Lover,
I fear the sleep of death
where I dream,
but do not see your face

Lover,
I have not seen you
for two years

Lover!
I fear I am
already dead

I am on a diet
from sharp knives

I have been fasting
for about two months

Here is my clean
untouched wrists

But what if I got thirsty
for a drop of my blood?

What if I got hungry, and swallowed
all the knives in the kitchen drawer?

I heard you call my name in a dream
Did you need me, my love?

I stayed up all night
desperately crying your name  
Only to carve it into a poem

Won’t you come to me?
Lie to me my dear darling one,
but please do not leave me
in the darkness hungry for you

I beg of you,
my dear,
my light,
my first
and last poem

On a bleak midnight,
do come to me with
your ardent desires

I will give you my broken heart
to break again if you ask of me

Or at least light my last cigarette,
and set me free

My dear, I am writing you from the depths of my solitude, to ease your worried heart and mind. Loneliness has been gnawing at my terrified flesh as of late. Yet, my only wish is to remain alone. Unseen and untouched. I think this is pure joy, or the illusion of it. But I am content at this very moment. I promise.

You might think that I am slowly sinking. That I will soon reach the bottom of the ocean, and you fear it is too dark and solitary there. That I might not survive my own madness— not this time, not by myself. That I cannot swim nor do I intend to learn how to. That I willingly gave my body to Poseidon as a peace offering. That I finally made my peace— not with God, but with a god nonetheless. That I am all swallowed up. That I will not see you again. That I will die lamenting your forgotten smile. That Azrael, the angel of death, weeps over my doom. That I have died long ago—
But how can a corpse feel such emotions?
How do I tell my stubborn heart that it is not beating for you any longer?
How do I comfort my frantic soul by lulling it to an eternal sleep?
—And if so then tell me, my dearest one, don’t I deserve serenity, too? After burning for a decade, yearning for a safe haven. Do you think I finally deserve to rest?

What you see is before you
is a groaning animal that has
forgotten it used to be human

With flowing words,
simply seeking the pleasures of being,
and an immense love to pour

By god,
I could have sworn that
I have felt the joy of living once

But now, I cannot bare
the agonizing sound
of my beating heart

A drunken god has
spoke you into existence
A stolen diary that told you,
it’s a sin to return this body
even if its weak bones
couldn’t carry the weight
of your heavy heart

I know I can speak myself out of it
With a blade in my hand
standing on the edge of the stage,
I’ll wait for the Almighty to sober up
and watch me steal his role

After twenty years of rehearsal
I’ll play god,
lights will go off,
and curtains will close

Your followers will clap in awe
at my convincing performance

As I bow before them
As I fall before you

When I am alone,
I hear the sound of the woeful ocean
waves crashing inside my mind,
and a distant voice of a sailor
crying out for help underwater

He is sinking
slowly
inside the ship
along with his sadness

The sailor and I tried
to drown our sorrows,
but we sunk together in
an ocean of melancholy

She held a heart
tangled by sunflowers,
and a soul dipped in honey

Her voice is
like a soft prayer,
able to convert
an atheist to a priest

Her yellow gaze is the
meaning of happiness  

Her laugh could turn
a cloudy bleak morning
into a sunny melodic haven

I swear on sunflowers
and your eyes
For they’re the only two lovesome
things my eyes have seen and fell for

I never truly belonged to myself—
not even once
—ever since I met her.
I was hers to claim;
completely and painfully hers.
I began to disintegrate when
she no longer cared for me.
Every part of me she once traced
with her finger has crumbled.
Only her touch can mold me back together.

She wanted me to stay
with the living, and I obeyed.
I have the scars to prove it.
Look, darling, I am bleeding
and bumping full of life and desire.
Ask for me and you shall find me,
alive, hungry, and waiting for you.
Though it is my true wish to leave,
I will not disobey her command.
I am awaiting my punishment,
or reward for staying even after she left.
I wonder what my punishment would be
when she knows that I almost fell for another.
That I was someone else’s reason for staying.
That their breathing changed
the closer I got to their hungry flesh.
Even the deepest part of hell knows
that I still long for her impossible commands.
My knees are bleeding,
but I keep pleading for her words to posses me.

I’m accompanied
by two tonight,
agony and her
beloved insomnia

Nothing lives inside
me any longer  
Perhaps I orphaned
this heart of mine,
when I didn’t listen
to its desperate cries
in need for a shelter

Cursed with homesickness,  
an abysmal void grew within me
that’s where I found refuge

A silent lake of my torments,
her silhouette drowning
in a thing we once called Love

A constant state
of an unsatisfiable hunger for her,
whom the poets called longing

I’ve found that love tears me
like a papercut
sharp enough to draw blood

And I hold a heart
that’s been torn apart,
but it still beats over the
rhythm of your name

I have but you to love,
it is only you I dare
to want so violently

I am afraid of
my relentless
yearning for you

It sickens me
to want this much
and for so long

I have never wished for you
to turn into a memory that
only brings me great pain

There used to be butterflies
living inside my chest,

but they turned into bats
when it got dark

The bats fed on my blood,
and my chest was their cave

There used to be orchids
blooming,
flourishing,
above my ears and to my short hair

But now I am dead,
the weeping orchid bled

As it withered upon my grave,
and emitted the scent of death and I

Its decayed petals dropped,
like blood from cut veins

The corpse flower,
scentless bloom of death belongs

Who dares **** a child
by burning their yellow?

It shivers and weeps,
and in oblivion it sleeps

As a kid, I never dared to
have dreams of my own
It was prohibited,
amongst other things

When asked to make
a wish on my birthday,
I only wished for the
nights to stop coming

I grew thirty years older
when my pearl was
stolen by filthy hands  

All I was left with was
an unimaginable
fear of her piercing eyes

I prayed to a cruel god
with every fiber in me
For him to either save me,
or return this body of mine

I lost my self, purity,
and youth all in one night

I died before
I had the chance
to simply live

In a dream,
I kiss your hand because all my
longings were engraved in your palms

Because no tongue can speak
your secret language but mine

I gave you my last clementine
because I almost died when
I saw you cry for the first time

I wanted to be the one to peel it for you,
but I knew you would resent me if I did

And because of you, my teary eyed lover,
I struggle to understand
another’s language but yours

They reminded you
that you are still here,
still one with the livings,

and now you sleep
with a knife in hand
to feel safer from the ghosts
that perch on your bed

And later you will use that
knife ‘cause you will never
be safe from your ghostly self

And on a bleak morning you
will search your bed for that
knife with your scarred wrists

You see,
you have already swallowed that knife
after years of starvation, but you still
couldn’t satisfy your hunger  

It is now stuck in your throat
along with every lingering word
you buried inside your foreign heart,
and now it cuts from under your skin

And this is why you have no tears
And this is why you cannot sleep
And this is why you hate love

You teared yourself apart,
and forgot that you could heal

1.
The boy lived his
childhood inside a casket
His own private hellscape

His face was distorted
by the age of eighteen,
he wished to be unseen

2.
The son of a glorified painter,
an unused color on a palette
               faded and forgotten

He’s been dead
to his father
before he died

3.
At last,
his wish came true,
no one saw the similarity
between his distorted face
and a Picasso’s painting


4.
Drawing road maps on his skin
was his only consolation,
he chose the color red
to mark his missing path

Scars between his thighs
like hidden treasures
centuries deep
away from people’s sight

5.
Each morning,
he awoke with thousand faces
none of which are the one
he started out with

The boy who is now a man
grew restless of crashing into all
those foreign versions of himself
every time he drifted to sleep

6.
After seven years of insomnia,
he stopped measuring happiness
based on how many nights he slept
A funeral rose in his heart as he wept

He muttered the word
suffering
as if it were
a prayer
or a lullaby

7.
The man longs
to be a boy again,
he couldn’t endure
another day inside—

the claustrophobic casket

—his head

Lone firefly
slowly burning away
Every repetitive lullaby shall linger,  
the boy aimed for a long night’s sleep

Come and rest your
head upon my pillow,
and trace your fingers
along the tear stains

Now, close your eyes,
I will be waiting
for you in a dream

Come and lay your body
upon my empty bed,
and pour your
scent on its sheets

Whisper of your pain
and glee to my pillow,
and leave a lock of your
red-brown hair under it

Only then will I
be able to sleep,
and my eyes will
no longer weep

The chained ankles
are heavy and aching
with ****** bruises

The chained ankles
would rather break free

I will shatter my heart
before I break yours  

I will rip out my eyes
before I make yours cry

And I will always love you even when
your heart is no longer beating for mine

You die every night
while he’s fast asleep

You’ve said your goodbyes
to him
with every goodnight

And so in death,
you’ll rest your tormented soul

I am but a shattered
ashtray that once
belonged to a dead smoker

Hot summer breeze,
long sleeves, and
scars you cannot see

There is
a foul taste
in my mouth

A cave with circus
elephants in my chest

A sinking ship
in my stomach

A grieving cloud
in my tearful eyes

It is as though I
have died after you

What an exhausting year

My hungry heart torturing  
me with its violent desires

My trembling hands
aching for her warmth

My mind battling itself
trying to return from war

My depression,
a bloodthirsty dog,
and the nights keep coming

My soul, a wildfire
consuming everything,
leaving me with a lifetime of grief  

Yet I am still here
Shattered, but alive

I am feral lover
with a stubborn heart

It is true,
my love for you
is unwavering

But your absence pierced
this heart of mine
For eternity

Until dawn,
a cigarette ash
flew into her right eye

The cigarette remained alight
despite the flood of tears
streaming down her cheeks  

With such a hell
blazing inside her,
she put out fire with smoke

Solitude was her
only consolation,
and all she longed for

There is not a soul
that she yearns for,
but for hers to burn out

A wilting flower
that will never
feel spring’s warmth

The harsh winter is all it ever known,
in an unloving season
is how it leaves this world

I looked up at
the starry sky

A lone dying star
has greeted me,

and I promised that
I will see her soon

It hurts
to love you
like this

Without you knowing
how I ache for you

Stay
Please, stay,
and listen to a heart that
recites your name like a poem

Mother
was the first
to steal
my innocence

Death
will be my last
silent cry
to regain
my purity

Grief sleeps in my bed,
and I lay awake on the floor

She hides the sun
and spits in my coffee

I have known her only for five months,
but she has consumed me completely

She is me,
and I am my grief

Joy overcomes me
born out of agony

Still I am burning
underwater,
I cannot be saved

When my soul departs,
alone,
know that I am glad to go

I wish to exhale every painful memory,
and wash it away with my salty tears

But my tears had stopped
shedding when I learned
how to bleed instead of cry

Mother,
don’t fright when you
see my blood on the floor,
I was only crying

I wear a sweater no
matter the weather

It keeps me warm
and hides my shame

Sometimes I forget
what my arms look like,
but every time I try to look

I see only the scars that has
slowly healed but never faded,
and I am reminded of my pain

And so I wear a sweater no
matter how hot the weather

The thing about
a sunflower and I

Is the sunflower would
wither if the sun stopped
kissing her every morning

And just like the sunflower
needs the sun to flourish,

I need you near me
for I bloom by your kisses

And just like the sunflower
worships the morning sun,

I worship your
cold almond eyes

The sun rose early
to regain her warmth
with a kiss from her lover

In a filed of sunflowers,
only one worshiped
the sun’s burning desire

I admit, you are no longer my muse,
nor the subject of my growing pains

But who am I to write to,
if not to you?

No heart dares to hold
such tenderness as yours

And no other soul can
understand my lines,
but yours

So tell me, love,
what must I do?

I will heat the soup
you forgot to drink

After I kiss the space
between your eyebrows

I’m sorry for looking
like a stormy night
when you saw me tonight

I know, I know you didn’t notice  
the trail of blood you left behind
after we stopped speaking

I admit, I’m half glad
that you let me fade
with all my yearnings

You still exist in my dreams,
and for years I couldn’t escape
your gaze even with my eyes closed

I know, I know I can never have you
Even if you gently twist me in
your arms, and forget to let go

The distance between us doesn’t
bruise my heart any longer,
I’m already out of sight

But I still secretly pray for
all this dark water, and the two
of us simply speaking again

I cannot feel love
only the grief
it left me with

I am grieving
all-night long

1.
The seasons changed,
but he kept wearing a sweater
during the steamiest weather

He spoke in three languages,
but has only felt the word:
Melancholy,
and the joyous absence of it

He wondered who he would
be without his sweater,
and the word Melancholy

2.
He never uttered the word father
for it was heavy on his tongue
like heavy rain on a bleak midnight

His mother loved him dearly,
or ruined him and called it love

A man has fallen in love with him,
and he felt for the first time; the
warmth of equally returned love

His lover tore apart his heart, and
told him it was the final act of love

3.
After eleven years of insomnia,
he stopped measuring happiness
based on how many nights he slept
A funeral rose in his heart as he wept

He muttered the word:
Suffering
as if it were
a prayer
or a lullaby

4.
Drawing road maps on his skin
was his only consolation,
he chose the color red
to find his missing path

Scars between his thighs
like hidden treasures—
Centuries deep
away from people’s sight

5.
His new beloved was in
the shape of a knife,
they embraced and
the gushing blood
was his final act of love

To taste your tears of joy
To drink lavender tea poured from your mouth
To savor your lips after you have licked them
To wrap your curls around my neck till I suffocate
To melt into the scarlet of your cheeks

This is not a love letter,
I simply long for the forbidden parts
of you

“Show us your scars”
When they should’ve said shame  

“Point on where it hurts”
Yet they couldn’t find a cure

“Have you been thinking about death?”
Like my thoughts wander to anything else

“Just take this pill in the morning”
But I‘m up every morning

“You’re safe here”
I felt their eyes under my skin

“Have you assaulted anyone in your life?”
Can’t they see that I‘m the victim here

“Can we send you home without worrying?”
As if I can guarantee them my life,
as if I have a home

“Bring your mother with you in the next session”
But I’m in therapy because of her  

“Have you considered electroshock therapy?”
And now they want to cause me more trauma

“How many times have you attempted suicide?”
“Enough times to believe that I have already died” I said finally