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6.1k · Nov 2014
Flaws
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
I observe your flaws
Thought I wanted perfect after all the dysfunction
But perfect is ugliness I now know
Embrace the scars, weaknesses and out of the norms
I love to see them, see you as human
Brought back down to earth
But you're still in the clouds
Still bright shining
Saviour
Guidance
Goodness
Still perfect but not all the way through
& that's just the way I love you.
5.6k · Nov 2014
Strength
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
You've put all this weight on my shoulders
Responsibility
That you couldn't hold
You didn't want
You've been nothing when I needed everything
It's okay
My shoulders can hold the world
Such strength there is in them now
My heart can take the rejection, absence, abandon and can survive, it's walled now, protected from such
My spirit can take the absolute desolation that comes with your presence and come back to form into smiles and strength
I don't mean you've left me unmarked, unscarred
But you have given me absolute strength and that need for you has gone
You've given me the ability to be alone, self sufficient, rely on no one, need not another soul
And be okay with it
For that, I thank you
But you really are selfish *******
*******.
3.6k · Nov 2014
Rape culture
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
I cannot believe the **** culture that exists in these modern times. We, as Women live life thinking that our rights have have come a long way since those times when we had little to none but have they really? Have our rights gone anywhere when we are still, now WARNED about ****, when we are told ‘you need to be careful, you’re vulnerable, watch out for ****’.. Why is it our responsibility to not be *****, why is it not our responsibility as a nation to educate our young Men on ****, to educate them on a Woman’s right to say ‘No’ and to not have it ignored, argued with or discussed, to have it accepted, respected. Why is this placed upon our shoulders, something for us to guard against, something for us to worry about as we walk down a street, as we walk through our towns and something for us to be blamed for when we wear a short skirt, a tank top, tight jeans and are therefore ‘asking for it’. I was warned about being ***** today on the bus, an old man said to me ‘you be careful, you watch out, a young woman with a body like yours’. This is the body God gave me, this is the gender God gave me, this is the woman that God made me and why should I therefore have to protect myself against being ***** because of it? This is **** culture and it needs to change NOW.
How can this be accepted? How can we ignore this when we have daughters, granddaughters, sisters, nieces, friends, sons, grandsons, brothers being raised with this perspective, this ideology, this **** culture?
Today, this is said not as a poet but as a woman in this society, as a one-day mother and as an individual who knows that things need to change for the better.
2.9k · Nov 2014
Untitled
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
Do you ever want for things you cannot have?
Skin on skin, heart on heart
Warmth, closeness
Hands in hands and mouths that mirror each other into grins
Shadows side by side
Companionship.
Trust.
That chemical reaction that takes place in our brains that they call happy
Do you ever want for things you don't think you'll ever have?
2.1k · Dec 2014
Soon
Noelle Marie Dec 2014
Soon, soon, soon
My mantra
Feels like I'm trapped here,
I am for a time
But that time will be done soon
I anticipate it, I dread it,
My head is a jungle,
My thoughts predators, preying on one another,
Fighting to be the king of the jungle,
To no avail
I am mixed, swirled and sick to stomach
Soon soon soon
I'm outta here
1.9k · Dec 2014
Storm
Noelle Marie Dec 2014
Raindrops tap, tap at the window pane
A drumbeat for calm
They twinkle in soft light shining through
All my own, all my own stars
Crackles of brilliant blue light the night, world turned to colour for one moment
Stare in wonder
Claps and booms form a cacophony of sound
A song being played
It softens and calms
The events of the day almost erased
A lullaby so soft demanding to not be ignored
Lulls my eyes closed as I say
Goodbye to this day
Welcome the following, arms opened
1.7k · Dec 2014
Murder
Noelle Marie Dec 2014
I want to **** this fear, butchers knife cut it limb to limb

I want to decimate this helplessness, pull it apart seam by seam bare hands

I want to destroy this desperation, tie the rope and hang it from rafters

I want to manslaughter this conflicted uncertainty, a ****** mess on the kitchen floor

**** them, before they **** me.
1.7k · Mar 2015
I hate you
Noelle Marie Mar 2015
I slept wrapped with your limbs
I slept with my heart enclosed in your hand
I slept with your skin caressing mine in the night
Breath mingling, sharing air
You walked, unaffected
I was in so deep, blind to anything but you
Still blind to anything but you
But you dont want to see me anymore
Stop calling, maybe Ill be able to progress from crawling.
1.5k · Mar 2015
New
Noelle Marie Mar 2015
New
Tell me
Why, one day I'm yours, I call you mine
The next we're nothing and you're cheery ******* fine
While I question the enormity of what I just gave you, how it meant so little
Feels like my insides are dragging behind me, a newly formed hole in the ozone sphere of my life
There's pieces of you, dotting my space
I hold back that need, want to beg, chase, convince you
Come back to me
I was talking decades and centuries, now all I hear is maybes
I was in such depths,
You were barely in the shallows
1.4k · Nov 2014
Freedom
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
I never knew freedom
Quite like this
I only knew cages, bars and traps
I only knew wishing wishing that I'd have escape
Counting down days hours
I only knew I wanted more more more
Than her words tearing me inside out and down down down in despair and desperation to claw out
I only knew I deserved better
I curled in my window frame, legs swinging, watching the ants go by and that was my life, locked with bars and chains and traps
Sad, sad little girl
Broke free, ran so fast I was free in an instant&
I never knew freedom quite like this.
I don't even remember who that little girl is but I'll never forget.
1.4k · Jan 2016
Right
Noelle Marie Jan 2016
Today I'm fresh
Today I am new
I am feeling around in the dark, but it's only my hands
It's only my voice that answers the queries
I knew something was wrong when I looked for your voice before my own
When I wanted your hands in case my clumsy pair failed
I was living my life through you
So, one set of hands and one voice ringing through the dark is the answer
And I answered
I am all I need
1.2k · Dec 2015
5 minutes for amnesia
Noelle Marie Dec 2015
5 minutes for amnesia
Laughing, tumbling through waves in the ocean
5 minutes for amnesia
Giggling like I'm back to 10 years old, salty, stringy hair pasted to my face
5 minutes for amnesia
The sun is blissful on my tipped up, smile stretched skin
5 minutes for amnesia
And I'm just me, free me, happy with the moment, the breeze in my hair, carrying my worries in pieces
The pieces solidify
And inch by inch I recede and remember
I wish I had an etch-a-sketch, that I could erase what's behind me, draw a happy picture, be brand new.
972 · Nov 2014
Scar
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
You scar, for fun
Administering poison
Stomping your feet like a child,
Mind games to leave them lying on the kitchen floor,
Pieces of mind and heart shattered
On the walls, a red spray of pain
You're sick and suffering is your exultation, triumph
You revel in it
You smile that toothy, evil grin
Eyes flashing self satisfaction
What you don't know is,
When eyes are opened,
And you are seen through and through
You will be left in the dust
Where your sickness belongs
969 · Jan 2015
Happy New Year
Noelle Marie Jan 2015
Happy New Year!
365 days of blank, clean slate
A fresh start
Positive! Smiles! Resolutions!
New me
Without you
Happy New Year kid!
You have no parents
No Mum now if I ever really had her
Always out of reach
No Dad if he was ever really mine at all
Suitcases always packed, bus ticket at the ready
Living in a lake of fear
I have love, I have family, adopted
Adopted me as I adopted them
Temporary
Until a better offer comes,
Prettier, smarter, babies, husbands, whole families again
And I am replaced
Thrown out, blotted out of photos
Happy New Year kid!
You're on your own in the big wide world.
859 · Nov 2014
Waves
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
Sometimes they overtake you and they swallow you whole, other times they lap at you like soft, sharp, insistent waves, slowly washing you away.
Noelle Marie Jan 2015
It strangles in it's hold
It suffocates with it's presence
It sits on my chest and I wheeze with the effort of
Breath
In out, choking
It holds me at night, cold, clawing darkness
The bed partner that goes nowhere
Infiltrating my mind filling it with
Pain pain pain  
It steals the grin right out from under me with the thoughts running through
Unstoppable, unbearable
Constant, comfortable, normal
Destroying me one piece of mind and body at a time
It's all lies
It's all truth
It's all fear
713 · Nov 2014
Saved
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
You've saved me
Outside you look merely mortal
You are anything but
I looked beyond and I saw your shine
You are myth
Beautiful inside and out
Selfless in your giving
Absolute love
I look at you with wonder
The being that you are
Mesmerising in your goodness and light
Undeserving of pain or sadness
I never want to see it
I want to see that muscle process moving lips up curved into a grin
A laugh so full of life even when trouble is upon your shoulders
A voice that gives me what I need
Guidance, love, courage, strength
Lent from you out of love
Words that I need
Comfort that I need
You saved me
It is true, the greatest thing in life is to be loved and to love in return
The greatest thing in life is to have a mother like you
706 · Nov 2014
Lived
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
We don't live life
Life lives us
Deterioration, breaks, cracks
Lives us out until we can live no more
Takes all our energy, saps all our strength, courage as it demands
Takes, ruthlessly, unforgiving
It wears us down, like sandpaper does the rough wood that will one day be the dining table, worn, dented, gouged, used,
Old, wrinkled, soon to expire
A new generation in every birth,
Born to be lived, worn, used, deteriorated
And so it goes.
682 · Sep 2015
2pm thoughts
Noelle Marie Sep 2015
Two minds exist in one space
I'm beautiful in such a unique, one in a million way, deep down knowledge tells me
I look in the mirror, it's not outside beauty I speak of
Can anyone else see it?
Do they want to spend the time looking for it, digging to the bottom
Will I ever find an equal, ever find someone who sees with clear cut eyes
Or will I spend this life in the shadows of solidarity, strange perspectives and too much for the shallow, vice filled lifestyles
Was I brought into existence to exist in this space? Or am I entirely in the wrong place?
653 · Sep 2015
All you could have had
Noelle Marie Sep 2015
All the passion banked up in my larger than life soul
It would have been shared with you
You would have been the focus of my twinkling lit eyes
The attention of my love starved lips and hands
You would have had the largest space in my heart all to yourself (and I'll never tell you this but there is no would, you do)
But you're fading, that space is shrinking
But
It's in this moment that I've got hindsight tinged vision
And I know, I was the most beautiful thing you ever had
One day you'll know too
595 · Dec 2014
Power of words
Noelle Marie Dec 2014
The power of words
None know the extent
Can make our hearts fly free
Knowing we are not alone in our stasis, our feeling
Can make our hearts fly free hearing 'I love you', 'I am proud'
Can cause our hearts to seize in our chests, such pain, such happiness
But from words
Have we forgotten that talk means nothing
Unless action follows, gives evidence of feeling, of statement
If actions were valued as such
Imagine the world?
Poverty, hunger, may be lessened
We may know difference between good, bad, right, wrong
Being valued, or used
The world might be changed absolutely
The power of actions
Matters
556 · Nov 2014
From the heart
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
From head to toes
We are imperfect
Saying the things that are unimportant
Talk about the weather
Rather than say, I couldn't live without you
Too scared to say what we might regret
But if we don't
Will we not feel the same
Those actions we don't put into action?
Those words we don't allow our tongue to form, our lips to pronounce
Will they not haunt us
When it comes to the end?
Lay your head on her chest
Hear her heart
Get close
Give your heart what it needs
Trust, to save yourself
Tell her you love her& give the evidence of it
Give with all your heart
Chance the hurt
To eliminate the regrets, 'what-ifs& I wishes'
Live from the heart
518 · Dec 2014
No Christmas
Noelle Marie Dec 2014
The scent
The sounds
The vibrant colour
The excited tones and syllables
It's Christmas
I can't stand it
It's two weeks til my 19th birthday
In my stomach; a dark pit, sickness, knots
In my head; panic, darkness, fear
In my heart; fear, sadness
I can't stand the word Christmas
I can't stand the smell of fruit mince pies, gingerbread houses, tinsel
I can't stand the lights and smiles and trees with baubles so bright and lights flashing
I can't stand the happiness, holding hands, singing families
It's Christmas and I'm holding your hand, singing for comfort, yours and mine
and you're dying
I'm smelling death
I'm hearing words like renal failure, hypoxia, cancer; and I'm scared out of my wits
It's Christmas time, I'm a kid and I'm sitting here waiting for you to die
It doesn't feel like Christmas at all.
493 · Sep 2015
Mountains
Noelle Marie Sep 2015
And on the days when your heart is a dying thing gasping its last breaths in your chest
And your hopes have flown away in a flock
Your dreams are far away, too far too crawl which all that can be managed
On the days that are right now
In this moment
Hold on baby, as the water pulls past you and tries to drag you with the flood
Hold tight to the tree post
Because the sun will come out
Because those hopes will fly back with colour in their wings
Because you'll stand on your once weary feet and chase those **** dreams
You'll come back to yourself sweetheart,
You're heart will shock start, it will beat, speed up in those happy moments, slow in the peace
You'll be ten times the girl you were,
You'll be the girl that carried mountains without being crushed
483 · Nov 2014
Sit down next to me
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
Sit down next to me
I'll tell you a story
About watching someone fall apart before your eyes
Watching the skin advance closer to the bone
The personality wither away
A cancer journey

Sit down next to me
I'll sing you a song
About the pain that is ever present and the shaking in her hands
About the confusion in her deep brown eyes as she is lost a little more to me, to herself, each day

Sit down next to me
I'll draw you a picture
About the last few days with her where she barely opened her eyes
Where she was hardly present with the substances that raced in her blood
Where she was panicked, confused and her mind was going, going, gone
Where I had to look hard to find traces of the woman I'd known

Sit down with me and I'll paint it on canvas
The desperation
The helplessness
Feeling unexplainable in it's entity
Fear and grief mingled into an indistinguishable snarled being
A living presence in that hospital room
Of the prayers, prayers, prayers
For it to be over,
For her peace and
For mine

Sit down next to me
I'll show you the pictures
Of her youth where she swam, climbed trees and skinned knees and grinned with mischief
of her first child, second child, the brief moments of smiles hugs and love, the third and the fourth and first steps and cuddles
The mystery, questions without answers and untold stories mingled with the stories with too many versions to piece together the puzzle
The life of a woman who we called our mother.
481 · Nov 2014
Immy
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
Have you ever met Immy?
She's a beautiful kid
Blonde hair
Big blues
Stare up saying 'you'll love me'
Trust in her eyes, love in her heart
She needs protection, devotion, unconditional love
Immy sits and waits, she wonders what she's done wrong
Mummy doesn't  get up when she's hungry, when her ear hurts and she can't sleep
When she needs a cuddle because she's cold and sad
Mummy doesn't brush her hair and do it up pretty
Mummy doesn't put her in pink shirts and frilly skirts
Mummy doesn't shield her when he hurts her every night.
Mummy had no sign of love in her eyes when she yells ugly words
Mummy has no love in her eyes when she's throwing things around the yard telling Immy to get the **** out and don't come back kid
Mummy isn't a mummy
So who will be?

Have you met Immy?
She just graduated high school
She worked harder than any kid her age would
Fought, kicked, escaped
She lived round those places til she got on her feet, dinner on the table, school everyday, vacuum your room
Responsible for herself she made it
She's a miracle
She's strength, courage
She made it out of the cycle
She overcame the inevitable, expected
Escaped the void
The hopelessness
She made it
465 · Aug 2015
Beg
Noelle Marie Aug 2015
Beg
I turn myself inside out with the truths
They destroy with ease
It leads me to one thought every time
Full circle and I'm begging, I'm begging for mercy, I'm begging to be done with it
I don't have to feel this way, I don't have to hurt everyday
I don't have to be here, do this ****
I don't have to live with all this, I could have peace, I could have non existence
I come to these conclusions, all the pain could be gone, I, there could be no 'I'
And I beg
Please
464 · Nov 2014
Nothing or everything
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
Nothing
That's all some days
Everything
In over my head, saturated, drowning in emotion
Wrung dry of tears
Next, a numbness that cannot be challenged by anything
Feeling like ice, a wall shields me from all, until the ice melts
To form a sea of emotion that swamps with the power of a tsunami
It's all or nothing
Nothing or everything
Some days I enjoy the ice
453 · May 2015
Untitled
Noelle Marie May 2015
I ******* hate you
And this power you have over me
Because I don't fall in love gently
I fall so hard into the water and I sink; and I drown
I'm looking for you round every corner
In every blue Toyota
In every buzz of my phone
I come up empty
We're strangers
We've come full circle
But how long will it be before I'm done dreaming of you?
449 · Jan 2015
Four letters
Noelle Marie Jan 2015
Ripped jeans and a cozy sweater
On a day like this wont you hug me better
Addictive cologne with that soft threadbare shirt
My head on your heart, makes my chest hurt
The scent of you covers my surrounds
I'd willingly drown in it
Your voice, the sweetest lullaby the world has known
It sends me off, sweet dreams,
You and Me in this world, alone
Four letters
428 · Nov 2014
Absence
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
I look into the mirror
Sometimes
And I see your face looking back at me
Your smile, your eyes, your lips
I see an absence
And my chest hurts
Nearly 11 years now
I don't know how I remember your face
I don't really
It's slowly slipped away
Memories faded over time
Darkened
By anger, by pain, by sadness, by this yearning for you to be back with me
You protected me as much as you could, loved me I think, made me feel cared for, worthy
I know now why you but I have but one wish
That you'd taken me with you  
That you'd take time to make me feel cared for, worthy again
Come back,
One day,
Some day,
Please,
There is a hole where you once belonged
415 · Dec 2014
Dirt
Noelle Marie Dec 2014
Hope has gone away, extended vacation
You've lost all you ever wanted before you could even conceive of it, let alone have it
She's falling apart and all you can do is watch day by day
The one you thought would give you strength you needed packed the suitcase, no trace
You're slowly coming to that realisation that the world doesn't give a ****, too busy worrying about it's own problems
Where do you find the hope? Where do you look?
In the dirt that's all that's left?
413 · Nov 2014
Untitled
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
Nothing new
The world is caving
Always on rocky ground
Only needs that tremor strong enough
I turn inside
Replaying
Playing
What ifs
Whys
I'm making sentences that don't make sense
Living a life that never stays stable
A revolving door
A heart so fragile inside that concrete wall
Emptiness I speak
Emptiness I live
Emptiness I feel
Escape I crave
Happy I crave
**** it all, **** it, **** it
I can't do this
408 · Feb 2017
Tortured
Noelle Marie Feb 2017
I saw pieces of the world
Magical corners
Excitement flooding my bones to set them vibrating
Sunk into the cold white with an eight year olds smile
Giggling the same
Took in the bare ***** rocks formed over centuries of whips and waves
Giant canyons reminding of my insignificant existence in their presence, here before me and long after
I sat wide eyed and silent, adoring the moment where I was free and adoring God's artistry
Adventure upon adventure, as thrilling as the last
I rode the roads, writing about my scars, rivers down my cheeks
Expecting immediate catharsis
Wishing for 'home'
It took two days for it to come to me, for me
Wrap around me, burrow into my skin, envelop my bed
It lay in wait for me
It echoes in this vast empty house
The nothing that is here
The mind numbing pain
of absence
I should have kept running
Travel the world, see those things you only imagine. But don't forget your demons wait at the end.
402 · Jan 2015
Grief
Noelle Marie Jan 2015
Hey there Mum
It's just me writing
You sneak up on me in the quiet
In the quiet it's back sitting on my chest and I remember
You're gone, he's gone
I'm solitary
I felt like I was just living, just starting
And I lost it all
Is this how it goes Mum?
I miss you as much as 7 weeks love buys
I love you as much as my heart can
I'm empty empty empty
Where my parents used to be
I'm swallowing down hysteria and fear so intense it consumes
I'm blinking saltwater as useless as it is
I've got something good with a shelf life
It'll be taken away
I'm drowning
I'm drowning
It never goes away
But I wish life would
401 · Nov 2014
Sad
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
Sad
Sing to me now, sing to me
Convince me not to hate you please
Talk to me now, talk to me,
Convince me not to resent you
See me now, see me
Convince me that you haven't been looking through me these 18 years
Hold me now, hold me
Convince me that you feel some affection for me
Comfort me now, comfort me
Give me a taste of something you've never given
Love me now, love me
But even then will I ever believe it?
400 · Dec 2014
Don't
Noelle Marie Dec 2014
In he wanders
Exactly the right time
Saying all the right things

Don't be a lesson
Dressed in sweet nothings
Bones wrapped in skin and eyes that crinkle into happiness
Inspiring hope and muscles moving into unstoppable grins
Only to tear apart, opportunity to learn not to trust or love too easily

Don't be a lesson
Be a reality
A perfectly timed opportunity for happiness
Please
398 · Nov 2014
Cycles
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
She wanted to be the girl to make something
Beautiful
Out of that snarled blackness that she had always existed in
To make a light to guide
Into a future of freedom, normal
She hoped they might open their eyes, see the light,
Follow
But there they stayed in their comfort of nothingness, a hopeless future and those after to live in the same
That was okay
That girl will still shine
397 · Dec 2015
To the bone
Noelle Marie Dec 2015
Nothing but cold is outside my body
I've finally finished with you
I've finally finished attempting to pull together this project,
The one where you're called 'Mum'
And you give me the makeup and boy tips
Where home is a place and that place is you
I've let it go to the wind and scatter
Faced the infinite truth,
I can pretty every aspect of life but the pretty will never shine through
Ugly is down to the bone
& all I have is the soul I own, the breath I breathe, the voice I speak
It'll just have to do.
391 · May 2015
Wait
Noelle Marie May 2015
Sit patiently beside me while I dig through the shredded skins of my past selves, as I dig through the madness these scars hold, find and pull myself, brutally and with all the struggle of a world war, out of this black hole. Because once I come out of that black hole, I can discover the wonders of space; it’s stars, nebulae and the beauty of standing underneath the moon with you. Just let me save myself first.


©Noelle Marie
386 · Dec 2014
Stay
Noelle Marie Dec 2014
In one minute
I want to run
I'm shallow breathing
Now I'm gasping
It's advancing over my head
My legs in position, ready
I'll give it all I'm worth

Then the world shakes
It's bad, real bad
There's splinters pointing in, every turn I'm walking into something sharp, damaging
My legs may be ready, muscles aching to bunch and spring
Though they must stay soldered right here
I'm screaming for escape

But what escape can be found?
382 · Sep 2015
Complicated
Noelle Marie Sep 2015
I'm speaking in lists to get by
I'm not reading them
It's just to lessen the drowning, to grab hold of something with roots so I can survive the current
But I'm swept away anyway
It's all so complicated
Doesn't anyone ever get complicated like this?
Am I different? No I know, we're all the same, there's no such thing as unique, you're not the only one experiencing this
But this complexity is impossible, surely people would be crazy if this was their reality
2am and holding their head in their hands in attempt to find calm
Thoughts speeding round the edges hitting the walls
Falling like battered bees
I just don't know, and that's my mantra
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I'm not making sense, you're not making sense, life isn't making sense, it's all making nonsense
365 · Mar 2015
Forget you
Noelle Marie Mar 2015
Somewhere I heard
The person who is your first thought on waking has your heart
Baby whoever said it was not wrong
Before my waking mind begins to unfog your name is at the forefront, your face is on the surface
Your scent, the feel of your touch is all there is
Memories of you, moments filled with you
You wholly own me
&
You have wholly forgotten me
Gods, all I pray for is to one day forget you.
360 · Aug 2015
Rejection
Noelle Marie Aug 2015
Rejection is in my throat again but it doesn't taste the same, I guess now I'm conditioned so well to it I can swallow the ****** down like honey, tastes like normal
I let it haunt me
It's all mine, pumping through my system with all the subtlety of a machine gun, but it doesn't destroy like it used to, only a fraction
I welcome it as a reminder, stop now and back away, no one will ever make the promises or attachments to you, that you will to them
You are on your own little fool, don't kid yourself
347 · Nov 2014
One day
Noelle Marie Nov 2014
At this moment my existence is in grey, decisions on my shoulders weighing me down
What should I do always on my mind,
Worry in my head, bitterness in my voice, no choice
But these moments, they will pass and Life will begin, it'll slow down and I'll have time
I'll have fun, I'll smile, I'll laugh, I'll settle, see the world and all it's offerings
I'll meet someone
And I'll live in a screaming colour, a world where grey will be forgotten and forever left
Behind, where it should be
One day
326 · Mar 2015
No one to tell.
Noelle Marie Mar 2015
Today the light went out
So what
Today I didn't get up
I just stayed on the floor with the dirt, blood drops, stagnant air
Today I stopped breathing, my organs stopped functioning
And I stopped being
It all fell off my shoulders
I gave it up, the race is too far, there's no chance of winning
Who am I explaining myself too?
Who the **** is there?
Who is there to call? To tell them I'm dead?
Who is there to miss me but my bed partners
-self-hate and sadness
You'll have to find someone else now
I'm gone
You'll have to tell no one that I'm dead
There's no one to tell.
317 · Sep 2015
Dead
Noelle Marie Sep 2015
The ***** went down like honey
Soothing my aches and pains
It took me away from all the hurts
Like sunshine
Until it rains
Rain it did, as it scooped me up in fun and spat me out in delirious devastation
Sitting on pavement crying out for you
Speaking in tongues and silly riddles
Emptying my stomach over and over but never emptying my head of you
The reasoning 'I just want to feel better'
The reality, I have to reconcile this, I have to make peace with this
You're not coming back this time
309 · Jan 2015
Write it out
Noelle Marie Jan 2015
I wish I could write it all out
Pour it onto paper a stream of feeling
Sweet release
Trap it in the pages
Where it can't ever get back inside me
Freedom
From all this pain
Pressing pressing pressing me down
Wilting me
It's so hard to rise up out of the ground each day
A concrete barrier
Cementing me in despair
Killing me one desperate day at a time
I would give my life away if I could
I don't want it anymore
294 · Sep 2015
Conflict
Noelle Marie Sep 2015
I found myself exploring the darkest corners the other day
I had to answer these questions, how do I feel, what do you call this emotion and why do I feel this way.
The recesses answered me
I am unowned, unclaimed
I am not a responsibility of anyone, I am no longer her daughter, his daughter
No one will ever say 'she's mine' again
Or tell me of my first word, my baby memories
But the question is, what the **** have I really lost, if anything at all?
267 · May 2015
Untitled
Noelle Marie May 2015
Some days I think I'm going to be okay
Some weeks I can walk with my head high looking at the future, determined, with strong shoulders for all they carry alone
Some nights I break, God, I splinter and I pray, I pray so hard
To be done, let me die, let me find courage
Let me find that razor and make a clean cut on each arm
God, let me let go.
I just can't do this
I can't keep coming back to this place, where it's all in perspective and it's all clear and I know I have not a soul to hold me when it all goes wrong
Not a soul to know whether I'm alive or dead
Not a soul
Wherever I look there's people and they're family and there's love and belonging and family
All I hear in my head is how you don't need me and you don't want me calling
All I ask for is reprieve, all I ask for is for it all to be over
Please make it stop
Please make it better
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