It must be beautiful to not be jealous
To just feel happiness
And joy for others
Not that small pain
In your stomach
The little shocks
In your brain
The ache
In your heart

And sometimes
When I place my earbuds in
I don't hit play right away
I hesitate
Because in the silence
If I close my eyes
I swear I hear your laughter

If I linger in our favorite spots,
One day you'll find me.
The longer I stay,
I realize you're not coming.

Never will I learn
To stay away from fire
Aware that I will be burned
Yet still I crave its heat

So I cut my hair
And changed my barbells
Switched out my hoop
And bought new clothes
Rearranged my room
Changed shampoos
But still I feel the same

You've got an idea of what life is
What your life should be
It's always been there
Since you were 8
Creating the future with barbies and sims

You turn 15
Your view changes
You're gonna be cool parents
With tattoos and leniency
Married to the guy you just met
You're so in love

You turn 18 now
You decide you don't want this life
Or any life
If it's not the life you pictured
It can't be a happy one
So you pull away from all the things that made you happy

You just turned 28
Surrounded by friends
A decent job
You're smiling, laughing
Reminiscing even
Only remembering the good

My essence written down on paper
Ever so eloquently described,
Feelings I can always read later,
Written there forever this time.

A constant reminder of the love you once felt,
I can always go back and feel it,
Rereading them continues to make my heart melt,
But my soul knows this isn't realistic.

Ever so deeply that you were in love
But now you cannot feel the same,
I felt it, I'm READING it, I'll take all the blame!
Please,
             Come back to me again

Too much talking
Too much noise
Too much kissing
Too much touching
Too much laughing
Too much crying
Too much fighting
Too much typing
Too much calling
Too much singing

Our good days were good but our bad days were **** near catastrophic.

And still I look back
On the bad days
The ones with the fights
And the yelling
Cant forget the tears

And still I look back
On the good days
The ones with the love
And the affection
Can't forget the feeling

And still I look back
Before I met you
And my heart wasn't broken
Can't forget how you changed me

And still I look back
But do you?

Would the glass still have shattered had you not used it for wine?

Would the blanket still have caught fire had you not lit a cigarette?

Would your rent still be late had you not went to the casino?

Would I still have this pit in my stomach had you never said hello?

Your promises mean nothing
Your words the same
Not quite lies
But never truthful
I don't know how to play this game
You've got me beat
For once I'll say it
I surrender
You win

A green light
On a cold phone
Is the only way
I'll ever feel your presence

I'll write you a letter
That you'll never see,
I hope to feel better,
Go back to being me

I want to forget what I said
But I want to remember how it feels

Can you say my name one more time?
Softly, like the fog in the early morning
I just want to see if it still gives me goosebumps
Can you tell me my favorite color?
Quietly, like nighttime rain
I just want to remember how it felt to be remembered

You brought me flowers
But what does it mean?
I can ponder for hours
But I still want you to leave

And this wine is my favorite
I'm surprised you remembered,
I don't know what you expect of it
The man I once loved, you almost resembled

But you haven't been him for a long while
And I know you'll never be him again
Sure, these gestures make me smile
But to say I still love you would be pretend

My mother is stronger everyday
Or maybe she's always been
This way
And I'm just now paying attention.

Maybe I'm just now seeing her daily struggles
Understanding her pain
Past and present.

Just now noticing how having a baby
At 16
Changes you forever
Never knowing who she could have been.

Always knowing I ruined chances at her dreams
Not that she would ever say that
But I did.

Every day passing seeing her more tired than yesterday
Working constantly since I can remember
Always being the supporter.

Just now wondering if she ever wonders who will support her
Or how we will function
Without her.

We won't.
It took me 20 years to appreciate my mother
And I'll never take her for granted again.

You can't find love in the arms of someone who doesn't love you,

That didn't stop me from searching  
 all night.

I am not your property.
You do not own me.
I choose to stay.

At least that's what I tell myself.