Okay so I was listening to Beetlejuice, and he sings
'Jesus pass the Dremamime'
And I knew it was a drug, but I didn't know the effects. Turns out it causes halluciations. Well, that's the main thing, there are a lot of side effects. And to be honest, hallucinating explains a lot about Beetlejuice, and the whole musical.

[16:25, 9/24/2019] You: I read your letter
[16:26, 9/24/2019] You: and I also can't communicate so taht's good
[16:26, 9/24/2019] You: but I love you too

[16:26, 9/24/2019] Me: How do you make me so happy, it's unhealthy??

[16:27, 9/24/2019] You: literally though, talking to you makes me feel like I'm drunk, or high
[16:27, 9/24/2019] You: but in a good way

[16:27, 9/24/2019] Me: Finally someone who understands

[16:27, 9/24/2019] You: awww
[16:28, 9/24/2019] You: I wanna kiss you
[16:28, 9/24/2019] You: I want that so badly

[16:28, 9/24/2019] Me: I'm not gonna stop you.

[16:28, 9/24/2019] You: are you sure?

[16:28, 9/24/2019] Me: Yes. Really sure.

[16:28, 9/24/2019] You: I have no experience whatsoever
[16:29, 9/24/2019] You: I probably **** at kissing, jsut warning ya

And you said:
~
I'm also so ******* in love with you
And together we will move forward, I also don't know what will happen.
But we will get those good things together

Hey. Guess you'll know it's me by now. I don't really know where to start. Again, I wrote you a ton of these kind of letters. They all ended up in the trash too.
You know, It kinda suprises me. You said that you read the line "I'm in love with you." from the last poem I sent you, thirty times. but, In the letter I wrote you, I said it too. I really thought you'd noticed. I really thought you already knew. Not that it matters a lot anymore now. In a good way though.
I really don't understand the stuff you do to me. remember the first day of school, when we hugged in the middle of the hallway? Lucky me, you walked away for a sec. I was shaking, it surprised me you didn't see. How? I don't know. Or when you told me; "I would date you." And my brain just, stopped. I literally couldn't think anymore. It really felt like a dream, and it still does. I dreamt about you last night, I vaguely remember. It was kind of a nightmare, but before it got scary I woke up. But seriously, when I think about you I just, I don't know man. ****'s confusing. But yeah, I really am head-over-heels in love with you. And, I don't know what's gonna happen next, but I know it'll be a good thing.
Sincerely, me.

That's the thing with life,
No one makes it out alive.

I've put so much of myself into my poetry,

That I became whatever DARKNESS I shaped with   p e n   a  n  d  ~   i  n k.

My parents made me
Wear a skirt, and a short sleeved t-shirt.
The only reason they didn't see
The scars that covered my arm
Is because they bought make up for me 2 days ago, in which I hid the scars.
"Because you're a girl."
Right now, I ******* feel like
'Micheal in the bathroom'
Anyway, I'm gonna continue crying in closeted trans now, bye.

You have all the right to not believe me,
It really wasn't your fault baby.
But I know that I want to keep you in my life.
Who knows what the future will bring, maybe?

"Are you really sure you'll do it?"

"Yes. I've wanted to do it for so long now."

"Yeah."

"But then what?"

"And then, me?"

And, that moment, when we stared into each other's eyes, I knew it was meant to be.

I can't believe it's actually happening,
It's all I wanted for so long.
And fantasy becomes reality,
But it all feels so wrong?

I know you looked at me,
But I don't think you saw me.

My scars are finally starting to heal a little,
But my veins are itching for more.

Hey. It's me, again. Probably not such a surprise, is it? I wrote you a whole lot of these letters. About all 9 of them ended up in the trash. Partly because they just 'weren't right,' but the biggest part was because I was too self-concious to give it to you. So, yeah, I'm in love with you. You may, or may not know. I really understand it if you chose to ignore that part. And, I like you, okay? Not only as in 'in-love,' but as a friend too. You were there when I needed someone, and I'm really glad that you were, cheesy as it sounds. It's kinda messed up to be honest. (I'm kinda messed up too) And, I feel like a creep again. What about this idea; You read this letter, You ignore it, I drown in sadness like I usually do (probably) and I never talk to you again. My feelings will hopefully dissapear and you can live a happy life with your friends and family without me. Sometimes I really wish I could do that. God knows I'm way to helpless for it. I'm sorry, this has really turned into one big mess. I tried to write it with my own mind, but that just keeps wandering off. I'm not sure what to say anymore. Sorry man.  Uh, there's a little "poem" on the back for you. I still have to write it, but, you can see.

Sincerely, Me

I don't understand what's going on in my own mind anymore

Hug me, hold me tight.
With you, I will say goodbye

It hurts to imagine you beside me,
Because I know it'll just never be.
But everywhere I look I find you.
Never with me, but it's all I see.

{ "Here, take this test I made for you." }

"Okay?"

{ "Step/Question one: How do you really feel?" }

"I guess I feel... numb? I'm not supposed to, there's no reason, but I feel so, so empty. I mean, I can write about a lot of obvious things I feel. You know, everything you see in my poetry. And people think: Oh, this is just a little part, She must be so sad. But in reality, everything I write, is everything I feel. If you take away [name] and all my feelings for [pronouns] I feel nothing. I'm just dark inside. Dark, empty and numb.

When I stare at my face,
And look deep in the mirror,

It's never the love that creeps in,
Always the 'horror'

I see a girl standing there.
An average looking girl.

She's not to tall,
But also not short.

She has brown hair up to her shoulders,
With blue and indigo streaks in it.

She's wearing pants that are a little bit too big,
Because her disorders make her lose weight.

She's wearing a red and black 'lumberjack blouse'
It's a little too big, it's from the men's departement.

She has a pretty small mouth,
But her lips are pink, and kind of plumped

She has bushy eyebrows,
But not in an ugly way?

She has beautiful grey, blue, green eyes.
It depends on the day and her mood.

She has a little bit of a crooked nose,
That a tiny bit too big for her face.

She has a chubby face, not so much
But she's a little chubby over all.

She has braces on her teeth,
But that's pretty common these days.

She has a pretty normal body,
Normal figure, a little on the "fat" side.

She has an arm full of scars,
But they have always been there, so it's fine.

And all of the above,
Every day that's what I see.
But what I see in the mirror,

She's a girl.

She   is   not   me.

Beetlejuice
bEEtlEjUIcE
BEETLEJUICE

If you could let me in?
Not just in your mind,
But in your heart?
That would be enough.

Waking up from a dream
not knowing if I'm really awake
Am I remembering a memory?
or is this thing inside my head a dream?

Days go by and I don't know
memories are overflowed by dreams
I look around and wonder
What if this was real?

I don't think words are quite able to capture the beauty my eyes see, every time I look at you.

I wanted to write a goed poem,
But words don't always work in the way you expect them to.

Tap tap
Does the rain against the glass
As I blow my nose another time,
And wish I wasn't sick.

So, here's another thing I've written to you. I've filled pages and pages, and, I kept a record. It's calles: "All the things I wanted to tell you, but never did." Usually, I call it "All and more." I just read one of 'em back. And I still can't explain the anger I felt. "3 months you've been posessing my mind." I still feel the anger from when I wrote that down. I was so mad. Not at you, but at myself. At the world. For letting me feel this way, and allowing myself to feel this. I used to think you were just a wave of lurid inspiration. But you weren't. You weren't just a wave, you were the entire ocean. And everyone knows how beautiful the ocean is.

I have so many tests to study for,
Yet I'm sitting here, wishing to die.
I have so many things to do,
But all I do is mentally cry.

I can write poems, essays, paragraphs,
Fill the entire world with all of you.
But I don't really want that sadness,
I just want to write our love story.
Even  if   it    isn't     true.

I sent you a letter,
To explain the way I feel, and the rest.
And I don't exactly remember what I wrote,
But that's probably for the best.

Yeah, You're really easy to write about. Some people are hard to capture. Not because they aren't 'deep,' but because they just don't have that thing. That thing that makes you turn your head around again becuase you just want to have another look at those eyes. Maybe this will help explain. You have people, and some of those people are really good at writing. And some aren't. Now imagine if you take a really good writer, and someone who struggles with it, to write a poem that captures the beauty and feeling of, for example, a broken window. Someone who's good at writing, good at seing the beauty and the broken in things, can write it down with so much ease. On the contrary, someone who doesn't see it, it's way harder to write everything just about right down. I feel like I'm one of those people who can turn everything into poetry. And you said, you never expected someone to write about you. But I know, and I'm sure of it, that if you ever met another poet, they'd write about you too. Because every poet I know, would turn their head around too.

You smelled like cigarettes and coffe,
But you probably don't smoke.

I just want to be the one, to speak her name as mine.

100 followers, and this is my 300th poem!
Thank you guys so much <3
I love y'all :)

Still don't have those binders. I'll probably ask one for my birthday.

I need more broadway shows to listen to.

I haven't found the answer keys to French yet, but I found the answer keys to dutch. They're only one chapter per 1, so that's not very helpful.

I sent the poem 'March 15' to the person it's about, and I'm not sure what to think.

I got an F and a D+ for my tests.

I'm not sure if the note numbering is right, I messed up at 34. But it's fine now, I think.

Also, I'd love meet some new people on here.

Have a good day.

"Well, if my parents aren't gonna let me wear a suit to the dance, I'll wear the most extra dress of the whole year."

"What if you wear a dress with the trans colours?"

"Y e s"

To all the kids from 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, and all the others who were told they're to young to be a poet.

To all the theatre kids who can't sing but do it anyway

To all the people who post vines, memes and jokes on here.

To all the people who post poems while they're in class, or in the middle of the night.

To all the people who are open and proud about their sexuality and gender.

To all the closeted people who still post poetry about it.

To all the people who quote songs, movies and musicals.

To all the people who post the conversations they have with their friends.

To all the people who were told they're bad at writing, bur do it anyway because they like to.

To all the people who are unsure about their writing.

To all the people who support all these kind strangers online.

To all the people who support all poetry, no matter what gender/age/sexuality the person has that wrote it.

To all the artists that wanted to try something new.

To all the people who have known this site for years.

To all the people who are new here.

To every poet I haven't called out,

You make this community even better. I love you.

I believe that was the first time I wrote something about you (Or maybe posted.) I'm sot sure what I wrote before that, We'd have to dive into the history books. March 15, Almost half a year ago. I've thought about a lot of people since then, I've loved a lot of those people too. But, it's been 172 days. 172 days and I there hasn't been a single day that I haven't thought about you. And I don't think those days will come soon.

WAVING THOUGH A WINDOWWWW

[16:11, 8/22/2019] Me: Why are we doing this tbh. Not that it's bad, There's not a lot of things I'd rather do

[16:11, 8/22/2019] You: I don't know
[16:11, 8/22/2019] You: I guess we are just trying to find ways to be happy?
[16:11, 8/22/2019] You: and like. It's intriguing

[16:12, 8/22/2019] Me: As long as we'll stay together, like, that we're not out there alone, I'll be happy

[16:12, 8/22/2019] You: I feel the same, because we can get through it together
[16:12, 8/22/2019] You: as long as we are together, I will be okay and happy

[16:13, 8/22/2019] Me: It'll be okay, probably

[16:13, 8/22/2019] You: it will be

[15:43, 6/5/2019] You: I trust you
[15:43, 6/5/2019] You: I really do
[15:43, 6/5/2019] You: And I love you (platonically)
[15:43, 6/5/2019] You: And I really, really do want to help you
[15:43, 6/5/2019] You: So let me in

[15:44, 6/5/2019] Me: Sorry I'm crying just a little

[15:44, 6/5/2019] You: I don't care how dark it is in your mind, how desperate you are or how much you want to scream or cry
[15:44, 6/5/2019] You: I will hold you and help you, help you get back to lighter places. And until then, you can scream and cry but with me on your side
[15:44, 6/5/2019] You: I promise
[15:44, 6/5/2019] (response to 'sorry, I'm crying just a little') You: Hey it's okay, I'm here

[15:45, 6/5/2019] Me: Why are you saying this?

[15:45, 6/5/2019] You: Because I mean it
[15:45, 6/5/2019] You: Because you deserve so so many good things
[15:46, 6/5/2019] You: Because I want to help you

[15:47, 6/5/2019] Me: It's just
[15:47, 6/5/2019] Me: I'm so tired of saying that I'm fine but as soon as I say that I'm not people shut me out
[15:48, 6/5/2019] Me: I'm not used to anything else

[15:48, 6/5/2019] You: I understand, I've been there

[15:48, 6/5/2019] Me: Really?

[15:48, 6/5/2019] You: But you can always say the truth to me, always
[15:48, 6/5/2019] (Response to 'Really?') You: Yes really
[15:48, 6/5/2019] You: And god, how I wish I could me honest to someone, anyone
[15:49, 6/5/2019] You: But I'm here, and I don't care how bad you feel just be honest

Remember kids, ****** is never the answer. ****** is, of course, the question. And the answer is yes.

Remember kids, if you ever stab someone, punch them where you're gonna stab. They'll think you punched really hard, they won't realised you stabbed them.

I got a F for my test

It's so weird to say this, I feel like a terrible person. I can't promise that I won't feel shame, regret or fear, writing this, but I just want to be able to feel this way to you for a minute. I wanna hold you, shout at you, and scream in your face how pathetic you are, but I can't. I get that you feel bad sometimes, but I know you aren't depressed. You self-diagnose yourself with everything you can imagine. Not liking to talk to people isn't "exteme social anxiety." Feeling sad sometimes isn't "Depression and suicidal thoughts." Cutting the tips of your fingers once a month isn't "Before someone finds me dead in my room." And I get you want to make something beautiful out of the things you feel, but sadness isn't beautiful. You are misusing these things I feel, to create something. I get that you 'Want to feel, and be a part of this.' But you aren't. You keep complaining about how bad you feel. You shut up when you 'Almost commited suïcide.' but as soon as you get a single feeling that is not hapiness, you push it onto me. You drag me down because you feel all this terrible stuff. And I know you don't mean it wrong, but I'm so tired of having to feel this way too. That boy, you know, T, he made sure we all paid for his feelings. I ran after him for 3 miles, to stop him from taking the train to Hadestown. I don't wanna chase after you. I get that you haven't figured out your sexuality yet, and that you're confused. I get that you haven't figured out your gender yet. But I know you aren't pangender, or genderfluid. I just know. You always seek attention from me, and when I don't give it, you become 'sad' again. You're so pathetic, and words can't describe the hate I feel sometimes

Yes, feelings ****. Not that I have a lot of them, but the ones I have **** me up, and mess with my brain, body and mental health. The only place I still feel genuine hapiness is with you. I'm happy in a lot of other places, with a lot of other people. And I wouldn't wanna change those moments. But I'm never the same happy I am with you. I've never felt something quite like that hapiness. I used to see you pass by in the hallway, and still, if I pass you by, my eyes light up a little. It used to be hard to find you in a crowded place, now your face is the only face I seem to find. You don't wear colorful clothes, but you always catch my eye. You light up those really dark places, just by being there. You don't even need to smile. I don't think a lot of people see that. I don't think you see that. But I do. And I don't think I would still be able to see in the dark without that light. I'd stumble and fall, over and over again. And it's okay if I have to walk there, alone in the dark, for a little while, because I know that if I'd fall again, you'd be there to catch me. Maybe not now, Maybe not everytime, but someday, in the future, It may be.

The conversation went like this:

J: "Hello daughter"
(It's an inside joke, we have a whole family tree :)
Me: [Looks at J]
J: "uh, Son"
L: "Son!"
L: [Smiles and hugs me real tight]
(L is trans too)
J: "How dare you ignore your mother"
Me: [Hugs J too]
Us: [Laugh]

I don't want to write, or do anything else. I have energy, but a lack of motivation. I don't care about my words anymore, they're just sentences smacked together. I want to dream. Just lucid dream, until the sun rises for the 5th time. Until you'll be mine.

"So how are ya?"

Fine, I guess. I've been feeling really good and rlly happy the past weeks, but I'm so anxious. Like everything I built will just collapse and make me fall in a dark hole again. I actually didn't self-harm for over a month, so I'm kinda proud of myself.

Anxiety and hapiness
but like
mixed together