And I awake in the night, the aches and pain of tearing fibers everyday to have my body rebuild them
Its an unease, tossing and turning in my bed
Turning on music with no words, nightly hymns
Yet my mind drifts to a place, not so far, for now
That was simpler, filled with new experiences with new friends new places new family
I never quite knew if it was excitement, fear, or the newness that made me feel like I was on top of the world, maybe because I was out in the world
Of course I only remember the good, the fondness of the past grows with each passing day we stray further from it
But, when I awake in those nights, I feel a longing, the breath leaves my chest and it feels hollow and shallow to breath
I miss the nights wondering the town, drinking and sharing and getting lost with people I hardly know, yet know better than anyone within 2,000 miles. I miss the family that took me in, though I was anxious and could barely communicate, it was comfort that I remember the most. I miss the routine. I miss walking and the weather and the people and the clothes and the countryside. I miss how old that country is, the food, the lifestyle. I missed being a person, with a blank slate and being an explorer.
But, most of all, I miss the mundane of that place, the bus rides, the room, the dog, the walks. I missed the person I was and the life I was allowed to live.

Even if I were to go back, it would not be the same
It was the time and place in my life that I cannot revisit, not the location
so maybe that's what I feel in my chest, a longing for something that once was and can never be again
and even more than that, the hollow shallow breath is the fear of losing even just one of those memories, lost to time, to unconnected friends, to the country and family I left with tears in my eyes and cries in my chest when riding one last time to the plaza

It's hollow inside
Surprised it hasn't died
Shattered from those who lied
Every breath echoes, "Against the tide"

Empty, lonely, but producing love madly
Pumps so slowly
heart hardened, coldly

Its life began without instruction
This heart was broken then weakly constructed
The fear and panic, the final destruction

Waiting for that moment
That all sins will commit
a heart, too late for atonement

i should have never left that place
that place where i didn't feel so abandoned
yet what hell i lived despite the good
and what life i led despite its promise
i ****** up and had to go
my choice, my fault, and nothing more

need to be alone now as I walk up the steps,
make my way through book stacks heading to the back.
there, there's a hidden staircase, just barely within view.
i travel up quietly, hope returns anew
but voices from around the corner tell me I must move on
climbing up more flights, becoming more withdrawn
silently searching for something not quite so loud.




Close my books and pack my bags
Shoulders and eyes begin to sag
It's 12 o'clock at night
as I wander away from the lights.
to a place that touches the stars
that little space off the charts.
where heaven meets earth is where I'm bound
but I cannot reach it unless I am Found.

I want to feel disappointed
I want to feel like I have failed
But the feeling I feel most often
Is feeling impervious to things that should bother me most

I know what I should feel
unease, disheartened, and anxious
But all I feel is placid, empty, and slightly annoyed

So I sit on my bed at 2 am and wait for something to fill me
Fear, determination, or irritation
so I can fill out the papers next to me
even with the knowledge of its utter importance
I still couldn't give a ****

I hit my head
My eyes are strained
My neck, it aches
Spiderwebs form in the whites
And knots align the joints back
I sleep far too much
I eat (maybe once)
My head's a mess
My body's a wreck
And I don't think there's anymore I can take
I drink water but am always thirsty
My vision is worsening and my mind is clouding
And as my bones are showing, my eyes are bulging, and my thoughts drift only to "I want to ()"
I look in the mirror saying I might go mad, then again, I think its too late for that

I could fall asleep on endless,
Drop from the stars above,
Drown in the darkness of the pond,
Or dance off the highest peak of the mountains.
I could drive to and through the end of the road,
Drink 'til my liver's thin,
Or dizzlily walk into oncoming traffic,
And, honestly, that would be okay

Its a feeling of loss? But what did I  lose
A mere thought?
Because theres nothing wrong
but something should be?

Im missing something Knowledge? Understanding?
the 'why'
it all just feels wrong
the way i feel is wrong but not necessarily bad its just not me
im ashell of a person
my emotions are so limited and when if i shed tears it is...
why do I cry
i havent lost anything or anyone yet I feel hollow
or is it loneliness
in my thoughts, my feelings?
theres no passion





no pain

what happened to you?
that you were so afraid of messing up
these words mean nothing
and being thrown to the dust
because all these gifts and memories take nothing to the test
hyper visions of misery heightened, the wise are unknown
curses and shadows brew 'round their heads
or stars and spaceships from the planet of the undead

what happedned to you that you felt so empty yet so mad and angry?
a raging fire of something unseen, something unknown
far from your reach
they say expeirence and memories shape who we are
but i cant recall a gooddamn thing that made us who we are

what happedned that you could take that bullet to the head placing that gun inside of their hand?
a trigger, a flash, a ringing sound about
yet nothing splatters at the wall because we know once and for all
that what happened to you happened to me and no matter how much you think it might be
our names will never be graved in that stone
for one
one can only
die
a l o n e

I awoke on the floor all covered in dust
Sweat salty crust
A mixture of blood, sweat, and tears ran
And collagetlated in the sand
A distant humming and deepening groan
Of gutteral intent, from something below
And lifing my eyes all blackened and blue
Closer and closer it grew;

Standing above, puffing its chest
But seeing my eyes had outdone his best
He lifted those black boots again
Smashing my head, caving it in
Knocking my jaw out, nose detatchs thin

As the slits poured with gour
All i could say through broken bones was,
"I can take much... much more."

i sit and shut my eyes
even for a moment
a blink or flutter
and i think i'm somewhere else
a lapse of time, a micro dream
i'm in a different place
i can't correctly describe it
but the way i feel is clear

its quiet, it isn't calming but its not threatening
its always dark and always a room of some sort
whether it be a bedroom or a classroom or my car
everything is still, dark, there's no temperature or wind
but i'm not numb either
and a door's always open, or a window
but everything is the same, a dark charcoal color with a tinge of blackened blue

it lasts for a micro of a micro second and i only can describe it because of how many times ive seen it

but then i become frightened because of how confused i feel
like there is something not quite right about the things which i see
then my brain wakes up and the light is seeps back in with a foreign sight before me
of a book, the wheel, a screen, a wall, or someone talking
and it all comes flooding back, at least some of it
but i still cant shake what happened and the panic that was felt
that brief moment where you belong nowhere and questionably may exist
because it feels so real in the moment as if ive teleported there

it doesnt help
not one bit

I feel trapped
like I can't escape
whether it be this room, this town, or this wake

Whatever it is; there's no way out
and its suffocating to feel so much doubt;
to dream, so much,
yet have nothing to say

Because the meds work too well
and I can never remember myself
for any thought, I might have had,
has now become lost far in the past

So here I exist, alone, in the now
never lost but never found
anchored down, gagged and bound
waiting 'til hell's end comes dancing 'round

i try to set my mind aright
but thoughts and feelings,
know I'm wrong
for I sleep no more at night

too dumb to falter
too weak for help
reach to grasp
that which is never felt

its these dreams, I fear, that are making me distant

It was a Wall I must've built
in one of those days I was not free
and they kept me under lock and key

A Wall so hard and thick
not even a hammer could puncture it
A Wall so high and deep
where it touched the sea beneath
and rose to Everest's Peak

many times I cannot bring myself to see it
or even just to think it:
that one day it might crumble down
and I can see its protected Crown

yet I still avoid it all the time
for it was where I drew the line
on that day so long ago
where all these thoughts were my Foes

and now i give this wisdom to you
for i am sure you think you know everything
that you know all that is under the sun
but hear me now

for was it not yesterday that you felt the same way
and was it not yesterday you then learned something new

you see:
the world is filled with mysteries that you don't already know
for i once believed the same
but now it comes to show
that knowledge is misconception
and in accepting that you're low
you become wise as King Solomon
and only then you grow

as the man slowly took the roll from his lips, letting the smoke drift into the lights. still his breath produced puffs as it touched the night air. he watched the cold mix with the warmth of the smoke, dissipating and dancing itn the sharp, chilling wind. to the stars his eyes did carry to the yellow sky above, the hot stump between his fingers began to burn now on his skin. 'til he smelt the putrid smell coming from his numbed hand below. and with that smell and the city lights and the smoke that rose above he realized something he never before had from the loud streets and yelling cabs. that the world wasn't all that beautiful, he thought with tearful eyes, the pretty was wearing off, and the sky above that he used to love was absent of all stars