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nabi 나비 Jan 2017
Warning* This is not a poem, by any stretch of the means, if you don't want to read a story then skip over this.  If you are against any part of the LGBT+ community, skip over this!! If you would like to read this then keep on reading and thank you very much

       Coming out is terrifying.  Figuring yourself out in the first place is absolutely scary, but then telling everyone what you've figured out is even scarier.  Here is my story.
      My story starts in the 4th grade.  I remember I would be at choir concerts and I would be in the audience watching with my family, and I would be staring at the girls.  Because they had such pretty dresses, and gorgeous makeup, and long flawless hair. And I would pay no attention to the boys, because the boys aren't pretty like the girls are, they aren't pretty at all to me.  Then suddenly I noticed that, and then I remembered all the girls in my class talking about how cute Johnnie is and I sort of connected that I thought Sally was a lot cuter than Johnnie or any other boy in my class was.  
      Then I remember going home and sitting in my room and being determined to figure this out, because this is weird.  I've never heard of a girl liking a girl! That happens?!?! If this is real then why haven't Mom or Dad said anything?  So I sat down in my room and I got a black, blue, and pink marker and a piece of paper.  On one side of the paper I drew a boy in blue and on the other I drew a girl in pink.  In the middle I put the word or.  But I didn't know which side to circle, so I folded up the paper and hid in between my closet door because it was open but you could put stuff in between the doors without anyone seeing it. In a month I found the paper again, and this time I knew which one I was attracted to.  So I grab my black marker and I circle the girl.  
      I don't really remember how much longer after the paper incident that this next event happened, but I know it was 4th-5th grade somewhere in there.  I had my best friend over, I think it was for a sleepover. We're gonna call her Ally. But I remember me and Ally were just hangin out in my room.  I look over at Ally and say 'Hey, Ally I gotta tell you something' and she's waiting for me to respond.  So I say 'I think I like girls.' That's all I say, nothing more.  Ally goes off repeating that it's wrong and that it's not right and that I have to like boys otherwise something is wrong with me, and is just going on and on when I just jump up and say 'JUST KIDDING, it was just a joke calm down'.  Then we just laugh it off and then she makes the comment 'if you did like girls i'd be okay with it, but i wouldn't be as close to you because i'm a girl too'. That really hurt me, which caused me to internalize all of my questioning thoughts and try my hardest to forget about them.
        Now it is middle school, during middle school I dated 3 boys.  We are going to call them Jona, Chris, and Lucas. I dated Jona for 15 months and our "relationship" was more like a friendship with fancier terms.  I'm buddies with Jona now so it's all good.  Chris didn't last long so that doesn't really matter.  Lucas!!!! I dated Lucas for 6 months and during this time I realized that I really was attracted to girls and I couldn't keep hiding it.  I realized this because Lucas was my first kiss and I was not into it AT ALL!!! I just wasn't, I tried i really did.  But I just was never much into the dude thing! Nothing against him at all, he's a really sweet guy and I'm really close friends with him now. But after I had my first kiss, I pretty much was like girls are real pretty and the dudes im just not into that.  So I sorta just slowly stopped talking to Lucas, and I ended breaking up with him.
       But I was scared of being judged for being completely lesbian, so i came out as a pansexual because i thought people would be more accepting.  So I came out to my sister first, I have 2 sisters and i came out to the one that is a year younger than me ,Izzy. Izzy was in the living room one night and i walked out there and i said 'Izzy, you'll love me no matter what, right?' she replied yes and just asked me what was wrong repeatedly.  Then I was like I was thinking and just needed some reminder.  Then she followed me to my room and harassed me for an explanation.  Then I came out and said 'Izzy, im pansexual.'  Then I explained what it was and the first thing she said was '***, NOW I HAVE A GBF!!!'.  I felt so much better after that and i was just so relieved.  After that i came out to my Mom, friends, and my other sister.        
After 3 months, I revealed to my mom that i was still confused because I leaned more towards females and that at that moment i was just using pan as a label but if it changed to not be surprised.
        Around a week after that I gained the courage to come out to my Dad.  I honestly don't know why I was so scared to come out to him, but I was and he was around the last one to learn.  So I walked into my parents room and was just talking to Dad, I had my mom stay in the room just to lessen my anxiety about all of this.  Then I brought up the topic of the LGBT+ community, dad and i talked about it for awhile.  Then i said 'dad, i mentioned gays because i like girls'.  then my dad went on a list of analogies but in the end he was okay with it.  Actually my dad was the most supportive about it right after i told him he was so okay with it and it made me so happy.  Although my dad was upset because i was scared to tell him.  After I came out to him, I pretty much just admitted to being a full blown lesbian, and it was all great and dandy and everyone was happy.
       Then it was time to go back to school, but this year was the year I started high school.  So I was a freshman who had just come out as a lesbian to all my friends and family over summer.  So not many people knew that I was gay.  But then I become friends with this girl, I really liked her.  I was at a friends party and she was invited and after that party I couldn't get her off my mind.  (I know this seems like it's going off track but it will connect soon) I figured out that we have a class together and we started talking.  
        At the party I mentioned the whole being gay thing and she was okay and very aware of it, and one day she went to my locker after school.  She had been doing that a lot and gave me hugs to say bye and stuff but i completely overlooked it because i don't know what flirting is. She was at my locker and i decided to put my big girl pants on and ask if she liked girls.  She responded with i'm pretty much cool with anything (pansexual). Then she asked me to the dance, I obviously said yes and wigged out when she walked away and immediately texted my best friend in florida (Ally).(Oh BTW I came out to her over summer over skype and she's completely chill with it now, we are still best friends and she doesn't mind at all) So we went to the dance and she asked me out.  I said yes, wigged out some more, and then danced some more with my friends while she talked to hers for a few minutes.  Fast forward to the few weeks after the dance.  We had been walking down the halls and hugging so everyone figured it out.
         That's where we are today.  I am still dating the girl, i've met her family and she has very nice parents.  All my friends know that I am lesbian, and they completely accept me.  My family knows, but when I say family I mean my household family.  My grandma and great-aunt know, but besides that no one else does but I don't really need them too so it's all good.  But I am so much happier than I have been in a long time.  Yes, relationships are so frickin stressful especially if it is one with the same *** and you've never had one of them before.  So if you are in your first relationship with a girl, take it slow.  But if anyone is in the mindset of coming out, first make sure that it is safe for you too before you do it.  If it's not safe you can't, be safe about it no matter what.  You'll be able to be open about it one day, but make sure you are in a safe environment.  But if it is, yes coming out is the most stressful time ever! But in the end it is the most rewarding thing, to be able to openly say I'm insert your label(s). It's an amazing feeling, yes you might lose some people on the way but if they won't accept you for the real you then don't even deserve you.  So my final thing it, you are an amazing human, and if you come out you are the strongest being and you have earned my utmost respect. If you haven't, you've earned my utmost respect because it's heart wrenching and I've been there, but you will be able to bloom one day my little flower.
For the sake of privacy of anyone who may know me reading this, I've changed all the names.
snoozleberry Dec 2014
It has been so hard to keep this secret,
even harder to accept that it was who I was.
I never wanted to be,
who you wanted me to be.
You tormented me,
when all I wanted to do was prove you wrong.
I was in denial for most of my life,
never wanting to accept who I was because of what you'd say.
When I finally admitted it to myself,
I found it necessary to tell the important two.
Knowing I was accepted by them meant the world to me,
it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
I thought everything was going to be okay,
hoping it would stay that way.

Unfortunately,
I was wrong.
I asked for your confidentiality,
I thought I had received it.
But,
apparently I hadn't.
Anxiously wondering what had happened,
waiting for your response.
I felt like I couldn't breathe.
I was ready to scream,
I wanted to run,
I wanted to be a million miles away.
But I couldn't,
I wasn't,
I was there,
living my worst nightmare.
I couldn't breakdown,
not there, not in front of them.
I had to stay level headed,
I couldn't let it get to me,
but I couldn't.
I wanted to cry,
go back to my old ways,
drown myself in misery that was my life.

That night was worst,
I was alone, hurt and emotionally unstable.
I regret what I did that night,
I promised myself,
I promised you,
I'd never do it again.
But I needed relief.
The pain was comforting,
in that moment I felt like I was okay.
Until I snapped back into reality.
This was unhealthy,
I wasn't going to let myself bleed out.
Not again,
I couldn't go to the hospital.

It took a while,
but it finally stopped.
I could breathe again.
My mind was clear,
I was able to think.
I was still angry,
but I let myself feel the emotions until they were gone.
I still couldn't believe it,
I couldn't feel,
I couldn't understand,
I couldn't.

Even though I felt betrayed,
I was betrayed,
you did me a favor.
I couldn't lie.
Not to myself,
not to you,
not to anyone else.
The truth was out.
Even though,
I felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest,
mutilated and buried.
I knew
it wasn't your intention to hurt me.

You helped me,
you pushed me to do what I wanted to do for years.
It did not happen perfectly,
but it happened.
It couldn't be taken back,
I just had to deal with what had happened.
This all could have been avoided,
but my daddy tells me everything happens for a reason.
There is no need to grieve over mistakes.
Ultimately,
it's not the end of the world.
And what I gained was far more important.
Self acceptance.
I am okay with who I am.
I am okay with who I choose to love.
I am okay with life choices.
It was you who told me it would be okay.
It was you who stood by me.
It was you who did not judge or ridicule.
It was you who supported me,
from the beginning.
Thank you.
for whatever reason coming out to me was always the scariest thing of all time. i did not want to be judged, i did not want to be alone. everything does happen for a reason and even though it wasn't ideal it happened. i probably wouldn't have done it ever. i am happy i no longer need to pretend, but i am taking it from here.
you know who you are,
thank you again, you truly are a blessing.
Fen Aarons Oct 2014
I can NOT do this
I can NOT see us
I can NOT feel it
I can NOT love you

I'm sorry I'm not her
I'm not, though
I'm glad I've stopped lieing
Even if you have to go

She is not me
I need to come clean
This feeling's not about to leave
Can't I just be a he?

You don't love guys
I know that
You said you loved ME though
Am I really that different?

I'm not a different person
All I've done is stop lieing
I'm really the same
/but not to you/

You never loved me!
You loved my lies!
If you loved me,
You would see me
as the same me
but now a he.

One letter's all that changed,
K's are now J's
E's are now T's
Just remove the S and you have a he

I'm the same, really
but how you see me isn't

I guess labels can really change a person.
Story of a transgender guy coming out to the person he s-trusts the most, his boyfriend.
For reference: K - Kaylynn (my old name) J - Jason (me) E - estrogen (female hormone) and T - Testosterone (male hormone)

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