Baka sakali lang naman na alam ko ang tinutukoy mo
Nag-iba bigla ang sinasabi ng mga mata mo
Noong sinabi **** 'alam mo na yon'
Pasensya dahil hindi ko kayang kumonekta ng ganon kabilis
Natatakot pa akong magtanggal ng damit
Natatakot pa akong ipakita ang tunay na ako
Patawarin mo ang kahangalan ko

Siguro hanggang paghaplos
Hanggang pagkapit mo sa mga braso ko
At ang manaka-nakang paghawak mo sa mga pulso at kamay ko
Paghawak mo sa ulo ko at sabay ang paghaplos sa buhok ko,
At ang pagkawala ng mga 'to
Dahil madalas na ang pag-iwas mo sa mga mata ko.

Pero saglit,
May tradisyon pa tayong gaganapin
Magkasamang haharapin ang sakit
Saglit
Sana maabutan pa natin ang buwan na mahahaluan ng mga ngiti
At pagsambit
ng mga lihim
Sana interesado ka pa dahil ganon kabilis
nagbago ang isip
Walang wala sa bilis ng paglakad mo sa susunod na destinsyon
Bakit ganon kabilis?
Kaya saglit,
Ngayon lang ako magpapahintay kaya sana 'wag ka munang mainip.

"bakit ka ganyan mag-isip? hindi naman ako mawawala."
yan ang sabi mo sa akin noon
buti nalang hindi na ako naniwala
dahil kung sakali, hanggang ngayon ay magsisinungaling pa rin ako sa sarili ko
"patawad" lang ang naisagot ko
hindi ako perpektong tao kaya sana patawarin mo 'ko
hindi ko na binigyan ng isang segundo ang pag-iisip
dahil ang salitang ito
salitang nanghihingi ng kapatawaran mo
ay matagal-tagal nang nagkukubli sa'kin dito
ngunit bigyan mo ako ng kaunting panahon para magpaliwanag sayo
dahil sa pagkakataong ito lunod na ang sarili sa kasinungalingan
ng "patawad" noong simula palang
"patawad", dahil simula noong iniwas mo ang mga mata mo
noong akala ko ayos pa ang haligi na sinasandalan ko
hindi na ako naniwala
"patawad", dahil pagkatapos noong pagsisigawan natin
tumitig ka sa mata ko, alam kong patibong mo na naman 'to
kaya hindi na ako naniwala
"patawad", dahil sa tuwing sinasabi mo ang salitang "patawad"
halos hindi ko na maihulma sa utak ko ang ibig sabihin mo
kaya ni minsan hindi na ako naniwala sayo
at halos lahat ng salita na binibigkas ng labi mo
patawarin mo ako, dahil sa hangin ko nalang ibinabato
sa pagkakataong ito na nasabi ko na ang salitang "patawad"
sana patawarin mo ako
dahil hindi ko masabi ang lahat ng ito sayo
nais ko, pero ayokong sisihin mo ang 'yong sarili
ayokong isipin mo na ikaw ang nagkamali
pero sana pala binanggit ko nalang sa 'yo 'to
para ngayon hindi lang ako ang nahihirapan na bumitaw
dahil alam ko, matagal ka nang bumitaw
at akala mo ako ang nauna
pero hindi,
hindi, dahil hanggang ngayon nakakapit pa rin ako
alam ko ang totoo pero nakakapit pa rin ako.

Sinagot ako ng iling
Isang malaki at klarong paggalaw ng ulo pagilid
Hindi muna naisip magtanong kung bakit
O maisip man lang na inapakan niya ang hiling ng isang anak
na mabigyan ng pagtanggap

Itong pagtanggap, na sa kanya lang hinihingi

nakita mo ako noon na umiiyak
may nakawala na naman sa higpit ng aking paghawak
hinawakan mo ako noon sa balikat
nakita mo sa mga mata ko
wasak ang mundong kinatatayuan ko
ginawa **** dahilan ang pangyayaring 'yon
para bigyan ako ng pangalan sa buhay mo

Kinupkop mo ako.

pinasilong sa iyong payong
pinayungan mo ako nang akala **** naiiba ako
hinagkan mo ako
pinangalanang "tapat"
tinanggap ko ang alok **** payong
nananabik sa pagtanggap
pagtanggap
isang bagay na pinagkait ng mga kamay na nakawala

Nananabik ako.

kinilala mo ako
binasa na parang librong daladala mo araw araw
naging interesado sa kada buklat ng pahina

Naiintindihan mo na.

lubos ang saya nang makita kitang nagbabasa pa
nananabik akong matapos mo
kilalanin mo ako ng buo
itago sa kung saang lugar na wala nang makakaabot
bigyan mo ako ng rason.

ayan na, malapit ka na sa kabanata
kung saan bumitaw sila
tatlong pahina na, magtiyaga ka sana
dalawang pahina na lang, huminga ng malalim
isang pahina---

saglit, bakit hindi mo pa binubuklat sa huling pahina?

"magpapahinga muna", yan ang sinabi mo
ayos, para may lakas ka para harapin ang kabanata ko

Maghihintay ako
at naghihintay pa rin ako
nakatunganga ako sa labas ng kawalan
hinihintay ang pagbabalik mo
ilang beses ka nang nagpalakad lakad sa harap ko
hindi mo ba ako nakikita?
hindi ka na bumalik
hindi mo na sinubukang bumalik

wala ka pa nga sa kadiliman ko
hindi mo na kinaya ang kwento ko

Bakit balewala na sa akin ang pagkalunod?
Bakit sa tuwing nahihila pababa ng angkla'y nagpipigil na lang ng hininga?
Bakit tuwing nahuhulog ay hindi na sumusubok lumaban
At sa tuwing may kamay na kukuha pabalik ay pilit iniiwasan


Isang araw ay nagising
Nang 'di namamalayan ang mga luhang umaagos sa mga mata
Ganito pala sumagot ang sariling katawan
Na paulit ulit nagsasabing hindi na sapat ang paglimot
At di na rin sapat ang pagsisinungaling at pagpapaniwala sa sarili
Na ayos ka na
Dahil hindi pa naman talaga
At akala mo lang noon na handa ka nang bumagon ulit at magsimula

Kaya bumalik na sa himbing ng pagtulog hanggang sa makalimot muli

kinalimutan mo na kaya ako?
sa mga oras na nasa presensya ng bawat isa
naaalala mo rin kaya ang mga hangal na desisyong nagbuklod sating dalawa?

dahil ako, palagi.
sa tuwing nandiyan ay pinapauli-ulit
ang transisyon ng pagkawalay ng dalawang pinaglapit
sa pagkalimot ng isa
paulit-ulit nagsisimula sa umpisa
ani mo'y palabas sa sariling haraya

iniipit ako ngayon ng tahimik
ni walang imik sa pagitan nating dalawa
napagod na ang mga paang umakyat para lang matanaw
o magbigay ng senyas, nagdadasal na bigyang habag

napapangiti na lang sa mga gunita
dahil naaalala ang ilang beses na pagsuko at pagtayo namang muli
tulad ng paulit-ulit na pagtugtog
ng musikang nagpapaalala sayo

at muli kitang nasilayan,
tumingin ng walang pakundangan
walang makitang pagsisisi sa mga sulyap ng nakaraan
pumikit at nagkunwaring hindi ako muling nawalan

at hindi, hindi ako nawalan ng kamay na makakapitan
hindi isang kanlungan na una **** inalok noon sa ulan
naaalala pa noong handang handa kitang awitan
nawiwili ka sa himig ng aking kalungkutan

isang awit na sa akin ang una **** kinuha kasabay ng iyong pag-alis
isang kulay sa espektrong makitid
kasabay ng pagdiin sa mga naghihilom na sugat
at ang pag-apak sa araw na pasikat sa guhit-tagpuan

sa lahat ng iyong tinangay sa paglisan
maraming bubog ang iyong nakaligtaan
mga patalim na ilang taon nang iniiwasan
binigyan ng rason para limutin ang pag-asang kinapitan

Walang umagang gumising nang may bulaklak sa dibdib, tipong makulay at umaalingasaw ang bango. Ibang bulaklak ang nais, tipong puti at binulungan na ng mga panalangin na para sa akin at sa akin lang.

Ang alam ko lang ay yung gaano ako kabuo kapag katabi kita.O kapag kahit ilang kilometro ang layo natin sa isat isa pero nagpapalitan tayo ng mga salita. Binibigyan mo ako ng dahilan, hindi laging masaya pero nandiyan ka. Buti na lang nandiyan ka. At madalang lang sa tagal ng paghinga makaramdam ng ganito, medyo naiilang pa at pinipilit pang talikuran. Pero ngayon pa lang alam ko na, hanggang dito lang ako. Pero ngayon pa lang pinoproseso na ang pagtanggap dahil matagal tagal na rin naman akong naglalakad dito, tingin ko'y kaya pa naman. Hindi pa naman ngalay ang tuhod at paa. Kaya ko pa.

pakinggan mo ang ugong ng hangin
ni 'di mo alam kung tanging ikaw lang ang nakakarinig
mas maingay pa sa mga sigaw mo,
mas maingay pa sa mga dasal sa sansinukob
ngunit hindi ba iyon ang dahilan ng iyong pagbagsak
ang walang habas na pakikinig
sa mga boses na kayang tumagos dahil sa talim
bisa ng maiging paghasa ng iyong patalim

naaalala ko ang lamig ng tubig sa mga balikat natin
mga oras na tumigil ka sandali,
at sumuko
tinanong mo ako tungkol sa mga panaginip ko kagabi
sinusuklian mo ako palagi ng ngiti

My body is covered with tattoos

I made them with thoughts, ones I created with memories, ones that are considered permanent but bit by bit I manage to take them off. Ones that changed colors by the season I'm in. My body is covered with tattoos as well as scars. I managed to let go of the ones that wanted to take off, and ones that infected my being. Healing wasn't a pleasant place. I tell myself enough, but I couldnt help myself. ''Maybe this time, this one won't have to go.'' But I seal my scars with another one, and another, and another, and another, until my skin screamed, until my skin felt nothing.


I got bruises for not feeling

I am supposed to be happy. There are many reasons to be. But I guess I can never be satisfied and id still want more, even though I do not entirely know what I want. My heart feels so empty, that I hear the sound of my own heartbeat in the hollowness of its chambers. I grasp for air everytime because I feel my throat closing in. I'd get stomachaches and would want to ***** out everything that I am. Because I hate everything that I am, was, and became. Serenity is played in shows, movies and music, in people at the streets, walking alone but not feeling lonely, in colors, in everything that I can only watch but never touch and never become.


Imagine me having a heartbreak every single day I see you.

You walked past me looking at my eyes but never in too deep. My feelings are buried deep down, where I can't even dig. You are the love I never intend to have and the love I have always wanted. You took me to a whole new reality but left me there. I was screaming your name everytime my heart and body start to shake. You caused me all this pain but you were always innocent. I mistook your glances for longing, I was the one longing.


We take words and make it as romantic as it sounds

We put love in every bit of context or in some cases we force out love to take part of our whole being. That's how we live, survive and die. We write songs about the sky or the moon or the sun and make it seem like they are infatuated with the clouds. We make the wind sound like the humming of a broken hearted lover waiting to be salvaged by the knight. There was always a knight, who comes and saves us. Take us out of the black and white world we created for ourselves. We make this up for our loses. For our victories. For the ones that broke us. For the ones that mold us back. For ourselves.

You pour too much, honey
You can give some to your self
Your bones were not meant to be broken apart
And to be given away as a parting gift
and your heart isn’t gonna take itself to sleep
to give way for another heartbeat
to succeed in making more songs for life to be lived
you deserve someone like your self
your lungs collapsed when you breathe
for anyone who needs serenity
you turn your back to your own battles
you were afraid to go home
when home became just a place
and you don’t know what happens next
you tried to cry
but the rivers were enough for you to sleep, so why?
You tried to look at your path
But you carelessly joined a troubled soul
And you waited for the aftermath
You knew.
You live by faith
And how it would lead to a better fate
You,
You tried not to worry about your pain
Learned how to live and love and die in vain
You deserve someone like yourself.
And not someone who broke you apart
Not someone who decided you were too small
For the eyes to see
Never someone who rated your worth with your color and melody
You weren’t gray
Nor the gave the slightest hint of happy
You provided yourself as the safety net
You never had one for yourself.
So, you,
You deserve someone like yourself.

You called me sin. A natural-born sin, you say. Something unchangeable, indomitable evil.
But its okay, you say, we are all born sinners. That, your lying tongue and your shaky hands wandering through the things that arent yours as well as your lustful eyes, and those guns you carry around that screams the bullets through the heads of the innocent, these things you made balance on one side of the weighing scale with the sin of loving the same.
You say things about nurture and nature. Its nature, you say, and never nurture, therefore you are born w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶i̶t̶ no born as it. Im not the sinner, i am the sin.

I didn't want to be like her. I don't want to. I dont want to lose control. I don't want it to consume the life out of  me, if i still have one that's still decent enough to be ruined. And now that's all I'm thinking. But thinking further into it, i knew we werent the same. She was lost in the midst of a peace and empty ocean. She couldnt see any land. The kind of peace where silence was her loudest enemy and thats what drove her to the edge. Me, im in a river. Holding a row without a boat. I had the fine illusion that i could take control. And even when i knew, i went with the flow like a fool, trying, i wish i could say mindlessly, trying to get away from the water. There was a destination but it was not mine. It was a preset of how everything should be but its all a blur. It's assurance but a nightmare everytime i close my eyes. It never silenced my mind.

You said my words were synonyms for beautiful and my lines let you crossed boundaries. You said what i was making was art to be preserved. But, darling, my words arent from books, nor these tv shows, nor the fantasies of the real world. My words are a part of me and a piece of what you called ugly. These words were carved using the sharpness of the blades that once cut me. And how would i expect you to love me? My art is for the eyes of the ones who are brave enough to look at me.

so how are you supposed to love me?

The world is as cruel as you see it
You see, I lived a life of a beggar
Constantly wishing for anything right to land my hand
As it extends to the air and space in front of me

Nothing, when I wished for nothing I got exactly what I wanted
I reached out and, fate,
Fate is crueler than you think it is,
than you leaving me with uncertainty and leaving me

you see, fate has always been on the upper hand
no regrets and never thinks twice
now when it decided we fall apart.
We fell apart.

Harder than you thought it was
Concrete was concrete
I landed perfectly on it
Bones broken, thoughts disoriented and tears flowing

Acceptance.
Acceptance was harder than healing
It was more painful, aggravating
Wearing a flowery mask, a façade, a disguise

I need a sense of familiarity
One that could anchor my body to the ground
'cause things have been strange lately
And lately the faces and places register as strangers in my brain

Only the voices retained their familiarity,
convinced me that they are the only one to trust
'cause anyone that can hold me easily
Can let go just as fast

It feels like a lump on the throat,
the sensation of feeling everything and nothing at all.
This skin feels tighter than usual
or a little bit loose to let the cold in,
or thicker that the blades are incapable of digging in,
or wispy like the clouds.
No, my clouds are thunderheads
bring storms to my normal day,
screams the sound of dismay.
I long for the warmth,
yet cold air barges in
wrap up and supply tears for rain.

wala namang magtatanong
o maghahanap
normal naman na ika'y mawala
paminsan-minsan
sumasama ka sa dilim
pero kailan ka mananatili,
kailan ka hindi babalik?

You hated yourself because they said you weren't on the right track
That loving the same is a sin without redemption
You denied yourself of happiness and freedom,
Of acceptance,
Of how love can be of different forms
In different places, in different bodies
With that, you caged yourself with fear,
When you shouldn't have.

Today, you accepted that piece of yourself
You surrounded yourself with beautiful minds
You weren't following anyone's "right track"
But, still, you hate yourself for not trying hard enough.

TW//SUICIDE
I think about his death a lot. They said i should write when i feel things, write write, just write until all the feelings are passed onto the sheet. But that day, when i discovered, i didn't, i just couldn't. I was just paralyzed, looking at the screen of my laptop. I stared at the word. Suicide. He committed suicide. I don't know how he did it. I don't want to know. But he did.
I know we don't know each other personally but that really does not matter, that's not the point. I stood beside him, with all the others, fighting for the same cause, wearing the same color, shouting the same chants. I felt my surroundings, the colors inside the house, the sound of the fan, the lights flickering at my side, stopped. They all stopped. Altogether, they stopped being what they were and then nothing made sense.
I thought about his death today. Again.
No, not really about his death. Its about the moments right before it. Right before he decided to do it. I imagine his heart just sinking, or full of grief or maybe just hollow and empty. I imagine how helpless he was, how nothing could possibly save him, no, not now, not a single call or text, not a thing, it was all too late. I imagine him slowly but decidedly, surely, letting go of the delicate line of his life.
It's too noisy and just too loud. Imagine how enticed he was with the thought of quiet, of peace, of nothingness.

sa mga nakaraang araw at linggo, napakahirap maging mag-isa kasama lang ang sariling  mga hinuha at pagkakulong sa sariling kalungkutan.

i am fine
we were walking back
hearing all your worries, taking a second everytime you move your lips with an answer
you were worried about a boy carrying all his scars and delivering them to you
i was there, you dont have to retell
i stopped and took all my courage
maybe i could give mine too
you looked at me clueless
okay, you say
you proceed like you never heard me

all my life ive been told i wasnt important
that my problems are mine to keep
and hush now, the world isnt ready for that yet
how selfish am i to even speak of it
am i not satisfied with whats given to me?
do i really have to be that loud
c'mon, there are many out there that actually have their life on the line

why the **** are you crying?
your eyes told me that
and i never knew that a stare could deliver a message as loud as that
you add:
sorry, i just forgot that today is the day you die
that today you're pathetic enough to think that you need help
that today is the day you think its necessary for you to be selfish
because thats what you are

and im sorry you think im not worth it
i swear im trying to be
and with all your reasons you chose not to look at me
you just handed me a ten-month notice
and im sorry i forgot what day it is

Can i say—
your absence is a relief. Your lack of response gives me nothing but comfort and i know, i will not see your name pop up just yet 'cause how can you reply to "im sorry i can't take the risk to jump so i vanished" and to "i'm sorry i opened the door but no, i'm not inviting you in" or to "i'm sorry but i'm just here to say sorry (and have no intention of 'fixing' you)" because i don't think my broken bones can lift the tools any longer.
I say yet because almost always you pop right back the last minute, trying. I hope this time would be the last.