I will remember how you kissed me*
is just a line from a song that I've
been listening to for hours wondering
if you've been listening too I wish you
wouldn't have made me miss you like
this- it's not normal for me to want to
be wanted and looked at like I matter
to someone..

There’s never any pausing with you.
You’re always asking me to do more things for you.

you're my best friend
the one I feel comfortable with
just being together, even in silence.

Yesterday
extremely
overwhelmed
she held me
crying a lot
let go of me
she leaves
more crying
******.

I know if I don't sleep soon
I won't wake up until late in the afternoon
but I can't stop thinking about you
and how you smiled at me
as the distance between us disappeared.
I know it won't be much longer,
but I miss you.
I miss watching you sing
and hugging you until a song was over.
I remember your heartbeat
and feeling nervous as you found mine.
I want to be close to you again.

I love being beside you
and seeing behind the screen.
Did you know, you make me
want to be the best person I can be?
I think that's really something.
How happy you make me.

My eye lashes are falling out
I never realized how often I pick at them,
Thinking something is in the way
It bothers me day after day

I used to get so many compliments
About how long and pretty they were
But now I see the tiny gaps
Where they've fallen out

It's hard for me to speak,
my heart is racing
and my stomach has
decided to disagree with me.
Then the tears fall endlessly.
I don't want to do anything.

My appetite is fading.
Is this normal?
I'm still debating.

The things you say annoy me.
Every word, destroys me.
My mind makes me hear negatively.
It's as if the voices are growing.

But you just don't believe me.
You say "depression isn't a reality."
But if you could hear my thoughts,
Would your opinions change?
What if I told you,
"I'm always walking in the rain."

Do I really have to commit for you to see my pain?
Do you not remember what anxiety did to me?
All those days that I came home crying,
Apparently you don't remember.
The blood that wouldn't stop pouring.
Sure, I told you a lie.
I told you it was an acciedent,
But it really wasn't.

I really care for you
and I know you do too.
Thanks to you,
I've become who I am.
You're not only my lover
you're my best friend.
I want to experience
so many things together.
I want to have something
that will be remembered,
I want to keep learning
and growing with you.
I love that when I least expect it,
we go through something new.
Nothing is never nothing,
when it's something with you.

When I look at the poems from my past,
Sometimes I smile.
Then I feel mad.
The age I was, becomes so apparent to me.

The younger version of me feels some kind of, well, something.
Each time I take a trip down memory lane
It's hard to not feel something when I remember the pain.

But when I look at the situation today,
After all that I've encountered...
Each stone I've flipped over, and
every waterfall I've checked behind,

I feel so mad at you.

Even the poems we wrote back and forth,
They're so childish, you reference cartoons.
I would have done anything for you,
You plucked me out of my broken world and threw me onto the rift.

I fell asleep at night telling myself stories about an empty apartment with a mattress.
It's so uncomfortable now to look back at.
The fact that you were the hope I had for my future.

It's not okay and I'll never stop thinking this way.

Why do I feel so sad?
Each time I turn over
I physically, feel more bad.
Once I get over it
and think I'm alright...
the next day comes.
Then I'm up all night.

Knowing there is a piece of you
always thinking of what could've been,
makes me feel this strange jealousy...
and I hate it.

Eyes burning as the tears fall down. They're almost acidic, they burn as they slip over my frown.

I don't want kids if this is what's in store for them:
depression, diseases, anxiety, emotionlessness, goodbyes, heartbreaks, bullies, stomach aches, pain, sorrow, tears, anger, even happiness can be cruel at times it can be worse than having a life threatening fever. But that
doesn't mean I don't want the good things for them:
goodnight sleep-tights, I love yous, first words, joy, exploring, going out as a family, not having to worry about abandonment or exporation dates
maybe someday the world will be a good enough place to have you here.
But right now all that I see are terrible things and not-meant-to-bes.

She lays there under her blankets...
and tries so hard to sleep.
But each time her phone lights up the room,
she feels how her heart leaps.

It yearns for him; his presence,
just a glimpse of his hand holding hers.
She just wants to hear his laugh again
and feel every word.

I want to unfold,
Stand and raise up
I'll stretch so far,
I'll touch the moon and sun.

Every star will fall,
Crashing through me
I'll never collapse again
I'll never feel the burning left by shame.

I'll expand into space's darkness
I'll know just how everything's connected
and feel I'm home once more,
and never hide my own galaxies.

I'll become space dust.

I just want to disappear sometimes.
shut the blinds, and roll over
until I can sleep no longer
I'm tired, of always worrying.

I wish I'd stop freaking out.

Isn't it sad
when the only person
you want to be near is
half way across the country
and they're tired of waiting
so they decide to come see
you because they'll be a tad
bit closer to you but you have
to go away on that particular day..
so now it's all over no more
I love you, goodnights..
"but I hope you're sleeping tight.."
no.. it's some kind of not-so-harsh
goodbye.. it's not beautiful either
it's a heart breaking kind of pain that
stays in a range of months to days.
So don't tell me you hope that I'm okay..
because I'm not going to be
not without you.

I lay here silently listening in the light for her to scream or possibly cry, during this time alone I realize how I may have sounded. Now I'm less frustrated, more sad. I didn't mean for what I said to sound bad. Today turned around quicker than I had expected. I haven't felt this bad in a while. I'm sorry.

I'm slowly cleansing content from my feeds
I'm so impressionable, it disgusts me
but I want to use it to my advantage
I know who I want to become,
So I'll only look at things related

You used to be the one who lifted me up, now you tend to break me down.

You're adorable in every way imaginable,
You've caught my eye and pulled me out-
From that blind, situation.
It's as if you intended to emancipate me-
From my fears.
You gave me a reason to not shed my tears.
It's almost like you can read my mind from-
The inside.
And it's so nice,
To feel like,
Someone understands,
My insights.

You act as if I've disgraced you in every way possible.
Little do you know,
I don't respect you,
I hate you.

Your upbeat soul broke through my shy walls and gave me a reason to sing again.

My eyes are stinging
I feel tired now,
Just let me lay down.
I want to be alone.
Do I really though?
I want to be held.
I'm fed up with myself.
I mess up everything,
Always.

Sinking deeper, and deeper.
Slowly floating under.
Fading away.
Please don't say those things again.
I don't want to hear them.
Don't you understand?
It kills me knowing..
That I hurt you.
I won't let it happen again.
Even if I hurt me in the process.

I don't want to be, just pixels on a screen.

Right now I'm
outside looking
up at the sky
and I'm tired
of trying to
rhyme all
the time
everyone's
always
butting
into my life
it's as if they
want me to
be upset all the time?
one day I'm happy
the next day I'm not
but you know what
never changes?
Their screams that
spout from hatred.
Whatever happened
to telling me I could
accomplish greatness?
Because I'm tired of
waiting and chasing
while I'm complaining
as I'm suffocating beneath
your demands ****
I wish I'd just stand-
up to you.

My heart is racing violently,
Yet I stay seated silently.
Please not now, anxiety.
I need to remain calm.
I lightly touch my temples,
I can't keep myself from gasping.
I look towards the door,
My eyes begin to sting.
A tear drops past my cheek.
**** this, I need to leave.
"Don't say such things."
I swear.
These emotions have me snared.
As I stare at the door in tears,
I finally run through it,
Down the hall; and stairs.
They put me through this.
The reason I'm so anxious,
Is simply because of you idiots.

About to sleep again...
Stress has gone to my head,
I'm tired and miss my friend.

I won't be sad,
because the miles aren't forever.

Whenever I feel sad, I blow things up in video game land.
Because everything and anything that I built there, can be rebuilt.
I can fix everything in the screen that I hurt or broke.
But I can't fix how you probably think what we had was just a joke.

Chores at 3:00 AM,
Thoughts breaking through my skin.
Don't do that **** to him.
He wouldn't embrace this either way.
So keep moving along, don't stay in place.
You know it'd happen anyways.
You're incapable of such things.
So, go back to cleaning.
Bubbly water splashes.
Plates break,
You cry as you take in your fate.
Emotions are ****** up.
Which is why you were meant to stay alone.

I'm not okay, without you here. I feel afraid, when you're not near. I miss you and the way your voice sends energy throughout my veins. Us being so far apart, leaves me in pain. As these few weeks turn into days I know that when I see you it'll all be worth it. For you, I'll endure it.

I wish the storm would hit already
I have prepared my mind for the
upcoming tears; my bed is ready
for the unsteady mentality that I'll
be faced to deal with once you're
gone. It's hard to accept that this
is my reality; waiting for you to
realise that I'm not worth paying
attention to- not worth wasting
the warmth of your love on.
I honestly don't want to sit in this
waiting room any longer the sad
thought of you leaving me- is a
thought that I cannot handle,
and I know that soon with this
struggle I will call you at least a
billion times but hang up before
you can answer simply because
I miss you but know you're
entertained with other things;
other people. I am not a constant
need in your life, you'd be just
fine without me but without you
I am unhappy; I am wilting.
My tactless talent to treat the ones
that I truly love has acted once
again after all if I wasn't as sad
I wouldn't be writing these
withering words when I'm
well aware that you love me.

Why am I not surprised...?
This, always happens to me..
Nothing ever works out.. with anyone.
Everyone always leaves.

And it'll never be the same.
Wake me up.. some other day!
When the rain stops pouring over me.
and the sun comes out for a while..

But of course that's too much to ask for,
I'm in another life,
Where you can't hurt me anymore,
But that doesn't stop this fight.

I'm breathing.
Hey, wait I think I'm breaking.
I'm over the edge just thinking,
What if this is unpleasing, to you

I hope it's not,
Because the thought makes me go into shock,
I use to be falling so hard for you,
but it seems lately I've been crying it through
and now things are clearing up just a bit,
but my eyes are still red and I just can't help it.

So, please tell me this
Did I really hurt you?
I hope that I didn't,
I'm just trying to get through.
Because honestly an apology is long overdue.

But of course it'd be mine,
The line that'll seem blind,
Did you see it or not,
I think that you may have skipped it.

There's a moment when you first wake up
when you don't remember anything
you're just awake.
In this moment you feel no pain, no worries
but as I wake up this morning
The first thought in my head is
I want to wake up next to him
Followed by sighs and turning around
I decide I'll sleep longer.

Last night I cried myself to sleep...
But tonight I'm filled with warmth
and hope to dream of you once more.