A double handful of children you raised
Way back in the olden days
You made their clothes from flour sacks
Did work that'd break a strong man's back

Your husband kept a drink in hand
And gave away food to the band
Of children living down the street
When you could barely make ends meet

You were so talented musically
For any instrument you'd see
You only had to sit a while
And soon your music would cause smiles

You loved to dance the jitterbug
In the parade in the back of a truck
Though some said you were too old
You simply smiled and told them no

I always loved it when we'd fish
And it is my finest wish
To tell you great-grandmother dear
Though you are gone you are still here

The autumn winds are blowing fierce
They gust across my face
As I tiptoe through the woods
Beneath the leaves that fall
In a gentle rain

The cinnamon smell of loamy earth
Greets me with each step I take
As I tiptoe through the woods
Beneath the branches shaking loose
Leaves that have seen better days

The pop of mushrooms underfoot
Their fleshy insides I now see
As I tiptoe through the woods
Beneath the kamikaze leaves
That give themselves to the autumn breeze

I never knew what lonely was til I met you
How two people could be in the same room
Never touching
Barely breathing
Drowning in unsaid words
Substituting reality TV for reality

My love was not enough

And so I left and you claimed to be bereft

Until weeks later when you found:

A new maid
A new babysitter
A new chef
A new laundress
A new set of children

And I found things I'd forgotten I had:

Old joy
Old freedom
Old hope
Old confidence
Old dreams

Each made anew as I became myself again

When I first saw you
And you saw me too
Sparks of passion ignited my veins.

I looked in your eyes
And tried to disguise
The fact that my heart was riddled with pain.

For you had a girl
Who was your whole world
And all of my love was all in vain.

So I bided my time
And sipped on my wine
And silently prayed that one day

That you'd call it quits
And after the split
You would come to me and say

Well I like you baby
Do you think that maybe
We could spend a few lazy
Days alone?
Or maybe talk on the phone?

Cause girl you know
You drive me crazy.
You make my mind go
Fuzzy and hazy.
So tell me baby
Do you think maybe?

I held everything in my hands
Everything I needed
Everything I wanted
But you took it and left me empty
Saying I deserved more
But leaving me with less
Than I had before
I wish we'd never met.

I hate the way I
                             F
                               A
                                 L
                                   L
                                       in love
With a whisper
That LOOK

you know the one I mean

Always with the one I know will leave.

Is it really love that I crave
Or an excuse to wallow in my **misery?

Fallen leaves
herald the coming
into Spring's

Life

springs into
coming, the herald
leaves fallen

I've always liked gingers
But I've never met a ginger I liked until you.
Your flaming hair echoes my desire.

I rise from the ashes of what might have been
Lips rouged red
Heart half dead

My feelings for you confined to a pen
Locked up tight
Out of sight

I told you we could still be friends
I now see
It can't be

My love for you would just scare you again
Make you flee
Away from me

I want to be where the night hags scream
As they feed off the fears of man
I want to live where the nightmares are dreamed
And survey the scorched desert lands

I want to hide in the goblin's lair
Slipping out for a taste from the ***
Where he cooks the men who journey there
And feasts on them while they're hot

I want to fly through the midnight sky
With the vampires who feed
On unknowing victims from throats and thighs
I want to see them bleed

I want to live like it's All Hallow's Eve
Titillated all year by every scare
But since I can not I do things unseen
So, my dear friends, BEWARE

I'm not the one that walked away
I'm not the one that stole your smile
I'm not the one that broke your heart
I'm not her

I'm just the girl you met one day
I'm just the girl that stood by your side
I'm just the girl that fell in love
You're just the boy that said goodbye

Because I'm not her.

I'll drag you to hades to dwell with me
In the garden of Persephone.
We'll dine on her fruit so we shall be
Lost in each other for eternity.
Elysium shall hold no sway with us
We'd rather watch the sufferings of Tantalus
Souls crossing Acheron will provide
Our music, a tortured lullaby
Their lamentations won't put us to sleep
Nor will their groanings cause us to weep
But they'll fill us with fury rooted in lust
We'll lie down on blood soaked fields the color of rust
Then we'll journey through Asphodel
As we travel back to our home in hell
I with you and you with me
In the garden of Persephone

I am
Long hair and swinging hips
With natural pouty lips
A smile that hides my intellect
A piercing gaze you can't forget

I am
Long legs with large soft thighs
With yellow flecked eyes
The sweetest of your dreams
The nightmares that evoke screams

I am
The girl with the skull tattoo
Who wants more too
The bringer of your pain
Who only wants the same.

I am
She who died inside
Until you made me rise

Huddled in the shower
The hot spray mingling with my tears
As I gaze back
Through the shattered years
Trembling and shaking
I saw you today
I ran and hid
Tried to think you away
I thought I was fine
I thought I'd healed
Thought I'd recovered from
The power you used to wield
You stole my sanity
I was just a little girl
Who'd never had a father
When you entered my world
For eons you used me
You dragged me into hell
And when I escaped
I thought I'd get well
Almost two decades
Have came and gone
But today I discovered
My mind is still wrong

I used to judge love
By the words I was told.

But people deceive with their tongues.

I tried to judge love
By the way I was treated.

But people deceive with their actions as well.

So how should one judge love?

It's simple: you don't.

You just love with all your heart, mind, body and soul.
You hold on for the ride,
And hope against all hope

*That this time will be different.

Trying to jumpstart myself
To empty the emptiness inside me
Trying to jumpstart myself
My mind dismissing all that I hear and see
Trying to jumpstart myself
Feigning smiles and laughs and cheer
Trying to jumpstart myself
Though I'd much rather just not be here

I want to taste your smile
As I gaze deep into your eyes
And hold you close to me

Your velvet whisper in the night
As you serenade me from an ocean away
Banishes old hurts and slights
From the faded memories of long-gone days

Every morning when I arise
I just want to dream so I can join you there
And once again look in your eyes
As you tangle your hands in my hair

I'd rather have the kind of love
That grows organically
Not forced or rushed

I'd rather have the kind of love
That grows from a wealth
Of shared experiences
One hundred cups of coffee
One thousand laughs
Ten thousand smiles

I'd rather have the kind of love
That burns slowly
Continues to provide warmth
Gives off a steady light

I'd rather have the kind of love
That's built on substance

I'd rather have the kind of love that lasts

Luxurious deviance
Leather and lace
Mooonbeams and razors
Blood in a crystal vase
My demons are longing
To feel your embrace
To seize you to me
With my hands on your waist
Our paths intersect
I breathe in the taste
Your panic sets in
As the clouds lay to waste
The rays of the moon
And you behold my face
Shrouded in bloodlust
With no saving grace
Luxurious deviance
Leather and lace

I put on my old boots today
In the leather the sands of the desert ground in deep
I close my eyes and sigh as the taste
Brings back memories I'd rather not keep

Gunmetal black across my back
The crash of thunder, so I thought
But when the sky did not turn black
And weep with the tears that the thunder had wrought

And the sirens screamed
And they still invade dreams
And I fell to my knees
As I watched my friend bleed
On the scorching concrete

I became someone else
My family saw right away
But I've never told them
What happened that day

I keep it locked in
A payment for past sins
As I try to begin
Feeling normal again
But who knows when

Or if

Or how

To forget

I reached out to you across the gulf
Through the broken needle landscape
Of our love

You held my hand for just a while
While on your face an evil smile lurked
This was your chance

Your chance to visit back the hurt
No better time than when I'm down
Revenge tastes better with tears.

I know the place where the clouds collide
And the oars are lightning bolts
That you use to steer through the starry skies
When the milky way tide sends your cumulus boat
On a whirlwind through the night

I know the place where the moonbeams are carved
And then cast into the sky
To light your path on the nightscape sea
As you race through your nightmares
And drift though your dreams

I'm not myself when you're around
I sink back into old habits
You make me giggle like a teen
And I stutter and blush when I hear your name
Your voice sends shivers down my spine
Your hazel eyes like forest pools
Tiled with the falling leaves
Make my blood rush to my head
Your soft full lips were made to be pressed
Against mine with bruising strength
Your strong arms to crush me to you
In a hearted embrace
And I was made to live for you
My hair to curtain your face as we kiss
My nails to dig into your back
My yellowish eyes to hypnotize you
Into not feeling quite like yourself

I'm the kind of girl
That you won't miss right away
But I'm the kind of girl
That will make you wish you'd stayed

Because I'm the kind of girl
That gets inside your head
And I'm the kind of girl
You'll remember til you're dead

And you're the kind of boy
That thought he wanted more
You're the kind of boy
Who was scared of what was in store

And you're the kind of boy
Who was too blind to see
That with this kind of girl
We could have been a perfect we

But I'm not the kind of girl
To let a coward back in
I'm not the kind of girl
A few simple words can win

I am the kind of girl
That draws strength from the tears
And I'm the kind of girl
Who faces all her fears

So be the kind of boy
That isn't scared to care
So the next girl you fall for
Won't leave you standing there

There are times I feel like my brain has shattered into a million shards of ice
Reflecting the rainbows of the sun's light
Each color a memory that I can't shake free

And there are times I feel like the world is mine
Like every millisecond is a luxury of sights and sounds

Sleepless weeks alternating with weeks of sleep
The handful of pills never quite evening up the scale

Tortured dreams from which I wake screaming or paralyzed
Unable to do anything but fear

But even in the worst days I look back on my lifelong roller coaster ride and remember this:

You can't enjoy the ride if the track stays flat. If your car doesn't sink it can't rise

Ten years ago today, I gave birth to a beautiful angel. I loved her so much that I did the only thing possible to ensure she had a chance to be part of a loving family and not live in poverty: I turned to the couple who had cried every tear and laughed every laugh with me. I looked at the woman and saw my feelings reflected on her face. The joy, awe, fear, and even sympathy for me were plain to see. Suddenly my doubts lifted. I took a deep hitching breath and said, "Do you want to hold her, mom?" Her smile was radiant as she reached out and snuggled her close. It was and still is the very hardest thing I've ever done in my life....and while the sorrow is magnified today as I look back, I have no regrets. Only love and a deep sense of satisfaction that I gave my sweet girl the best thing I could have: a chance.

Don't tell me I'm beautiful.
Look deep into my soul, past my scars, and tell me I have a beautiful heart.

Don't tell me you want to make love to me.
Let me in the place your demons live and make me love you in spite of them.

Don't tell me you want to love me the rest of our lives.
Make me believe it's possible to build a life with you.

Don't tell me you love me.*
Show me in so many ways that there is no doubt in my mind and I just know it.

It don't take much to make me happy
'Cause I'm from the south
I just need some good soul food
To cram into my mouth

Or I can sit on the creek bank
With my best fishing pole
Casting my line expertly
Into my secret fishing hole

A moonlit hike into the woods
Will soothe my achin' soul
Them city folks don't understand
It's better than silver or gold

When Sunday rolls around it's time
To get myself dressed up
The laying of hands and speaking in tongues
Will come if the Spirit moves us

There's a glamour to the south
Like a work of art that's living
Even the poorest of the poor
Open their hearts and are giving

So call me a redneck or a hick
It doesn't matter to me
I'm proud to be a southern girl
There's no place I'd rather be

The teenage-me
In combat boots
Remembers the teenage  you
In your Sunday best

We were oh so young

You, I yearned to see
I peeked between suits
From behind pews
Til my eyes, on you could rest

And I prayed you'd see me too

One day you noticed me
Never knowing I was enjoying the fruits
Of a drug-hazed youth
You said you loved me best

Until the day you didn't

I stole your virginity
Never caring for your Christian roots
You finally saw the ruse
And you laid our love to rest

And I realized you only loved the idea of me

Death, sweet Death, beckons to me.
He is a lighthouse, warning most to avoid his realm
But He calls me by my name
He tells me to be dead is the greatest gift Life has to offer
And whispers of the secret joys of His hazy oblivion.

"Come my child and partake of my treasures," and
"Your troubles shall cease even as your spirit roams," are His entreaties.

At first His voice is as soft as the waves lapping at the shore
But as I ignore him his call becomes
louder
Louder
LOUDER
Than the squall of a maelstrom
Until He is all I hear

His voice dries up the Happiness fed by
Hope, who is a frightened dove.
And when Hope ceases to feed you in the morning and in the the evening, then
"Elijah, you are alone."

So

End Life to escape from Death.
Cast off your body and dwell with Him.
Death is the light in the lighthouse.
Choose that light
Choose darkness.

I know why the dolphins play
And laugh and squeal every day.
Look it up and you will see
They **** humans in the sea.

Deep in a cavern there lived a troll
Who coveted the light instead of gold
He lurked in the darkness behind the trees
Searching for light in all he could see
He thought that he'd discovered the light years ago
But his pixie girl said that she had to go
So this time he's waiting until he's sure
This time his light must have more to allure
Beauty and grace but mostly a soul
To bring the warmth of love to the troll
Each lady that passed he took to his lair
To see if more than her face was fair
But each one was lacking so after each pillage
He returned the vapid girls to their village
But one day a lady from a far away place
Walked by on the trail near his hiding place
He almost let her pass him by
Sure she'd be like the others he'd tried
But something inside forced his hand to reach out
He dragged her to his cave with a shout
She smiled because how could the troll know
That she'd been a troll not long ago
They talked and they laughed, the troll taking it slow
Deep inside he felt his heart start to glow
As he realized her elegance was partly a show
And that their hearts beat in perfect time with each other
Finally he took her as his lover
He felt himself going through a transformation
He no longer felt like his fate was damnation
He held the girl close and looked in her eyes
What he saw reflected was a surprise
No longer a troll, but a prince with red hair
He knew it was time to abandon his lair
The lady and prince emerged into the night
They walked hand in hand beneath the moonlight
He told her she'd saved him but she smiled and claimed
That he was the one who'd loosened her chains

There is a very secret place
That exists between day and night
If you're patient then some day
You may see the land of Twilight.

The gates to enter are so slight
If you see them it may seem
A trick of the sunset's light
A fairy's passing dream

So pay heed to the change of time
For lilac hues of coming night
Truly love to pantomime
The secret land of Twilight

You'll know when you've timed it right
For the spangled fairy wings
Will lend a softly shimmering light
To a host of other things

Pregnant dew drops standing by
Patiently awaiting night
Stars twinkling a lullaby
Before they take their dazzling flight

The creatures of the dark that bite
Are sharpening their pointy teeth
On the last of sunset's shards of light
Surveying what's beneath

Should the Moon, empress of this land
See you taking in these sights
She will take you by the hand
And lead you gently into night

And you'll wonder all your life
Was it real or just a dream
For in the secret land of Twilight
Things aren't ever as they seem.

My dear son
I pray you'll never know
How cruel this world can be
I pray your charm and dimpled smile
Will be your shield
I see these sweet kids just like you

On YouTube

Thinking the world is their friend
Being lured with kind words
Then beat down
Being invited to do the ice bucket challenge
Then doused with **** and ****
All they want is to belong
All they want is to be loved
To be on the inside for once
Instead of outside looking in
Sweet boy, I hope you'll never understand
What the other kids mean
When they call you *******
I hope you never cease to believe
They're laughing with you
Not at you
But more than that I pray
You'll be like the other kids someday
Able to communicate
Able to drive a car
Get a job
Go to college
Get married
But for now I'm grateful for each advance
And I pray that one day
I'll be worthy of you