Despair clouds my mind
As I desperately search for escape I fear I will
Never find.
Can't you see I'm drowning in the
Emptiness of reality?

Inside my mind, I am free and there is
Not a cage in the world that can hold me.

Though, as hard as I try, I cannot seem to figure out
How to stay there
Eternally.

Gracefully, I leap and spin, a bird flying in the dark as
I mourn for the place I belong, home, that I
Long for every second, and every
Day. I wonder if I can survive this long without it. At the
End of the day I ask myself "Who am I?", and
Dread the answer that haunts my mind like a phantom.

Crimson stains spread through my soul as I fall into the
Abyss of madness.
Gasping for breath as I wake up to another day of
Endlessly dancing in my gilded cage.

Explain
                                            To
                                        
                                            Me
h
    o
        w

I can be


F       a      L    L  i     Ng             aP            A                  r              t          

AND BE SO numb

I am

W
h
o
l
e
A
n
d
E
m
p
t
y

all
at
once

How DARE you do this to me? You know how hard it is for me to
Open my mind to others, to trust anyone. I trusted you.
Why don't you understand the enormity of that?

Deep inside, I know you meant no harm. Or did you?
All the paranoia is rushing back and I'm sinking deeper in my own
Righteous insanity as I spiral in panic and fury. This is the
End of everything

You don't get it! I tried to explain it but you don't see how you're
Obliterating everything I've worked so hard for! Why don't you
Understand that you're ruining my life?

Doing this, telling them, betraying my trust in this
Overzealously evil way, nothing will ever be the same.

This is only proving to me what you've been trying so
Hard to erase from my mind: that
I can't trust ANYONE, or maybe I just can't trust adults,
Since I told plenty of friends and they didn't care

Truthfully, I'm getting a bit tired of all this. What's next?
Obviously, my whole center of gravity is about to shift.

Maybe everything will be ok? No, this is the beginning of the
End

What do I do now? I don't even want to think about it, think about
How my life is splitting apart at the seams and all of my panicked
Outcries are doing nothing to stop it.

Amazing, I think, that I've lasted as long as I have.
Maybe this is for the better?

I tell myself, but it tastes like a lie in my mouth.

If I cease to be Caligula, what do I have left
For myself. I am nothing, nothing!

Nobody truly understands that I am losing everything and am
Out of my mind with pain and fury. I can't stop
Thinking, why me? Why is it always me?

Can't I have good luck just one time? I'm not
Asking for much. I'm scared, no, terrified that my
Life is ending quicker than I ever anticipated. I wanted to die
Grandly, in a wild blaze of glory. Not with my whole life
Upturned, sinking slowly, suffering wildly,
Losing what I worked so hard to achieve,
And wishing I could go back and be great one more time.

I'm sick, so sick of the cold
the sun beckons me
Want, wanting for more
than this dull city
Seek, seeking the waves
that crash so clearly
Miss, missing the breeze
that revived me

Feeling lost in black and white
I am craving color
Want nothing more than to take flight
Long for eternal summer

Marooned!
Mainland
Cry into my cold hands
Can't wait any longer
My hope's being slaughtered
I lost my Atlantis
Can no longer stand it
Alone in this place
Marooned

How, how many years and
Can I make it
Hold, holding back tears
I have to fake it
Fight, fight for control
Know if they see it
All, all will be lost
I'd rather die

Clinging to the songs that say
(I cannot make it) (I can make it!)
Broken down (Beyond repair?)
Long for this to be over

Marooned!
Mainland
Comforted by dark hands
Can't wait any longer
The anger burns hotter
My mind running rampant
Please, I cannot stand it
Split, torn, and twisted
Marooned

In my dreams
The mountains tower above me
Ocean waves crash below me
And the wind flurries around me
While the sun warms inside me
In my dreams
I am finally home
And I wish that I'd never wake up
I wonder, can I last another day?

Marooned!
Mainland
Reaching out with cold hands
Can't wait any longer
The pain's getting stronger
The home that I long for
Gets farther and farther
Can't take anymore
Marooned

Ink, spreading through my soul, my life, as I scribble endlessly:

Don't tell me this is normal, having two
Opposite sides of myself.
Never understanding how I can believe
Two opposing things at the same time.

Kindness always, but I long to be cruel. Love, but sometimes I
Need to hate, to feel the fire burning in my soul. The
Origin of this duality remains unknown, regardless of
What intense measures I have taken to try to understand myself.

Why am I so split? Why do I feel like I
Have to mask constantly to hide my dark side, to pretend like I'm
Only strange, not truly crazy.

I wonder sometimes what's wrong with me.

Am I falling deeper and deeper into
Madness every day?

Ask anyone: I'm "too nice". I'm sweet and enthusiastic and
Naive. But that is only one part of me. Nobody knows that every
Year I am forced to question if I am truly as good as the
Mask I put on. Yes, I am good. But I am also evil. My mind is an
Ocean, both life and death all at once. Am I just overthinking? Will I
Regret all of this worry, or regret that I didn't
Enlighten myself to the wonders and horrors of my mind sooner?

I must be
d
e
l
u
s
i
o
n
a
l

How else can you explain the stubborn butterflies in my stomach?

They are maroon and baby blue, and look like seashells and melodic laughter

You make me feel
ok

I didn't know I was still capable of that

When everything is falling apart
You are the glue holding me together

I don't understand. I thought only God was perfect,
but you are nothing if not perfection

I adore you-
talking to you
and laughing with you
and putting my head on your shoulder
(you said you like it)
and any time I am around you,
just watching you
hearing you
basking in your beauty

You are as beautiful as the masterpieces you create
I wish you were mine
You will never be mine

You deserve the world
I wish I could give you the world
I wish you could look at me the way I
look
at
you

I wish we could be
more
than
friends

That when I want to kiss you so bad it hurts,
I don't have to stop myself
Squeeze my eyes shut
One, two, three
Open
Take a deep breath
and go back to being
f  r  i  e  n  d  s

I love being your friend
(I love you)
I want to be your friend forever
But I want to be the friend you kiss
the friend you curl up on the couch with,
entwined together
sharing a blanket and watching whatever you want
The friend you confide in, whisper in my ear all of your secrets and pain
The friend you let hold you close, and tell you how beautiful you are
and not in a platonic way

Because you are the cool breeze sending shivers up my spine
And you are the Caribbean sun bringing peace and warmth to my soul
You are the crash of the waves against the rapid beating of my heart
You are a multitude of maroon butterflies flurrying in my stomach
You are my siren song, luring me into the pain of loving you
You are my undoing
and it is an honor

Part of me hopes I move on
But another part of me, a desperate and passionate part of me, swears I never will.

And some tiny part of me still holds on to the
d
e
l
u
s
i
o
n
that you see me the same way

I always knew I was crazy,
but this is just
depressing

Because we're best friends
And you don't have a clue

How I wrap you in a tight hug and find it near impossible to let go
I breathe you in as tears ***** at my eyes
I whisper a goodbye and a "love you" in your ear
Because best friends are allowed to do that
Then, I watch you walk away
as I cry a little on the inside
ok, cry a lot on the inside

I hate school
but I still look forward to every exhausting day
because I get to be exhausted with you
Because you'll be there
and that makes it worth it

Do you even notice me as more than a friend to laugh with?
Do you think about me when you sit alone in your room at night?
Think about my singing, or the way I looked at you when I told you how perfect you are?
The way I tuck my hair behind my ears when I work
Or how I'm always so excited when you ask me for a mint
Or how I trust you more than anyone else?

Do you notice little things about me
like I do about you?

Like how adorable your laugh is, and how it hitches slightly depending on your mood
Your giggle of alarm and delight when I try to trip you and somehow end up tripping myself
The way you examine yourself in the mirror, searching for a nonexistent flaw
How you still ask me about the state of your lipliner, even after I accidentally let you walk around with a bit of it on your chin before you noticed
How you secretly love singing, but are too shy to do it in front of people
How absolutely hilarious you are when people care enough to listen
The way you squint when you draw, turning your head every which way to perfect every line, every detail
The way you flush with quiet pride when people compliment your work

I can't imagine life without you
But I imagine life with you
all
the
time

It hurts to keep this a secret
But you can never know
I refuse to ruin our friendship
It's all that's keeping me sane

It must not be doing a very good job though, because I'm still
d
e
l
u
s
i
o
n
a
l

Love is its own telepathic language/that we will never truly be able to translate/no matter how hard we try/how much we ramble on/in poetic verse/trying to explain something using sound waves/I wish I could open my mind up to you/so you could feel the telepathic love I write each day/in my heart/ like a passionate song/ in a drowned ship in a bottle/stained and covered by water/so all the ink blurs/ you can no longer read it/but you know whatever is hidden there is profound

Falling
Freely
 Now

                                                           ­                                    Pitter-
                                                         ­                                       Patter
                   ­                                                                 ­           Plop


                        Peaceful
                         ­ Breath
                          Taken





                    ­                                Watching
                        ­                            Raindrops
                           ­                              Fall