Middle School
Full of friends and love
Hate and lust
Being thrown under the bus

Doing the right thing
Is harder than it sounds
Harder than it looks, too
Always wanting to be found

Rescued from the abyss
That feeds off of your sadness
That doesn’t know when to stop
That will make you collapse

Needing support
Wherever you can find it
Taking it from others
If it means peace

Life upside-down
Never know how
To turn your life over
That frown upside-down

So when you find peace
Wherever you find it
You never want to leave it
But sometimes you must

Coming back to resurface
After all the sadness
You see the world differently
Then you saw it before.

People can help
But sometimes they don’t
Sometimes they think their helping
But really they’re not

Don’t fall for the lies
The deceptions they place
To try and make you come with them
And do the wrong things

Because in the end, you’ll find
You never wanted to be with them
You just want to be you
And not just some hologram

Embrace who you are
And what you’ve gone through
No matter what it is
Walk up with open arms

Take what you have
And don’t worry about what you don’t
Because in the end, you’ll find
There’s nothing wrong with you

You’ve been through high times
And low ones, too
But no matter what had happened
You found your way through

Through the darkness, you emerged
Opening your eyes
To a new world of color
Without wearing a disguise

Learning who you are
Can change how you act
Change how you feel
Even change how you react

Because now you know
How to see in color
No longer in the darkness
World seeming brighter

Every day can be a good one
If you know how to live it
All you have to do
Is change how you see it

True friendship is laughing when your friend falls before helping them up
True friendship is being allowed to criticize your friend for how they dress, but
        as soon as someone else does, you love their outfit
True friendship is knowing everything about each other (even the ***** details)
True friendship is missing them even before they're gone
True friendship is always being there, no matter what
True friendship is keeping each other in check
True friendship is understanding where you're boundaries are but pushing
        them just slightly with the goal of ******* them off
True friendship is knowing each other's emotions so well
True friendship is being able to guess what the other is going to say
True friendship is:
                            Magical
                            Amazing
                    and eXtraordinary

I don't know what I did
The past is so blurry
I can't remember
What I did to deserve this
My mind won't leave me alone
But you will
My hands move on their own
Texting you again
I know you'll never love me too
I understand you're using me
But red flags through rose-tinted glasses
Just look like flags
Armed with my heart on my sleeve
And rose-tinted glasses
Ready for you to use me
Because pain is the only thing that's real

Warning: Bleeped out profanity. Read at your own risk

I would call you "dad"
But I would be ashamed to do so
You cannot stand up for anyone
Fooled into submission by her
That f·cking Satanic b·tch
Who is more irresponsible than I
I am ashamed you ever bed with her
I watch your offspring, wishing to be dead
Now I love your children
They even call me "Mama"
Isn't that alarming?
When they confuse their birthgiver with their sister?
But what would I know
I'm just a young girl
I don't know anything, says you
You overprotect me anyhow
As soon as I can leave, I'll be gone without a trace
Living with my mother, the woman that you hate
That you talk sh·t about, while I am within hearing range
Then act like nothing happened, do you think I am a bafoon?
At least I have the ****** courage
To tell someone to f·ck off
I'm glad I'm nothing like you
So, just f·ck off

I'm ready for the words you spit
I'm ready for the obscenities you scream
I'm ready for the sadness to overtake me
For the thoughts to take me over

You have no emotion as you yell
You have no reason to say what you do
You yell anyways though
But not loud enough for the neighbors to hear

I am ashamed of you and how you behave
A sorry excuse for a stepmother
Yet you stick around
My mother blind to the way you treat me and my brothers

No matter how hard I try
You always come back
With new reasons to yell
And get into my head

GET OUT
Leave me be
GET OUT
Stop me from my madness

You've caused this
My sanity slipping
Resorting instead to the peace
Of insanity and death

So when people say I don't have it bad
Because I have a roof over my head
At least they don't have to worry about
How much pain they'll be in that night

Pain caused by words
Pain caused by actions
Pain caused by others
Pain caused by myself

Before I met you
Everyone hated me
Suicidal thoughts
Taken over me

Forever alone
Reminded all day
In the worst ways
Everyone would call me
No one would care
Decide I don't matter
So then I met my BEST FRIENDS

I watch the candle flicker
Moonlight streaming through
My open window
A soft breeze dancing along my skin
This is it, I think
What happiness is
This serenity, calming feeling
Where nothing bothers me
And I feel nothing at all

I was wrong.

My emotions are like water
Pouring out of a faucet
They sometimes are
Too hot
Too cold
Too much
Too little
And sometimes, they stop altogether

And as I sit
With colors all around
There’s a hole in my heart
It’s source yet unfound
When I can fill this
Temporal void
Is up to the imagination
Of a very special boy
I leave everything to you
My life and my soul
Please finally complete me
To have and to hold
In this life and the next
I wish for nothing more
Then to finally feel happy
To no longer feel bored

You've had a hard life
Full of hatred and denial
Betrail and heartbreak
Like your heart is on trial

You want it to end
This treacherous life
To run away free
To give up the fight

But I can tell you now
That nothing can compare
To what you've gone through
Through all that despair

It might seem like
The tunnel of light
Would be much better
If it stopped burning bright

I can tell you
"Don't end your life"
But it would do anything
Except fuel the fight

Your heart doesn't want it
I can see it in your eyes
So I wrote a poem for you
Without wearing a disguise

I might not be the wisest
Or all knowing and powerful
But I can tell you
That life is beautiful

Seeing a sunrise
Or little bits of joy
Will make you realize
Your life's not a toy

Don't take these moments
The futures you haven't seen
Instead, hope that one day
You'll find where you've been

Find your soul and yourself
On this journey of life
Some might even call it
A journey of love

Someday, my punishment will end
I'll be free form this hellish earth
Until then I must mask myself
And serve my sentence with diligence

I walk these roads alone
With thoughts swarming through my head
Music in my ears flowing like water through them all
Like air through a spiders web

The water drowning my thoughts
Them fighting for air
Soon they will give up
Freeing me from their despair

Days blend into weeks
Mind dulling and dying
But it's okay, for in the end
My soul will go back to hell

what would you do
if you breath was stolen
and not in a good way?

what would your last words be
if a gun was against your head
and you couldn't breathe?

what would you say
before the water went into your lungs
and you only had seconds to live?

what would you do
what would you say
if you couldn't breathe anymore?

if the air became poison
and you couldn't breathe
all you could do was watch your family
fall one by one?

Moods can change and switch
Sometimes on their own
Making a sad moment exciting
Making a happy moment dreadful

Like flipping on and off a light switch
These emotions change
Not on purpose, of course
The emotions rearranged

If a day wasn't already hard
This would make it harder
Being dragged into an abyss
This is what it's like to be bipolar

That test
That Homework
That Crush
That problem

Stress comes
In all shapes and sizes
It doesn't matter the reason
Your stress doesn't care
It'll haunt you forever
In life and in sleep
When you're most vulnerable
It'll attack in the most unwanted times
Just prey on you
It's your predator
Always lurking in the shadows
The darkness in your mind
You'll realize one day that time doesn't affect it
It grows with you
Feeds on your worry
And sadness
And anything that could make you feel stress
It'll use against you
Until you find that you're stressed for no reason
Or stressed for every reason

There is a way, however
To keep your stress at bay
If you always are happy
The darkness can go away
Your stress won't be able to grow
Only hide in fear
But the darkness can't fully go away
Because there's always something
That can go wrong
And your stress will feed
And the darkness will grow.

Have you thought to check up on me?
Have you thought about me?
Have you left your own head?
Or are you leaving me for dead?

Life’s crazy, huh?
Full of false accusations
Just because you feel something doesn’t mean you’ll act on it
Sometimes it’s better to shove emotions into the darkest place in your mind

I hope for the best but expect the worst
Am I a realist?
Or depressed?
Or just seeking attention?

All things considered, I shouldn’t be here
My mother should have aborted me and lived her life
But now she has me
Gods, I’ve caused her so much pain

One of these days, I’ll have to courage
To cut slightly too deep
To jump off the ledge
To pull the trigger

But for now, I take my anger and emptiness out on my flesh
Gray creating red
Moonlight shining through my window
As I hide what I’ve done

It’s not like I’m ashamed
I just don’t want to disappoint them
Everyone thinks so highly of me
It’d be best if I just disappeared

Like I never existed

The red stains my clothes as it soaks through
Creating wet spots on a black surface
Wearing dark colors hides the blood
Hides my true emotions

My true intentions.

Another day goes by
Uneventful, fake
The happiness subsides
Leaving a cold, unforgiving world
In its wake
One day
I'll finally know what it feels like
To enjoy waking up
To enjoy life

Today isn't that day

Alive, but not living
Safe, but not really
Happy, but dying
Truthful, but not to myself
Young, but seen too much
Nothing, and no more to be said

Explicit

She said she was okay
And you believed her?
Let me tell you what's wrong with her
She's tired
That's exactly what she is
                                  T
                                    I
                                     R
                                       E
                                        D
She's tired of being  
                         H
                           U
                             R
                               T
She's tired of being
                          L  E  T
                                   D
                                     O
                                       W
                                         N
She's tired of the
                      L
                        I
                         E
                           S
She's tired of caring too L I T T L E, and not caring at A L L
She's tired of H O L D I N G it
                                        I
                                         N
She's tired of being
                         B
                         R
                         O
                         K
                          E
                         N
                           D
                           A
                           M
                           A
                           G
                           E
                           D
                             W
                             O
                             R
                             T
                             H
                             L
                             E
                             S
                             S
                               NEVER
                                        GOOD
                                               ENOUGH
                                                          P
                                                           A
                                                          I
                                                        N
She's tired of being J U D G E D for EVERYTHING she D  O  E  S
She's tired of all her F L A W S and I
                                              N
                                             S
                                            E
                                           C
                                          U
                                         R
                                        I
                                       T
                                      I
                                     E
                                   S
She's tired of T R Y I N G           P
She's tired of getting her hopes U
She's tired of being treated like *******br>She's tired of trying to be H E R S E L F
She's tired, and you want to know how I know all this?

                       E            D
Because S    is M            E
             H                   R
               E                 I
And I'm R  E  A  L  L  Y T

Scrolling through the past
Is informational
It reminds us of who we once were
And who we've become
Rediscovering feelings
We had almost forgotten we had
And we'd shared them with the world
And we didn't do half bad
I thought I'd never escape her
Her iron grip leaving bruises where she held us
But we did
We made it
Life got a little better for it too

We aren't fixed
We are still sad
We still have depression
But it's not as bad as it was
She's gone from our lives
Our abuser
Tormenter
Stepmother

And she dares to call herself a fighter

When you breakup with someone
You were just not meant to be
And although you may try so hard
You cannot eternally see
And life will throw you into crazy situations
You have to outsmart them
And find a way out
Because this wasn’t the time for you then
No matter how hard you try
Life has no mercy
No matter how much you cry
Life has no third party
Wrong relationships are minor
Compared to so much that happens in our lives
So many things happen
That leave us to lay in bed and cry
So, leave them
Forget that person
Because they aren’t worth it
They are a terrible person
That doesn’t see your imperfect perfection

Pay attention to your surroundings
Always count exits
And cameras
And make sure you aren't alone
For loneliness causes the voices to surface
And you know what happens then

Convince yourself you have company
Even if you're alone
Crying in a corner
Facing sword-wielding demons with a rock

Alone
Hurt

Waiting for your savior
To come from above
To help you resurface

They never come

Keep quiet
Don't make a sound
Waking the monster is a bad idea
That come's with a painful end
Two soulless eyes stare up at you
A shell of a being
It's a body filled with hatred
For its mistakes and your happiness
It takes it from you when you least expect it
During a movie, or playing a game
You'll be fine one moment
Just living life
But then you speak too loud
Move too fast
And wake the monster within

Something, I have found
Is wrong with me
Nothing I can do
Can make me feel complete

I could climb the highest mountain
And feel nothing
Just like how I feel
Whenever I do anything

I try not to submit
To the demon in my soul
But it's so hard to fight
The ever-growing hole

Nothing can fix
What has happened to me
So now all I can do is wait
For it to overtake me

A rainbow of emotions
Something everybody knows
A rainbow of emotions
They frolic to and fro

RED(Anger)~
        When you're so mad and can't be happy
        When everything is so upsetting you can barely hold it in
        When everyone's being a *****, and no-one can help
        When life looks at you and laughs

ORANGE(Greed)~
              When nothing can be enough
              When you've gotten so much but still want more
              When mans one weakness takes over you
              When greed bubbles out of you like a chemical reaction

YELLOW(Calm/Tranquility)~
              When you're calm and nothing can disturb you
              When tranquility is all you're mind can think of
              When no one can anger you
              When life seems perfect

GREEN(Sickness)~
            When life's punched you in the face
            When a fever, runny nose, throbbing head take over
            When you're so sick to move
            When you're not even able to think of anything else

BLUE(Sadness)~
          When sadness takes over
          When you cry yourself to sleep over little nothings
          When you don't think anything can get better
          When those who care would do anything to see you smile

INDIGO(Compassion)~
             When you feel compassion for someone or something
             When you'd risk your life to save something else
             When you feel amazing whenever you're near them or it
             When nothing can change how you are

VIOLET(Love)~
            When nothing can change how you feel
            When you'd die for someone's happiness
            When life can never affect you
            When you feel true and total happiness

A rainbow of emotions
They affect you every day
A rainbow of emotions
Only you can make them stay

You know me like no one else
So I want to make sure you understand my pain
What I'm going through
I love you to heaven and back
From the deepest points in hell
From the bottom of the sea
I love you
You're like a brother to me
Except I trust you with the things
I tell no one else
We laugh
And we cry
And we sing
And we dance
And right now I have realized
That you're the one thing that keeps me alive
I could go years without internet
Without a phone
Or computer
As long as I can see you
Talk to you
Make you smile

You're everything to me
And I don't want to lose you
So please don't shut me out
The way you have been recently
I understand you have a boyfriend
And that he comes first
But please don't forget about me
Ignore me
Make me hurt
Because it does hurt me
Seeing you without me
I might play it off
Say that I'm alright
Act like I don't care
But I'm crying on the inside
You keep me here
On this planet
Alive
Don't forget about me
And don't ever just walk by
Because recently I have felt alone
And out of place
So this comes from the lightness in my soul;
The beating of my heart
All the love I can muster

Don't
       Let
           Me
               Go
Or else I might die

A demon is mean
An Angel is nice

A demon accepts all
An Angel only accepts its own

A demon sees past the rules
An Angel only sees before them

A demon cannot be understood
An Angel has no secrets

A demon can be trusted
An Angel cannot

Why can Angels be trusted?
Because no one is perfect
No one can be fully understood
No one that is "normal" exists

Demons are the human race
The ones that are all around us

Angels don't exist, sorry
Nothing so perfect has ever walked on this earth.

Before
In a time I can't remember
There was nothing but dark

Then you arrived
A sun to light up my world
Water to keep me alive

You were sweet like honey
With the right amount of sour
To keep things interesting

I made a mistake

I told you who I am

You may be supportive, sure
But you'd never change
For someone, you claimed to love

I was tossed aside
While you ventured out
For you next conquest

How could you
Someone as broken as me
Break me even more?

Hallo! It's Ash, and I'm sorry I haven't been able to upload anything recently. I've been going through state testing prep work(boooring) so now that I have finished the Math test, I can write this(yay!). So let's answer some basic questions! Also, if you're just reading this on the home page, check out my other poems on my channel! Thanks!

Age: 14
Birth Name: Rylie Ashtyn Lucas
Nickname: Ashtyn( or Ash)
Gender: Female
Grade: 8
Pronouns: She, Her
****** Orientation: Panromantic, Asexual
Best Friend: Maxyyyyyyy (his poem: https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2405991/dear-maxwell/)
Siblings? How Many?: Yes, 5 brothers that I love dearly( except the eldest, he's evil..)
Birthday: December 15th, 2003
Birth Location: Landstuhl, Germany
Coke Or Pepsi: Coke
1 "addiction": Pinterest

Thanks y'all, sorry for not uploading recently. It's been hectic, not just with school, but also a lot of family drama(if you want more info, message me!)

Love ya!-Ash(tyn)

We used to be so close,
but now you're hard to see.
I don't know why you're doing this,
but you're running away from me.
Each word you withhold,
pulls us apart a mile.
Every moment we're apart,
Lowers our attraction percentile.
I know you don't mean it,
and I've been giving you space.
But it hurts me so much,
to see our attraction erase.
I've been silent for a long time,
enough to open the floodgates of my eyes.
Time is not our friend,
so we must discuss this, in the end.

This is the Teenager Test, To Test if You Are a Teenager. Please Comment Which Numbers Apply To You

1. Have you ever stayed up all night working on a project last minute that you forgot about?

2. Have you ever looked at your computer screen for hours, trying to come up with an idea for a paper?

3. Have you ever stressed about a test so much that you didn't sleep?

4. Have you ever had a crush on someone, but know that they don't know you exist or think that you're weird, stupid, etc..

5. Have you ever had the same crush as your best friend?

6. Have you ever had a best friend that has dated your crush, and you have to magically hold your friendship together?

7. Have you ever gotten grounded because you were trying to help your friend through a tough time but were up way too late?

8. Have you ever waited 3 minutes for a text back, but it felt like 3 hours?

9. Have you ever lost your best friend over a pointless argument?

10. Have you ever been surrounded by friends, but felt alone?

11. Have you ever realized you no longer love your s/o and have to find out how to break-up with them without hurting them

12. Have you ever lost almost all of your friends due to a break-up? Have you ever found out that your so-called "friends" only like you for your s/o?

13. Have you ever pretended that you have a s/o because no one deserves your attention?

14. Have you ever realized that life will go on no matter how much stuff life throws at your face?

Every day, without fail
My heart beats for you, but to no avail
Youve never looked my way, never cared
Always worried about the way other people stare
So I sit in the back of the room
Broken, dying, vying to be with you
The lights are dimming on the outskirts of my vision
Why was I the one given this mission?
I take out my anger and saddness in ways
That honestly no one would be able to name
I cry in bathrooms, pound on walls
Scream in silence, drown them all
All the feelings I felt for you
Died fighting for breath in the pool that is you
So I sit in silence at the back of the room
Numb to it all, unknown to you
Its funny (not really) how emotions work
That as soon as you notice me, ive already been hurt
Your feelings for me are unreceprocated now
Well, it ***** to be you, feel my pain now.

Once a day
7 days a week
365 days a year
Something goes wrong
In your life

It doesn't matter how small
Or how big it may seem
But at least 1 thing goes wrong
Nothing can redeem

You try and try
But never come up right

No matter how hard you try
One thing always goes wrong in your life

Whether you get into a fight with a friend
Or fail a test
Or get fired from your job
These things scale from 1 to 10

So don't give up hope
Bad things happen to us all
Remember this always
For the years to come

All I know is the sadness
That claws up through my throat
The screams and wails of my demons
Wanting to release their pain and agony

All I know is anxiety
The scary fact of living
Everything I’ve ever known
Disappearing into oblivion

All I know is heartbreak
The emptiness of my heart
The source of all my sorrows
Everything tearing me apart

No matter what I feel
No one will see
No one will notice
No one will care

i've seen you    a   d
                       r       n
                         o  u
staring me d
                 o
                w
                n
talking ****  b e h i n d  my back
about  e v e r y t h i n g  i lack  
after all youve d o n e    
some might s   a   y youve w   o   n
                                    p        
even though i g a v e u

Confined to the walls of my room
Bandana around my neck
I try to remember the good things in life
I want to stay out of my own head
Nothing in life is free
Not even the air we breathe
It's tainted with diseases
But we breathe anyway
We endure the screams of alcoholic fathers
We cry ourselves to sleep at night
We convince ourselves that we're alright
And never seek help from others

We are the broken ones
We endure our pain and suffering
We remember the things worth remembering

We are the depressed ones
We see knives as toys
We don't know the difference between light and dark

We are hurt, and some of us can't be saved

Starting anew,
It’s hard everytime.
When you are alone in the halls,
And have to say goodbye.
To all your friends,
That have been there for you,
And have to make new ones,
To put your trust into.
And then you’ll see them,
That gorgeous girl or guy,
And you’ll stop dead in your tracks,
And feel like you’re about to die.
But then you realise,
That they don’t know you exist,
And you start to fall,
Into an endless pit.
You can only resurface,
With the help of your peers,
And through a lot of ice cream,
And a lot of tears.
Everyday you see them,
And they might see you,
And you’ll always be waiting,
For them to say I love you.

You think that one day
Your heart might stop
Sometimes you can be scared
And sometimes you’re not

Sometimes you want to die
Sometimes you don’t
It depends on who you’re with
And what’s going on

Being depressed
Or bipolar isn’t easy
It isn’t fun either
Always ruining moments

You want to know why
You’re life’s upside down
But you can never find out
Because you can’t slow down

Know you’re not alone
There are others like you
Who want to be happy
But have no reason to

I knew someone one day
and the next they were gone
no one knew where they went
they vanished like snow

snow melts on a warm day
and melts into the earth
my someone's personality
did just so

so now I sit here
wondering where you went
knowing that one day
it'll snow again

hopefully, you'll come back
when the snow falls again
because if snows around
then you're around
and there are no more fears

you make my day much better
distract me from my life
but just now I realized
that my someone is me
that someone is my happy side

so now that I know
that I can be alive
no more depression for me
my suicide will subside

I'll be happy once more
able to see with new eyes
the world in which I live in
will finally come alive.

You made me feel so much
We were just out of touch
You helped me to feel
Reminded me that life is real

The butterflies
The warm words
The late nights
The exchanged words

But you murdered the butterflies
Drowned them in cyanide
Kept them alive with a kindred fire
Only to burn them up in their own desire