On this lonely night
all I do is try
to catch words
so slippery
like air
they're all around
just breathe them in
and out

I looked out the window
and there is nothing left
all the snow is gone
it just melted in the pouring rain

The birds are singing
but the sky is gray
it reminds me of you
where were you yesterday?

Now there is silence in our home
We are one toothbrush short
and your belongings in the hall
make me feel cold with heater on

In midst of this chaos
a miracle occurs
my drowsy eyes make me see
last snowflake of this year

Key to your soul
hidden from all
heart is the lock
open the door

You were made perfect
(with all imperfections)
beauty is light
covered with skin

Shine, beauty, shine!
Don't hide,
destroy the walls inside
give out the key to your heart.

Worst than sickness
that kills you
is sickness
that you get to survive

Dear God,
I know we have not talked for a while
but there are still some questions
I need you to answer.
I never doubt your existence,
but I doubt you are kind at heart.
Why did you give me eyes?
Only to see people suffer?
Only to see fathers
abusing their daughters,
mothers hurting their sons?
You give me eyes
and I want to scratch them out.
I am too tired of crying all night.
Why did you give me ears?
Only to hear endless screams?
Only to listen to stories of destruction,
of void and eternal dark,
of suicide, mother of all self-abuse.
Listen how smile turns into tears,
and silent whispers
becomes screams so loud,
and I can't stand them!
HELP! HELP! HELP!
Why did you give me ears
if they are of no use?
Why did you give me hands?
Only so I can touch the scars?
To feel the cuts on the inside?
To cut myself
with words,
not razors,
when I am trying to write.
Why in all this chaos of life
I feel like I was born
with my hands tied?
Why can't I stop them
from hurting others
and themselves,
from smoking another cigarette,
or from drinking,
until they drink themselves to death,
from going to bed with strangers,
out of pure disrespect for themselves,
from accepting the twisted judgments of society,
and carving the verdicts into their bodies and heads.
From taking strange medical substances,
and non-medical as well,
just to be accepted
by people that never care.
Why did you even give me heart?
Only to be broken?
By what? Love?
Bigger lie cannot be spoken!
It's just selfish desire
of touching the skin
of other human being.
Having control,
reserving their body
all for yourself.
Or worse,
sharing pieces of soul,
never to return,
when the cracks from within
reach out and break you apart.
Dear God,
I accept I'm inferior and so very limited,
but in your holiness and immortality,
why is there beauty,
laced with suffering,
innocence,
treated with hate,
happiness,
mixed with pain,
smile,
embraced with grief.
I understand
there is no rainbow
without the rain,
but give me some hope to believe...

God gave me voice
not to be silent
but to scream out
about mercy and violence
about rights and wrongs
about beauty of world
about child labor
about colorful rainbow
about witch trials
about love and desire
about lies and betrayals
about lost, drug addicts, outcasts, homelessness
and most of all about His forgiveness.

I want to know
does the soul
grow old
and tired
with the body

Because it once was pure
but now it seems
so dark and clouded inside
sad or mad, all is bad
fallen, and I can't stand

Ridiculous obligations
to unknown friends
that **** me dry
like flies do wine
until the glass is empty

I dream of love
I fear it more
I am just terrified
of hearing
"no"

I can hear the endless sounds
of my soul bleeding
and down the drain it goes
and all that was right
is now wrong
until it disappears completely
that's what it is
living alone
in a nether
with no family
with the world chewing you
ever so slowly
and pushing you back
in a trashcan "not normal"
or box for "socially acceptable"
and so called friends
lurking in shadows
waiting for you to fall
so they can salvage what is left
and you are alone
alone and your legs broken
that will teach you not to stand
alone and you will never be "home"
with bleeding soul
and heart so cold
that it gives you shivers
out of touch
and out of control
lets write him off as "lost"

I am sitting on the chair
and suddenly I fall,
my head is banging on the door,
my body's shaking on the floor.

I know what's going on,
it will never be better,
it will only get worse,
I've lost control.

My secret wish
is just to dissolve
into my bed
to become one
with everything around
to become the fabric
of the universe

To become water
run through mountains
into green valleys
and join everyone
at the sea party
to raise up as clouds
and fall down as rain drops

To end the thirst
of one lonely human
to became his blood
to go through his lungs
through his heart
and livers
and to leave him again.

To leave the Earth
and go on a journey
that leads nowhere
into deep space
to watch it all from afar
watch it all end
and start all over again.

My dear,
my body loves thee with force so raw
that it results in thunderous roar
I hope you enjoy this fragrance of love
because my body will supply enough
to make you hold your breath
and hope it will stop
But when we spoon under blankets
and my cheeks will clap
there is no escape
from this violent applause
You know what Shakespeare wrote about love?
It fears no tempest,
so lets break some wind!

It's okay
if things don't go my way
some days
they always have their own way

But why is the way to hell
a highway, a highway...
and the only way to heaven
is the stairs?

I really thought
though the way was tough
that there's a place
we could go

In the end
put out fire
let's move on
to nowhere.

I can feel your whip
when I pull you like a mule
I beg you to strike harder
because I can hardly feel

I am a dead horse
I'll show you my naked bones
admire their beauty
and watch my body rot

I stood in the water
tried to wash away my sins
tried to brush it off with steel
but my sentence is incomplete

You made me pull harder
and I fall deeper in the soil
mud beneath your fingers
is not like mud in my blood

You put out the fire
just to keep me in the dark
but I've been already blinded
and your whip strikes with brutal force

I try to speak up
but my lungs are full of stones
and lies you have seeded
make me pull once more

This is my last confession
I loved you and I don't
last whisper to the wind
may it carry ashes of joy

Rain comes
the flood
from her eyes
and she tries
to resist desire

Torment
disguised
as a love
as a friend
as her lover

Rain drops
falling down
touch the ground
cold as ice
extinguished her fire

He touched her face
and she bites
and she screams
and she cries
but it doesn't matter

And she tries
to hit him hard
to make it stop
as the clothes
are ripped apart

She does not like
the taste of ***
his dead eyes
how he cringes her hand
doesn't matter

Doesn't matter
she screams
she cries
she's passed out
but he keeps making "love"

Sometimes,
I wish to make a statue
out of me.
And I mean it literary.
Take a knife
and make curves
how I want them to be right.
And cut out
all parts I don't want.
With precision
cut the skin, the flesh,
the need for perfection
desire to bleed.
I will be an artist,
body the masterpiece.

There is an island in the sky
flying high above
it is so beautiful
and yet untouched

Scorching the sky
and hiding the sun
it cares for nothing
it cares for no one

It's just a piece of rock
cold, heartless with no blood
did not love and did not care
was it ever even there?

Today I found
the scar
on my hip.
I mean you can't see it,
but you can feel it,
if you touch.
I just thought:
"I will never get away,
it will always be there"

I open my eyes,
I don't want to see,
but I cannot be blind,
even if others could be,
I have to speak:

You girl out there,
just listen to me,
I am too tired
of repeating this,
repeating constantly.

I open my eyes,
I don't want to see,
but I cannot be blind,
even if others could be,
but what do I see?

I see the girls
ruining their bodies,
cutting their skin,
because they can't
cut the soul.

They feel so useless,
out of place,
and out of control.
Sending their pics,
to guys they don't know.
Or worse.

How do you fall,
for someone so selfish,
who just says:
"Make me feel good!"
and why you do?

And what you do!
Why can't you stop!
This is not love.
Just an abuse.
Just an abuse.

I remember
not sure I will ever forget
all these years of...
trying to find words
but none can do you justice
looking up on that shower head
and the water pours down on me
I have my hands tied by a power cord
and you burnt my arm with your match
there is blood on my forehead
that made me spit in your face
you smash my head on the bath tub
this time I think you cracked it open
and the water is just as cold
as you are, my friend
or what is your name
and the water is almost boiled
and it starts all over again

No need to ****
what is dead inside,
rats die in sewers,
when the flood comes,
and rivers go dry,
when the rain is undone,
and flowers bloom for butterflies,
only to be eaten by caterpillars,
sometimes you watch the time go by,
only to realize you went blind,
the world is a wild jungle,
you became cockroach to survive.

Do you really love me?
or just love to hurt me,
to take control
and use my body
but where is soul?
You never care
maybe you just can't,
you are a soulless
horror of the night,
my nightmare,
that came alive
and I let you take me,
head over heels,
you leave me so empty,
you just use me,
then you leave
and I am nothing,
I feel so worthless
God, I can't take this,
I'm dying every night,
I want your heart
and you just my body...

...You are a wonderful man...
But you don't know my scars,
all the things I've been through.

...And yet you survived...
I see now, you don't understand
the reason to commit suicide.

...How can someone do such horrible thing?...
Well, you don't do it because you want to die,
you do it because you can't stand being alive.

Don't wanna be the one
to break you
Because love is a boat
and I'll wreck it ashore
and if we are to walk together
I will only make you slip
and fall

1st Bell

Tears
shining bright
in your soaking wet coat
There was a time
when you believed
now you have grown cold.

2nd Bell

Small footsteps, small footsteps
she walks in snow
small footsteps, small footsteps
she's not even year old
small footsteps, small footsteps
she doesn't yet know.

3rd Bell

Heart beats
heart stops
simple thing
body dies
last smile
good bye
good bye

Good bye.

How you make me feel?
You make me feel
like the sun rises just for me
like the wind whispers in my ear
"I love you"

You make my heart
race so fast
with every word
and it almost stops
at the end of line

And I'm afraid
that one day
there'll be just blank page
in a box
with your name.

******* The Wing

She helps selfishly, she gives everything,
even to those who don't give back,
even to those who have nothing left,
even to strangers like me.

She cares about everybody,
even about people that hurt her,
even about people that don't know her,
even starving kids in Africa she loves like closest friends.

She is such a talented writer as well!
Her poems are emails of heart,
such emotions in rhythm and rhymes.
I wonder how she could be so awesome.

She is a God's gift,
most beautiful object in the universe,
she is an angel on earth,
and this is no praise - just stating the facts.

I wonder if I ever be
more than just a memory
more than desire
yet unfulfilled

Will I ever be as star?
Giving light to that certain someone
will she give it back?
Or will I just remain meaningless?

Life is short
just drop in the ocean.
I am alone
devoid of devotion.

Will I die
leaving nothing behind?
Will my death
be a meaningless act?

And then a memory
once so bright
as the stars at night
will be forgotten.

I will not leave
a single scratch
on the Earth's crust.
Ashes to ashes
dust to dust.

Why don't you
free yourself
spread your wings
fly in the sky?

All these things
you can do
shackles off
why not tonight?

Life like a
lucid dream
smile again
shine like a star.

You'll make mistakes
but that's alright
being perfect
is reserved for God.

Listen to the
voice of heart
it knows what's wrong
and knows what's right.

Live your life
don't be afraid
go out there
and seize the day.

I woke up
with a little more life
with a little more light
to open up my eyes

and I see you there
and I understand
why I just don't care
about world's problems

'cause all I want is you
and all I need is you
my island of happiness
in the sea of loneliness

You kissed my cheeks
and you kissed my lips
and I must admit
my heart skipped a beat

and I closed my eyes
and see you inside
my own universe
my own paradise

A true story of one Christmas Eve,
when I was fourteen.
I remember the gifts under the tree,
some for my brother,
some for my sister,
some for my mother,
but none of them were for me.

I was disappointed, I must admit.
Never liked Christmas Eve,
but since then I hated it.
I asked mom what will I get,
she said: “You'll get that,
what you will get,
go beg on streets!”

And so I did.
It was not my will,
I was kicked.
Remember the day:
24.12.2006
First night I spent
on the streets.

It was cold,
but not freezing,
at least I think.
I had just shirt, jeans, pants, socks,
but no shoes.
I was shivering.
I was lost and had nothing to lose.

I remember the skin,
turning purple and gray.
My mind was set on one thing,
I need a place to stay.
I found some boxes and a blanket,
I didn't mind the smell.
I made my bed near the garbage cans.

Lying there I watched the stars,
cried eyes out,
was asking God,
the only thing I still don't know,
why?
Why was I brought into this life?
Why I can't just simply die?

It was cold,
and it was bad,
but the worst is yet to came.
Forgive them, Lord,
they know not what they've done.
Forgive them, Lord,
because as sure as hell I can't.

What time
does the darkness
wake up
at night?

To destroy light
with single touch
and take nightmare
as a spouse.

Tiny wires in my head
connect me to the internet
every message and every status checked
so much boring information packed
high-school mate grow a beard
another teenage pregnancy
another model leaving scene
life is so ordinary it seems
meaning slowly disappears
and some words you can't take back
I feel like I should disconnect

Girl,
to me you are a star of the night sky,
you are so far away,
yet, it does not stop me
from feeling the warmth of your company,
from seeing your incredible beauty,
I could write down thousand compliments
and they would still do you no justice
But there are times,
I wish you would fall
down from that sky,
so I would have you all just for me,
I would say to your wonderful eyes,
how special you are,
how much I want you to be happy.
But you are not my sun,
you are not the center
of my universe.
But I wish you to find,
someone to make you his star,
his one and only queen of the universe,
and together you will live
a wonderful fairy tale
happily ever after.

World is trying to drown me
and I want to scream
but my hands are tied down
and my lips are sealed

Your eyes are open
still you fail to see
living in your own world
pain replaced with fantasy

And you are never wrong
and I can't ever stop you
with the vision so strong
you have drowned another

She's dying alone
in a hospital bed
she has five children
but she's all by herself

Her husband is dead
she's on minimal wage
her kids pay a caretaker
so they don't have to care

Screams of other patients
and persilen smell
nurse pushing meat wagon
that is her bed

Disembodied
screaming in pain
she once was a human
but now she is dead

Gentle kiss of sun
woke me up tonight
your arms hold me so tight
I could not move at all

That's alright, my darling,
I already gave my heart to you
That's alright, my darling,
Sleeping in your arms feels so beautiful

I closed my eyes
and I smell your fragrance
I know this is love
My life now makes sense

The night is over
here comes the new dawn
each day we're closer
we'll never be alone

I am not afraid of pain,
it gave me so much, I cannot repay,
it filled the void beneath my eyes -
There once was soul, but was replaced
now its claimed by abyss fall.

I am in no shape to be adored,
I made mistakes, I closed my doors,
but there was light to hold my hand,
show the path and lead the way,
and for all of that I must thank pain.

Never would I ever know,
if I did right, if I did wrong,
only if the sorrow after act would follow
then the answer clear as day, I could regret in my dismay,
If only I could thank my pain.

It feels like a thousand knifes
cutting through my veins
watching the blood stain
crimson crystals of life
all problems fade away
I feel alive!

Deeper and deeper
reaching for soul
deeper and deeper
cutting my throat
no fear of the reaper
my jugular vein.

Razor blades, sleeping pills
bit of methamphetamine
benzos and ketamine
raises the adrenaline
my heart now beats so fast
lets see how long it's gonna last.

I'm fed up with life,
but I'm too scared to die.
How many times I tried?
How many times I missed?

How could I thought you are
the person of my dreams?
I put you on pedestal,
how stupid was that of me?

I just wanted you to know,
that you are the right for me,
but you never showed
any affection to me.

You used me, abused me,
made me play your game.
You knew if you lose me,
I'll never be the same.

You drained me all this time,
until there was nothing left inside,
then filled me with your lies,
until I'm crying when I smile.

Long night winter cold,
it only gets worse as I get old.
Woken up by my own scream,
why do I die in my own dreams?

Why do pills taste so sour?
Why can't I sleep more than hour?
Why it feels this will devour
my last piece of sanity?

Why my mind gets dark at night?
Why my body feels so tight?
Who cut these scars into my thighs?
Am I awake or is it dream?

But what is real?
Just another lie
we tell and believe
it will be alright.

Nightmares kiss you goodnight.

This is no way for the story to end,
you were supposed to complete me,
but there are so many pieces missing, my friend,
I know that is not really your fault,
but where should I begin?

Your stories are so funny,
and you look cute as hell,
but the real inferno is raging on inside you,
and that is a thing that I can never change.

You went silent, you fell apart,
you  looked the other away,
now even if I see you,
I wonder if you are there.

Because the voices keep screaming
because it's so loud
because there were no tears in your eyes
when you said your good bye
because the morning is cold
and so is the evening, the night,

because a thought of you gives me shivers
all the way to the spine
because I don't know if you ever loved me
or if it's all just a lie
because I find you disgusting
and adore you at the same time

because I don't want to talk to you
and I am scared you won't write back
because I want you to hold me
for the last time
because I want you to see me naked
and feel the lust in your eyes

because I want this to be over
because I don't want this to be over
because I know I still love you
because I know I can't stop
because it's killing me
because I want to die

I'm not a fan
of your secrets
and your devotion
why we pretend
if it's not real
there's no emotion

Let's make a plan
another story
of morning glory
I want to live
just let me go
before it's over

Darling, I recommend
your heart's on fire
go out and use it
before you're older
all those fears
will make it colder

Right there and then
I see you smiling
years you've been waiting
that time is over
your arms around his
neck and shoulders

Honey, I know
where this story goes
just one kiss
and you lose control
and it's perfect
and your body knows
and your soul knows
and your heart knows
and your skin knows
and your fingers know
and your eyes know
and your ears know
and your lips know
and you know
and you know
don't let go...

Yes,
I am happy.
For the first time
in a long, long while.
I read her words,
they make me smile,
every **** time,
I can't resist her,
even if I tried.
And I remember
how down I was
the last time,
the time before,
and the time before that.
But I found
how happiness is easy.
Just doing things
I want to do,
the way I want
to do them.
When I wake up,
I know this time,
I have found my sun,
and she shines just for me.

A dove just flew by
it sat on a fence nearby
she is so beautiful
pure and white

I want to reach the sky
as easy as she does
high above tedious lives
of people chained to ground

So I caught her in my arms
tore her feathers
ripped wings apart
but she was still alive

So I took a stone
and crushed her skull
red my lips with her blood
and put her feathers on my coat

I might not be able to fly
but neither can she now
She is such a cruel beast
to turn beauty into cruelty

Such a beauty cannot go
untainted for long
even the prettiest rose
will grow herself some thorns

Luring your naive pray
in your arms, your twisted game
make them stay, and then you slay
the thorns of you will be their end

Welcome to the desert of my soul!
Things once so beautiful
became so rusted as I got old
the journey was long
but I have not reached my goal
so should I keep on...

What is right and what's wrong?
Can you tell even with eyes closed?
What about night terrors,
do you have them too?
The kind that leaves you paralyzed...

Don't you miss the abuse?
The familiar pain of being nothing,
getting hurt makes you feel so good.
You have to hide the scars better,
what will they do if they find out?

There once was an angel on earth
but all the lies and betrayals
turned him into demon
hate is burning inferno
but his heart is so cold

You know I am alright,
I stroll through the wreckage of my heart,
I wish to find survivors of your terrorist attack,
but they all just walked away from me, babe.

You see, they know I am crazy,
they know I am ready for another spin
of this wheelchair madness called life,
another cycle gone, I survived.

You hear me talking and I know I am lost,
I found you and the world is gone, I am blind,
I found you and I know I am asking for pain,
and I am glad I can have you again.

Oh, my dearest madness, my anxiety, my horrors, my deepest regrets, how much I have missed you all, my friends. It has been a long, long time, but be ready, I am coming to stay.

You want to believe your twisted story?
All your sweet talks of love
all those words you got
you prepared a trap
and you played me like a fool!
I was dancing as you pulled
but those strings are broken
and they shall never grow back
for you to pull them again!

I know the comfort of words
my dear angel
it feels so nice and comfy
to be wrapped in the silk of your lies!
Others might think you're a God
but I can see right through
there's a Devil in you!
You are good at disguise
but you are evil inside!

Behind those trickster eyes of yours
behind the fake smile is Hell's open door
Somehow right from the start
you knew I go bellow my price
and you ****** the life out of me
So, go,go,go!
I want you to be gone
I don't want to see you again
go back to Hell!
Farewell, "my friend"

I am spinning aimlessly
in this endless universe
it makes me so sick
I am cold

Heart that knows sorrows
beaten and crushed
soul skin thick
I am alone

World of only bleak colors
worn out words
so unkind
I die.