I like to play music wherever I am,
I find it very grounding, my centering stand.
Even if mentally I'm drifting in the clouds,
Humming the tune, maybe singing out loud.

I like that for three minutes I feel something else,
Shuffle my playlist and the cards I’ve been dealt.
I could be angry or happy or sad,
These songs change my spirits, even just a tad.

A verse can hold me when no one is near,
A chorus can quiet what I don't want to hear.
Melodies mend what I can't fix alone,
Lyrics remind me my soul has a home.

So I play my songs to remember or forget,
To calm down my worries and ease my regret.
Music keeps me moving when I’m stuck in my head,
Breathing life into days that feel heavy as lead.

Better off now than I ever was
Better space, better place

Richer now than I ever was
Richer space, richer place

Safer now than I ever was
Safer space, safer place

Lonelier now than I ever was
Lonely space, lonely place

Ill watch the bees in the clover and my daughter play in the sand,
Ill play music with my friends and
bask in the sun-
I might even let myself have a little fun
But the moon will rise and
night will quiet
I'll reset my house and
my heart will riot
She wants to say things and
express her emotions,
while yes I too want to feel love-
I'm tired of drowning in it's oceans

Just a pen and a cap
Made perfectly for each other
Fitting together tightly
But the cap has been chewed on
And no longer fits

Always and never
at the same exact time,
infinitely wondering about you
in rhyme.

It's painful and numbing,
and soothes me to sleep
yet keeps me wide awake,
dry-eyed
until I weep.

A memory of nothing
that was everything to me-
such a little long time
amidst the grand scheme.

A golden ticket to rot in hell,
a barren fate
I'll accept very well.

An altering strand
in a web of conscience,
my previous beliefs
now all make me nauseous.

A single star
with no constellation,
believe it or not-
my soul’s favorite destination.

I wish it never happened,
but I’d do it again
just to reprioritize
the time we would spend.

It’s not quite missing,
and I wouldn’t call it an ache;
my heart is perfectly fine
until she starts to break.

But if I unknew you-
if you just stayed a dream-
I’d know I’d never have to deal
with the relieving pain of your leave.

Heart is racing, skin on fire
Jittering buzzing pacing cussing
Hair is wild, eyes look crazy
Shaking crying mumbling breathing
Face is wet, chest is pounding
Screaming running hiding sobbing

I climb mountains
Camping along the way
Taking my time
Planning the play

Sometimes its hours
Maybe even weeks
Stuck in one spot
Cloud gazing from sheets

Taking these breaks
Barely even deserved
Numb in many ways
Unable to find words

Then realization hits
And its the part that kills
I've been stalling all this time
Just to walk over hills

Lonely and craving the feel of touch,
The electricity from skin to skin,
The magnetic pull from eye contact,
The I love yous and I miss yous.

But it's a craving best left unfed
To be touched is to be vulnerable and the electricity shocks my brain, the I love yous and I miss yous make me feel insane,
To look at me too long is to pick apart my flaws, and at the end of the day I'm better alone after all.

Things move along
before I’ve made up my mind,
a railway over an ocean,
and I’m along for the ride.

Not quite willing,
but also not captive,
expected to go with the flow
and remain well-adapted.

Drivers impatient
and maps outdated,
planning my own route
is slow and underappreciated.

I’m ushered left
and shoved to the right,
an indecisive death-
but I float on alright.

I don’t know that I want
to be on this train,
but I’m already here,
I’m expected to stay.

Walking and talking
should be banned for me,
once I look up,
all new surroundings I see.

Am I the bad guy
for abandoning ship,
when I never said yes,
but I was complacent?

I've grown so cold
Your branches snap

I wish to embrace you
I don't like causing pain

But ice doesn't hug well
Nor a strong tree does it make

Depression is a thief of time,
whom I once called a friend,
I liked that she was predictable- and sometimes gave me an edge,
But she has been a tricky lover,
hard to get away from
I've spent too many years
hiding under my covers,
my time to leave her has come
See she makes my bed so appealing,
begs me to stay in the house,
but all my loved ones are leaving,
I don't want to be the forgotten mouse
When we scroll through old pictures,
my youthful eyes cause pain,
depression says I'll never be her again but I long to re-light that flame

What do you do when you don't
Want to break a heart
But the heart in question
Cant actually be broken
Its a facade
Created to break you
Over and over
Again

No, I never stay long
but you'll always know where I've been.
You'll hear my favorite song
and feel my presence within.

I've been so many new places,
an extensive list of things to do-
always leaving my traces,
Maybe one day you'll stand in my point of view.

Clover patches spawn on the outside
whenever I show up anew.
Do they remind you of times
when I've lied,
or all the silly dreams I confided in you?

I always seem to leave my mark,
flecks of green where they ought not be.
Bright neons light up the dark,
recentering some focus back to me.

Or maybe it's more of a haunting-
to be reminded of my soul,
to always be found is so daunting
when vanishing fully has been my goal.

What if I don’t want to be remembered?
I want to fade away in the void.
All evidence lost in the embers,
my sounds fading into background noise.

It’s not really me they hold close,
just a version that once was truth-
a humorously passionate nostalgic dose,
forgetting how I’m so uncouth.

I don’t want to be a good memory,
for those I’m trying to forget,
a snippet when I was the remedy
until I only made them upset.

Now I live in signs,
subtly in dreams,
even déjà vu at times-
things aren’t always as they seem.

If I am to be unforgettable,
if I must cross your mind,
I hope the thought is regrettable,
and slowly eats at you for a period of time.

To haunt is to be haunted,
and tortured I have been-
false futures, I’ve been taunted,
clearing caches within.

Never once have I destroyed a
pathway completely,
but this one must come down.
I’m drunk and rambling quite indiscreetly,
and your memory makes me frown.

I hope the thought of me spoils your day,
stirred up from a simple coffee -
looped in remembrance like
cursed decay,
and I the leading zombie.

I am so patient and funny and kind
And that's what you like,
A pretty girl with silly rhymes.
I can be funny and laid-back and free-
You love it so much,
Because that's all you can see.

The moment I know your feelings are more,
I start closing up, exposed on the floor.
Really it's backwards, the way my mind acts-
The less that you know, the more we interact.

When you learn secrets and more of my lore,
I start getting nervous, I start locking doors.
What if you find something you’ll never like?
My heart starts racing, I’m braced for a fight.

I almost can't breathe at the thought of you leaving,
I did it again- and now I’m pre-grieving.
It seems fun to fall when I'm up at the peak,
But I’m close to the ground now,
With a crash on repeat.

I pull back the moment it starts feeling good,
Sabotage sweetness- now misunderstood.
I look for red flags in a forest with no debris,
Inventing ghosts no one’s ever even seen.

I scan for signs you’re starting to sway,
Even when your actions beg me to stay.
Afraid of love that might go right,
So I dim all sparks before they light.

But it's all my mind-
It's not even real.
I have to leave the thoughts behind,
Break the hypnotic seal.

You aren't my past-
We haven't even yet said hello.
You look at me with interest,
But you remind me of letting go.

In the middle of an ordinary cornfield,
In an ordinary place,
Stands a small group of trees
Spared from agricultural fate.

Chosen by fairies–
Forever their glade,
Or spared by corporate greed,
Property line arguments man-made.

Whatever the reason,
It rests in the fog,
Magical as ever,
Eerie, a bit odd.

Yet it doesn’t look out of place,
It fits just right,
A hidden little wonder
Tucked away out of sight.

I hope there are fairies,
Or witches, or gnomes,
Living in that haven,
Their whimsical home.

I could write about castles and elves and fated love all night long but then I'd ignore all my chores and dream
the day gone
I can write these enemies into perfect lovers but where's my energy to fold these freshly washed quilted covers?
The slow burn ends when my pen hits the page but when I'm met with reality
all I feel is rage
And in my poetry I find escape but I'm just staring at my wall, and hitting my vape.

It’s small things that mean nothing
But say everything to me,
Because everything has a reason-
A meaning I just have to see.

I can’t let things be as they are,
No, nothing’s a simple coincidence.
You linger in my atmosphere;
Surely, that’s not an accident.

But why?
And what does it mean?
I’m presented with puzzles
But not all pieces are seen.

I wish I had never looked,
My thoughts no longer free,
Now my conscience is booked,
Chained to what it perceives.

I just can’t help myself,
I just had to know,
Now I’m drowning in questions-
When I should be letting it go.

Carefully removing posters from the wall
But the tape always catches
And rips at the edges,
Never careful enough

Once I wanted to be a party girl,
Now I just wanna be your girl.

There's an ache in my chest
That travels through my bones
I can't get any rest
I feel so alone

I feel like I could split open
Even bleed out on the floor
Would my eyes finally close then
Not feeling this pain anymore

I know it'll go away
I've felt this before
But it brings me so much shame
When I can't get off of the floor

Refuge to some,
A battlefield to others,
A chronically online
Midwest single mother-
Who loves to lay in the rain
And feel it on her skin
Enjoying all the storms outside,
Though they all come from within.

Is she a tornado?
Or maybe a meteor shower?
Beautiful in what she does-
not recognizing her power
Or maybe it's a fault,
To hide away in the in-between?
Participating in all activities while remaining completely unseen.

She glides right through your sky,
A pretty view for you-
Until she lands upon your ground
Destruction does ensue.
You thought she was just mesmerizing,
Easily made to bend,
If that's the kind of love you crave
You've picked the wrong girlfriend.

She puts things back together
At a slowed down lego pace,
And when she doesn't like the result?
Her progress completely erased.
So it's back to the drawing board,
Though she's never been good with paint.
Maybe some blame falls to you,
loving chaos but expecting a saint.

In a whirlpool of tears,
My head filled with pain,
my eyes are too heavy,
my heart begging for change
I'm not even hungry,
I'm full on emotions,
Every time my hair is dry
I'm pulled back to this ocean
I can't find a direction
unless I drown first,
worshipping chaos-
this must be my curse

I avoid my reflection,
can’t look at that woman too long.
The longer I lock eyes with her,
the more I find is wrong.

Maybe I’m over-critical,
but I hate how much she hides.
I can’t take her criticism,
and she’s terrible at goodbyes.

I know she tries hard,
Which just makes me feel worse.
She’s never been enough,
but you can’t live your life feeling cursed.

I avoid my reflection.
You see how fast I spiral—
I start with her nose,
then tear through her woes,
This hating disease must be viral.

To breathe but not explode,
A feeling a time bomb will never know.
Exposed without safety,
Of course I'm ******* crazy.
The panic is attacking,
A safe space I am lacking.
That's just her behavior,
Way too stubborn to accept a savior.
After the scene is said and done, there's no one left around- I'm the only one.

Temperature rising
I feel I can breathe
Express my emotions
Be happy, at ease

Every time I get closer
to my goal
I feel myself slipping further
into a hole,
I just want to be a success
But my bad side won't give it a rest.

If you hate me maybe
I'll stop wishing the stars
will guide us together again
So maybe I should just let you
think what you need to,
even if it means
killing us in
the end

I selfishly don't want you
to hate me, not even a little
bit, I can't expect you to wait it
out while I figure out my ****.
Why couldn't you have
just been meaner?
Why did I give
in to my
head?

When you wouldn't hear my words
I tried to show you with my actions,
You just stopped looking at me.

There's comfort in sinking
It can feel like a hug
Then it's suffocating,
just a little too snug

It starts in my shoulders
then down to my waist
I only wish I'd sink slower,
not with such haste

Breathless is easy
For next will be death
But fresh air on a new day?
New trials to be faced yet

But that's just existence
You live till you die
No one really warned me
just how much living
makes
you
cry

Words are magic, and pretty, and gold
They make you feel good, and timeless, less old
But words are just words, though pretty on paper,
And when action doesn't follow, you feel worse later

I hope someone can heal you,
I'm done trying.