My life was on
an upward climb
for a good long while,
and I would spend
my nights inside
the crevices of my
hyperactive mind,
rich with thc
and departed far
from reality and
this was not stable.
To be so consumed
with a limited array
of things and thoughts
provided for a curious
yet cramped labyrinth
that eventually had a
jolting end, an end
that I didn’t want to
face or see because
I was comfortable
and change was scary.
it’s been ten months
since the day i died
inside my head,
dead, once i’d explored
it all, and time has allowed
me to see past the allure
and understand that
I was living in monochrome,
not full color.

Morning caresses my lips
With a squalid kiss -- the taste of last
Night’s stale liquor, a greeting most
Usual and unwelcome all the same.
Sated beyond means, I still am
Stricken by thirst, dry lips parting in
Consternation, heavy hands
Fumble aimlessly for old reliable, that
****** bottle of advil that may as well
Have its name etched in my dresser drawer
The morning after may be ripe with regret,
Hazy recollections draped in uncertainties --
But at least one thing remains surefire and
Constant --

Thump -- clank
My head, the door, my achy feet
Taking their first apprehensive steps
Into their habitual walk of shame
The mirror salutes me with the
Visage of a woman worn, tired and wildly aged --
There’s no way we’re the same person
Or are we?

Suffocated by my own self doubt
And your disapproval,
Struggling to keep my head up
But you plunge it under

I want to believe in you
But I’m too old for lies and
I realize that it’s been this
Way all along

It’s raining bullets,
Blood and tears
Smoke and mirrors
Dampened fears
Stale air ****** down your lungs
The dead girl’s song is left unsung

Can I be your late time lover,
Part time darling in dark skies?
Would you call me pretty, my love,
Could I be your favorite surprise?
I’ll gladly be forever yours even if
You can’t be anything of mine,
By day I’ll be a face in your crowd,
At night our lips shall entwine

Tired, uninspired
Whatever happened
To the way i used to be wired?

I dug myself out of
The trenches only to find
Myself inundated, the
Thick mud tugging at my
Ankles like quicksand --
But isn’t it fortunate
That it’s malleable,
That I will mold it
To my own liking and carry on?

I know I should have closed the door
But I left it ajar
I couldn't lose you,
but as it stands right now --
You're already so far
Come back and let yourself in
It's never too late
To birth a new start

Crowd’s a buzzin’
But it’s just you and me
Nobody knows us,
It’s easy to be

A name to a face,
You’re still just a 'who'
But put us together,
And see? That makes two

Powder room princess,
In veils of smoke
Rugged old gangster,
We’re sharing a ****

Onto the floor,
A dance and a sway
Silly and sultry,
We’re flying away

Made it back home,
To finish the night
Music is playing,
You slip out of sight

Hand grazes powder
A most wonderful find
Nose-deep in snow -- Help!
I think I’m going blind.

Self appointed prophet
Putting forth prayers and
Pamphlets as you tear
The room asunder --

No regard for mortals,
But you brush it off with
A smile so sweet, a touch
Of the arm and divine influence --
After all, it’s your duty

Hands raise in the air,
You plead us to join you,
To save our souls and
Get redemption in turn
For a half-hearted prayer

If searching souls and
Turning them pure is your
Mission, then dear Susan,
You need to face the mirror
To truly find God

Honeysuckle queen
Charming, stinging, so serene
Royal subject I will be
Your venomous kiss
For which I plea

The hills peek
Their heads out above
Still clear waters,
Tombstones tall and
Tremendous enough
To stand for the loss
Of five whole towns

Beneath the calm lies
Rusted railroads,
Crumbling foundations,
Fading blueprints of a
History long forgotten

It’s quiet on the Quabbin,
Silent front and stark divide,
Monument in mourning
Flooded, forlorn, fated
To be forgotten

My ***** is hungry but
My heart hungrier --
I ache for love over touch
Time over a singular burst
A lady to call my own over a
Transient lover,
An angel’s caress --
A sensation like none other

Every day and night
Our worlds collide
Two lit faces in a blurry crowd
Of passing faces, pacing
People and you’d think
I’d be able to hide

Do you see me, too?
I’ll never go to ask
remaining silent, moving past,
Heart and mind racing
Against one another as I
Try to find the means to
breathe

You’re so pretty in the sun
When it rises gently in the
Morning, and cascades light
Down your smiling face.
Sitting still by the windowsill,
I’d be dead if looks could ****

If i could romanticize
The present like i do
The past, and let my
Worries tumble gently
Down and off my back,
I’d be free of it all,
Clean and chaste

pitch black night light
screen taps, too bright
eyes squint blink tears
swallow, sigh, hold fears
one sob empty throat
alone, aloof, alone, alive

Sadie, of satin
Sables who dances the swing
Pretty little thing

I push and I pull,
I tug and I tear,
Churning and creating
Waves that ripple out
In violent force
But drown me also

My heart swells when laughter
Washes over your face --
I long to freeze the moment
Forever, but even a picture
Could never suffice:
Eager eyes and flushed cheeks,
A vibrant grin that’s worry free
Joy in its purest form, unmarred
By any single thing

I want nothing more in life
than to keep you there with me --
We’ll take this moment now
and make it an eternity

From rags to riches
With no in-between
How’s a girl to live
When true love’s yet to be seen?

We were bonded in birth
As we will be in death
I sealed our fate with a gun --

I took your wardrobe
and buried my past
in your grave --
Made a sacrifice so
I could have another
Chance at life
Struck you silent so I
Could ****** your voice,
Felt no sorrow
When pondering my choice

I laid my debts to rest
With all the ills I faced
Revenge is sweet and
Triumph better -- perhaps
Because I was so bitter

I stole your name
your mansion too: but was it
Really stealing, my dearest love,
When the whole time I was you?

Open your eye to the
Misty dark sea,
Brimming with unexplored
Mystery and washing ashore
dead carcasses, sometimes
crab shells sometimes corpses.
Still the people flow in,
Out, in, out, until one day
they’re swallowed and all
that’s left is the
spitting sea foam.

i dream of the day
where i’ll be able to say
i know how to enjoy
Free Time, Me Time, Time
Alone with no crimes,
instead of yearning for
hours at a job i deplore
because i can’t bear myself
anymore

I’m committed to the grave,
Giving away bits and pieces
Every day, crinkling them like
Paper and ripping shreds into
Ribbons that shower down
Upon me

I sleep at high noon, peak
Hour prime time, dozing
Into dark absences, void
Of light and being without
Commitment, a kiss, a fling,
A long nap

I’m afraid to surrender myself,
To face defamation and be
Deflowered by cold fingers
And a choking fist, but I long
To be teased, to taste and try
The eternal without ever having
To say goodnight.

They inhale the herb
Breathing out love
Lost in a peace-filled haze
For smoke is where
They find their shelter
A battle cry
A new war
Against the one that’s going on
Where smoke parades about
The flaming forest
And the people
Are coughing and dying
In this cloud of destruction
Though smoky still
They can discern
The promise of victory.

Hi, hello, barging in
Peeking through
Confronting sin

Flushing, angry,
Visage blue-- it’s
The world from
Which you do
Eschew

There’s no eloquent way
To say
******* or
what the ****.
the immediacy,
the poignancy,
speaks volumes
where fancy words
Cannot.
So here’s a big,
Fat *******
Sealed with
Contempt, sprinkled
With salt, because
Your sugar sweet
Was ******* fake
And that’s the icing
On your cake.

Broken vessel,
Stalwart beauty
A work of art
Standing alone and bereft

How many voyages
Has she failed to complete?
Starting off so strong,
Only to taste defeat?

Young bright thing
With inexplicable rust
Something broken,
Something bad
A faulty error, a fatal bust

Salt water tears,
So bittersweet
Knowing her cargo
She cannot keep

Turning back for shore
On her final try
Fighting her hardest
Not to cry

Waved bangs frame
Your fair young face,
And flowing clothes hang
Like drying laundry
From your gangly limbs

We met for lunch once:
You, daughter of
the stars and I the curious
Traveler. My words did
Not flow as I’d hoped,
But hung limp in
The air vulnerably--
For your guarded heart
Ignored their pleas.

I see you daily, star child,
With your hooped earrings
And painted lips, eyes
twinkling like distant suns.
I will continue to admire
you from afar,
Even if our worlds are
Not in orbit and our
galaxies sit light years apart.

My bottom blossoms
When I sit atop the
Bed and fine red lines
Run down its sides.
If this is the marking
Of a budding woman,
Then let me proudly
Display my vines.

Clarity crashes --
A car wreck clears her conscience
Conflicted, careless girl.

The voices in the halls
Echo cruelly on the walls,
Laughing faces distort and
Whisper but no one else can hear;

Arches stiffened to perfection
Spinning round in all directions
Violent tremors spewing forth while
Talons clutch and claw

Lose yourself in pure delusion
Don’t give into the confusion
Bleed your heart out on the stage and
Let dancing take your breath away

quiet storm,
i answer each dream
like wind

Tears and tequila sloshing in her stomach
She’s a turbulent maelstrom, violently
Pulling and pushing people in and out
Of her suffocating grasp

The ocean calls out to her, whispering
“We are one of the same;"
Tugging and strumming the strings of her heart
As they wail to the violins

Shattered glass and swirling gales
Lure her to moon white sands
Her body moves unconsciously,
Gliding smoothly toward the tides

The waves crash at her feet and
She is salt water -- the teasing temptress,
Singing siren, luring men to certain death,
Spitting limp bodies back to shore like seaweed

Foggy eyes drip brine into the ocean
Essence fading with each step forward
Shallow waters embrace and murmur
“Welcome home,” her last moments
Preserved in the crashing sea foam

Industrial rust
dusted over and
hardened, tarnished
towers and the solitary
echo of the wind -
perhaps once there
was a presence to
this Plateau, if anything
it’s buried in the woods
of the cemetery with the
legacy. A dead tree in
a dying field, engulfed
by emptiness and a monument
to the past: but how much
longer will it last?

why do i always want
the wanton, the wicked?
when my mind wanders
it’s always a bad place

Words never failed me
Until I met you
And how hard it is, darling —
For I’m enamored of
So few

I've loved from a distance,
A picturesque place
Where nothing can harm me
For I leave no trace

You feel its pull before it even shows
It tugs you into climbing heights
Foam churning at your feet
Like the contents of your stomach
And even if you found the courage
To whirl around and face the tide
It will have already swallowed you whole
Crashing down from up above
Bitter with fear’s salt
Stronger than man
And so you drink it in, open-mouthed
Because you don’t know how to swim
But you’ve mastered how to drown.

touch me gently through the screen,
grab me fiercely in my dreams,
take me up into your arms and
twirl me into a land of make believe
tell me tender love is true
in our tiny world just fit for two
timeless beauty,
how I weep, for we’re apart
till I find sleep
how I pine throughout the day
to commit to slumber and
hide away

bone against skin
jutting out, thin --
i want a gaunt glow
where my cheekbones show
without contour

if running from my issues
keeps me trim,
and tiny meals
make me slim
i’ll keep grinding until
my hip bones pop --
and when i’m dead is when i’ll stop

Inhibitions exhaled
With each sip of the
Rose blush crawling
Across my cheeks, it’s
A blossoming flower that
Roots itself in my
Torso and spreads
Throughout blushing
hands and feet

Soft sweet kisses
On the tip of my
Tongue, sweet burn
Churns my stomach
Heat rises gently and
Encases me in a
Fuzzy aura of warmth

No dam could withstand
The entirety of my every feeling.
I break everything I touch --
I always stop and hesitate,
knowing --
That I’m just too much

Children, gather round
Your second parent calls
A simple box
Wooden and metal
A face of glass
Adorned with two knobs
Take your seats
And take off your shoes--naughty!
Elbows off the table
Legs crossed, hands clasped
Black and white
Levittown
Like your mary janes and stockings
Your president birthed
And mourned
Mother’s in the kitchen
The window outside your little world
Is black and red but not white
Malcolm X, and all the rest
Standing up for their territory
Little girl, the country’s changing
Pick your daisy
We’re not crazy
The bombs come closer every day
Haven’t you seen Castro
And our fiascos by the bay?
Great Society
Social Security
Aid for the old and poor
Dinner’s ready
Mother’s specialty
Credibility on a plate
Crudely disguised
Plastic, fantastic, and uniform
Yet your mind is so hungry
That you eat it all the same
And give it no thought
The window’s widening
Its light reflected
On that glowing omniscient face
Color! Color!
Bright and vivid
Dancing at your fingertips
Brother’s gone off to Nam
Off with your skirts, your stockings,
Your mary janes,
And that awful ribbon in your hair
Burning dope
The rainbow bathes you
In its splendid glory
The birds in the sky
Like rolling thunder
Hawks tearing at the doves
****** falling to the trees
Agent Orange
Fire, death, destruction
Where’s your meal now?
Johnson stumbled,
Faith has crumbled
And so have the foundations
Of your enclosed walls
Bobby’s groovy--
No--he’s gone
And King’s dream
Escaped with his last breath
White rabbit,
Gentle rabbit
Sing your peace
The country’s ablaze
At home and away
Stand your ground
Chicago, Ohio
Each one’s a battlefield
Time for dessert--
Licking lollipops
LSD
Clear your plates
For a second course

i miss the way my head lay
cradled in your thighs
how you arched your back
sending shivers down my spine
clenching fists and quiet sighs
our skin -- together --
my hand -- inside --
it was then that I found paradise

I would never want to write your narrative
Even if you should pay me no mind
I sit here, tortured
At the very thought that you’re not mine

I would do anything for love
To feel whole once more
But my darling
I wonder if you’ll ever open the door

You tell me I’m pretty
I laugh with ease —
But my mind, it falters
Will I ever find peace?

The smoke exits my mouth
In a tired exhale
I kiss the mesh screen and
Wish it were your lips
Soft, tender, melting into mine

Your image flits idly
in my mind
a hazy reverie
An image imprinted
So delicate and fine

Yet still you elude me
By volition or chance
I sit back, defeated
But still enmeshed in a trance

Assumptions aren’t truth
But they’re all I know —
And my darling, I sense it
Yet I can’t let you go

Deviant daughter,
I’d give it all and more
To have you knocking at my door

Satin drapes, silver knifes
A furnished mansion to
Start our lives anew
Oh, my darling,
I’d even **** for you