sober decisions
no proper thought

sweet amber lights
deathly black ash

nicotine rush
the world is spinning

a fleeting high
a wave of dizziness

missed calls
unanswered messages

an innate desire to self destruct
an unconscious want to be appreciated

low blows and insecurities
anger unexpressed

a dangerous game in wet pavements
under orange lights and judging eyes

3 sticks consumed quickly
no regrets; but a thousand sorrows

Watching closely.
He sets the crayon down
"Thats a lovely doodle!”
“That was what once was”
Curious, questioned
Naive and young
“Well what is now?”
He draws a picture at the back
Appalled, disgusted
“Now is not so lovely anymore”
His father, his miserable father
Hanging from a chandelier*
“I wish I can take him back
But i guess he’ll take me instead."

It hurts —
My body aches for your embrace;
My mouth yearns for your kisses.
God, I really wish we didn't have to…
But you understand.
It’s for the best, right?

It hurts so much
Here in my heart:
Where you should be;
Where traces of you still linger
In the crevices of my brain
And in the chambers of my heart.

I’m sorry.
I know it’s hurting you, too.
I still love you;
And I know you still love me.
But maybe we weren’t supposed to be.
Not now, at least.

But someday,
When we’ll start right;
When we don’t have to hide what we are;
When we can show the whole ******* world
That they were wrong —
That we were, indeed, in love

I believe

That we’ll find our way

Back to each other.


No matter how long


Or how far.



I will wait with you.




I will wait.

There’s something about
The way the candles
reflect on your tan body —
The way the warmth
And the dance of the fire
Makes everything about you
So appetizing;
So appealing.
There’s something about
The orange of your skin
And the rosy scent of it
That allures me
In the most lustful
And loving way —
In the most shallow
And meaningful way.

The gray vinyl on the walls was peeling with moat and the wooden floor reeked of stagnant water. We sat at the back of the room with legs interlocked with each other. I thumbed his hair as he traced my legs and my knees. We stared at the grandfather clock in the center of the room —  beating as loud as it can as my heart thumped and my knees quivered while he traced my inner thigh.

        “You know, when I kiss you, that clock stops ticking,” he told me as he played the hem of my skirt.

        'Oh, really?' I challenged him, gently taking his hand from my thighs.

        “Look at it!” he exclaimed. He pressed his lips on mine and he closed his eyes while I kept mine open and fixed its direction to the clock. The weights stopped right on its track and the hands stopped ticking. He released my lips from the lock of his. “Did you see that?” he asked, staring at me intently and gently.

        I answered, 'Yeah, it was like magic, a spell, just casted then… bam!’ He closed his eyes and laid his head on my thighs. He chuckled.

        “That’s how it is when I kiss you, time just stops. And I want that to happen every time I’m with you,” he says.

        ‘Then let’s just kiss the whole time,’ I answered with a soft smile.

        “No, I want to enjoy you as a whole. Not just when I’m kissing you or when my hands fiddle around your body,” he answered back, shifting his body towards my tummy. “I want all of you. I want to know more of you, and I want to discover more of you,” he added with a tender smile. I smiled back at him and gave him a quick kiss on the forehead.

        “Can you sing for me?” he pleaded. I closed my eyes and sung him his favorite song — to the beat of the grandfather clock. It was then that I knew that this would be the boy I would love in my entirety.


        *And I was right.

Cold blood
Cracking skin
Purple lips
Blue nails
 
Dull eyes
Stiff hands
Torn clothes
******* –*
 
I didn’t mean to do it.
I only wanted a kiss — 
I only wanted her whole body;
It was something I couldn’t miss.
 
She was the predator;
I was the prey
From when she opened the door
Across the hallway.
 
Why did she lead me there?
Didn’t she want it?
She wouldn’t go all the way
Until I have had it.
 
All I wanted was a kiss,
All I wanted was everything,
All I wanted was to go a little further
Until I heard the sirens singing.
 
She was a tease
In midnight streets,
And it was a sin
That I couldn’ beat — 

Maybe if I hadn’t
Kissed her then,
She won’t be dead
In silks of linen.
 
I am the victim,
Not the culprit.
She was unclear — 
Made me want it

She made me believe there’s love 
In the night of Salem — 
Until I realized
There’s no love in torn denim.

He reminded me of a song;
No words but pure symphonies — 
Only the strumming and plucking
Of the strings of the guitar.

Tragically and harmoniously beautiful,
He was the solace of my melancholy — 
Every part of his angelic wholeness
Filled with wonder and all things lovely.

He fitted perfectly, in my empty spaces,
Lyrics unsung and words unspoken.
And with every breath he exhaled,
He filled my heart to its brim.

small enough to be unnoticed

big enough to be scrutunized

As the silver swings
Against the tan, soft linen;
And the crimson rushes
To the white vinyl;
And the harsh cream light of the moon
Turns into a soft pale gray to pitch black --
I realize:

I exist only in oblivion.

She looks in the mirror;
Oh, how ugly! You say.

She touches her soft pink lips;
And you remind her of her ugly lies.
Ugly lies! Ugly lies!
Only trash coming from her heart.

She looks at her eyes;
Her dull, soulless eyes —
You tell her, how bland!
How flat and bleak!
It’s because of all the things
That she has seen.

She looks at her body;
You say, what an ugly mess!
You have all these fats
Placed in the wrong spots.
Why not starve yourself to death?

She turns around and looks at her back
You remind her
Of the ugly gnarled scars
And how she was backstabbed
By all that she loved
Because she is insecure
And will never be loved.

I look at him.
He looks back.
****, say ‘hi’!
I turn away.
He turns a corner.

****.

At sa huli —
Ng sakit, ng pighati —
Ang tiwala ko sayo
Ay tuluyan nang naglaho.

Every time you hold her hand
I hope she holds it tighter than your grip
Like I used to;
I hope you see me.

Every time you hold her body against yours
Like a blanket,
Warmth for your cold heart;
I hope you see me.

Every time you look into her eyes,
I hope you see constellations
In the universe of her wholeness;
I hope you see me.

Every time you kiss her with your chapped lips --
Hers, soft and warm against yours --
I hope you taste endless summer and winter;
I hope you see me

Every time you say 'I love you'
To the woman who replaced my place in your heart,
I hope you see me, too;
Because until now, the only thing I see
Is you

I don't know.
It’s like I don't have you, I said

Nothings lost
You still have me
I still love you
You still love me
I still have you
If those are true
Then nothing is lost, *he said

love when you are ready —
not when you are lonely

Denied — pushed at the back of my mind:
This love was not meant to be;
Just as I wished it was for you with her.
Once more, like yours,
My love was based on selfish wants.

Why are you sad?* I asked, giving him a kiss.
It’s because every time we part,
I always have this longing of
Wanting more time with you, he said.

I always want more of you.
It’s always never enough —
A day will never be enough,
He told me with solemness.

He looked up at me and made a promise:
I promise you I’ll be the man,
The man that will spend all eternities with you
And I won’t ever be tired of it.

I love you, that’s why.
I love you in all the curves and edges —
All the patches and etches
In my temporary body

For now, I’m becoming that man;
Slowly, but I will be.
I’m not saying that I will grab all the stars in the sky
Because then, all the glimmer in you will disappear.

All I promise is,
I will be the man that is right for you.
But for now, I’m only becoming
More than the man of your dreams.

I gave him a shy smile and thought,
You will be the man, I know,
You’ll be the man I’ll spend my entire life with.
*But for now, you’re still my rose bud boy.

My words,
My poetry,
My art --

They're my suicide note;

And no one seems to listen.

as the flower bloomed
brighter days were promised
in love letters and hopeful kisses
everything…

everything fell in to place
because finally
we made and experienced
something so beautiful
so pure
so lovely

as it grew — matured
we thought of futures
our jaded happy minds
longed to embrace

but as the flower wilted
we turn back to the time it bloomed
forgetting to take out the ****
neglecting its need of water
asking what ifs
losing trust

we failed to realise

that its destroy

did not start when it bloomed

it started when we first planted it

and then we realised

it was planted on toxic soil

we began to realise,

it was never beautiful in the first place

In the morning, mellow and bright,
The Sun kissed me with light —
Combing my hair with his radiance
As he made the clouds above me dance.

In the afternoon, warm and mild,
The Sun painted the still sky wild!
With strokes of pink, orange, and blue,
The glamor of beauty, he drew.

In the night, solemn and calm,
The Moon caressed my jaded palm;
He blew stars on my midnight hair;
He winked, and they twinkled everywhere.

She wishes
for the moon
to shine radiance
upon her
jaded skin

She wishes
for the sun
to burn roses
upon her
sharp cheeks

She wishes
for the stars
to shine glitters
into her
bloodshot eyes

She wishes
for him
to find
her beautiful

Oh, the thrill,
The pleasure, the pain —
Static —
Electric shock.
My body tenses
With every touch
Of his gentle hands
My body jolts,
My skin crawls —
Of satisfaction
And hunger —
Wanting more.

He gives her a wilting rose with thorns —
Fingers crossed and a wry smile.
She suppresses pain and denies truth.
She smiles and says, i love you
Through a sore palm and bleeding fingers

i want to be pretty
I want to be kind

i want to be loveable

i want to be wanted

instead

i got this ugly face
ugly personality
this ugly body
that makes everyone go away

I want to love myself
but i hate myself

i want to die die die
no i just want to be perfect

I want what she has
i know i never will

what do you see in her
that you cant find in me

you like because
you love despite

and you say you love me
but never despite

you like her because
she is all this and that
i cant be any of those and im sorry

why cant you just love me

well i do hate myself
a lot
so who doesnt give you the right
to hate me too?


its hard to stay sober
from self-hate

its the strongest drug
i’ll ever take

hooked on its bitter taste
hanging by its threads

tangled in its promises
that nothing will be good

for me atleast.

End.

The only reason why I stayed was because of pity.

no
one
cares.