I'm driving off the cliff into the oceans of insanity

To have a soul so crushing it slips through the cracks of another
To ever touch a soul so deep that it drives you to insanity with beauty
To ever wake to see this soul, this bare soul will change you completely
To have a soul so crushing you feel everything
To ever touch a soul so deep that you could do nothing but fall into it
*To ever wake to see that this is the soul you're wearing with your eyes

I'm confusing me
I want things
But I know I don't deserve them so I don't allow myself to have it
I desire them so much
I doubt I will ever have it though
I confuse me so much
No wonder that's all I see

Slowly dying
Slowly crying
Slowly giving up without even trying

I'm slowly anticipating what everyone else is afraid of

I'm slowly crawling towards insanity
I'm slowly weeping for sanity

I'm slowly wishing for a solace


I'm slowly hoping for release
From this hell bent place that's corrupting my belief
I'm hoping when I get what I'm anticipating
*I'll be free

“I hope you go to heaven so that I'll never have to see you in hell!"
OR
“I would rather live in hell if it's never to see you again!"

Not only is it a disease that destroys your body
*It destroys your heart and soul as well

Because of me
Your heart is broken
I'm your world
And the skies have taken a token

I'm a world of pain
I'm tattered all over
With poverty and rain

I wish a rainbow would come through
If only this thing could conclude

Because of me
I cannot love
I cannot relax
And I cannot be loved

I'm not willing
My heart is locked
And time will tell
As it ticks on that clock

I should never trust you again
You wear two faces
And you wear two masks
I can't tell neither from the other
I don't know when you're real or when you're fake
But most of the time you're a faker
A bluffer
And a drama maker
And I don't want those things around me
But unfortunately I'm related to that thing for the rest of my life

I shall never cry
No matter who dies
No matter how hard the world shall break me
I shall never cry
No matter how many times my heart has been broken
No matter how much someone puts me down
I shall never cry*
*Just let my heart dry of tears and murk in misery

If there's one thing I know
This world is living backwards
And we're in the middle of it in its war

My mind is in-between
In-between hell and insanity
In-between heaven and solitude
My heart is in-between
In-between hoping and wanting
In-between sorrow and self punishment
My soul is in-between
In-between hell's cold fire and heaven's pure indifference
In-between my mind and my heart's in-betweens

I lost us
What never was us
What relationship we had was thinly faint
It was but a glance in the hallway
A half second of eye contact
You were the beautiful one
I the ugly one
You popular
And me invisible
It was inevitable
That we were born best friends
And die strangers
I thought you'd remember me
But instead you barely recall me when I try to say hello
I always overhear you and your friends call me weird
Strange
But when we were kids we swore to never part for more than a day
That promise broke into a million pieces
Not because of me
But because of us
We lost what never was and never will be

I wish this **** would end
This mass destruction
This mass corruption

I wish Pandora's box could be resealed
Not concealed
With rumors and lies

I wish that it would end
It's getting worse and worse
Pandora's box is blasting
The corruption is spreading and causing destruction
The terrible truth concealed With rumors and lies

I wish to grant my freedom with these bottle of pills
As I sit from the top of my prison hill

Make me disappear
Make me go away
Make me understand this brand new place
Make me fall in love and melt my misery
Make me never leave this scenery
Make me see without my eyes
Never spill those little white lies
Make destroying me look beautiful and destroy me with the most beautiful hurricane ever seen

I don't want love out of life anymore
I don't want anything out of life anymore
I just want to walk in the river of souls
*And let myself go

I stare at myself in the mirror a long time
Wondering why I'm here and not out living my prime
The girl under this make-up, lost and forgotten, she always wears this mask that covers her mass destruction
She destroyed herself to make herself feel loved
She starved herself
She purged herself of everything society saw bad
She covered up her insecurities with concealer and mascara
She put on a smile to cover her frown
She covered every bit of herself up and suffocated her slowly
Now the girl in the mirror, she's always remembered, but the girl under her body and personality mask is now lost and forgotten

I'm sitting at the edge of the cliff
Just watching
Just waiting
I'm sitting as the ocean throws itself against the rocks, spraying me
I wait
I wait for something
No
I wait for nothing

I'm sitting on the edge of the cliff
Sliding off the edge I'm gonna let this small nothing happen
I'm gonna have this small nothing be gone in a whisper*
*Just never miss me
Just never whimper

I can't give you all of me
I can't give you the part you want either
I can only give a bare minimum
And that's not worth anything
So I would rather have you hate me after loving me so that when I'm gone it's easier for you to get over me
*Or I would rather have you not fall in love with me at all

Hate is hate
It's a trap of fate
It's a thing that takes
And it takes everything
It corrupts the roots to the ends
It covers every thing with its hand
And it blatantly takes stand
Taking up every bit of light and love with its shadows of darkness

I think I'm faking it
Faking orgasums
Faking feelings
Faking being a good person
Why do I feel so fake?
I feel so confusing
I confuse even myself
Especially when I confess my fate to my heart
My heart still hopes, and I'm trying
Oh, so trying so hard to break it and grind it into dust
I feel fake
Everytime I don't say what I really think
I know how my words would crush hearts on the verge of tears
And I care enough not to let good hearts cry because of me
I still feel fake, I feel trapped, unfree
17 years a slave to society and counting
I wish I could run away, disappear
*But like a slave, I'm still bound in chains

Sitting on a bridge
Looking at the river water
The moonlight reflects onto my skin giving tonight a better lighting*
Falling in the river, the current pulls me under
I'm not afraid, but I find myself clutching at the water, my instincts kicking in
I get to the bottom
The necklace that slipped from me while the current pulled me down slowly flows down
I stop clutching
And I let the round silver locket fall into my hand
I see the picture of us and the word that's written *Forever

You stole my heart like it was gold
But really it was cold
And you dropped it before my coldness conquered your warmth
Before my darkness conquered your brightness
Slowly your light moved in and slowly my darkness consumed you
You lit up my world while yours was getting darker
Slowly my world turned to gold while yours turned to cold rugged iron
And when you left you took the world of gold with you
*You stole me like gold

I lie here staring at the ceiling
Thoughts flicker across my mind's eye clouding my world's eye
I imagine the person I want to be
I imagine everything
I even paint the pictures out on the ceiling
I see everything I want to be
I see the truth and the lies
I see how I feel inside

Then the outside world comes crashing in and pulls me back to reality
*To the reality I've always tried to escape endlessly

Too late to take back what you said
It's too late to win me back once you've lost me, or, maybe you never even had me
I never love easily
I think I can fake it
I guess I can since I fooled you for some time
In a way I did love you
And I can tell by the time you gave me how much you loved me and how this was going to end
We dragged it on
Well, mostly I dragged it on
Not wanting to be single, alone, or lonely when I felt even more alone and lonely with you
I was confused and my mind still young and dazed
I didn't know why I was staying with you at first
Cause the first time I thought about breaking up you got shot
Then the second time your sister got shot
The third time I actually tried you talked me out of leaving
The final time I told it like it was, because I could no longer take it
I could no longer take feeling like the last thing you ever cared about and I just broke up with you
You didn't say anything
And of course I regretted it for a couple of days, but then I just stopped caring and moved on
Eight months I wasted with you
You said you loved me
But I can honestly say that that was never true
And I can be truthful and say
*I don't think I ever loved you too

I sometimes miss what I never had
I sometimes feel what I've never been through
I sometimes think so much I feel like screaming till my lungs clasp
I sometimes don't feel things at all
I sometimes just don't care but I pretend to for others
I sometimes think I'm too extraordinary
I sometimes wish I were more normal
I sometimes can be stupid and ashamed
I sometimes can be annoying and intruding
I sometimes can be many things and nothing
I sometimes think of all the answers to the questions left unanswered
I sometimes wish I were wiser
I sometimes make mistakes because I'm ******* human
I do so much things sometimes
Wanna go out sometime?

My weaknesses are many
My mind is my strength and weakness
My every breath has me thinking, reeling
At the facts of life
My weakness is depression and oddly, it's my strength
It taught me how cruel life is
Even in its time of beauty there's something ugly behind it, and you see it eventually
My weakness is my mind because, it tricked me into thinking I'm ok, that I'm fine and dandy
Then when my focus slips, when it's quiet, or when I'm alone it torments me with imaginary images that never seem to go away and I fall deeper into darkness, into abyss and it makes me think it's home, it makes me think it's what I deserve
Alone
In a hollow shell of a home
And the funny thing is, is that it's making me learn to accept it

Please be the wick to my flame
Or I just might burn out in shame
Please be the passion of my fire
Or my poetry might make me a liar
Please be my ink and paper
Or my fire just might waver
Please become part of my solace
And I'll be your palace
And you'll be the wick to my flame
Not to burn out in shame
But to make a fire of eternal oneness

I'll let it flow
I'll let it stream from my heart to my pen
Scratching against the paper vigorously
I create beautiful art out of words
I create a beautiful picture in a thousand eyes
I create a beautiful or terrible feeling in a million hearts
I can break or fix a heart with one line
Mend a soul with two lines
And revive a spirit with three lines
I can do this only until the last word is written and read

Ladies and gentleman skinny and scout
I'll tell you a tale I know nothing about
The admission is free so pay at the door
Now pull out a chair and sit on the floor

On one bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other

The blind man came to see fair play
The mute man came to shout hooray
The deaf policeman heard the noise
And came to stop those two dead boys

He lived on the corner in the middle of the block
In a two story house on a vacant lot
A man with no legs came walking by
And kicked the lawman in his thigh

He crashed through a wall without making a sound
Into a dry creek bed and suddenly drowned
A long black hearse came to cart him away
But he ran for his life and is still gone today

I watched from the corner of the table
The only eyewitness to facts of my fable
If you doubt my lies are true
Just ask the blind man, he saw it too

I want to express what I mean when I say I love you, but there aren't enough words to express this need to love you

Nonexistent you
You make me want to see the next day
You make me love every minute of life
You make my heart feel lighter
You remind me how dark I am
You make me want to open up to love and life

Just like you're nonexistent, these feelings are too

I can't just lay here like you did not break my heart to pieces
I can't let these tears stream down my face like they mean nothing
I can't let these tears be the reward you get for breaking me
I can't let you know you ever had my heart to break or that you haunt my soul with the ghost you left behind of yourself
I can't let these tears fall
Can't let the reason this blood is falling be you
I will just act like I never loved you to keep the tears in and banish your ghost away every single day

I almost feel vulnerable around you
Your warm arms wrapped around me and your face snuggled in my neck
I feel your every breath, I feel your every heart beat
I hear the whispers you make when you dream
Ironically whenever you're asleep I have the courage to talk to you and when you're awake my words cower on my tongue
I don't want you to know
I don't want you to know the part of me that's hidden
I just want you to hold me, and make me feel vulnerable and loved forever

You don't know how lucky you are*
You're innocent from the terrible things I've been through
You're the ******* cheerleader
And I'm the ******* freak
You fell in love with a creature incapable of loving back fully
And I fell in love with a fragile fairy so trusting
Here we go again
Into a story told a thousand times
Into a poem told with a thousand rhymes
Here I go again breaking another heart
Here I go again tearing my soul apart
For something I think I deserve I make myself incapable of loving myself or another

Oh, you think you know me?

Do you know what I think about and struggle with daily?
Do you know what truly lies in my heart?
Do you know how I think of myself?
Do you know the terrible things I wish I could do to myself?
Do you know my hopes and dreams?
My disappointments?
Do you know why I'm depressed?
*Sorry, but you don't know me

I hope you ******* die
I hope someone rips your heart out like you did mine
I hope you ******* cry
And spill ****** tears like I did that night
And I'll spit on your ******* grave and move on to the next who made me feel this way
I will walk the **** away when you're on your knees begging me to stay
I hope someone kills your heart like you did mine
I hope they taste the ****** tears that you left behind
I will lay a flower on your grave
It will be dead
Like our relationship
And more like your empty soul beyond this pain

Never again will I say it
Never again will I put myself in bars and chains
Never will I ever let others disappoint me
Never will I completely trust again
*And I just lied to myself again

There will always be someone who's greedy
Who will do wrong just to fill it
Greed can never be filled, it can never be satisfied or sated
It will always be a gapping neverendding hole that demands to be filled with empty things
Greed will take anything
Money, drugs, ***, power
Anything
It won't ever be filled
No matter how much you give
It will always take up everything
*It will even take your soul

Stay a little longer
You can cry and wrap your arms around me as I hold you in mine
After you're done tell me your life's story under the night's stars
And wait for the earth to turn the day's sun towards us again
You can't stay forever
But you can stay a little longer
You can be away from your troubles,
your insecurities,
your pain,
your everything
And just be comfortable being you with me
Let me into the real you
Just for a little longer
In your heart and in your soul
Just let me stay a little longer
And I'll let you stay in mines a little longer too

What can I say when I've only set these words to ink for you?
What can I sing when I only use this voice for you?
Why do you play my body like music using my heart for strings?
Why do you dry my ink by blowing on it gently?
What can I do to prove I'm yours?
What can you do to prove you're mine?
Kiss me
Kiss me in front of everyone and I'll share every bit of my soul that I can to you while you share yours with me
What can I play to show you how I feel?
What can I say to describe how I feel for you?
I do and don't know what to say or do
*Not when I'm around you

Have you ever felt like breaking down, pull your hair out and scream?
Have you ever almost fell apart at the seams?
Have you ever felt like clawing your eyes out so that you could no longer see that nightmare again?
Have you ever felt like crawling out of your skin so that when someone touches you you won't flashback to it again?
Have you ever ran away from love, cause you were scared to love and trust another again?
Have you ever felt like setting fire to your brain with alcohol and drugs just to numb the straining pain?
Have you ever broke your own heart by breaking someone else's heart too?
Have you ever sliced or burned your skin, or choked yourself to help your emotional and mental pain go away?
Have you ever regretted living just for everyone else?

Well, I have.
I have felt that way
I have ran away cause I was scared
I have wanted to
I have broken my heart by breaking someone else's
I have to everything I've asked

*And I always get the overwhelming feeling that no one feels the same
And that everyone has left me in the corner for me to fall upon the brink of insanity

When will I ever be enough?
Do I have to starve and purge myself of everything?
Does my waist have to fit into your inches of perfection?
Does my hair have to fit into your length of shine?
Does my anything have to fit into your definition of perfect?
No. None of it does
In fact, if you don't like it it's not my fault or problem
*You don't have to look at me
And no one is making you

I had an epiphany
It was so strange
I was looking at everything in a different way
Nothing was wrong with me!
I suddenly realized
There's something wrong with everyone else, not I!
I still may not be beautiful or perfect or anything
But I do know that there isn't a ****** thing wrong with me
I figured it out, and nearly gone insane
But it numbed me instead of exploding my sanity
I felt everything and nothing
My mind was moving and wondering the same things
The answers unknown
The questions never asked
Nothing made sense, because people's brains are dead
*They would say I'm insane for everything in my head

I have a secret, don't you ever share it
I have a secret and I can barely bare it
I don't say it out loud
Don't let it whisper from your lips
Don't let it slip
Don't let it fall like the rain you set fire to
Don't have it leave like the person who abandoned you
Don't even think it
Don't even blink those tears into existence
Don't do anything
Just like society does everything

I am ashamed to be human in this world today

Life feels so **** long
But it's so ******* short

Am I the only one here?
Did I make everyone disappear?
Did my ear splitting scream deafen your ear?
I'll scream till my voice is gone
I'll leave when the forces are on
When will I be cheered on for my common senses?
Can you listen?
Cause I want you to repeat this

Letting go of a flower petal
And the wind picking it up for a ride to the unknown
Feeling something in your heart as you realize a flower petal has so much more freedom than you do
It can be who it is without a care while you can't
And flowers are loved for it while you aren't

You stand there wishing for a second, for a mere second you wish you were that flower petal
Then you look down then around and walk away, maybe still wishing you were that flower petal or maybe having it change you forever

Love is painful
Real love is where you choose to go through that pain for someone and that someone does the same for you
And you both try your hardest to make the pain go away in each other

My confusion troubles me
My wondering depresses me
And my knowledge grows heavily
And the icing on that cake is everything I hate about me