At one point I called you father, and meant it. You were not my father by blood, simply by marriage. I had longed for a father figure for as long as I could remember, A man who would love and raise me as his own. The good memories were brief snippets of happier times, While the bad were vivid, distinct memories that lasted for what felt like hours. A nightmare that I could never escape from, They were engrained in my memory like the words to my favorite song. I wish I could forget all the difficult memories and focus on the good times that we had together. What little they were, anyways. I wish I could forgive, the way my five year old self did, Oh, the love and admiration she had for you. Now all that was left was anger and a bitter resentment. The anger and confusion that came with the abuse that you perpetuated. I would never call you Father again, if I ever saw you I would look at you in disgust and pity, For you will never know true, selfless, love. And for that, I feel sorry for you.
Silver trails from the snail mail you sent, I Store in a box. In my mahogany chest, right Next to my heart and bones. It still smells of the life time we wasted. The coffee shops are empty, I have grown sleepy, no caffeine tears. In the bookstore that cold day last month, I saw you. A smile of sadness was exchanged, I hope that was enough.
You hide behind everything you are afraid to hear: “You will die alone.” “I love you but only in memories.”
You hold my hand sometimes, But only in moments when I do not whisper too loud, Only in moment when I fold my clothes just right.
Sometimes you appear out of thin air.
Like when I follow the dotted like correctly, Or ask you to speak at my funeral. You Never took the blame, unholstered your gun to look down on the mess you made. Looked into my eyes Asked if I would take the bullet.
You cower in the corner afraid that I might ask you something real. That I might tug on one of your heart strings long enough for it to play a melody.
You tell me, “You are a burden.” What I think you mean is, “ I don’t know how to love without suffocating.” You tell me “You are a disappointment.” What I think you mean is "I cannot give you what you deserve."
The thing is, you can only yell over the truth for so long your vocal chords will seize and you will be left with the ringing in your ears. The sour taste in your mouth. You will be left with everything you never did for me. I am tired of bruising my knuckles, bleeding for a cause that is not mine.
I tell you "I love you" What I mean is "My wounds still have time to heal, yours don't."
24/7 I want to hold you in my arms 24/7 I want say love you any time But I have to move on You've moved on while I was crying My heart aches Soul bakes within the sadness of the moon Why did you break me...
I look into the mirror Sometimes And I see your face looking back at me Your smile, your eyes, your lips I see an absence And my chest hurts Nearly 11 years now I don't know how I remember your face I don't really It's slowly slipped away Memories faded over time Darkened By anger, by pain, by sadness, by this yearning for you to be back with me You protected me as much as you could, loved me I think, made me feel cared for, worthy I know now why you but I have but one wish That you'd taken me with you That you'd take time to make me feel cared for, worthy again Come back, One day, Some day, Please, There is a hole where you once belonged