i'm a person that believes
that someday you will leave
and that your smile will be the death of me
for i know that we can never be
my heart shouts your name
but if we change we'll never be the same
again, here we are
i see you as nothing but a scar
from what we could've been
your hand lifting up my chin
leaning in for something
that would get my adrenaline pumping
but no, that'll never happen
your arms i'll never be wrapped in
you wouldn't show up at my door
telling me you're wanting us to be more
your eyes told me secrets
they would kept me sleepless
it was a stare or a glance
that made me think i had a chance
besides, i was probably just another girl
one of thousands in your world
that is also hoping to call you mine
and here i am waiting for something like a sign
so that i would know when it is my time
my time for you to love me, your time to rhyme
your time to be head over heels for me
like how i am now for you, but you don't see
when it is our time to be together
i know you would hold me in the cold weather
But i need to stop with all this thinking
before my heart ends up sinking
all these what if's and could have beens
is where all the pain really begins
because it's you that keeps me overthinking
and my imagination that keeps me hoping
for something that is way beyond my reach
and it is you, within each.
I need to stop hoping
and maybe then i'd stop groaning
over a loss that wasn't completely mine .
soon i'll be laughing and i'll be fine
but for now i'll still be desiring
as long as you're still inspiring
but i know for sure there's nothing for us
and for this topic, there's no more to discuss
Your words enrage me,
Making my mind swirl and pound with pain,
You think you know everything.
Your a liar that thinks that your higher and mightier than the rest.
My mouth is sew together by barbed wire,
Not allowing me to defend myself, or say anything back at you.
You never think before you act or speak.
You just mix a drink and try to find the perfect lie,
And try to pour it over top of me, to make me feel ashamed.
You like to make me think that I am a mistake,
My opinions mean nothing to you,
I am nothing but someone you can lie again and again to.
But don't you see, that I am not easily fooled?
I know every lie you speak, my little liar,
You cannot fool me anymore with your pathetic ways to wound my pride.
I am stuck to a little liar sadly,
I love him to dearly to let him go,
But for some reason when he says, "I love you," or "I do care,"
I can't seem to bring myself anymore to pretend that those words hold any kind of truth.
i. I never knew four letters could melt
menthol candy-like, hydrochloric acid on my tongue
and keep burning it in different degrees
I had to swallow back.
ii. That there would come a time
I'd have to baptize the pain in my chest like seasons
robbing me lungfuls
on January, September and December nights.
iii. That my blood was really ink I needed to stop using
before my skin turned paper-like.
iv. That my heart had an epicenter pumping a magnitude of earthquakes
that made me tremble helplessly in its intensity;
and that they were man-made calamities
followed by harsh, heavy, whipping tsunamis
to flood my grave of bleeding, jagged fault lines.
v. That aftereffects lasted longer than treatment itself,
and that I didn't need any professional diagnosis to know
I was terminal
from the same drug that made butterfly-strokes in my veins,
whose arms withheld the only elixir to this malady.
vi. I named my sickness, my pain, my agony like orphaned children, after you--
a rare disease
the doctors didn't even know about yet.
vii. I did and I doubted
but a part of me beat signals
that echoed off the cave walls of my skull
that I knew.
viii. Before everything,
I have been warned
but I chose to listen to the soothing, wrong, hopeful voices
"He means no harm,".
ix. You began spreading like an epidemic-- a tumor to a colony of cells all over me-- until I became you;
a reflection of familiar suffering and mortality, slowly withering away.
In the end, I didn't even have you to blame
for letting me overdose from intakes
of my own damn, bitter medicine and unforgivable mistakes.
x. I guess, this was how you wanted the price to be paid.
How would I stop this feeling?
I don’t know if I feel the same
When someone is in love and falling
Is this must be stop, in this way?
Is this love? That they say
Is this the feeling I love to share?
I must be the one who should be blame
I shouldn’t fall to someone who’s not fair
Loving you is not easy
But escaping from it is terribly.
I want to push my head against the wall
Hoping that there is someone put me up from fall.
"Who is she?", I asked myself
As the image came closer and clearer
This feeling that seems to be almost forgotten
Like I have known her for a lifetime.
When I realized who I'm looking at
The tears that I hardly held back fell down
'Cause I wanna show hate and strength
But my emotions cannot be deceived.
There's a lot of 'why's' that I wanna ask her
Starting with, " Why's my memory's telling me that you're long dead?",
"Why you're back so sudden after all those painful times caused by your loss?"
To asking her, "Mom, do you still love us?".
Yet nothing ever slipped out of my mouth
All the reasons I wanna hear doesn't really matter
'Cause all I care for now is her
She's back and that's all I'm wishing for since she'd been gone.
All my disbeliefs and doubts just fade away
As I reached for her and feeling her warm flesh once again
I wanna grab every minute to made her feel loved and special
So she won't ever leave again.
The joy was overwhelming at the moment
And it was drowning me, thinking of nothing
Hoping that it would never last
Before a dashing light filled my eyes...
I tried to reach for her inspite of the blinding light
But couldn't seem to find her
I'm screaming her name
Yet no one ever responded.
And as I opened my eyes once again
I'm back in the dark and was all alone...
Originally written 06/05/16
I feel so little,
It's so hard to keep trying
When none notice you.
It's been some time since we've spoken,
I don't mean a one word greeting...are we broken?
I've tried everything there is
gave my pride up for this!
Are you saying it's all for nothing,
That my efforts are simply rotting?
How quaint of you to think that,
How kind of you to say
that all that I've done
will be forgotten, washed away.
How the heck do you think I feel?
That all I had been working for was never even real?
I trusted you so much,
and then you started to change.
When I made my decision,
We were still family.... Just estranged
I didn't give up,
I still cared
I couldn't stop!
But all of it
fell on deaf ears not attempting to hear,
unseeing eyes not willing to try,
dying souls not daring to live,
closed mouths not striving to speak,
shattered hearts not struggling to be made whole!
My efforts were in vain
and yet why can't I release myself from this?
Why do I still freaking care?