there once was a girl
who raised herself
and spent her days
reading all alone
she became interested
in only the words
for no on else
ever could be
there for her
cause she was
always alone
and that's how she lived
surrounded by words
and alone forever

i adore my best friends lover
in a platonic way i think he is one the best kinds of human
he holds all of these emotions and he isn't afraid of them
he shows his vulnerability and the ability to be wounded
and he gives you his faith that you won't
he gives all of his love to the people he cares about
and it's very rare to see that in someone his age
but i think the most astounding thing he has shown me
is his infinite amount of love for her
he loves her with every fiber of his being
and i don't think i have ever seen someone love another human
quite like her loves her
i adore him and how he cares for others
he is so beautiful in his energy and he deserves the whole world
i hope he's always aware that people love him
and that good will stick to him as long as he allows
i hope he doesn't forget that we care

i don't know what it was that drew me to her
it could've been her courage to speak to me
or her love of the music she was dancing to
but i was drawn to her
all her beauty and strength
she was intriguing
and with every second we spent together
the excitement of something new drew me in
the exhilaration of something new excited me
and it gave me a new sense of thrill
that i'd never felt before
i was never fearful for i knew i was safe with her
she only brought me newness and thrill

as the kind of person i am, i don't regret any of my decisions
because I've made my decisions and there is nothing i can do now
they've occurred and i can feel bad about making them
but i never regret them, because there's no use wishing i could change them
this aspect of me becomes prominent after a loss
recently it feels as though there's been a lot of loss
and it's terrible, i hate the feeling of it
but loss shows me a lot of things
loss has shown me that sometimes it's not the losing that hurts
it's the lost effort and feelings and time
it's the lost emotion that hurts me most
people walk in and out of our lives and we have no control over that fact
but they take moments and little pieces of us along with them
but we take a little bit of them as well
and sometimes what we take hurts
loss teaches us how valuable our moments are
that every little moment is worth something
regardless of how small we think it is
because one day we or somebody else might not see it as miniscule
but as a miraculous moment that is impacting on their life
loss doesn't erase these impacts and hurts on us though
it might even enunciate them
and loss doesn't make the sadness of losing that person go away
time does
and even though time takes away that pain we have those moments
you should never regret those moments
whether they be good moments or bad moments
you took them with you for a reason
i think me as the person i am
certain moments shine light on certain aspects of myself
and loss shines light on my inability to regret moments
although some may see that as a bed things and call me emotionless
i view it as a tool to view moments a little differently than others
to view them as valuable and worth remembering

the day i saw your eyes
filled to the brim with heatrbreak
my soul shattered
seeing how my actions could break another so
but as i stood in front of you i watched it change
i watched that shattered heart form into a mess of blind hatred
and i think that didn't make me mourn but made me pity
to see how one could switch from love to hate in a matter of seconds
i pitied how your moment of vulnerability made you hateful
your moment of vulnerability was maybe the most of you i ever saw
because in your eyes i saw everything
and to see that seeing me you angered you so
my presence was enough to send you over the edge
that's what made me pity you most
i once held remorse for shattering your heart but then i couldn't

oh how strange it is the way we learn that heartbreak and hatred are in love
the strange dance they play on one's emotions and actions
the vulnerability and fury in a tangle
and how we can only see this moment through the heartbroken's eyes

i love movies and music
that get me in this exact mood
this mood
that is undescribeable
where it feels like life is a film
filled with the emotions
that come rare in life
and this mood comes often
but no one would understand
because its as though i'm the only one feeling it
it's as though i'm living through nostalgia and newness altogether
as though i'm floating through everything
it may be the most difficult thing to describe
but it is the most desired thing i feel

the most beautiful possession of mine
are the photos i have of you
lying in my room, your beautiful face laughing
walking in the woods, admiring the sunset
sitting in front of the fire, relaxing in the warmth
you as a human are the most gorgeous thing i have ever seen
and to have marks of you in my life
is the most magical thing i've ever experienced
you've become my muse
all because of your beautiful photos
of your angelic existence

i used to love that poem
until you heard it
and got mad at me for writing it
and it makes me angry
because your just now realizing
that this is how I've perceived you my whole life
as a man who's never had anything stable
because you ******* with women
and abandoned home at sixteen
now that you have something stable
you're terrified of losing it
but yet you get angry
when the truth is told to you
that your grasping for stability
like sand running through your fingertips
you hate that poem for it holds only truth
and that's why i love it so much
cuz' I've learned from that poem
I've learned that you can't accept the truth

sometimes it feels as if it would be easier to quit fighting
to just let her do as she pleases
to just let her tell me that this way is easier
to let her force my body to scream and ignore it under her command
sometimes it feels like it would be easier to whither away
to quit forcing food into me
to just stop fighting her
but i know i will never let her defeat me
throughout all of the difficulty that she has brought into my life
i'm never going to let her take away the good again
she can have her small victories from the past
but i'm not going to give her my future
this fight will last till the end of my days but i'm never going to give up
regardless of how difficult this may be

when you get into a relationship, you both walk through this door
and you seem to be in this room
over time as the relationship develops the room becomes decorated
and maybe if it keeps going, you might end up with a whole house
that's decorated and full and rich with memories and feelings
but
no matter how good that relationship may be
there is always that door
and no matter if you walked through the door, ran, leaped, or was shoved in
your in here and so are they, and even though you both may be happy
there is always the possibility that the other may walk out through it
leaving the house and you behind
and that may be the scariest part of any relationship one deals with
like, nobody wants to think about the person they love just...leaving
but there is always the possibility of that
how scarier could that be?
always having the threat of being left alone in a full house that they being in made home

how does one identify another by a scent
because one's scent is always changing
so how do we connect them to one?
do we connect them to the scent of their skin after a morning of slumber
the scent of their sweat after the evening run
the scent of their favorite shampoo
the scent of their perfume on date night
are we to pick our favorite of the many and claim that be them
or do we choose the most consistent
so tell me, how are we to connect a smell to a person?

The thing about people who write
They can communicate so much better about everything
They may not know how to say it out loud
But they can write it out and it will explain everything
The thing about people who write
They are always writing
About their thoughts, feelings, life
They could write the most beautiful piece of work about something as simple as math
They could write the perfect poem about your giggle
They could create a beautiful song about how you squeak when your get tickled
They could write a novel about a kiss on the cheek
They can write anything about something
If it means something to them, they can do it
And it can be a painting of flowers that creates a beautiful poem
The thing about people who write
They are constantly writing
In their head, they are creating beauty with words
The thing about people who write
They have a special gift
And it is the gift of magical words

The thing about people with mental illnesses
whomever they be;
you, or a friend, or a loved one, or just someone you see at school
you can't save them
they have to want to save themselves
you can help them, and you can try so hard
but the only person that can save them is themselves
and i know that that piece of information can tear someone apart
because when people care about someone, they just want to help
and when they can't they just feel so helpless
but you can help
you can be there for them
and i know that sometimes that can be a little challenging
but you can be there for them;
all day, all night, and sometimes when they don't want you
you can help by sometimes doing things
sometimes you might have to call someone
because sometimes situations get bad
but you might have to go with your instinct
you can help them by being there
by picking them up when they fall
by sticking by there side through thick and thin
because if you stay with them they might learn they're not alone
and that might urge them to help themselves
you may not be able to save them
but you can be the thing that pushes them to help themselves
you just need to love them unconditionally
you just need to be there strength when they're weak
you just need to be there friend when they feel alone
you just need to there reminder that they are a warrior and they can win this war
that they can save them self
they are strong enough to do anything
and the thing with people with mental illnesses
the demons erase the knowledge of having strength
but you can be the teacher that shows them that they do
and they can use their strength and **** the demons

over my life i have found games that i have enjoyed and hated
i rather enjoyed the card games and the board games
the ones i spent playing with my friends and family
but the ones i dislike are the emotional games
or the ones that end in heartbreak
but today i have found my least favorite
the waiting game
the game where i'm waiting to see if someone's life is going to end or continue
and if it's just a clock ticking toward either one
this game of waiting just comes and with every tick somebody shatters just a little bit more
i think the most aggravating thing for many is the fact that we don't know who we are playing against
we don't know who is competing for the other side
we don't know if it's a god, fate, a grim reaper
this game is a miserable game
and it ends in either fear, relief, heartbreak, hope, or death
**** this waiting game
and **** the pain it brings

i'm so tired of having to break these walls down only to have to rebuild them
at this point, i'm out of energy
so the walls are just going to stay up from now on
i'm not even going to try and break them down
let them build up as they please
i don't care how unhealthy it is to let them exist
but i'm tired of trying to let people in only to bet hurt
i've tried too hard to make other people happy
to not make myself happy
so ***** it
let the walls stay, **** it when you tell me to open up
i'm so sick of opening up and then shutting down again
i don't care if you've been there when the door has opened
it's shut now
and it's not opening anymore

if i could go back to younger me, or even just back to the me 6 months ago
i would say so much
because I've changed a lot the past few months
and this would've been easier had i known some things

firstly i'd start with the fact that I've learned
you won't feel so alone for forever
i know it may feel like you'll be like this forever, but i promise you
it won't
also don't be afraid to let them in
they aren't secretly plotting to hurt you, they are genuinely good
all of them are, especially the one with the inviting energy
it's okay to have more than one person in your life that cares about you
it might actually be nice to have a little more
lastly, don't be so guarded in regards to love
yes it's terrifying as hell
but it's one of the best feelings in the world
it's okay to be a little wary, but calm down with all those walls
she won't leave you because of your flaws if she truly loves you
and she's not lying when she says she's not going anywhere
believe me, her energy is good for a reason
people are good for you, i promise

i will admit, i am absolutely terrified as to what is happening
i hate not knowing what one is thinking and what's going on
and right now, there is a lot of unknowing going on
i have so many questions and i have no idea how to voice them to you
what are you feeling?
what do you want?
why me?
so many things i just want to ask
but i don't know how your feeling
and I'm too scared to ask you
okay, bad choice of word
i'm not scared, i'm anxious
of what the outcome of asking could be
and questions just lead to more questions and its an infinite cycle
Am i supposed to start the chain?
Do i just sit here and see if something starts happening?
I don't know and i'm so uncertain of everything except how i'm feeling

god i wish i could see you right now
because the idea of you sitting next to me
makes me just feel better
but that idea cant become a reality quit yet
so i think i'm just gonna sit and think about all the things you do that make me happy
and realize why i fell in love with you
i love it when you sit and love on cats even though you hate them
and you look at me to make sure i'm watching
i love it when you walk into a room with all your friends and you sit next to me
i love it when you ramble about swimming and your favorite band
i love it when you hold my hand when i'm upset and remind me that everything is going to be okay
i can't even write about all the little things you do that i love about you
but a few of them just popping in my head
make e forget about all the bad i deal with
and make my day feel less scary
i wish you were here or i were there
but i'll think about these little things instead

I've never really been mesmerized by brown eyes
but today when i looked up and saw you staring
i was amazed and at a loss for words
now i can't get them out of my head
and i'm in a constant state of awe
jesus, why am i so stuck on your eyes?
why do they have to feel like home?
why do i have to crush on you so much?

Toast
Such a beautiful taste
So crunchy
So tasteless
Toast
Such a beautiful word
So bland
So bleh
Toast such a beautiful thing

It is okay to let go of someone for yourself
Yes they might be hurt
And you might be hurt too
But sometimes you need to be alone to glue your pieces back together
No one else can do that for yourself except you
You shouldn't feel bad about it either
Because you should be your top priority
Take care of yourself
And after that take some more time to take care of you
And maybe you will be strong enough to take care of you and someone else
But it is okay
To let go to someone because you aren't whole
Because you shouldn't have divide your half into pieces
Because you should always be happy
And sometimes you're not with other people

the thought of another human
falling wholeheartedly in love with me
is absolutely terrifying
because that would mean they would accept me, all of me
all of my beliefs, and faults, and strenghts, and weaknesses
me as a being and as a whole
they would see and look at and accept
and yet throughout all of that they would still love me

the concept of that i will never be able to accept
because there is a lot of me
there is a lot of personality, and thought, and being that goes into being me
i'm a human
and i'm a mess majority of the time
so why would someone look at me and talk to me
and thinks "wow, i absolutely love her"

and what makes it terrifying most to me
is that this human would first have to see the true me
the rough, over thinking, exhausted, emotionally inept me
they will see every inch of my soul and my existence
and they will see that not everything is exactly as i present it

and that is what is most shocking about it
to know that someone i absolutely adore does the same to me
throughout everything that i am
they still love me and accept me

i know that you have no idea that i like you
and i plan on keeping it that way
because i know that you like some other girl
and i respect that, so im just going to keep this little secret to myself
but if you ever do find this and connect it to you
i hope you know that you mean a lot to me
i've become very attached to you and it scares me if im being honest
i have a tendency to put up walls but with you
it doesn't feel like i have to
and i don't know why i've fallen for you
but i did
and i keep trying to climb out of the hole that i've dug myself
but it seems as though i'm stuck

so, i just needed to get this out of my system
that i've fallen for you
and theres nothing i can do about it
and that maybe in the slight possibility that you see this and you like me back
that maybe you'll do something
because i'm too scared to
too scared to lose you and lose what we do have
to the girl who ive fallen for
maybe surprise me, or maybe just keep being you

I have been born and raised in the midwest of the United States
And I have learned many things, some of which I have learned to hate
People here live the same **** lives as the people before them
People meet, they fall in love, they get married, they have kids
Their kids grow up and go to a tiny high school
They go to college, get a job, find someone and do what their parents did
But the thing is they never leave
They are never truly living
They live the same **** lives in a repetitive cycle and they never have a taste of unfamiliarity
And in my years of being alive, I have learned to hate this mentality
To live the same lives as everyone around me
I want something different
I want to have stories and scars from travels and years of being alive
I want something more than this town and this segment of a country could ever give me
With its familiarity and hatefulness towards difference
I strive to leave and to actually be alive

nothing could ever capture the extent of your beauty my love
your face like the night sky
your freckles as scattered as the foreign stars
and your eyes like the beautiful glowing moon
but your smile and your laugh
are what some would call angelic
but darling nothing could ever contain this

no camera lens could ever have it all
from your curly locks to your favorite socks
it could never hold it all

no poem could ever hold enough words my love
words don't even exist that entail as much beauty
as no song could have as beautiful a melody as your laughter

don't you see my love?
you are the epitome of true beauty
from your actions to your face
inside and out you are gorgeous
i hope the whole world recognizes this
and i hope you do to
for only physical proof can show how spectacular you are

i still don't think i've ever forgiven myself for not being able to love him
i don't know why i haven't been able to
actually, that's a lie, i think i have several ideas as to why
i just, i always feel terrible whenever i think about it
because i know that he truly loved me
i just couldn't, but i tried, i tried to love him with everything in me
i just can't, and with him i just knew i couldn't pretend any longer
i knew i would just hurt more after him if i kept lying
but it still hurt to know i would have to hurt him to be honest
that broke my heart
and i haven't been able to forgive myself even though i have accepted myself
i have accepted that i can't love guys,  but i can't forgive not loving him
i think it's because i knew that he would've loved me forever if given the chance
and because he was entirely honest when he said he loved me, i know he was
and i think it's because i lied to him when he was nothing but honest to me
i lied with every i love you
and nobody deserves that, and i'm sorry to him
because he does deserve somebody that can truly love him

you've always wanted to change your appearance
you were never happy with your natural beauty
and you were always envious
of my dyed hair and clothing style
but the thing you didn't know was
i changed my hair and t-shirts
when something big changes around me
i dyed my hair turquoise during my starving days
when only fruits filled my hollow cheeks
and when i got better it went back to natural
i dyed my hair red during the recovery
from slicing my wrist and missing my friend
and i shaved away half my hair
to remove of some negative thoughts
but you don't know that I've dyed it again
i dyed it blue after we ended our friendship
to remind myself that everything will be okay
that you will be perfectly fine
you were always envious of my hair
and you were planning to dye it last time we talked
i won't know if you do
but if we pass each other at the store
we wont recognize each others faces
because we wont look past our hair

I want to help people
I want to use my words
To reassure them that they're not alone
To let them know that someone is there
I want to use my words
To teach them that it's okay to admit you're not okay
To tell them that other people are like them
And that they understand
I want to use my words
To help people
To befriend people
To save people
I know that no one can save the world
But I would like to save a part of it
If I save one person with my words
I will have dome something I've always wanted to do
I will do what I have always planed to do
Because I want to help

The walls are getting rebuilt
I can see it bright and clear
I see it getting built
Every brick getting added
For every brick theres an emotion or person
Every time it's added, the more anxiety is added
The tears are starting to fall
I know I'm going to drown if I don't sop
please stop....please stop

You asked me the question
"What's worse, the days or nights?"
And I sort of made up a response
But It's hard to explain it, without any thought
So I've thought on it
And I've realized an answer for it
There is no easy answer
Like the days are worse or the nights are worse
Because it's not like that
Some days are worse than some nights
Some nights are worse than some days
The only difference between them is what they feel like
During the day, it's an exhausting throb
It's an insomniac wanting to sleep, but not being allowed
It's a throbbing sadness, constantly there and pressing on my emotions
During the night, it's an empty lonliness
It's an empty emotion where you feeling everything and nothing
It's lonely because there is no one there
Nothing except the sadness
So the answer to your question,
Is it depends on what it feels like

i've never been one to have the desire to always live in a small town
to know the story of everyone
and to have the map of the town tattooed to my palm
i've always liked the idea of unknowing
to not always know what's two streets away
to not know everyone in the city
and i've always enjoyed the beauty of it all
in a small town you will run out of views and sights eventually
but in a city, they are infinite
when its constantly changing you can see everything newly
new lights, new faces, new buildings, new streets
change to some can be intimidating
but change to me is something of beauty
and to prefer that over similarity is not wrong of me

I've always had the urge to live somewhere bigger than me
something larger than life i suppose
and It's the night that has shown me this
Once the streetlights turned on and we roamed the streets
I fell in love
Small towns only hard stars and similar roads
The cities held more to me
Was it wrong to fall in love with streetlights?

i was on a walk with my mother during the sunset
and we were having very beautiful conversation
a beautiful talk with a beautiful person, a spectacular moment
and this wonderful woman told me a statement that many had told her
"that daughter you have, one day she's gonna break hearts"
and it got me thinking
i don't wanna break hearts
i want to fill hearts
i love things and i love them with everything in me
and i want to love everything
and i want my love to spill onto everything i touch
i want there to be love everywhere i look and i want that love to bloom into lovely flowers and grow everywhere i can't be
i don't want to break hearts because our hearts are the most beautiful thing that a human can hold
i want them to be filled with the beautiful emotions of happiness and love and for those hearts to want to express this same love that i do
i just want to love everything and everything to love each other
i want this world to be filled with love and beautiful emotions
i want beautiful moments and beautiful memories and loved people
i mostly just want all hearts to be filled to the brim with love

It's starting to get cold again
Everything is starting to stay still
Everything is going to stay the same
But it can't get cold yet
Not yet anyway
I don't want to be sad for too long
I can't do this anymore
I want to be happy again!
Why can't I be happy again?
Summer, please come back
Maybe when you're here I'll smile again
Why won't you come back
I need to be happy before it snows
Stop snowing!
I don't want to be sad anymore!

Use your words
Write them down and make a statement
Speak them out and make people aware
Use your words because they are the most powerful thing you have
You can use them to make an impact
To voice your opinions
To let people know how you feel
Your words are the strongest thing you have
You can use them for good and bad
So let's use them for good and be the strength lacking in this world
Use your words and show the world how powerful you are

You are my queen
Nobody else in this world could ever replace you
Yes, a princess may move into the throne
And claim her new title as queen
But she is only the replacement for the true beauty that holds my heart
You danced at the ball with such grace
You handled every affair with such elegance
You cared for every living thing with such ease
You were the definition of perfection
And somehow you noticed me
A lousy peasant
Who has two left feed and could only stumble and claim as dancing
Who can barely handle my own faults
Who can hardly love myself half the time
You noticed me
And you loved me
You will forever be my queen
Unreplaceabe, Beauty, & Mine

i walk into the kitchen
to the smell of mornings when you were alive
and it brings tears to my eyes
and a head full of memories
it reminds me of salty eggs
and letter shaped pancakes
it shatters my heart
cause that's the first time i've smelt that
in over two years
cause you stopped cooking when you got sick
and then the pancakes and eggs weren't there
so there was no warm kitchen
just stress of doctors and death
but i walked into the kitchen at 7 pm on a thursday
and i could've closed my eyes
and still imagined you there

You would never think
that someone so young
could deal with such demons
speaking such foul things in their ears
You would never think
that someone so young
could feel as though
no one loves them
and that there's no place for them
in this world
You would never think
that someone so young
could deal with such a horrible thing
that is a mental illness
because mental illnesses
effect everyone no matter the age