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Kim Elaydo Feb 29
sober decisions
no proper thought

sweet amber lights
deathly black ash

nicotine rush
the world is spinning

a fleeting high
a wave of dizziness

missed calls
unanswered messages

an innate desire to self destruct
an unconscious want to be appreciated

low blows and insecurities
anger unexpressed

a dangerous game in wet pavements
under orange lights and judging eyes

3 sticks consumed quickly
no regrets; but a thousand sorrows
  Jun 2018 Kim Elaydo
Barker
Is it really worth it?
Does loving you out weigh the cons?
You mean everything to me.
But I have these voices in my head
Telling me it's wrong.
These voices make me second guess everything.
I don't know.
What if I'm doing something wrong?
What if you don't really love me?
What if I'm just fooling myself?
...
What if you're just playing with me?
I've had my heart played with before.
What if this is all just set up for heartbreak?
I can't withstand another break up.
What if?
...
These voices keep me up at night.
I can barely sleep.
Sometimes I don't sleep at all.
I just lay awake thinking of all the possibilities.
I can hear the voices telling me that you don't like me.
I can hear them saying things that I know aren't true.
But they make me doubt everything.
I don't know what the truth is anymore.
And that scares me.
(c)ibarker
Kim Elaydo Jun 2018
small enough to be unnoticed

big enough to be scrutunized
useless and judged
Kim Elaydo Jun 2018
My words,
My poetry,
My art --

They're my suicide note;

And no one seems to listen.
i am alone
Kim Elaydo Jun 2018
i want to be pretty
I want to be kind

i want to be loveable

i want to be wanted

instead

i got this ugly face
ugly personality
this ugly body
that makes everyone go away

I want to love myself
but i hate myself

i want to die die die
no i just want to be perfect

I want what she has
i know i never will

what do you see in her
that you cant find in me

you like because
you love despite

and you say you love me
but never despite

you like her because
she is all this and that
i cant be any of those and im sorry

why cant you just love me

well i do hate myself
a lot
so who doesnt give you the right
to hate me too?


its hard to stay sober
from self-hate

its the strongest drug
i’ll ever take

hooked on its bitter taste
hanging by its threads

tangled in its promises
that nothing will be good

for me atleast.

End.
just wanted to spill some thoughts sorry if the lack of editing is making you hate me dw i hate myself too probably more than anyone ever could.
Kim Elaydo Aug 2017
Denied — pushed at the back of my mind:
This love was not meant to be;
Just as I wished it was for you with her.
Once more, like yours,
My love was based on selfish wants.
this love isnt real
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