Warning* This is not a poem, by any stretch of the means, if you don't want to read a story then skip over this.  If you are against any part of the LGBT+ community, skip over this!! If you would like to read this then keep on reading and thank you very much

       Coming out is terrifying.  Figuring yourself out in the first place is absolutely scary, but then telling everyone what you've figured out is even scarier.  Here is my story.
      My story starts in the 4th grade.  I remember I would be at choir concerts and I would be in the audience watching with my family, and I would be staring at the girls.  Because they had such pretty dresses, and gorgeous makeup, and long flawless hair. And I would pay no attention to the boys, because the boys aren't pretty like the girls are, they aren't pretty at all to me.  Then suddenly I noticed that, and then I remembered all the girls in my class talking about how cute Johnnie is and I sort of connected that I thought Sally was a lot cuter than Johnnie or any other boy in my class was.  
      Then I remember going home and sitting in my room and being determined to figure this out, because this is weird.  I've never heard of a girl liking a girl! That happens?!?! If this is real then why haven't Mom or Dad said anything?  So I sat down in my room and I got a black, blue, and pink marker and a piece of paper.  On one side of the paper I drew a boy in blue and on the other I drew a girl in pink.  In the middle I put the word or.  But I didn't know which side to circle, so I folded up the paper and hid in between my closet door because it was open but you could put stuff in between the doors without anyone seeing it. In a month I found the paper again, and this time I knew which one I was attracted to.  So I grab my black marker and I circle the girl.  
      I don't really remember how much longer after the paper incident that this next event happened, but I know it was 4th-5th grade somewhere in there.  I had my best friend over, I think it was for a sleepover. We're gonna call her Ally. But I remember me and Ally were just hangin out in my room.  I look over at Ally and say 'Hey, Ally I gotta tell you something' and she's waiting for me to respond.  So I say 'I think I like girls.' That's all I say, nothing more.  Ally goes off repeating that it's wrong and that it's not right and that I have to like boys otherwise something is wrong with me, and is just going on and on when I just jump up and say 'JUST KIDDING, it was just a joke calm down'.  Then we just laugh it off and then she makes the comment 'if you did like girls i'd be okay with it, but i wouldn't be as close to you because i'm a girl too'. That really hurt me, which caused me to internalize all of my questioning thoughts and try my hardest to forget about them.
        Now it is middle school, during middle school I dated 3 boys.  We are going to call them Jona, Chris, and Lucas. I dated Jona for 15 months and our "relationship" was more like a friendship with fancier terms.  I'm buddies with Jona now so it's all good.  Chris didn't last long so that doesn't really matter.  Lucas!!!! I dated Lucas for 6 months and during this time I realized that I really was attracted to girls and I couldn't keep hiding it.  I realized this because Lucas was my first kiss and I was not into it AT ALL!!! I just wasn't, I tried i really did.  But I just was never much into the dude thing! Nothing against him at all, he's a really sweet guy and I'm really close friends with him now. But after I had my first kiss, I pretty much was like girls are real pretty and the dudes im just not into that.  So I sorta just slowly stopped talking to Lucas, and I ended breaking up with him.
       But I was scared of being judged for being completely lesbian, so i came out as a pansexual because i thought people would be more accepting.  So I came out to my sister first, I have 2 sisters and i came out to the one that is a year younger than me ,Izzy. Izzy was in the living room one night and i walked out there and i said 'Izzy, you'll love me no matter what, right?' she replied yes and just asked me what was wrong repeatedly.  Then I was like I was thinking and just needed some reminder.  Then she followed me to my room and harassed me for an explanation.  Then I came out and said 'Izzy, im pansexual.'  Then I explained what it was and the first thing she said was '***, NOW I HAVE A GBF!!!'.  I felt so much better after that and i was just so relieved.  After that i came out to my Mom, friends, and my other sister.        
After 3 months, I revealed to my mom that i was still confused because I leaned more towards females and that at that moment i was just using pan as a label but if it changed to not be surprised.
        Around a week after that I gained the courage to come out to my Dad.  I honestly don't know why I was so scared to come out to him, but I was and he was around the last one to learn.  So I walked into my parents room and was just talking to Dad, I had my mom stay in the room just to lessen my anxiety about all of this.  Then I brought up the topic of the LGBT+ community, dad and i talked about it for awhile.  Then i said 'dad, i mentioned gays because i like girls'.  then my dad went on a list of analogies but in the end he was okay with it.  Actually my dad was the most supportive about it right after i told him he was so okay with it and it made me so happy.  Although my dad was upset because i was scared to tell him.  After I came out to him, I pretty much just admitted to being a full blown lesbian, and it was all great and dandy and everyone was happy.
       Then it was time to go back to school, but this year was the year I started high school.  So I was a freshman who had just come out as a lesbian to all my friends and family over summer.  So not many people knew that I was gay.  But then I become friends with this girl, I really liked her.  I was at a friends party and she was invited and after that party I couldn't get her off my mind.  (I know this seems like it's going off track but it will connect soon) I figured out that we have a class together and we started talking.  
        At the party I mentioned the whole being gay thing and she was okay and very aware of it, and one day she went to my locker after school.  She had been doing that a lot and gave me hugs to say bye and stuff but i completely overlooked it because i don't know what flirting is. She was at my locker and i decided to put my big girl pants on and ask if she liked girls.  She responded with i'm pretty much cool with anything (pansexual). Then she asked me to the dance, I obviously said yes and wigged out when she walked away and immediately texted my best friend in florida (Ally).(Oh BTW I came out to her over summer over skype and she's completely chill with it now, we are still best friends and she doesn't mind at all) So we went to the dance and she asked me out.  I said yes, wigged out some more, and then danced some more with my friends while she talked to hers for a few minutes.  Fast forward to the few weeks after the dance.  We had been walking down the halls and hugging so everyone figured it out.
         That's where we are today.  I am still dating the girl, i've met her family and she has very nice parents.  All my friends know that I am lesbian, and they completely accept me.  My family knows, but when I say family I mean my household family.  My grandma and great-aunt know, but besides that no one else does but I don't really need them too so it's all good.  But I am so much happier than I have been in a long time.  Yes, relationships are so frickin stressful especially if it is one with the same *** and you've never had one of them before.  So if you are in your first relationship with a girl, take it slow.  But if anyone is in the mindset of coming out, first make sure that it is safe for you too before you do it.  If it's not safe you can't, be safe about it no matter what.  You'll be able to be open about it one day, but make sure you are in a safe environment.  But if it is, yes coming out is the most stressful time ever! But in the end it is the most rewarding thing, to be able to openly say I'm insert your label(s). It's an amazing feeling, yes you might lose some people on the way but if they won't accept you for the real you then don't even deserve you.  So my final thing it, you are an amazing human, and if you come out you are the strongest being and you have earned my utmost respect. If you haven't, you've earned my utmost respect because it's heart wrenching and I've been there, but you will be able to bloom one day my little flower.

You would never think
that someone so young
could deal with such demons
speaking such foul things in their ears
You would never think
that someone so young
could feel as though
no one loves them
and that there's no place for them
in this world
You would never think
that someone so young
could deal with such a horrible thing
that is a mental illness
because mental illnesses
effect everyone no matter the age

You know that feeling
The one with such excitement and exhilaration
Where your legs hurt because you've been standing there for hours
Where your so happy because you've been waiting for these few hours for months
Where your cheeks hurt because you've been smiling so much
Where you'd never think that a few people could make you so happy
Where you become attached and make life long friends because of them
Where you are surrounded by people just as excited as you
Where you don't care that you have to be up early tomorrow
That you aren't gonna get home till 2 in the morning
That you are gonna miss this, and wanna come back immediately
You know that feeling
Of being at a concert
Of being surrounded by people who love the same thing as you
Of looking up and seeing your role models singing to you
It's an amazing feeling and experience

flowers have always been considered a cheezy romantic thing
but why can't it just be a normal thing
maybe it's the little girl in me that adores flowers but i do
i want flowers everywhere
if i could have flowers in several spots surrounding me right now
i would
because flowers are beautiful
they bring light and life into any room
they bring smiles to those being delivered to
they are absolutely stunning and they smell intoxicatingly sweet
i feel like flowers should be more commonly adored
and not by just the people society accepts to adore them
all people, all men women and in between should just have them
because who wouldn't want to be given flowers
platonic flowers, romantic flowers, family flowers, i'm sorry i forgot to buy the milk flowers, you made me laugh last night flowers, or i think my favorite
you make me happy flowers
the best kind
but if i'm being honest all flowers are good flowers
buy somebody you love flowers if you can
anybody because flowers are not only for partners
it's for people and to show that they make you happy

I've never really been mesmerized by brown eyes
but today when i looked up and saw you staring
i was amazed and at a loss for words
now i can't get them out of my head
and i'm in a constant state of awe
jesus, why am i so stuck on your eyes?
why do they have to feel like home?
why do i have to crush on you so much?

I have a longing to meet someone whom I've never met before
I will miss her
Even though i've never met her
Which is so confusing
Because I've grown so attached to her
Over video calls and text messages
Midnight confessions and our little fan girl obsessions
I miss her
Even though I have only known her months
I feel as though I have known her my whole life
Even though an ocean separates us
I feel as though she is right next to me
Even though we only speak through phone calls and texts
I feel like she is my best friend

I'm done being shamed for being me
For not believing in god
For being a lesbian
For listening to the music that isn't popular
For being a female with short hair
For being curious
For being a feminist
For being myself
I'm not going to change myself to fit into your standards
I'm not going to change the way I think and learn
Because you think I ask too many questions and need to keep my nose outta things
I'm not going to change the way I believe
Because I cannot change that you will not make me
I'm not going to change the way I look because of you
Because I really enjoy the way I look
I'm not going to pretend to like what is popular and in trend
Because I don't want to have the exact same interests as everyone around me
I am not going to change myself because I'm happy with myself
Just because you are not confident in yourself, doesn't mean I can't be
I'm done trying to change to make everyone else happy
I'm not going to shamed for being me
I'm unique and no one change that

You are my queen
Nobody else in this world could ever replace you
Yes, a princess may move into the throne
And claim her new title as queen
But she is only the replacement for the true beauty that holds my heart
You danced at the ball with such grace
You handled every affair with such elegance
You cared for every living thing with such ease
You were the definition of perfection
And somehow you noticed me
A lousy peasant
Who has two left feed and could only stumble and claim as dancing
Who can barely handle my own faults
Who can hardly love myself half the time
You noticed me
And you loved me
You will forever be my queen
Unreplaceabe, Beauty, & Mine

Hi, I'm Hannah
I'm a depressed optimist who likes to write
Confused?
Maybe, it'll make sense after I explain it
I have depression and often times I am sad
I get quiet, awkward, and guarded
But at the same time I am very optimistic
I always think that things will always get better
So I describe myself as a depressed optimist
I've never met anyone else like that
I don't believe there are too many people like me
And because of that I write
And I publish it to the world for anyone
Who needs someone like me
I may not make a big impact
But maybe I will inspire someone
Or make friends with someone
Anyone who needs someone who they can relate to
But who they can also go to while searching for optimism
So...Hi, I'm Hannah
And I'm a depressed optimist who likes to write

Why do we romanticize suicide?
Because it's not something that should be romanticized
Because when you read poems
They make it sound like such a peaceful way to go
Just swallow a few pills, it'll be like falling asleep
Just slip down in the bath, just think.  It'll last for eternity
I mean it sounds so calming, right?
And that's not right
And it defenitley isn't helping
It isn't helping the kids who are suicidal&self-harming;&depressed;
When they get on the internet,
the place they use as an escape,
and that's what they see
It sure didn't help me
So why do we do that?
Why do we make it sound so heavenly?
Because it's not!
It's blood on the bathroom floor forming around your emotionless face
It's puking in the toilet because you swallowed the whole medicine cabinet
It's mascara steining your cheeks because you've been crying for hours
It's your mom pounding on the door screaming for you to unlock it
It's your little brother visiting you because your not allowed home yet
Now does it sound pretty?
No, because suicide is not pretty

I know she'll never believe me
But when she laughs with nutella on her face
She looks absolutely gorgeous
Because she's happy down to her bones
And it's moments like those
I realize how much I love her
And how lucky I am to have her in my life
Because she's gorgeous and amazing and brave
She's everything i could've ever asked for
And when she laughs
I feel the sound get saved into my soul
And when she smiles like that
I know
I will always and forever
Love the girl with nutella on her face

There are ways of coping with depression
Some people go with medicine
Others go with hobbies or distractions
Then there are the few that try things that might help, like candles or food
I go with the hobbies and distractions route
When I get sad, I will write a poem
When I get lonely, I will skype a friend
When I am frozen, I will listen to music
And I know sometimes I should accept the fact I get depressed
And I should go to a therapist and that I will always have this
But I would rather find personal tricks
To help cope with this
Than take medicine to make me happy
Nothing against people who do, thats your own opinion
I personally just want to have my own ways of coping
Whether it be music or friends or books
That works for me
That is my way of coping with depression

beautiful girl, why are you dating that ******* of a boy?
he's nothing but terrible to you
with his emotions toward you changing constantly
and the overwhelming jealousy for anybody around you
beautiful girl i say this out of kindness and because we're friends
i care about you and that is why i tell you that you deserve better
beautiful girl, everybody knows your not into him anymore
he's threatened to leave you multiple times so why don't you just leave him
and go after the girl you've been eyeing for weeks
nobody is going to judge you
beautiful girl, you deserve the world
and he isn't giving you the world
go after what the world is to you and don't look back
beautiful girl, leave the ******* holding you back

its so strange to think how different things are from 2 years ago
i know to some that may seem like forever ago
but in the grand scheme of things it really isn't
in my perspective i seem much farther away than it is
on the single fact of things are far different than they used to be
i spoke to people who were absolutely terrible to me
who have treated me like gum stuck to the bottom of their shoe
i was in quite possibly one of the darkest parts of my life so far
i was in such a terribly dark mindset and i didn't think i would ever get out of it
i was also not open with what was going on in my head at all
and then theres the giant thing of i was dating boys

all my old "besties" compared to my best friend now
what was i doing? is the first thing i'm asking myself
they all treated me terribly
i notice through all of them is that they were all about themselves
and they were too loud compared to my personality
everything was about them and i was always the sidekick
my best friend now
we are on an even playing field and are able to be open with each other
we are also able to have the friendship not revolving around one of us specifically

my mental health
it's not that different compared to now in all reality
it's just easier to manage considering i'm more open and know how to manage
being able to be open has been a savior to me
i've been in equally as dark of headspaces since then
i'm just able to manage everything a lot better than i used to

i was dating boys
i wasn't being myself in any shape or form
since then i've come out as a lesbian
i'm much happier within myself and i'm more comfortable with myself as well
its nothing against the boys i dated
i'm just not attracted to males

im much happier with myself and my life at this point in time
i am grateful to have an amazing support system
and so many things that others don't
i am so immensely thankful for everything in my life now
i have made such strides in accepting myself and ridding negative energy
and i always think its helpful to look back on a point in time
and be reminded of how things have changed and how they benefit me
and to also remind me of how thankful i need to be

nothing could ever capture the extent of your beauty my love
your face like the night sky
your freckles as scattered as the foreign stars
and your eyes like the beautiful glowing moon
but your smile and your laugh
are what some would call angelic
but darling nothing could ever contain this

no camera lens could ever have it all
from your curly locks to your favorite socks
it could never hold it all

no poem could ever hold enough words my love
words don't even exist that entail as much beauty
as no song could have as beautiful a melody as your laughter

don't you see my love?
you are the epitome of true beauty
from your actions to your face
inside and out you are gorgeous
i hope the whole world recognizes this
and i hope you do to
for only physical proof can show how spectacular you are

as the kind of person i am, i don't regret any of my decisions
because I've made my decisions and there is nothing i can do now
they've occurred and i can feel bad about making them
but i never regret them, because there's no use wishing i could change them
this aspect of me becomes prominent after a loss
recently it feels as though there's been a lot of loss
and it's terrible, i hate the feeling of it
but loss shows me a lot of things
loss has shown me that sometimes it's not the losing that hurts
it's the lost effort and feelings and time
it's the lost emotion that hurts me most
people walk in and out of our lives and we have no control over that fact
but they take moments and little pieces of us along with them
but we take a little bit of them as well
and sometimes what we take hurts
loss teaches us how valuable our moments are
that every little moment is worth something
regardless of how small we think it is
because one day we or somebody else might not see it as miniscule
but as a miraculous moment that is impacting on their life
loss doesn't erase these impacts and hurts on us though
it might even enunciate them
and loss doesn't make the sadness of losing that person go away
time does
and even though time takes away that pain we have those moments
you should never regret those moments
whether they be good moments or bad moments
you took them with you for a reason
i think me as the person i am
certain moments shine light on certain aspects of myself
and loss shines light on my inability to regret moments
although some may see that as a bed things and call me emotionless
i view it as a tool to view moments a little differently than others
to view them as valuable and worth remembering

There is so much more to this than you know
There is more to anorexia than starving
There is more to depression than sadness
There is more to anxiety than stress
There is more to bulimia than purging
There is more to bipolar disorder than mood changes
There is more to a mental illness than one thing
A mental illness effects every part of someones life
As well as everyone you love
It's an illness and it hurts
But a mental illness can never be cured
But you can help your loved one with it
But first you have to know what you're helping
Anorexia is a disorder characterized by a desire to lose weight by refusing to eat
Depression is a disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities
Anxiety is a disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear
Bulimia is a disorder marked by binging, followed by methods to avoid weight gain
Bipolar disorder is associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs
You need to know about this because people have this
And more awareness needs to be made
Because mental illness effects everyone

i know that you have no idea that i like you
and i plan on keeping it that way
because i know that you like some other girl
and i respect that, so im just going to keep this little secret to myself
but if you ever do find this and connect it to you
i hope you know that you mean a lot to me
i've become very attached to you and it scares me if im being honest
i have a tendency to put up walls but with you
it doesn't feel like i have to
and i don't know why i've fallen for you
but i did
and i keep trying to climb out of the hole that i've dug myself
but it seems as though i'm stuck

so, i just needed to get this out of my system
that i've fallen for you
and theres nothing i can do about it
and that maybe in the slight possibility that you see this and you like me back
that maybe you'll do something
because i'm too scared to
too scared to lose you and lose what we do have
to the girl who ive fallen for
maybe surprise me, or maybe just keep being you

i haven't been able to write as much since you came back in my life
what little i have written, it's been about you
i think the reason why is due to the fact
that the only art i care about anymore is sitting right in front of me
nothing i create or think up, even on a really good day
could ever be as breathtaking as you
i'm trying to figure out what i can do because your all i seem to think about
and i don't even want to try writing about you
because then i will be going on for centuries
and never be done talking about how wonderful you are
don't even get me started on how i feel about you
that would be an endless cycle of me stating how in love with you i am
i'm trying to figure out what to do
because i'm always thinking about you and craving your attention
and i don't know how to express how spectacular you are
or how sincere i'm being when i tell you i adore you
i know none of my writing for you will ever me a masterpiece
but hopefully one of these days, you will see how i love you so

when i hear the word home
i dont think of a brick house
or the furniture that lie inside
i think of my sisters and my mom
i think of my cat waiting behind the door
i think of poem book in my purse
i think of my best friend
i think of my young renegade jacket
i think of my collection of concert tickets
when i think of home
i think of the people and things that make me happiest
i think of the things that connect to my favorite memories
i connect home to comfort and happiness
i dont connect it with brick walls and broken furniture
it may bring safety but it doesnt bring me joy
and home to me means joy

pretty boy get off the stage
the show is over
it's been done and played
take off that mask and be yourself
and stop trying to be like everybody else
nobody is waiting for an encore
so why are you?
step out of character and be the you we all desire
why are you refusing?
because the stage is comfortable?
well, pretty boy, the world is not a stage
the world is streets and aisles where the acting doesn't count
nobody wants to be around a facade
people want genuine emotions and reactions
and the character you chose is not you

so pretty boy its time
take off the costume
and step into your own shoes
don't let how you think you need to be seen
decide how you act
go with your instinct
and pretty boy just be you

sometimes it feels as if it would be easier to quit fighting
to just let her do as she pleases
to just let her tell me that this way is easier
to let her force my body to scream and ignore it under her command
sometimes it feels like it would be easier to whither away
to quit forcing food into me
to just stop fighting her
but i know i will never let her defeat me
throughout all of the difficulty that she has brought into my life
i'm never going to let her take away the good again
she can have her small victories from the past
but i'm not going to give her my future
this fight will last till the end of my days but i'm never going to give up
regardless of how difficult this may be

i am not the night sky
although we are similar in the fact that i am not always clear and i don't always look as pretty in pictures
this is for one simple reason
i am human
and i cannot be compared to an object
even as complex as the sky, i am by far more complex than it could ever be
i feel things and i think through things
i try new things and sometimes i change how i look
i add variety in my life and nothing can change that fact
so to compare a human, like myself, is so abnormal
because how could something so simple ever compare to the vastness that a human holds
it shouldn't be spoken of or let alone be thought of
but it is because we as a species are constantly trying to find ourselves in things
whether they be other humans or something as simple as the night sky
we always wish to see bits of ourselves and feel a connection with
this bit of information should shine light on a fact
we should be able to find security within ourselves
but it is rather difficult when society and other people try to push the idea that we will see ourselves in something
because that is not always the case
and to try to make ourselves seem so simple is so absolutely absurd
because what makes us human is our expansive ability to be unique
to be incomparable is what it means to be human

I'm not lucky
To have people fall for me
And not reciprocate the notion
I don't like hurting others
It's not lucky to be pretty
Because when people whom you call friends
Start liking you
Because of looks or personality
What are you going to do
if you don't feel it too?
I'm not lucky to have people like me
Just because you like them
Does not make me lucky
I don't like them
And I could hurt them
But I don't want to lose a friendship
Because I'm "pretty" and "nice"
It doesn't make me lucky
If people like me
It doesn't make me lucky
If I'm pretty
It doesn't make me lucky
To have something that you don't

i absolutely fear love
i fear it with every fiber of my being
because if i tell you i love you
you would know how shattered i could become if you left
i've always feared love
i've feared letting someone in that far
letting someone see how i really am
to let them have the ability to hurt me that badly
to let myself become comfortable with another
i've feared every aspect of love
because i fear vulnerability and being broken
yet i went and fell
and i'm absolutely terrified to speak those words
because then you could shatter me
and you already know how fragile i am

when we talk
we make our own little world
where there is nothing
but two kids having fun
running toward swings
going on walks toward parks
talking about our favorite songs
just our own little place
just you and i
swinging at a park
filled with feelings
and thoughts about our giggles
our own little safe place
no bad guys trying to break us down
no overwhelming thoughts of a future
just two kids
talking
and creating their own little universe

my dad has always given me hell
for loving queer literature endlessly
and i've tried to explain it to him several times
but i don't think he will ever understand
he will never understand that i could read all the romance novels with heterosexual individuals
and i will never be able to fully relate and understand either
yet whenever i read a queer novel
i relate to those characters endlessly
despite all of our differences
i understand falling for somebody that your not supposed to in society's eyes
i understand the fear of liking a girl despite being out and proud for years
i understand that voice in the back of your head shouting the bad endings when your coming out
i understand so much more in the queer novels
i can actually see myself as those individuals
because i've been there ad i've understood those fears and the honesty and the relief
no straight character could ever describe their crush and i be able to fully connect
because for me with every crush there is that tiny fear
i wish i could explain this all to my dad
and have him understand why those characters have such a safe place in my heart
why being able to read those fears is something i connect to
why realizing that strange yet very known fact about oneself is a place i've been
and i just wish he could understand

why do i keep falling for the girls hours upon hours away?
is it for the sensation upon falling for the impossible
or is it purely because i just enjoy their existence
or possibly it could be both
i enjoy their existence but it feels impossible
because if i am friends with them and i tell them it could go two ways
it could bloom into a wondrous relationship
or it destroy the flower of friendship

so am i to enjoy the flower i have bloomed?
or risk plucking out the petals for a chance at love

decisions like these seem so daunting and terrifying
and the answers are never revealed
so unknown garden seeming thoughts will forever haunt my mind
or possibly turn into action with known results
if only flowers couldn't be broken
and purely bloomed and thrived

i'm sorry
i'm ****** up
at least that's what i think
i promise i'm trying to be better
if not for you then me
i just wanna be the starry sky you see
when your alone at sea
but i can't
because i'm falling apart
i'm becoming a skeleton
that can't hold itself together
i wanted to be the thing that brought light to your darkest nights
but i can't even create enough light
to diminish the darkness in all of mine
i'm sorry
i've been trying to ******* hard
but it didn't work and now all of you are gone
i need to find the strength again
and i'm searching ******* everywhere
maybe i'll find it soon
and i'll pull myself together
maybe you've found the light for your nights
and i could've never done that
but at least i'm trying, i've tried, and i don't think i'll ever stop
at least i've found the love i've always needed
not in all the people that i found but the ones that found me
and i'm not the only one trying to bring light in others lives
there's light here and there's people here too
trying has never failed me, so i'll continue to
and even when the trying's hard at least their trying to

Do you ever have that moment when all you feel
is that overwhelming sense of loneliness?
and it happens at the most random of moments
10 minutes ago you were smiling and laughing with your friends
and now you're in your room near tears
that feeling of being so lonely
is absolutely horrible
it is emotionally draining
it is physically taking all of your energy
it is taking away everything that makes you happy
and it erases the barriers and the demons walk in
you just feel so weak and like no one notices
it is so horrible
you can be surrounded by everyone you love
and feel like there is no one there
you can be holding hands with the person you care for most
and feel like they wouldn't notice you being gone
sometimes it can happen in the middle of a class
or in the middle of the night
and you have no control over it
that's the worst part
you can't do anything about it

I wonder if you felt them too
The mix of sparks and butterflies
When we danced
I could feel fireworks in my fingertips
And a butterfly dance in my stomach
And I hope that you felt them too
Because they were magical
And I want to feel them again
Hopefully, I will soon
And maybe we will become more than what we are
Because I've never gotten shivers from a hug
And I've never wanted to see a face as much as I like seeing yours
And I'm intrigued to find out what this is
And when we were dancing
They couldn't have been just me
So tell me you could feel them too

Please don't say that you know what my depression feels like
Because I don't want anyone else to feel like this
I don't have the usual kind of depression where you're just sad
I have the kind that makes me feel numb to everything
I feel nothing
I don't feel sad, or mad, or angry
I feel nothing
I don't get interested in anything
I have absolutely no motivation
I don't crave food
Eating makes me feel sick
I feel absolutely nothing
I feel disconnected from everything
And I hope that no one ever feels as numb as I do

sometimes it seems like life would be a lot easier
if the conflicts were a bit more sporadic
if they were more spaced out where we had the time
the time to deal with the conflict or situation healthily
and then heal from it and learn our lessons
then in a bit the next conflict would come along and it would easier
i mean, don't get me wrong, conflicts and challenges that life throw at us
are exactly that, conflicts and challenges
they aren't meant to be easy things, some are easier than others
but none of them are the most basic problem to solve
and life being the thing that she is isn't going to make them easy on us

it seems like all of our challenges we deal with in our lives come all at once
it's like pulling a book from the bottom of the stack and they all come tumbling
all these conflicts come at once bringing so much with them
stress, anger, heartbreak, jealousy, almost anything we could ever feel
and sometimes they just won't let up
the books sometimes feel like they are continuously falling
and sometimes we can't save every book that falls
sometimes the spines break and a few pages fall out
but maybe that's the way it's meant to be
the conflicts will come and we will get through regardless of how difficult they seem
sometimes it's okay to lose things in the conflicts
as long as we don't lose ourselves in them

i can openly say that i'm deeply terrified
because i know
deep down
that you are the one i want to spend my forever with
and i've never said that before about anyone
when i think about who i want my kids to call their parents i want it to be us
every night i fall asleep waiting for the day where i can fall asleep next to you
when i say that i want to fall asleep to your laugh for the rest of my life
that's the truest statement i could ever speak to you
i know this is the scariest thing because we are so young
we have so much time and future left in our lives
but i know that i want you by my side for all of it
knowing you want me by yours is the biggest comfort i've ever experienced
here's to our forever ***

S,
     I'm sorry.  I don't think you understand how horrible I feel.  I just don't love you like that.  I feel terrible.  Because your such an amazing person, but we just don't work together.  I like to take things slow where you like to try things out.  I like to sit and have conversations with strangers where you like to sit and read a book.  I like hanging out with my friends on the weekends where you like staying home playing video games. And it *****.  Because I truly, deep down, deeply care about you.  And you're so sweet and you make weird but hilarious comments and you're great to have around.  Which made this so much harder.  Because when I wanted to be friends I truly meant it.  But I know that you're going to avoid me.  It happens every time.
      So I'm Sorry that you lost the opportunity to become friends with me. I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I'll never admit to it but I ask all my friends that talk to you if you're okay.  I'm sorry that you heard me talk for hours about my anime and my current music obsession.  And I'm sorry that I have anxiety and depression and I disconnect sometimes, and i'm sorry that i have to be alone to reconnect.
     You're an amazing and beautiful human being and you deserve so much more than i could ever give you.  Thank you for that Mulan marathon and pans of junk food we made.  Thank you for making me life until I was crying.  Thank you for you, for being your true authentic you.
                                                                                            -H

i've never felt this feeling before so i have no idea what this means
but you came into my life and suddenly i just knew
that i am going to end up falling in love with you
your going to mean something to me, even more than you do now
your meant to be something in my life and this feeling is too strong
for me to not need to be something in yours
i don't know what to call this feeling
whether it be a hunch or hope or maybe it's not a feeling and it's fate
but i know i'm going to end up loving you

the thought of another human
falling wholeheartedly in love with me
is absolutely terrifying
because that would mean they would accept me, all of me
all of my beliefs, and faults, and strenghts, and weaknesses
me as a being and as a whole
they would see and look at and accept
and yet throughout all of that they would still love me

the concept of that i will never be able to accept
because there is a lot of me
there is a lot of personality, and thought, and being that goes into being me
i'm a human
and i'm a mess majority of the time
so why would someone look at me and talk to me
and thinks "wow, i absolutely love her"

and what makes it terrifying most to me
is that this human would first have to see the true me
the rough, over thinking, exhausted, emotionally inept me
they will see every inch of my soul and my existence
and they will see that not everything is exactly as i present it

and that is what is most shocking about it
to know that someone i absolutely adore does the same to me
throughout everything that i am
they still love me and accept me

i still don't think i've ever forgiven myself for not being able to love him
i don't know why i haven't been able to
actually, that's a lie, i think i have several ideas as to why
i just, i always feel terrible whenever i think about it
because i know that he truly loved me
i just couldn't, but i tried, i tried to love him with everything in me
i just can't, and with him i just knew i couldn't pretend any longer
i knew i would just hurt more after him if i kept lying
but it still hurt to know i would have to hurt him to be honest
that broke my heart
and i haven't been able to forgive myself even though i have accepted myself
i have accepted that i can't love guys,  but i can't forgive not loving him
i think it's because i knew that he would've loved me forever if given the chance
and because he was entirely honest when he said he loved me, i know he was
and i think it's because i lied to him when he was nothing but honest to me
i lied with every i love you
and nobody deserves that, and i'm sorry to him
because he does deserve somebody that can truly love him

The black rose is the heartbreak from you
when you died you took me too
Slowly I have been fading
I don't know how I got to be in such a dark place

Music helped a lot with that
It made me smile, it brought me back
My singers became my leaders
They went through this too, but they got through
And with that, I found happiness

The bell is my favorite gift
It reminds me of the memories
And the could-have-beens
So the bell is your memorial

The black rose ripped me apart
with it's thorny fingers
My music brought me back
with it's moving melodies
The bell reminds me of you
with all the distant memoreis

i used to love that poem
until you heard it
and got mad at me for writing it
and it makes me angry
because your just now realizing
that this is how I've perceived you my whole life
as a man who's never had anything stable
because you ******* with women
and abandoned home at sixteen
now that you have something stable
you're terrified of losing it
but yet you get angry
when the truth is told to you
that your grasping for stability
like sand running through your fingertips
you hate that poem for it holds only truth
and that's why i love it so much
cuz' I've learned from that poem
I've learned that you can't accept the truth

the most beautiful possession of mine
are the photos i have of you
lying in my room, your beautiful face laughing
walking in the woods, admiring the sunset
sitting in front of the fire, relaxing in the warmth
you as a human are the most gorgeous thing i have ever seen
and to have marks of you in my life
is the most magical thing i've ever experienced
you've become my muse
all because of your beautiful photos
of your angelic existence

sometimes i miss our friendship
and i miss the summers spent
playing volleyball in your backyard
with the boy from down the street
but then i stop and think
of how horrible you were to me
you weren't a real friend
you used me as a crutch during your suicidal days
yet i was alone and weeping over life
you hurt me emotionally
and to pretend like you cared
i'd receive gifts and plastic tears
with choreographed paragraphs filled with apologies
and i forgave you time and time again
it's days when i miss you, the happy you,
that i accept that the happy you isn't here anymore
and i stop missing you
because with you i forgot what friendship was
because without you i can sleep again
because with you i'm confined to only you
because without you i'm happy
and surrounded by people willing to teach me
what a real and healthy friendship is

I've slowly been losing you for awhile now
After you died, I could still here your voice in my head
Slowly it began to fade
The voice becoming weaker and weaker
Day by day it disappeared
Now your face is fading too
The only thing keeping it in place is the pictures I have left
And the memories that always bring back tears
It breaks my heart
Because you are my everything
And I can't lose you yet
Not yet
I still need to see your face to calm down
It's hard enough to not hear your soothing voice
But I need to picture your face in my mind
Otherwise I'm lost

Why must I always be strong?
Why must I always have composure?
Why must I hold back my tears and silence my pain?
Because I don't want to anymore
I'm not okay
I'm not strong
I'm hurting
I'm so close to a mental break down its not even funny
I don't want to even get out bed my depression is so bad
The only reason I do is because of my 2 friends who I have no classes with
I don't even try to talk to other people because my anxiety is horrible
I hurt all over my body and I don't even want to speak
But you don't know because I have to act strong
Because I have to always have my composure
Because I don't normally show how human I am
And I'm done with that
I want to cry because I hurt
I want to tell you I can't get up or make new friends
Because I'm human and I'm not always strong

I don't know what it was
that sparked that feeling in my stomach
whenever she was around
maybe it was the glances
that lasted a little longer than they should've
or maybe it was the warmth she gave
when she had her arms wrapped around my waist
maybe it was the secret smile i was given
when it was just her and i in my room
or maybe it was the flame that became emblazing
when our lips touched
i don't know when the spark was ignited
but one day i looked at her eyes
and i felt the fire that was between us

i will admit
i am not the type of girl
to go to a bar and sit in a cloud of smoke
and listen to music purely because it is live
and i apologize if that is what you were expecting of me
but that is just not me
i am the type of girl
to go to old hidden bookshops and inhale the scent of literature
i am the type of girl
to sit on my bed at 4 am and talk about all the thoughts to a friend
i am the type of girl
who is more interested in sitting around a bonfire than going to a mall
i am sorry to any human expecting anything more or less of me
but i am not like that, it's just not me
i am a homebody, i am an lover of the arts, i am an introvert
i am a lot of things, but i am not a loud and extroverted human
i love my comfortable home and my few friends
now you are aware of my awkwardness and inability to be uncomfortable
i refuse to do something i don't want to
i am not going to do something purely because of the view of others
i am me, i am not going to change
and you are you, and you shouldn't have to change to get along with me
i apologize for expecting that of me, but then again
i am not going to apologize for being me

when you see me
you only see my exterior
you see my baggy tees
and hazel eyes
you don't see the interesting parts of me
you don't see
my love for films
my adoration for a cat called lavender
my curiosity stored for murderers
my gypsy like spirit
my heart for poetry and literature
my collection of thick blankets and sweaters
my fondness for the brown haired girl miles away
my memories connected to lyrics and concert tickets
my obsession with candles and sunsets
you don't see the real me
unless you want to
and i want you too as well
because when you do
your able to see
my poetry with story upon story
my camera roll of cat and concert pictures
my messy room after a weekend trip
my eyes tired of awakening from sleep
my blush whilst reading
my smile reserved for my cat and loved ones
my tidiness caused from stress and feeling
my 7 am sleepy laugh
my messy self after a week of difficulty
when you see me
you see all of me
the destroyed me, the happy me, all of me
and you'll only see that
if i want you too

My whole life I've always been the side character
And in most of my friendships have been terrible
Mostly because the out of the few a few have been just horrible to me
But even along with that I've always just been the side kick
I've always been so and so's best friend
That's all I've always been
Every time someone greeted me and I said my name
I got "Oh, name's friend."
I felt very small, but I was comfortable
Because it was all I had ever known
I always knew to keep my opinions quiet so I wouldn't lose them
I always knew to just listen in on conversations
And I always knew to smile whenever I was called the side kick
So when my best friend of 7 years moved away
And I had no friends whatsover
It was weird just being called Hannah
It was terrifying not having friends but it was liberating to be me
It was liberating to be recognized as a human and not as an accessory
And it was then that I realized I was always a side character
In my own life i was playing the **** side character
And I also realized I loved being the lead
I now make it a point to be equals in all relationships
With friends, partners, and all people
Because I know how horrible it is to be belittled
And I want all people to realize how amazing the main stage is

It's not the same.  Skyping and calling and texting will never be the same.  Actually being able to see her, is 10x better.  Because then we can go to the mall together.  Then I can hug her.  Then we get to celebrate holidays together.  Being together and being apart are completely different.   And if I could, I would have her here with me or I would be there.  I would choose to be with her in a heartbeat.  Because I love her.  Thats my best friend.  I don't want to lose her. If I did I don't know what I would do.  And when she's her or I'm there, everything is perfect.  It's just another summer and us spending every day together.  It's just another sleepover.  It's a normal weekend.  Then she's gone and I can't just text her and ask her to come over.  Because it's not the same.  Distance doesn't destroy friendships.  But it does hurt.  I can't hang out with her at lunch eating the ****** cafeteria food.  I can't just walk over to her house.  Because its never the same. I can't see her without weeks of planning in advance.  I can't go trick or treating with her, cause we're hundreds of miles apart.  I can't gossip about the people at school with her, because I don't know the people at her school.  I can't just hang out with her anymore.  Because it's not the same, and theres so many poems out there that will tell you everything will be the same you'll just find other ways of doing stuff like that.  It's completely different.  And skyping and texting are never the same as watching a movie together and talking by the pool.  Yes, that really helps.  But its not the same

I'm gonna be honest with you
I am absolutely terrified
About all of this
About this relationship, because you're the first girl I've ever dated and it's scary
About this whole dating a girl thing, because I have no idea of what to do
About the judgement, because it's scary right now with the way society is
And I'm gonna be honest
I want to take this as slow as possible
Just so we don't have to feel uncomfortable at any time
So we can slowly learn how this works
Because I'm barely ready for any of it
I'm definitely nowhere near ready for kissing, i'm just scared
I don't love you yet, and i'm not going to lie about it but I do like you a lot
But even if we take this slow, we are still going to be judged and ridiculed
And this is terrifying and dangerous
Because we don't know if we're safe
So I'm gonna be honest
I'm scared about this; about you & me, about new things, about all of this