It's the fraying nerves listening to passing sirens at three am
a long day spent distracted by the ringing in your ears
the hum of of your heartbeat like an alarm bell when you need sleep
drowning when you just want a moment of peace

A persistent companion,
darling anxiety

I feel like crawling out of my skin
in this unseasonably warm weather
summer night hazes in mid-October
t-shirts and aircon
and everything else that feels wrong
for where we should be
and how far this year’s gone

You make me nervous in the best way
I'm crazy about you
But I know I'm not supposed to say

We could be best friends
Stay up all night to talk about everything
From string theory to your first ever heartbreak

And it's not romantic in a traditional sense
But there are a million things I want you to know about me
And stories I want to hear you tell

We could take a walk around our home towns through memories
And baggage we try to block out

I could let you in as if it doesn't terrify me
That someone could see all the broken parts
Faded bruises and history

Maybe I could be fragile and you'd still be kind
But it doesn't matter because we never really put our hearts on the line

It's just a small break from reality
A simple little victory

I'm just a shell

Made up of components that sound pleasing to the ears

Sweet words scribbled on napkins in cafes
Fleeting memories in photographs hidden away

Small enough to keep in your back pocket

Small enough to disappear

Never one to stick around
No reason to stay

Is love ping pong text conversations
fizzling out with a ghost

Swiping right on generic holiday photos
of someone who you'll know for a Friday night
forgotten by the long drive home

Waiting on a response
that'll never come lost somewhere in the postal system
and politics of blue tick marks

What happened to wondering what we'd done right to have met on the central line
as if for once the universe had aligned
under stars and city lights

What happened to being so smitten it hurt
on the back streets walking home
when it felt like you'd never let go

Your voice on the other side of the line
at three am because you realised I was the one
and I just had to know

You were my entire night sky
Now I drive home in the dark without looking up

The songs that reminded me of you still play on the radio
But I don't think of that summer in the city when I hear them anymore

I fell in love again
And I want to tell you I hate it because it's not the same
It never could be

Seasons change and so did we
I'm better now in some ways but without you feels worse

And I wonder if you feel the same

Tell people that I broke your heart
that I never loved you,
not really
not properly
not in the way you needed

Tell people I left you high and dry
that I could have stayed
that I could have tried

Tell people you were right
but I hope you can’t sleep at night

Tell people what you need to
but I hope the memories never leave your side

Tell people the lies you tell yourself
but I hope the regrets eat you up inside

I wish I could wax lyrical about you
like I used to
write sonnets about the constellations
above the corner of Hyde Park
where we first met
the ground shaking beneath our feet
and my wine drunk honesty
as if we haven’t aged by a decade of disappointment
waiting on the same lies we tell eachother
falling out of love one letter at a time

We used to lay by the window looking up at the stars
pressed together on a tiny single bed
listening to the people walking around upstairs
talking about the dreams we had when we were sixteen
and how much the world had changed since then

I used to know everything about you
like you were the back of my hand
just another part of me I couldn't live without
but now I drink the coffee you like and forget the colour of your eyes
and the way your voice sounded when you told me you loved me for the first time

We talk about the weather and our families
pretending we aren't complete strangers
who used to share a love story we thought we'd be telling forever
and maybe it'll hurt less with passing time
that the promises we made turned into lies

I'll never be 21 with anyone else

There will be no other voice on the other end of the phone after that time I got fired
or holding me close after I tanked that exam about the history of the European Union

No one else will be the first person I fell in love with
or the first to let me down

We had our highs
and more than lows than I can count
but it was something spectacular for the years we had

I still think of you every October and the day we first met
How much things have changed

How you're one thing I don't regret

Do you ever wonder what will be left when we're gone?

Will it be the meeting invites
The spreadsheet that are the final final final draft

The days leaving home in the dark
And returning when it's even darker

Time away from the people we love
The things we want
Ideas of who we'd rather be

Are our lives just passing deadlines?

An endless cycle of things to circle back on
To put a pin in
And take offline

Are we anything but idling as the days pass us by?

Listening to love songs feels okay these days
No wistful wondering what went wrong
No hangover from waiting to move on

Long gone are the broken memories
of first kisses and that very last fight
Rings on the kitchen table, boxes by the door, suitcases and all

Dust gathers on the photo albums
The love notes faded and folded away
but the words still remain
Etched into jewellery with all the dates

Somehow it feels ok
Learning to let go
Learning to live in a whole new headspace

Thinking about you ***** me up these days
like missed alarms in the morning
watching the train leave
spilling the coffee you really need

It reminds me that the best days have gone
passed by in a baby blue haze
in parks pretending to be absolutely anything
but who we are in reality

It feels like a wake up call at three am
that everlasting love doesn’t exist
in the cold of the city streets  
outside of the movies we used to see

Growing up and growing apart
With nothing to show for it
but a handful of memories of sparks
and stories about how it starts

Now I’m tired and feel old
walking past the street we first kissed
wondering if losing love is romantic
or if there is something I’ve missed