i can't believe
for a moment in time
you were mine





*s.q.

I once wept in your presence and you judged me.
You were right, I'm weak.
In all my solitude I grasped a hand,
In all my suffering I leaned on many shoulders,
Through highs and lows I was held with love.

So now I face the world alone,
You dare call me weak?
Climb and sore with no hand to hold,
You dare call me weak?
Man my own battles and slit my own throats,
You dare call me weak?
Look you in the eyes and say "I don't need you anymore",
You dare weep in front of me?

                                                       *s.q.

I hope you know I just wanted to hold you in my arms and sleep.
Maybe drift into your world as we slip into unconscious bliss
A grasp here, a touch there;
Lovely kisses everywhere
Your dark, smooth skin under this hazy glow
Vibrant waves of color as our spirits flow
You're tall and brooding but your eyes don't care
I'm love, I'm air, I'm barely even there
You search and finally find what you've been looking for
Is it too late? Your timing was poor
I can't say that we play the wait game well
Patience tested, every moment in your absence is comparable to hell
All I ask is for your rising chest that I claimed as my pillow
Dear, my beautiful boy, I'll jump without ever looking below

                                                          ­            *s.q.

"Did you ever love me?"

I really hope the answer is no
If this is how you treat the one you love
I'd rather stay solo




*s.q.

there's some sunshine left on the grass
i pick it up and hope it lasts

keep it in my pocket, tight
look at it late in the night

it never loses a glimmer of shine
never stops being divine

reminds me of a child's laughs
the innocence we continue to lose in shafts

we, ourselves are meant to be
a heaping mound of ecstasy

experiencing the world through observing eyes
helping the weak, growing so wise

yet we let the darkness come
and take us over in dooming hums

still i hold onto this shimmer
in hopes one day i'll add the glimmer

and let the light escape to earth
to a spiritual age, i hope we give birth



s.q.





.

How do I erase this Janwar
that's clawing, gnawing, destroying my insides
try to cease this current
this ebbing self-control
black-holed sanity of clear thought

Everywhere I go
every sight I see
incomplete without my completeness
you

Stupidity overwhelming judgement
blinding direction of constant withdrawal
an itch

How I wish things didn't happen for a reason
for now, I'd be whole
without a counterpart
missing

A puzzle piece
misleading me to believe
that he
and me
as a we
are meant to be

**** that idiocracy
for whole
I am,
complete,
and you are obsolete

*s.q.

Perfectly timed moments exist
And with their existence, my sadness persists
I walked out, and he walked in
Our eyes met, it was his win
Every cell in my being began to heat up
And all he could do was try not to **** up
Yet still I ignored my pleaing heart
I sat in my car and drove farther apart
He shrunk in my rearview mirror
I sighed in hopeless terror
What if love will never surpass this limit
What if he's the only man I could love so vivid
All that I hoped for, all that I dreamed
Slowly ripped and torn apart at the seam
How do I overcome this desire to cease life
How do I care about tomorrow's strife

*s.q.

the fantastic phantasm
of a troubled mind
can haunt away
the delightful shine
emanating from
your glowing chi
until you're numb
'til it's hard to breathe



s.q.




.

if love was recognized
for it's true, transcendental nature

if love was felt
in its deep, radiant vibrations

if love was seen
as its pure true self

if love was manifested
with all of ones righteous intentions


.



then we could say we were enlightened
no longer of this scattered, dysfunctional frequency
but of a higher vibration
grounded to the truth







s.q.





.

I'm disgusted by my capacity to feel.

Skip, forward, chapter anew
So many wonders to go undo
Live tomorrows with sorrows forgotten
No yesterday's fruits, spoiled and rotten
Splendors to stumble and tumble upon
No longer  living in the futures once dawned

*s.q.

everything impermanent doesn't matter
                       everything is impermanent

*s.q.

Gasp*
That feeling you get when can't hold your breath under water anymore,
Yea, that's what my whole life feels like
Tied in between strings, knotted tight
How can this existence be right?

Living for others,
That's what I was taught to do
Selfish *******
All they do is take and take from you

My routine is set from the moment my eyes open
No flutter of hope, happiness,
My hearts all vacant

A vault, a cage, a trap of some sort
A book, a page, skip to the core

Can I wiggle out this rabbit hole?
Can I find a higher truth?
Can you escape this world with me?
Can it be just me and you?

                              *s.q.

and when his compelling compunction took him over
he no longer saw the ones that loved him
lost were the days of affectionate splendor
all because he couldn't dare to spare a limb

now a pressure greater than gravity seems to hover
holding back floods of emotional struggle
why can't we redo the past once lessons are learned
breaking bad from all the memories churned


*s.q.

I hate these memories
These ****** up realities
Past tragedies
**** humanity

*s.q.

there is no answer
no statement recorded
no such truth
that answers the souls yearning
...
other than
what is found within
-
we too often feel lost
stranded, abandoned
by the cosmic whole
without direction

but we were given everything
EVERYTHING
we need to find peace
within the being we animate

stop being a victim to life



s.q.



.

Silhouettes
Shadows
Sights, dancing before my eyes
Voices
Noise, grazing my ear canals
Touch
A subtle whisper
Breath on my neck
Shivers.
Inhale
Exhale
Eyes finding eyes
Gazes held
Hands
Feeling, always feeling
Too close
For comfort
Closer still
Perfect
-ly horrid.
Cause to
My demise

 *s.q.

What is life but the silence in between the silence.

                                                                  *s.q.

The dark curves of his towering structure-----home.
Arms reach in the shadows to grasp me in a hold of immeasurable calm;
His head, nestling in the crevice of my neck, gently stroaking me with his nose;
Kisses, baby kisses, sprinkled along the silhouette of my jaw;
Legs wrapped around one another, tighter as to feel the warmth of his skin;
Hands finding each other's touch, the familiar sensation.
Snake like arm grip, tightening, and tightening still----never close enough,
Perfection Reached.

                                                       ­           *s.q.

In these silences of utter loneliness I stop and reflect;
Is this really my life?
Have I actually spent all these years trying to find change when in reality I've been stuck in this round-about since I was born.
I can't escape it.
This is my reality.
Of course there are peaks
Of course I have moments of true happiness and bliss which seem enough to be alive for in the moment.
But those moments have passed, all of them that may have existed in my lifetime, it seems.
I feel as if tomorrow will be another black day on my calendar.
Another year full of shed tears
More fallen hope
My crumbling spirit..
How?
On this day, one of the happiest for Muslims, how has it been consistently marked for destruction?
How have I been running away from my family due to sheer pain and sadness on such a beautiful day of reuniting?
Not one, not two, but for the past six years it seems, peace has not entered this home.
Please Allah, let today be different.


                                                 *s.q.

I keep waiting for that moment
That full gasp of fresh air
Where I'm no longer dancing
With the noose of your despair


*s.q.

please
let me live in ignorance
this blissful unknowing
silence wrapped in darkness

this blindfold is better
than the truth you bare
the truth covered in
death and despair

take your double-edged
sword
keep your love
keep your hate

leave me be
be me leave

let me breathe
with this heavy chest
weighted by the ache
of my abused best

*s.q.

The salty sweat of his chest
lingered on my lips,
so I tasted

pulled into the depths
of all his discovered
unknowns
my crevices of happy findings
warm tidings
delightful hidings

shut eyes, thoughtful, reliving
memories, flood of pleasure
losing control
I could smell his savage desire,
anticipation giving me chills

we find an everlasting truth
that even though
this distance will remain
we're bound through many domains
and no matter the end result
you and I
can't feel this real
from any other

*s.q.

Beautiful mind, you have succeeded
Expel all hate and accept all feelings
Time and time you have been beated
Life has now handed you more timid dealings

Play your cards right and the roads will be smoother
These ups and downs may wear you out
But these bruises and scrapes are battle scarrs
Each day set out to learn from their shouts

You've come a long way,
The progress is still endless
Clear troubles and exhale,
Inhale all that is painless

Of course you can conquer all that you've failed before
Walk away when hooded death's at your door
Sighs of relief released and begotten
Come, let's sit and drift to a world forgotten

                                    *s.q.

bewildered that this text
this forgotten scribe
uplifts the feelings
i try so hard to bury inside

this scribbled stanza
relieves pressure and pain
slowly allowing me to
stop reliving the shame

words once read
in black and white
submerged in emotions
high, light, and bright

letting your painted face
in my memory vault fade
ebbing in the distance
while these words continue to invade

funny is that our feelings exist
so playful and irrational
yet followed zealously
feels greater than feels, professional

*s.q.

strange
how strangers
fill our lives with
endless, heaping love


then walk away



s.q.



.

I don't get it
I just don't know
Why people chase trouble
Why they have no soul
Seek and you shall find
A missing piece of you
But lost it will stay
If you don't love it too

We're still their,
in that world
we ****** each other into

That beautiful realm
where reality meets fantasy
and grass is luscious and warm

Where no matter the night,
the moon shines bright
and glows in radiating symphonies

And when the morning rolls in
we sink deeper in
finding wonders and pleasures, how?

Looking in those deep eyes
intensity petrifies my spine
I roll back my own in moaning sighs

You move
I move
Synced

Even this vast distance
is a meek, weak exposure
a classified holder

*******
this life,
no words to describe it
just feels

*s.q.

sometimes it *****
what life turns out to be
he was the perfect him
i was the perfect me
those hushed moments
in the world we found
no goodbyes were needed around
awoke with the ****** of the pelvis
sleeping the same
synergistic in this plague
what vanity we famed


*s.q.

Earl Grey
the only man in my day
he soothes this **** pain away

*s.q.

To write is to:
       let go?
       relive?
       understand from a new perspective?
       finally accept it?
       be in denial of reality?
       hope?
       move on?
       furrow your eyebrows and think?
       rethink?
       be broken?

I don't want you
Any part of your noxious soul
You *******, obliterate, destroy
Like venom in veins
Slowly eat away
Look at the pain
You caused so much
Broken hearts, twisted remarks
Undone, redone to undo again
Your ways make absolutely no ******* sense
****** sensations
My only limitation
But insanity comes with a heavy price
Now nothing ever seems to suffice
Normal conversation is all that was required
Of course, too much to ask, from a lowly squire
Everything you touch turns to ash
If it weren't for compassion I would've never acted so rash
But now that's all trash
You've proven your worth
Correct, none
I want all my doings to be undone
**** your tainted mind
How do I leave this **** behind


                                                 *s.q.