Who am I really
What am I doing
Where do I belong
When should I care
Why am I here...

inside this box i sit
alone
afraid
but then you arrive
and we're separated
by this box
around me
my oxygen depleting
my soul crumbling
as i watch
you
give
up

I sit in silence
Unseen and unheard
The world flowing around me
Like water, a blur
An earthquake shakes me
Down to my core
No one else feels this
I start to shake more
My body a vibration
The world a constant mountain
As I shake people don't notice
Of course not, they're too focused
Anxiety is no joke
Yet society sees it as one
It can be caused by anything
Or anyone
So stop with the plexiglass
Stop forming the barriers
Break the glass, step through the other side
Instead of saying "you're fine", your words a rapier

Hey y’all! Sorry I haven’t been writing. Been dealing with a lot of home stuff..that I don’t wanna expand on. But, I promise that I’ll get back to writing ASAP. If you still wanna see what I’m up to, you can look me up on youtube. Ashtyn_Lucas 2003 is my name! Thanks so much

Love Ashtyn

She's
      Broken
               Because
                          She
                               Believed

He's
     OK
         Because
                    He
                       Lied

alone
forgotten
never given any time
to try to see
the light
at the end
of
the
tunnel

Texting you at night
I suddenly realize
That no matter how much i try
I’ll never modernize
It’s like my life
Is in a black and white movie
And for some reason
I want a strawberri smoothie
In a modern town
I don’t fit in
And in a olden film
I’m just a sin
No one see’s me for who i am
Behind this mask i wear
I’m only every really me
At night when i’m playing truth or dare
When i’m with my fam,
I can take off the mask
But with so many “judges”
I am given an almost impossible task
Not being yourself
Is the hardest task of all
But soon enough you learn
How to perfectly evolve

Sometimes, I don't have that much self confidence,
And it's those times that you pull through
You're always there for me
And I try my best to be there for you.
You sometimes don't feel happy with yourself,
And it's those times that i feel like,
I have just realized,
That you're more of a brother to me
Than I ever thought before
And right then and there
I try to pull through.
I never want to lose you
Because I love you.

Shouldn't they
Care about us?
Having compassion
Opens up doorways and
Opportunities. it allows for
Learning and growth.

Instead, they feign these things
Shooing away the cries of pain.

Help us" they scream, their words
Echoing off of walls.
Losing their meaning as they multiply and
Likewise, get ignored.

why cant i sleep
at night like i should
instead im distracted
by things i shouldnt
afraid youll leave
if i sleep
i stay awake
not making a peep
would be dead
if they found me
awake this late
at 1am
please dont leave me
im not ready
to go out into the world
my legs arent steady
help ley me down
to rest my head
and promise that tomorrow
i wont be dead
i wont be alone
ill have you
and youll protect me
against the unknown

a/n i never sleep. too busy writing!

You're life is tough
I understand
You've been treated rough
Been thrown into quicksand
But that doesnt mean you give up
Not a chance
Instead youre supposed to prosper
Accept a helping hand
Nothing I could ever experienced
Could even compare
To the life youve lived
Pushing through suffocating dispare
Now I understand
You feel like a failure
But youre not
I swear
Please understand,
When I say these things,
I dont mean them to be fake,
Because they have meaning

Explicit

A for Anxiety
B for bipolar
C for confusion
D for depression
E for everything
F for ****
G for great...
H for help me
I for im fine
J for joking
K for kidding
L for lying
M for mistake
N for nothing matters
O for overreacting
P for please save me
Q for quiet
R for respecting everything but yourself
S for so what?
T for thanks a lot...
U for Underneath it all
V for very disrespected
W for *****
X for eXamine my life
Y for youth all gone
Z for a Zig Zag live of emotions

Be happy, and don't be any of these
Also, half of these most teenagers don't have, but we feel like we do

Thinking can
Harm you
In ways
No one
Kind could ever understand

Am I crazy
Butterflies in and
Out of my stomach, everything in
Utter shock,
Time no longer existing

Youth can be decieving
Outward apperance can
Utterly destroy our
Respect for ourselves and
Speaking of self respect,
Everyone has some
Life in them, it's
Finding it that can sometimes be hard

A little fun can never hurt

Life is a mysetery
In a nutshell
Titles as our names
Too much about us leaking through
Little to nothing at times we need feeling
Eventually no longer feeling anything at all

Most people
Overexaggerate little things
Respond inpolitely and
Eventually, never get what they really wanted

Love is hard
To find and to feel
Love is something
Not all believe is real

But I know
When I gaze into your eyes
That love is so real
It'll be my demise

Too quick to love
To trust and to be driven
You have to power to break
The trust I've given

But no matter what happens
The love I feel for you
Is something that you take for granted
One of my chose few

I meet you now
And see your true colors
As the backstabber you are
And not some lover

You hurt me in ways
I didn't know I could feel pain
Nothing can compare
To my feeling of disdain

So to you, my breaker
My fallen love
Maybe I was wrong...
Maybe there is no such thing as love...

I can't stop
I can't
I've tried
But it's consumed me
I won't be the same ever again
But it's okay
No one has noticed anything
No one has cared to tell me that I am slowly changing
No one sees my suffering
No one shows indifference to my shyness
I'm all alone
No one will ever understand

problem after problem
not always a solution
to the pain the always
festers inside of me

it just sits there
wanting to be seen
but you mustn't let people see
how you really feel

conceal yourself
behind a mask
or better yet
a hologram

know that you don't need to
hide all your emotions
the world should be able to see you
through thick and thin

don't conceal
let your expressions show
it'll help
trust me

I don't know
My life is upside down
Blood rushing to my head
Instead of circling all around

I don't know what to do
About the dampening sadness
All I can do is stop feeling
Stop caring

I want to help
There are so many people out there that are more important
That feel like this way for a reason
But not me

I never want to see him again
His smiling eyes
His false emotions
What he used me to do

I want this pain to go away
The suffering to end
But nothing can help me now
Nothing can show me light

From Sadness
To Suffering
To Death
To a final release

If only you'd listen
If only you'd stay
If only you'd keep me
And my sadness at bay
If only you'd see
If only you'd hear
If only you'd understand
I'm right here
If only you'd notice
If only you cared
If only you realized
That my life can be spared
If only I could see
If only I could care
To notice what you're doing
And how much you truly care

One day you'll find
That life isn't some rhyme
You'll find when you down
You'll fall to the ground

Life will throw you
Around and Around
Against all the doors
That have ever been found

Know that one day
Someone will kick you when you're down
Abuse in the worse ways
That have ever been found

Soon you will see
The lies that you have been told
And the ways you'll find out
Will knock you out cold

Think about you
And no one else
Take a moment to realize
You need to be found

I thought you said you loved me
But i guess i was mistaken
You took everything from me
And left my heart breakin’
Now i am left
Cryin’ myself to sleep
With no here
To help me
Sometimes i try to think
Of what my life would be
If there was never
A “you and me”
I was left for what felt like days
Locked in a place with no key
Thinking if only
There was never a “you and me”
At times like this i feel
That no matter what
Nothing can change the past
No matter what i say, do, or think
This realization came at last
Now i know what it takes to move on
And to finally forget
About everything you did to me
And all that was left unsaid

A/N You guys loved the other Middle School poem, so I'm going to write another one for you guys to read. This one will be about when I started 6th grade all through that time. I hope you like it!

First Poem: https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2247755/middle-school/

Worry flitted through my head
As I walked through those doors, unprepared

Nothing I had ever done
Had left me feeling so undone

"It's okay," I told myself
Not able to trust myself

I walked into my first class
Sat down, as the teacher asked

"What's everyone's name,
And how are you?"

I freaked out
And almost cried

I was so scared
I didn't want to be here

But now I think
Back to that day

And laugh at myself
Because I had no reason

To be scared or afraid

I had so many people there
Who had my back

And I made more friends,
Just like that

But as the year went on
I got more comfortable

I noticed who I should be with
And who I shouldn't

And towards the end
Of that hectic experience

I found out something
That I probably shouldn't

I followed protocol
And told someone

About the boy
Who was dealing drugs

My very own brother
Called me out

And I never heard the end
Of the screams and shouts

I wasn't just scared and alone at school
But they were all online, lying about me there too

Not allowed to talk to them
I dropped out of school and started again

Started new, at a brand new school
To become someone new

To become myself now
As I am always to be

Never doubting myself
Like I shouldn't be

When you think something, you can unthink it
When you hear something, you cannot unhear it

When you think something, it isn't true
When you hear something, it's easier to believe

When you think something, only you know
When you hear something, the whole world can judge you

because once you say something
it's in the world for forever

so just because you say "jk"
doesn't make it right

Because you never want to be
in a bullies sights

Waking up
With your head roaring
Don't know what to think
Don't know what's happening

Life almost gone
Almost taken away
Gone with the wind
So to say

Don't waste what you have
Because one day you'll think
That you wasted too much time
And you shouldn't of let yourself sink

Neverending darkness
Isn't something you want
Always not knowing
Whether you're alive.

Don't let this be you
Don't waste all your time
Because life is really short
And you want to live right

For the first time in a while
I woke up with a smile
It was plastered on my face
Almost perfectly placed
Getting my morning routine done
Was for the first time, fun
And I left with that smile
Stuck upon my face

Walking down the street
Making rhythmic sounds with my feet
I finally felt like I belonged
Not a character in some sad song
I talked to people without a problem
Like my anxiety was gone
And I got on the bus with that smile
Stuck upon my face

Walking into school
Something that is normally a blur
Was for the first time exciting
The pull to learn enticing
I couldn't be any better
As I type out each letter
To this ode to a day
Without any dismay
And so I continued my day with that smile
Stuck upon my face

i used to have motivation
i used to believe in magic
but then i met someone
that killed her
they say "hope is the thing with feathers"
and feathers are attached to an animal
i think mine was a bird
a phoenix with fiery wings
bold and unwilling to change for some idiots ideas
but my phoenix was drowned
and it left me vacant
my hope has been submerged in water of my own making
so now i no longer believe in magic
nor do i have motivation
instead, i sit in silence
feigning happiness and light
for my phoenix's wings no longer shine bright
and so, in turn, i don't feel any more
instead, i make sure that feeling goes to others

Emotionally- I'm done

Mentally- I'm drained

Spiritually- I'm dead

Physically- I smile

Even though you broke my heart
I know you still think about me all the time
When you're all alone
I know I'm still in your thoughts
I know a part of you wishes you'd never broken my heart and thrown me away
I know when someone says my name
                                  I come to your mind
But for me
Even though you broke my heart
I still love you
When I'm all alone
You're the only thing I think about
And I still sit there wishing
Why
      Can't
             I
              Be
                  Enough
                            For
                                You?

its gotten to the point to where
i dont know who i am anymore
i constantly fell like im on the verge
of breaking down
i feel like im going crazy
and my mind is an ocean
and my thoughts are a tsunami
i cant sleep
i cant concentrate
i cant even think straight

i
am
     a
       mess

im coming apart at the seams
and its scaring me

every day I find
I do something wrong
even if I was told
to do nothing at all
the lists of chores
I'm given each day
are too long to remember
one thing left to stray
that thing can be so small
like forgetting the laundry or dishes
but boy do I get in trouble
wishing for small wishes
to let me escape
to run and be free
no one to hurt
or ever kick me
because whenever I forget
or work to slow
I get slapped or kicked
but I don't let it show
hiding my true emotions
from the ones I should trust
because if they see my tears
I get kicked in the ****
nothing can compare
to the pain I feel
when the ones I love
hurt me for real
now that I know what it looks like
to be ashamed of your appearance
to be looked at with dislike
for no real reason
the scars and bruises
up and down my legs
are too ugly to show
at any time of day
so that's why I'm looked at
oddly in the summer
cause I'm dressed in pants and long-sleeves
like in the middle of winter
no one can understand
how much I do
until I leave for good
and they notice what I do
they shout and they scream
when something is forgotten
but I'm used to it now
that burning sensation
it starts in my eyes
making me cry
and when they see my tears
out of my disguise
I hide myself
behind a veil of smiles
because no one can know
how I long to run for miles
get away from this hell
that is my everyday life
finally find someone
that really makes my day
someone who knows
and understands my horrors
why I don't wanna know
what they plan behind closed doors
one day they'll catch me
with my mask off and away
my horrors will return
come back to everyday
because no matter how fast
or how far I might run
they'll always catch me
and then I must come
back to the home
that can scare my nightmares
where the devil once walked
and still does, I swear
forced once again
to work hard and not forget
for if I slip up
it might cost me my head

How's everyone's 2017 been? 2018 is right around the corner, and I can't wait! Was you guy's 2017's good or bad? Leave me stories to read in the comments and I'll get back to you! Also, don't be afraid to message me @ralucasusa2003@gmail.com and on here as well!

Peace out!
That gay *****

Hey Y'all, this ***** is here!

Sorry about the random updates, they(hopefully)will become more regular soon. I've had a lot on my hands, so please don't hate me!!

<3 Y'all!

Ashtyn

No one knows
The thoughts that run through my head
The urges I feel
To slit my skin

No one knows
The darkness I feel
It hangs over me
Just out of reach

No one knows
That I'm never "okay"
That the things I say
Are never what the seem

No one knows
The things I see
How amazing life isn't
What we see

nothing is like
How we perceive
We wish things to be different
But they never will be

A good friend should be honest and kind

But they shouldn't be afraid

They shouldn't hide



They should always be there for you

Even in your worst moments

Because the best will come eventually

You'll just have to wait for it



A good friend shouldn't be mean to you

Or to anyone you know

They should act like they'd want to be treated

Everywhere they go

You’re what i think of
When i wake up
And what goes through my mind
Through another breakup
You’ve been my companion
Through all of time
Even though
You’ve committed a crime
You’ve stolen my heart,
And that is worse than most
But, i refuse to go with you
Afraid that if i say yes
I’ll lose you too
That is a weight to
Heavy to bare
So i’ll just have to resort
To the good old “sit n’ stare”
Even though you’re my best friend
And i’ve know for a long time
I feel like we’re just singing a song
And spilling a rhyme
And, somehow i feel
That right now is not the right time
For us to pursue our destiny
To become lovers
For eternity
I think that we’ll just have to wait
For that right time
Before i’ll finally say yes
To your love to me