The girl with many faces
While trying to embrace it
Took an unexpected turn
Looking for more to learn
Rough roads ahead
Even with the meds
Swerving left and right
Speeding into the night
A crash has yet to come
But the night is young
She tenses for the impact
Prepared she is to react
The hardest part is the time
It takes for events to unwind
Into something less abstract
But now the damage is contract

all the small things
add up to big things
i cant take this anymore
blow my brains right out the door
say it aint so
please don't let me go
dont wanna know
all time low
just wanna go
dont wanna show
feeling so low
cant let this go

The one job I loved
You took away from me
I shouldn't give you that power
But you've got me on my knee
Now every day is monotony
The light so far away
The amount the pain weighs
Trying to breath everyday
But water filling my lungs as I say
"This can't be the way"
I can't see a resolution
Sitting through electrocution
Of your words and your apology
I can see through the psychology
Lack of personal responsibility
You're pure juvenility
"I want to be friends"
But seeing your mistake gives you the bends
You can't have it both ways
That's the phrase that pays

Ive finally found some peace
The suffering seemingly ceased
These days have grown well
As I feel my chest swell
I bellow a song
It has been too long
I let it out low
It begins to slow
As I release the good feel
I bow and I kneel
I recognize this gift
A chance I could've missed

"If you're so good with words, then be a writer"
They said
"It'll be a good release for you"
They said
Sure, it's all fun and games until you actually crack open your chest and pour out whats inside on white pages, now stained forever with the black ink of the cruelty of one's own mind.

Where do you get off
saying such things so aloft
Things you don't deserve
words you didn't earn
Forcing feelings I cannot stand
This was never my plan
How could you be this way?
Twisted, such a poor display
of all we have been taught
who could've ever thought
We'd end up here
Feelings so severe
I can't go back.
panic attack.

Keep moving forward
Dont spiral toward
The magnet pulling slower
Yet forcefully more
Circling around
Yet to be found
Dutifully bound
To nothing profound
Whats got you kneeling
Is just you reeling
Counting the ceiling
From the boredom youre feeling

You can't ask them to stay
You had hoped they may
But you can't be surprised
This path was not advised
You'll walk it anyhow
For the here and now
Doesn't meet your needs
You wander through the weeds
And wonder where it leads
You begin to concede
That this just might be
A path built for one

This must be it
Welcome to the new year
The drinks were consumed
The plants were destroyed and the hor'deurves dismantled
I'm not smiling behind this fake veneer
I am often interrupted or completely ignored
But most of all I'm bored
I'm trying to find out if my words have any meaning
Lackluster and full of contempt when it always ends the same
Why won't you listen to me
Why did I come
Oh why did I come here
These humans all ****
I'd rather be home feeling violent and lonely
I'm not trying to sound so insincere
But the postcard that's taped to the freezer reads "wish you were here"
How I wish I could disappear

Often i am upset
That i cannot fall in love
But i guess
This avoids the stress of falling out of it
Are you tired of me yet?
I'm a little sick right now but i swear
When i'm ready i will fly us out of here

Often I am upset that I have fall in love because then I have the stress of falling out of it.
I wish that I could see a sign that'd it'll all be okay but for now I'll try to do it anyway
I know things will be alright but I also know that it's always gonna be a fight.
I can make a change here but I'm also aware that the unknown can create a little fear
Lately I've been so tired of being pulled around but I know that to this life I am sorely bound.

These days i used to know
They've all but come and go
These streets i used to roam
They all dont know me now
I made all new friends
With all new sidewalk ends
Spent days and nights
Learning all the new lights
After all I have done
I cant let myself shun
The hard work put
Into getting my foot
Started in a fresh direction.

To take this or to take that
To decide can be a fast track
To the better or the worse
To a blessing or to a curse
Which decision do I make?
How to know which path to take?

You’ve given no reason
For me to feel this way
But all reasons aside
You’re such a cliché
The cheerleader type
You run and you play
But I remember a time
Your type would betray
Your voice pitch is high
Your IQ count can’t match
I really can’t see why
You’re considered a catch
But maybe I’m petty
Or jealous, or insecure
I think I’m just ready
To be called particular
I don’t like your type
I don’t fancy to be friends
I don’t follow the hype
You give me the bends

A child shoved in an adults body
Craftsmanship pretty shoddy
Spirals plus games I cannot play
Atonements I could never pay
Alone but not yet still afraid
Being told I should have stayed
A cascade of regret and yet
I'm the threat

I had a night I had a day
I did one million stupid things
I said one billion foolish things
I'm not okay, I got a baseball bat beside my bed
To fight off what's inside my head
To fight off what's behind my meds
I'm lonely, lost in pain

Im okay
Im okay
Please believe me when I say
That I'm feeling just fine today
I'm okay
I'm okay
Not a care I could feign
Not a day
I won't say
I'm okay
It's what I'll say
Until the day
I pass away

What once came
easily
has avoided me
recently
what came
seamlessly
now comes
infrequently
I fight for it
greedily
it passes me by
speedily
I play
strategically
I struggle
repeatedly
I take what comes
gleefully
It moves past,
teasingly
The absence hits me
grievously
I walk this line
treacherously
I cry out
needlessly
This seeped into my life
lethally

Am I depressed or does love crush
Anyone who believes in it thus
Leaving lonely lovers in a state
Where we no longer believe in fate
It all seeps through so chemical
Nothing close to feeling ethical
To put people in this mental place
Feeling like theres no choice but embrace
That all you can do is chase or be chased
To finally settle down, personality erased

Roll outta bed, calls to answer
Make a cup of motivation
This is the standard
Meds, Shoes, Music, Trains
While each Morning passes the same
Gotta hold back the symptoms of strain
You can feel that
You've got lava in your veins
that tends to go and drive you insane
but the day goes on, it gets a lil easier
Suppressants in the brain
crashing like a meteor
Gotta take more just to get through the day
Dont have another choice
God knows I've tried every other way
Background music plays, a variety
of pieces of your soul,
creates anxiety
You've heard it all before, but it brings you back
You get to live a little bit in those flashbacks
of the good and the bad, but the past all the same
back to a time where things felt more tame
Halt
The train comes to a stop.
Its your turn to get up and get off
But before you finish your walk
you've got time to cough
before you step back into the world
where you're livestock

Boundaries drawn
Anger pawned
I'm ready for a new dawn
To try again
Not quite as friends
But attempting to mend
To paint over the pain
To release the maintained
Its time to start in a new lane
We are not friends
But we will try again
For his sake
We will take
The pain and throw it away

Say goodbye to all you knew
This includes your family, too
Starting fresh can sound so great
Up until you take the bait
But once you jump, you can’t un-leap
For your choices you must keep
This does not mean all is lost
Simply put, you’ve paid the cost
After all you’ve been through
Now its time to start anew
You left behind what you outgrew
So you could be with those that love you.

I have no home
I call my own
In this house
I am a mouse
Who cannot see
A place to be
Where she belongs
It is all wrong
I make a hole
It takes a toll
On the foundation
Of my creation

You say you dont know who you are
You rearing to leave us a scar
I still dont understand the way
You sulk through life each day
Not that im one to pass
But im getting quite crass
With the way you say
Nothing is better today

I trusted you and you wrecked
my dignity and respect
and now you just expect
me to forgive you
I'm not ready to be friends
We kinda skipped that step
and now I'm not sure I wanna go back
But you broke my heart
and that's just a start
of why I can't stand the sight of you
My secrets aren't safe with you
so how can you expect me to
Feel like we can ever be friends?

She is night and day
She will run and play
She is confused and lost
But she knows the cost
For when all is said and done
She is the only one
Who will give it her all
Even knowing she will fall
Because who’s to say
What’s beyond the archway
Of fear and love
Of what you’re free of
To be standing halfway
Between what you can and may
Is a lost path to walk
Don’t be so shocked
When you find it alone
You have always known
It would turn out this way

What do I think we are
Did I expect to see stars
Spining around both our heads
Forgetting the path that I fled
It all sounds so silly to me
Going back to such lived misery
How can I entertain my delight
At the thought of being under your spotlight
It all felt so decided, quite final
Like our last song on a vinyl
An album played ad nauseam
Swimming circles in stagnum
But a tale as old as time
The whimsy to rewind
In my attempt to create closure
I found the itch to flip our record over.

I see you, do you see me?
Trying to be the best I can be
Tore down my walls
Started a foundation new
Just to build a life with you
But rebuilding proves the hardest part
Luckily, I have the heart
Strengthened by your love and care
To build a life that we can share

Sometimes i wonder...
If the things i want are things i need
If these glasses really help me to see
If there was ever a need for a king and a queen
What its gonna take for my insides to beam
Most days I ask...
Am I considering all sides of the situation?
Am i the Frankenstein of this creation?
Could this be blamed on my medication?
Why am i filled with such frustration?
But typically I'm just left feeling...
Like the push and pull is uneven
Like someone is always leaving
Like its too broken to recieve again
Like theres gotta be something I can believe in.

He looks at me
What does he see?
There one second
Gone the next
Zero context
Like floaters in my eye
No need to be shy
I want to look at you
You’re nothing new
Hiding in the corners
I’m getting warmer
Meet my eyes
At least try
Mister Man I want to see you
I’ll hide in the shadows, too
You watch my every move
What do I have to prove
To let us make contact
Or are you just the abstract?

To make connection
such stark satisfaction
evades me these days
I try to make conversation
Fight my own evasion
no luck, to my dismay
Every day is a challenge
I work to scavenge
my strength, whittled away
I just need a friend
Someone to depend
Before I lose my way

She's not forcing anything on anyone.
You either value her when she's here,
Or miss her when she's gone.

And if you think loving her is hard,
Try forgetting her.

Stop the day, I want to get off
If you could see my face, you wouldn't scoff
Emotional discourse and violent pain
What I would do to start feeling sane
This is inhumane
I took your pills and slept and ate
I couldn't stop the coursing hate
The searing strings pull from my heart
Slowly tearing me apart
But freedom is so far away
And I cannot keep these tears at bay
With all these words I cannot say
while the mania gets to play
Nothing I do makes it sway
It's clung so tight to my chest
It's been so long since I could rest
I see no way out of this
as I fall down further into the abyss.
Man, I thought the depression was bad
I forgot all about the hold Bipolar had

This thing I must do
It is something new
I’m not pleased with it
Honestly, it makes me spit
But I must do what’s best
I must take this test
To be away from what I want most
To be torn from my dose
Of your attention and care
Oh, how is this fair?
My brain must come first
Such is this curse
The fight to think clearly
I want it so dearly
You’ve fogged my sight
Caused such delight
I’ve grown too attached
I must get unlatched
I will miss you so
But I must grow
Stronger for us
No need to fuss
It is only for a short while

I’m sorry for what lies ahead
You may wish you were dead
It’s a scary time to be alive
When its your turn to drive
But try not to forget
Those things you think you’ll regret
They’ll be stories for the old
Stories deserving to be told
In all of the madness,
Only you have the access
To find the shining moments
The hard to find bonus
That makes the hard days worthy
Of all the sadness and worry
So make this time your own
Before you get all grown

you gave me a list

then I cant resist

to say what I mean

when I say you cant lean

to one then another

direction or other

Flippity flop

You took a big hop

We both took a leap

but you let the thoughts seep

into distorted perceptions

and lack of reception

I couldn't resist

but you were amiss

and left me for dead

when you looked ahead

instead of staying in the present

you made it unpleasant

I asked for consent

You left me to lament

I gave up so much for you.
My love for my job.
My love for a lot of music.
My everyday sanity when I clock in.
Why.
Just so we could talk everyday.
So you could put a smile on my face when my phone went buzz.
When I logged in so I could see your little picture say "Good Morning, how are you today?"
The littlest things I wanted, I was so willing to give up big things.
I just wanted to send you a clip of this, a sample of that.
But in return, I paid the price.
Now your little picture drives me to the bottle.
Can't stand the idea of my name in your head.
Plotting ways to escape seeing your name everyday.
But there's no way out.
And it's all your fault.
Yet, you couldn't even handle the guilt.
Poor excuse for a man.
Yet, I miss you.

Midwest love affair
I bend when I am bored
Late night liquor blue
Will lead me to the floor.
Can we fake it?
Can we make believe?
I'm so full of love
It deeply sickens me.