You keep dreaming of
The idea of love
You read it, you weep it--endlessly seeking
But it's falsehoods that breed it
No wonder it's fleeting

And as it goes
In the madness you wallow
The empty, the still: a hard pill to swallow
With only the night to hold you tight
Nothing but wind caressing your skin

You want the man on the page
To love the girl in the mirror
You want the tears on your face
To purge, to erase
And make the flaws disappear

And it's not long before
You're falling once more
Can't find arms to embrace you
Nor lips to kiss you
And until mortals can soothe you
These abstractions must do

They're not but distractions
But they're all that fate has granted you

Time goes on, and things--they pass.
Nothing's ever built to last.
I will leave, and so will you.
Out with the old and in with the new!  
Just one thing before you leave--
I need to ask you, pretty please--
I know that you're moving on,
Just don't forget me when you're gone.

Directors and playwrights:
Puppet-masters pulling strings.
With an ending clearly written
A divergence is unseen.
Lines rehearsed,
Movements blocked,
Costumes sewn,
A table of props.
Each piece dependent on the other,
With trust that each will stick
To the parts neatly rehearsed,
To the lines within the script.
And it is wondrous entertainment
For an evening in the dark,
Where the set is just a fiction,
Each player, just a part.
But I'm not here for your enjoyment.
I'm not here to play along.
With the conflicts you've determined;
With your solutions to these wrongs.
I know my lines, I read them.
I know my steps, I've walked them.
But these lines, you wrote them.
And these steps, you blocked them.
How can I accomplish
Something different, something new
When I am following in footsteps
Conjured up by you?
It'll leave my company scrambling
To get us back on course--
But I have no desire
In the destination forced.
And if the set begins to crumble--
And the illusion is dispelled--
And all others break from character--
And the misconceptions that they held,
Then certainly my disruptions
Would not have been in vain,
When something new arises
On the stage that still remains.

A lot of questions I never asked
(you didn't either).
A lot pictures scribbled black
(no reminders).
A lot of reasons I left like that
(I'm not a fighter).
A lot of times I swore I'd never look back
(but I'm a liar).

You speak to me in flowered words
I suckle their sweet nectar
Lured in by colored verse
But gone by late September

What words would I have written then
If my fate had lied within?
Stories remembered? Studied lines?
Or eroded by passing time?

Four walls.
No door.
A roof.
A floor.
Trapped inside.
It shrinks in size.
Smaller now.
There’s no way out.
I cannot think.
I cannot breath.
Dark and cold.
All alone.

I can't speak of tender touch--
Hands sweep, lips brush--
Ever closer, that's close enough.

I can't describe you close to me--
Sweet breath, buckled knees--
No further, stop please.

I can feel the tempting sway—
Blushing cheeks, flirtatious gaze—
Wanting you, just not that way.

Please love me regardless?

With salty eyes
and a shattered heart,
I stand and watch
a world fall apart.

These buses sound like dinosaurs
With screeching brakes and engine roars

typically "typical"
is thought predictable
where typical types
emerge in the syllables

man = white = *******! = no ****, right?
girl = cis = delicate ≠ this.

type up the typology
categorize into "ologies"
start stereotyping
to support the philosophies

f(i) = she = sweet ≠ me
∴ ***** i must be

draw a box around me ⇒ i'll fit
type up a label ⇒ it'll stick

but ≠ me
      = us = we
is that the type of person
you want to be?

A warrior's spirit
that gives me fight.
A wanderer's soul
keeping me up all night.
A philosopher ponders
inside my mind.
A poet's heart
makes the chaos rhyme.

Sunburns that hurt like hell--
All the secrets we would tell--
Summer nights that wouldn't end--
Thank you for being my friend.

The subtle buzz of recognition,
High pitched squeak of a hello.
The gentle hum of conversation,
Small talk with friends you barely know.

A small acquaintance fills the silence,
Keeps you from fiddling on your phone.
But it breeds only temporary compliance,
And I would rather sit alone.

Remember those nights?
In the summer? So fine.
How we ran around
and forgot about time?
Remember those games we made,
thinking us clever?
Oh, how we believed
that it'd last forever.
Climbing trees.
Scraping our knees.
Childhood laughter--
caught in the breeze.
Growing up was
so far away.
Monsters in closets
is what we believed.
And the friends that we had
would always be near;
There was nowhere else
except for right here.
But time came, at last,
when we started to change;
We cut our hair
and hated our names.
We started to think
about "wrong" and "right."
Breaking petty laws
in the cover of night.
Friends all changed,
along with the things that we did.
But I'll never forget
being a kid.
Back when troubles
didn't exist.
Back when it was
gross to be kissed.
And I'll always cherish
what we use to do.
Back in the day
when I was still friends with you.

Back to counting the hours
until I get to go home.
Back to awkward encounters
with strangers I know.
Back to wearing my earphones
in tense public spaces.
Back to standing alone
in a sea of the faceless.

Back to socially inept,
standing in corners,
intense introversion
and wishing it was over.

Back to hiding my flaws,
my quirks and my oddities--
not talking too much
because I say all the wrong things.

It's back to the grind,
and I'll muddle through
because at least when it's over
I'll be home with you.

I look around;
I know this place
Lost in a gaze
Upon your face.
Your lips,
Your soul:
Secrets untold.
In your eyes
Shine brilliant lies.
On your cheeks
Is where you keep
The tears you've wept:
Promises unkept.
I know this pain.
I know this war.
I have lived it all before.
And looking now upon your heart
I see it ripping you apart.

But I cannot help--
Can't offer solace.
Can't reassure you'll escape flawless.
For all my battles,
All lines crossed,
This is the war that I lost.

It feels like maybe I'm not best for you
I keep getting the best of you
I know you've been thinkin' it's time to get on and move
You're worried about me--that's sweet--I'm worried too
But sometimes you've got to do
What's best for you

Lost in the fictions I didn't write myself;
Stuck in the stories up on the shelf.
Exploring the spaces between the lines,
The images swirling inside my mind.
And it's an addiction, the emotions compelled:
I'm wrapped up, consumed by their endless spell.
Please never rescue me from my delusions,
And may these tales never reach their conclusions.
If the fantasy realms and other dimensions
Cease to be, I would disappear with them.
For I am a composite of fandom and myth,
Without which, I'm sure, I couldn't exist.
So leave me to drown here in legends and fables,
The sagas and series-- all lands with no equals.
The characters conjured: imaginative haunts--
But the feelings they give are the best that I've got.
Don't save this damsel for I'm not distressed;
Just leave me to wander through some fictional quest.
If I cannot fit in the world that's created
Then leave me to die here between the pages.

Just another day.
Just another break.
Just another moment
that my heart couldn't take.

Goodbye to all the friends I knew.
I loved the time I spent with you.
You made me laugh though things were bad;
I won't forget the time we had.

Darkness comes and clouds roll in
and thus a thunderstorm begins.
Suddenly there is a flash,
a booming jolt and then a clash.
From the evil, looming clouds
raindrops fall, smacking loud.
The big, bad storm causes quite the fuss;
children scream and parents cuss.
The TV screens have all gone black
and people find it's light they lack.

So quick are we to pass the blame
onto someone else's name.
We quickly spread vicious lies
to insure that others are despised.
We push those around us so far down
with all the **** that we spin round.
No one is innocent of this cruel game
for if you were to look, everyone's to blame.

Boredom comes, consumes your mind.
You slowly watch the passing time.
You wonder if it’ll ever end,
Even though it just began.

You profess to know me.
You profess to love me, too.
But you've never put in the time for either,
So I profess that neither's true.

If God had to go back
to work on Monday
Bet he would have invented, then rested,
More days than just Sunday.

I'm cursing my alarm--
Using, in vain, the name of his son.
Wishing that God would have rested
More days than just one.

If we run
If we run
Then we might make it in time
If we're late we'll be forgiven
But if we miss it that's all right
Because tomorrow is another day
And at least today we tried
So won't you run
Won't you run
Won't you run with me tonight

Her eyes were wet.
Her soul: a wreck.
There was no fixing her heart.
She fell to her knees,
Unable to breath,
And finally fell apart.

Take your time.
Please don't rush.
Sleep on it
if you must.
Don't decide
based on lust.
'Cause, if you do,
I'll be crushed.
So take your time
and please don't rush.

I need to know
that you stopped
and put in
some decent thought,
listed the pros
and the cons,
weighed the rights
and the wrongs.

Give this decision
thought and time
even if you don't
change your mind.
You hold my life
in your hands:
all my dreams,
all my plans.

Take your time.
Please don't rush.
Sleep on it
if you must.
Don't decide
based on lust.
'Cause, if you do,
I'll be crushed.
So take your time
and please don't rush.

No time to sleep.
Too broke to eat.
Into my books
I start to weep.
Said I could be
anything:
Go out! Go forth!
Chase your dreams!
Except I ****
at calculus,
and who the hell
is Romulus?
I need two jobs
to pay the rent;
An exponential
growth of debt.
They say, "go get
an internship,"
but with pre-reqs
I'm not equipped.
Need to study,
everyday--
'less I throw
my whole life away!
Volunteer!
Try something new!
Stop giving me
more things to do!
I'm up to my knees.
My waist. My chin!
Not sure if I
know how to swim.
Will this ordeal
ever desist?
Or I am going to
die like this?

I don't need to prove to him
Who and what I truly am
I don't need to prove to you
All that I know I can do

And yet,
I still want to

As my mind begins to wonder,
I am compelled to wander;
Going ever further,
The distance ever farther.

I feel safer in the silence.
I feel safer in the darkness.
I feel safer with the monsters.
I feel safer in the abyss.

In the shadows I have hidden
all the secrets I've been given--
all the secrets that I made
trying to tuck a life away.

You want to **** them with the sunshine,
but I only dance in moonlight.
I stay hidden beneath the stars
because all my scars
are wounds I got in plain sight.

So take me to the dark side--
it's much safer than your harsh light.

Away goes the sun.
Away go the flowers.
And in comes the darkness.
And warm, salty showers.

The pains too deep.
I just can't sleep.
I feel the monsters as they creep.

Demons dancing.
Goblins prancing.
Nameless blobs won't stop laughing!

I did this!
I am why they all exist.
And with my mind they play and twist.

If there is a life after this--
One in which you could somehow
Look back upon the ones you left,
Observe by looking down--
If this world you can still see
Would you watch over me?

If in death your soul persists,
And your memories remain--
And you can recall your favorite color,
your favorite food, your name--
If you can remember who you use to be
Would you think of me?

If being dead, to the deceased,
Is just like a nap, except unending--
A swim through the subconscious
As the soul is ascending--
If you simply slip to sleep
Would you dream of me?

If dying means to stop existing--
No soul or ghost or whatever else--
One simply fades into nothing,
No resonating sense of one's self,
If you only persist in memories--false or true--
Would I remember you?

Hello friend, how have you been?
I don't think I'll ever see you again.
And I'm not sure if I ever want to.
Ask me again in a few years time.

I know it is because of you
That I am where I am.
It is because of you that I ever learned to swim.
It is because of you I learned how to survive.
But only because you left me there to die.

But you were young;
We both were young.
So I don't blame you.
I try not to.
And yet,
I still blame you a little bit.
Maybe a lot a bit.
I am ambivalent.

I am torn between
Thanking you for
What you did for me and
Hating you for
What you did to me.

But I have been thinking about you a lot lately.
Not of you, I guess.
I don't really remember you.
But of me.
I've been thinking of me
And what I use to be.

I have changed so much
Since you left;
Because you left.
Not in anyway you would notice.
I still act the same.
And look the same.
Still the socially awkward,
A little bit hefty,
Un-styled.
Perhaps I'm unaltered. Physically at least.
But I love myself.
And that makes all the difference.

But I am also more timid.
More sheepish and reluctant
To speak up, to say things, to try things.
And that's because you scared me.
And that fear, it scarred me.

I am not sure why you left.
I have an idea. A pretty good guess.
But I never asked and you never said.
And that question, the reason, it still hangs there
Between us.
Between all these miles.
Between all this time.

Did you know that this year,
This August,
It marks the sixth year?
We were only friends for five.
In the eleven years I've known you
I have been missing you,
Hating you,
You have been a somebody I use to know
Longer than you have ever been my friend.
And that seems significant.

But maybe my math is wrong.
Maybe I shouldn't stop counting in August.
Maybe I should stop in May.
Earlier? You tell me.
When did you really leave?
Either way, the fact remains.

And I don't hate you,
Not really.
Whoever you are now is not who you were.
And your decision,
Regardless of reason,
Left me for the better.

Eventually it did, at least,
But it took a long time.
And even now, even here,
Where and when I love myself,
I love my friends,
I love my life.
Even here, even now,
I still remember you.
I still bear the scars.
And I still wonder what was wrong with me.
Why don't I ever ask what was wrong with you?

I'll never ask you for the reason.
I'll never tell you how it felt.
Maybe you already know.
Maybe you don't.
I'll never ask even though it still haunts me,
Even though you're still haunting.
Because I know you couldn't tell me straight.
Just like I couldn't tell you straight.
I can't even tell myself straight.

There is no straight line between cause and effect;
No logical conclusion from all that has happened.
You are a reason I am where I am,
That I am who I am,
And I was who I was.
But not the only one.

It is a mash up of tragedies
And comedies
And dramas
And fantasies.
It's life.
And in the grand scheme, you won't matter.
What you did won't matter.

I'm sure it doesn't matter to you.
I don't think you think of me.
I don't think you have been counting the years,
The moments.
I don't think you've cried.
I don't think you have wondered what you might say
If we ever ran into each other.
I don't think you would know to apologize.

And if I never cross your mind,
If you don't think of me when making new friends,
When meeting new people,
Or when you read a new book
And really love it (even though it's stupid),
Or when you need someone to go to a midnight premier with you,
If you don't remember me,
If you don't remember you when we were us,
If you never wonder what if,
If you never cried about what happened,
Then I don't want your apology.
Because it would be empty.

Not because you don't mean it.
Maybe you would mean it.
Maybe you have had a lot of time to reflect.
Maybe you regret it.
Maybe you don't.
But if you haven't felt what I have felt,
If your life went on with no diversion,
Then any apology you might have to offer me
Would echo in the abyss of my what if,
While my forgiveness could never echo in yours.
Because you wouldn't have one.
And the lack of somewhere to put my forgiveness
Means the apology you gave to me never took up any space.
And it will just echo a few times,
Weakening as it bounces,
Until finally dying out
With no sign it was ever there.
Is that what I was to you? An echo?

And I am sure you don't imagine that the decision you made,
That decision to leave,
Could have ever had such a long lasting ripple.
That I would ever remember
Or fixate
Or cry about it
For this long.
I don't know why you are still on my mind.
I know that I want you gone.

I want to forget,
And to get over it.
For it to be something stupid
That happened when I was young.
Like losing a friend because we didn't have the same favorite color.
But six years later
I still remember.
It still hurts not knowing why.
And it is only within the last two years
That I no longer cry.

And, as much as I wish it didn't,
It matters.
As much as I wish I didn't,
I care.

And I have thought many times about what I would say
If I ever saw you standing there:
I would first try to hide,
But if you saw me I would smile.
Probably say hi.
And if you did nothing more than smile back,
If you didn't ask me how things were or how I've been,
I wouldn't ask you and just let you walk away.
The question. The reason.
Still hanging.

And if you did ask I would tell you,
But only the basic details,
Not any of the real meaning behind them.
And I would return with polite questions of my own
And we would part with kind words.
Just like nothing ever happened at all.
The question. The reason.
Still hanging.

And I would regret not doing
Or asking
Or saying anything more.
But I would also know that, if I could do it again,
I wouldn't change a thing.
There is nothing more I need
Or want
Or seek
From you.
I don't want the truth.
Not now.

Because I don't remember you.
You are just a face and a name I put to a change,
To a time in my life I cannot forget.
And who you are now
And who you were then,
It doesn't matter in my story.
Only what you did.

And this poem
Or this letter
Or whatever this has become,
It is not for you.
It is for me.
Because your memory persists
In all my rhymes and relationships.
You persist in all the books
And poems I read
And movies I see
And friends I meet.
I think of you and cry for you and write of you,
Even though I don't want to.
Because you represent my greatest fear:
Being rejected for all that I cannot change about myself.

You are a reason I am where I am,
That I am who I am now.
And I don't forgive you.
I don't think you need me to.
Though, I thank you anyhow.
But I hope I'll never see you again.
I hope you see me,
Happy and healthy and wonderful,
And regret, even just a little bit,
That you gave up any opportunity of knowing me,
Even just a little bit.

And if by some miracle,
Or disaster,
These words ever find you,
If you ever read this,
I am sure it will confuse you.
Because I am sure you do not remember as I do.
Or hurt as I do.
And that's why I hate you.
Or rather hate the idea of you.
Because you just walked away and left me to deal with the consequences.
My world was upended.
And six years later I am not okay.
What you did was not okay.

And I don't know how to end this.
I'm not sure if I have more to say.
Or if I have said too much.
Or if what I said is all meaningless anyway.
I don't wish you well,
But I don't wish you ill.
And though I still think about you
It is not really you I am thinking about.
You are a stranger now.
You have been for a long time.
And I feel for you just as I feel for any random stranger,
Perhaps even less,
Because I actively try to feel nothing at all.

So I'll say to you now what you never said.
Not sure why, but
There was an entire conversation we never had,
Though I know how it would have ended,
What I would have said if given the chance:
Goodbye.

If I could be happy,
I'm sure I'd be happy with you.

But I've been crying my heart out
for so long now,
I don't know how not to.

I never know where I'm going.
Not sure what I might say.
I wander through this world of rhyme
And somehow find my way.

It's no wonder many claimed
That muses gave them song,
For, after knowing my own methods,
How could I claim they're wrong?

Not every line is perfect.
Some verses need something more.
But each piece speaks to who I am--
What else could I ask for?

Emotion is not tangible--
But when The Poet speaks,
she stumbles upon sculptures of
the emotion that you seek.

Emotion is indescribable--
But in The Poet's lines,
it nestles up upon the words
and engulfs them in its tides.

Emotion is a fickle fiend:
unsure if friend or foe--
But when The Poet writes
it's as if they know.

Emotion and The Poet:
a conundrum to say the least.
Each tries to slay the other;
Each fuels the other's beast.

There's no laughter.
There's no pain.
I feel nothing--
except plain.
I don't want to smile.
I don't want to cry.
I'm nothing but empty
deep down inside.

You stay sweet
You stay kind
You stay with me—your memory—
Entombed inside my mind

You wander out there now
As someone I have never known
I wonder if inside your head
The ghost of who I use to be
Also roams

Destroyed. Distraught.
I've cried. A lot.
You're fine. I'm not.

They told you you're a white knight,
To take pride in your long sword.
Now you've mounted your noble stead
And it's me you're headed towards.

They told me I'm a damsel.
Made me feel distressed.
Then you came waltzing in,
Shiny armor on your chest.

You want to slay my dragon;
Stick it to the foe.
You think I'm waiting here for help,
But I'm screaming, "please just go!!"

My tower isn't lonely.
That dragon is my friend.
So desist your constant jabbing:
It's annoyance with no end.

Don't try and kiss me when I'm sleeping.
Keep your hands off of my feet.
I don't need your so called valor
To make my life complete.

And you, dear prince, don't need to charm me--
You are more than how you wield your weapon.
Fair maidens needn't be your quest--
They'll tell you different--the trick is not to let them.

I see the madness
Festering inside
I watch it unfolding
From where I reside
Not quite within
But not without
Just barely and torridly
Floating about

If I remain here
I'll be eaten alive
But if I flee
It'll eat me up inside

What pretty words you've sewn together.
What a lovely, fabricated masterpiece they create.
What a wondrous story, once cut and trimmed and edited,
This will someday make.

And when you've finished all the detailing,
May you let it lie here on the floor;
Perhaps somewhere in the foyer
To greet strangers at the door.

If love is for fools,
I want to be foolish.

Time is like water, for it’s always there.
It can slip through your fingers,
Or just into air.
In some places it's dense.
In others it's thin.
Not sure where it ends,
Or where it begins.
Sometimes it's nice.
Sometimes it *****.
You can have too little.
You can have too much.
Waters like time,
And time is like water,
The colder it is,
Both start to get harder.
And I’ll let you continue this rhyme:
How time is like water,
And water’s like time.

I sit on my bed
and just stare at the floor.
A car passes in the distance
but I hear nothing more.
My breathing is shallow--
my heart barely beats;
I dig in my mind
for the memories I keep.
Flashes of you
and what we once were
cross my thoughts
in heartbreaking blurs.
I remember us laughing
and talking
and planning:
Planning a future
that's no longer happening.
Forever, we promised,
but we were naive--
We had no concept
of what forever could mean.
For forever's
not measured:
It's no length of time.
It starts with "hello"
and ends with "goodbye."
Sometimes it's years.
And sometimes it's seconds.
We promised forever
and I know that I meant it.
Because I'll always remember
what we use to be:
what I said to you,
what you said to me.
Years from the moment
that you walked away
I'll still remember
the sorrow and pain.
I'll always remember
you and me together
because it changed me forever.
But I wish that it didn't
because you're so indifferent.
It's as though, for you,
we never made a commitment.
When I couldn't give you
what someone else could,
you walked out of my life
and you walked out for good.
Didn't ask for some space.
Didn't say, "hey," in the hall.
Just walked right on out
like I meant nothing at all.
So you couldn't have meant it
when you promised forever.
You treat me as though
we were never together.
And this hurts me so much--
I can't even describe
how my gut clenches and twists
when you’re on my mind.
Because I gave you a forever.
A forever I can't get back.
Because I died that day
that you left me like that.
I morphed and I changed
into somebody new;
From the ashes of us
a new person grew.
You took a forever
because I’ll never be
the person I was
before you hurt me.
And all the memories
that we made together
are tainted
and haunted
and will be forever.

I can’t help wondering
if he showed up suddenly
and walked right up to me
would I have anything to say?

Would he look on adoringly
when it ended so horribly?
Or is it only me
left feeling this way?