How was your dream
your sweetest fantasy
your new found reality
within limits of surreal

Have you found Alice
when she was just small
and the puffs of caterpillar
push you down the rabbit hole

How holy are you
when you reach for the clouds
your body is fluid
your soul is free

I see you dancing in your words
and I see you smiling too
I hear the music of your life
that brought me to you
and into the night
carried by Pegasus
to reach the stars
those distant memories
until you fade out
a wonderful reverie

I remember the day
we met the first time.
You shined like sun,
with your beautiful smile.
I knew I was in for a ride
and we started to fly.

Caroline,
you fueled my life
like gasoline.
With sparkles in your eyes,
you lit me up.
Now I am burning down.
God, I am burning out.

I don't know when we started,
but I know we were
falling down.
We were so closed
and yet we split apart,
tearing our hearts!

For God's sake,
Caroline!
Now I am so weak,
that I weep,
when I say your name,
Caroline!

So, do you hate me now?
Because I know, I can't.

I count the clouds in the sky
moving ever so slowly
up, up and above they are
and now the sky is clear
and I can see the moon
and I can think about
how beautifully it shines
and how lucky I am to be here
It is a bright, warm summer night
and I feel alive

I count the raindrops
hitting my bedroom window
slowly sliding down
down into this dark night
and the sky is clear
and I can see the stars
and I can think about
how beautiful they are
and how barely alive am I
It is such a dark, cold sleepless night
and I feel nothing

I am so sorry
for all that needless worry
just the hourglass of life
is now turned upside down

But is it the top
or is it the bottom
and what difference
it makes to me?


How sinful to live
how sinful to speak
how sinful to breathe
how sinful to even exist

There is nothing in this world
pushing me forward
but so many things
dragging me down

I can feel my head
just spinning around
the life goes on too fast
so I am still in the past

What goes around
then goes away
and never comes back
leaving only scars

We send rockets to Mars
and bombers to Paris
we have love in our hearts
and fears to tear it

The lessons of life
cold, hated, unkind
until we become
another man

My heart, you are not allowed
to go out for a long time,
I yet have to recover
from things that you've done.

Another light went dark
so I am even more alone at night
they ended their suffering
will I end mine?

The body is a sickness
life is a disease
how long I have to suffer?
When will I be released?

Heart heavy like a stone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
like I’m somewhere I belong

Walking in circles
the mist has covered my eyes
walking in circles
passing by the truth and the lies
walking in circles
directions direct the past
walking in circles
I am nowhere to be found
walking in circles
and I am not moving at all.

This is not the beginning
or the end
of a life-long journey
it is a meaningless act
a silent scream
like a rain
knocking on a window
before it breaks
or a rib cage so tight
it disallows breathing
how far can you fall
if you lay on a ground beaten
so take your dull wits to play
in hall of colorful emotions
you have no reason to stay
on a day of fine frenzy

I tried so hard
to make you feel love
but all that you do
is that you pump blood

Do you really want
your body to be covered in scars
for the rest of your life?

The burn that iron gives me,
the pain that makes me feel,
may the god forgive me,
I shall worship the steel.

Until my blindfold rises,
no-one will hear my screams,
no-one will cure my madness,
no-one will soothe my spleen.

By vultures I'm surrounded,
a vulture will I became,
a heartless, cruel, monster,
the twisted and decayed.

The cracks in the mirror show how broken I really am,
under the cover of skin lives a skeleton,
unable to bear emotions of man.

It am not me, I just see who I became,
I just silently watch, how I'm falling from grace,
I have become him and I know him too well.

He knows no love, knows not how to care,
knows no kindness, just stare in his eyes,
you'll see the emptiness.

I kicked and I screamed and I still became him,
I wish to be free, but I know I have sinned,
now for rest of my days, I will be him.

Three days a week, I drink myself to sleep,
Three days a week, I cry myself to sleep,
Today I know there will be no sleep.

I'm just a heap of flesh,
caged in a madhouse,
executed, electrified,
spitting in the face of God
in white suit,
dancing with Satan.

Seduced and sedated,
chained to my bed.
Hallucinating heaven,
hiding from hell,
and the seraphs strike again
with a fiery blade.

Down on my knees I fell,
breaking my own back
to become “human,”
soulless, faceless, thoughtless.
Without brain, insane,
I transcend.

Imprinting soul in these walls,
painted with blood.
With nails writing on doors
stories of past.
Where are they taking me?
No! Just stop!

Fourteen attempts of death
was not enough
to get me out.
They chained my mind
to this prison of dark
'till death do us part.

He watches her and grins
But she has an eye on her ring
they got a few drinks
not enough to change her mind
things are calm
until she sips
from her own cup of denial
she bites her lip
waiting for the orchestra to start
and her body was like a canvas
where he composed his best masterpiece
her fingers trembling with desire
but her mouth unable to speak
when he touched her skin
he sparked a fire
that brought her to the peak
as it brought him to his knees
to fulfill her lustful needs
and you can hear the storm raging
until it drowns in the ocean
earthquake of joy
to bury devotion

I am your fear deep inside
I know all you try to hide
I know your weakness,
your doubts!
I speak when you speak,
when you sleep I rise.

Your darkest fantasies,
won't be worse than reality
that's about to come.
You tried to hide from me,
thought some pills will make me run,
but honey, you and me are one!

I see you understand,
your mind's falling apart,
all your friends left,
with them sanity and pride,
but you know I will stay,
until the end of your miserable life.

You see, I was never wrong.
How long ago I advised you to die?
Still you insisted on learning more,
well, was there anything worth going on?
You were a failure at everything,
you just wasted air by breathing.

Your “friends,” or what were they called?
Just used you, hurt you and then let go.
How grotesque – you believed them!
How they laughed behind your back!
You tried to appease them,
you never had any spine.

Accept it, you were never loved.
Not by your mother, lovers of friends.
In the end, there was nobody who cared.
All that air, you wasted breathing.
Should you decide to die tonight,
there will be no one who will cry.

Try to make this one thing right,
don't be a burden to everyone,
they are tired of pretending,
don't you see? They want you to end it.
Do you want to suffer more,
or all of it to be gone?

There is nothing to be feared,
or if there is, I will be near,
Should your hand be rather shaky,
remember it's ending aching.
If you think, there is some hope,
just remember how it all went wrong.

Don't fight me, I'm not your foe,
I'm a friend, dearest of them all.
You know how to free your soul
from this prison of your own.
Death is nothing wrong,
just free yourself and go!

Standing on a cliff
the sea is vast open
waves whispering softly
drifting seashells come ashore
lost their purpose
lost their homes
but still beautiful
so beautiful and empty
sharing the tale of love
how it all starts
and what will we become
how all will be forgotten
everything lost
so I will become nothing
just dust drifting in the air
so peaceful and one with the universe

I was born alone
There was no mother to love me
and no father too
I was held in cold hands of the nurse
and then they cut the only connection
that I had to my family

At that very moment I was forsaken
denied the right to love in this earth
all I will ever know is hate
I shouldn't have existed
shouldn't have wasted air
to my family I was born dead.

I breathe your soul
it tastes like fire
in my mouth
a burning halo
around your head
devil or prophet
who cares?

Piece of Eden
down on Earth
life on speeding train
coast to coast
valley to mountains
all in your head
who cares?

I remember the feeling
so long ago
I thought it was lost and forgotten
as I have no records of it
I made sure to destroy anything
that could have reminded of it
but it is more sinister
than I would ever imagine
like a black hole
all consuming
like a black hole
that shadows all light
like a black hole
that drains you of life
and I thought I had escaped
only to be drawn to it
with ever increasing force
that felt like tearing me apart
when I tried to put up a fight
and I have lost
and I have lost so much
and I feel it became the center of my universe
and I feel it slowly eating it away
and I fear it is the only thing holding it together
I have lost
There is no escape.

It seems that the eternal night
has covered my mind
I'll be consumed
in the morning there'll be nothing left.

All these words
left me speechless
betrayed again
I'm mad

I believed at least
they will last
that I will create something
that changes the world

I dream

Just a few more drops of this acid rain
and then I promise to never be the same
words are evil disguise for crimes yet unspoken
you love me now, but you love me more when I am broken

I don't deserve much of an apology
because it hurts even more with every letter you spoke
I want to be free but I am too tired to let go
this night I will sleep in your merciless grip

You persuade me,you made me do all this
I thought I was a king, but I was only a slave to you
with clean cuts you destroyed my pride
with joy you watch as I destroyed my own dignity

But now I see everything clear
I stare into your face and you smile, I see the sparkle in your eyes
you smile because you know I know and still can do nothing
with joy you crushed me in your arms

There was once a fire inside me
It was burning so bright but you turned me into ashes
and you forced me to choke on my own smoke
and now you are all that is left of me.

This is a night
so cold and dark
even if the sun
shines so bright outside
my fear gives me a blindfold.

I hear the voice scream
pointing out my inability
laughing at my weaknesses
humiliating me for insecurity
criticizing relentlessly my every mistake.

I am slave to its tyranny
every word I say is twisted
and put back into my mouth
I don't give up without a fight
so I can hurt myself even further.

I let it grow
Let it spread like a cancer
eating away at my life, my soul
and every hope I had is crushed
under the weight of this dark, dark twisted mind.

But I will walk on
this path that leads nowhere
I can go on, blinded, torn apart
take this rotten body, take this thing called pride
I can live in sewers, I can count my days and nights.

When this hell is over
I can walk with head up high
I know I tried my hardest
I fought and I survived
until the sun will rise...

Words lost all their meaning today it seems
they became a shadows of the yesterday's dreams
it seems that all whats left is abundantly clear
never greet another day and confess all my sins

I know you have your hand in this you beast
today you add another scratch into your wrist
I hear your smile while my conscious disappears
You know I never wanted, never wanted this.

Silent snake,
hissing his venomous lies,
like flames they burn me inside,
and reduce me to ashes.

As I sit by this candle with a glass of wine
I look through the window and into the dark
few flickering street lights, stars high above
I am out there with them I am loosing my calm
so tired and sleepless
thoughts run wild through my mind
and their screams so violent and loud
like if I torture them by not letting them out
I feel them scratching on the inside of my skull
and I know if they could they would rip it apart
and I would let them!
but all I can do is sigh
mumble uncontrollably words I barely recognize
there is a horrible gap between my whispers and their cries
the voice is not enough
give me a pen, a piano, a brush
let me silence the storms inside my mind
let me write it all down, with my soul and my blood.

Sometimes
the words speak to themselves,
the language, that I can't understand,
whispers, that I can barely hear,
until silence consumes it,
and I will disappear.

Can someone explain to me
why is it that I can't see?
Why are my eyes
drowning in my fears?

Sleep, sleep, sleep
darkness come to me
embrace me, speak to me
why am I so lonely?

Let me burn in the pyres
I can't stand this cold
let me go, just let me go
please..

The night is long
I feel so cold
my body shivers
out of control

I feel so bad
the voice in my head
makes me scream
so loud

Make it stop!
Don't throw me out!
I don't want to sleep on street!
It's too cold outside, mom, please!

I just realized
that even memories
can torn my heart
give sleepless night

Why...
it opened scars
I thought they were
long forgotten

The painful truth that serves you well
all the rules that breaks your will
and make you the servant
of long dead men

Someone smiles and wished you well
but in the end they all pretend
compassion is inhumane crime
Masters tell what's worth your time

They sent letters green and white
the more you have the more they got
the less you have the lesser man
these worthless creatures they can't stand

Worship your masters and things they gave
pursuit those letters night and day
they are the things that make life fair
they are the things that make you man

It's hard to accept this,
but it is the truth,
I can pretty much sum up my life
with a series of really bad comedy sketches.
Yes, my life is not never ending stream
from conception until this very moment,
no, it's much more like a night sky,
pitch black darkness,
with moments of bright light.

These moments of flashes
burn so wild and bright,
too painful to remember,
but forget them I can't.
It hurts,
God, it hurts so bad.
Mother, I cannot forgive,
I just can't.
Here it comes
again...

No matter where I am,
it will take me away,
back to the moments
that I can't stand.
I am in my lecture,
trying to understand the secrets
of works written so far away, so long ago,
I wish I was there,
not here.

I am sitting there,
and I am in the bathroom,
I look in a mirror,
and I look so bad,
with my wrists cut open,
and there is blood everywhere,
and I am crawling on the kitchen floor,
beaten,
and every muscle aches.

And I am sitting in the living room,
where my mother is trying to explain,
what the freaking looser I am,
that I **** her life like some vampire,
that her life was ruined because of my existence,
that she wishes I was dead,
and I am sitting there,
in my lecture,
trying to fight the tears back.

My life is just flashes of light and darkness pitch black.

I have never seen anyone
quite like you before.
Someone so beautiful,
intelligent and kind.

Yet you were there,
changing my life.
You had become
my brightest star.

You are the thing,
that makes me wake up,
that makes me go on,
even put on a smile.

But what was the truth?
What was the lie?
You said how you miss me,
then kissed me good bye.

Truth hides in a bottle of wine,
at the very bottom of the last glass,
You never existed
and neither do I.

So let me be forgotten,
dig me a grave for insecurity,
let me be nothing,
betray me in need.

I'm tired of your stories,
my darling, my friend,
I want you to hold me
you want me to fail
simple excuses
put nails in my hands

Joy from hurting
you selflessly share
you send all those pictures
to your most twisted friends
even if I wanted to
I know I can't escape

I hear you screaming
the voices in my head
clawing your own way
to heaven, to hell
you say its over
when it never began?

The curse of the flesh
can be lifted in death
but I sold my soul
there is nowhere to go
the darkness of days
my life is a maze

I lost my way
I fail if I can
I feel so cold now
I want you to hold me now
just hold me now..
this is the end.

Sometimes
between a word and a heart-attack
the voice plays a tune in my head
it is low and mesmerizing
it captivates me till the end
and releases my soul
like a bird of prey

So powerful
and yet so calm
will you carry me over?
to leave all these things behind
and watch me slowly become
somebody else

It is sadness
when the falling rain
is just broken shower head
and your filth and stain
goes down the drain
and it leaves you speechless

It seems that like a bubbles
the echoes of life roam around
why do I remain untouched?
Truth is painfully obvious
only beautiful flowers
are picked up to die

Diluted feelings of what once was
Detached from the reality of the usual
Drained from wishes of possibilities
Truth is painfully obvious
Every God forsaken day I die
a little more inside.

It's getting dark
and harder to breath
the air from my lungs
is escaping me
just breathe out
I can't breathe in
one thousand needles
piercing me
the vision is blurry
the sound is all deaf
I feel like this moment
will be my death

Where am I and Why I'm here?
I hear the voices calling me
miles away, beneath the sea
whisper, whisper in my ear.

Don't listen to those words too sweet
they only want you to be deceived
they have poison on their tongue
and with lies they filled their lungs.

Do not fallow the way they show
it leads to place of eternal void
in abyss they will let you fall
and out of there you cannot go.

How I wish
for you to go
away now
into nothingness
back into darkness
where is the light?

Nothing!
I am blind and deaf and
I die!
What is left inside me,
if you take away the heart?

Sleepless,
mumbling your name
all night in my cries.
I wish I could say you good bye.

Bloodless,
as I see it drop on the floor,
take it all, I need it no more.

Meaningless,
you come and go as you want.

I like my knife sharp, you have won.

I am so alone
I feel like in a crowd
of unfamiliar faces
their long stares - so dark
and empty too
empty people
in empty rooms
in empty apartments
and I try to reach out
but there is nothing too
so I fall
and I crawl
and carry on
nothing can be shown

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

Are you with me?
Can you hear the voices?
Do you hear them roaming,
crawling in the dark!

I hope you see me,
I hope you see them eating me,
you left me lonely, broken
now they keep me company!

Hey you, **** me!
Hey you, add into my scars!
Hey you, monster, stronger!
I can't feel a thing tonight.

I can feel them touch my skin.
I fire of thousand sun is burning.
They can't control their lust.
Soon they all see just what I think is fun.

You made me believe.
Believe that I'm something I'm not.
Now you break free,
and I am crawling in the dark.

Your nails in my skin,
making me bleed.
You bite me so hard,
now, that is what I like.

I hate you so bad,
makes me sick to look at you.
You are a monster! Monster!
***, please, tear me apart.

Out on the sea
ship passing
through storm
echoes of thunder
lightning illuminates
fears so vivid

More words will not help me
in curing my insanity,
they had become so empty.
I'm in a maze with no exit.

You were the hand holding my pen,
It's over, don't bother with pity.
My life is held by a few paper clips
and you still think that's what I wanted.

Go away!
I'm not OK.
I'm not OK.
I'm not OK.

Nothing feels like home
a whole new world
when you close the door
and lay down on the carpet
staring at an empty wall
wish for it to break the silence
and you drown yourself in salt
and suffocate yourself with a pillow

Days and years may pass
but you are still strong in your fortress
nobody can breach the walls
you are alone in eternal darkness
emptiness tied your tongue
and mercy have you blinded
sill nobody noticed you are gone
nobody will notice when you die here.

I need to **** myself inside.
Just drinking this bottle to be sterilized.
Feels great not to feel.
To be completely numb.

I am all ****** up inside.
God, I need someone to ****.
Just a complete stranger.
No strings attached.

Am I drunk enough?
Good, lets get this started right now!
Don't really care if blonde or brown.
I think I see her smoking at the bar.

"Hello, princess!
What a pretty dress!"
(and awesome *******,
8 out of 10, I guess)

"Did someone ever told you
how beautiful your eyes are?
Bright and yet so dark,
like streetlights at night."

Her tongue touched her lips,
another shot of absinth,
lets get some ***** mixed in,
wrecked, like I've never been.

"Boy, you know how to play the game,
lets have a smoke outside" and we went,
half insane with lust, bit afraid.
Drowning in stupidity of youth.

We smoked ***, cigars,
talked about gods, religion,
wars, crimes, lies,
electric chair, death...

Trials, nights, dreams,
our bodies touched,
nightmares, blues, insanity,
we ******.

Right there,
behind someone's car,
under the stars,
screaming in ecstasy.

Like in some surrealistic film,
went into a public toilet,
the smell of **** and ****,
the smell of her filterless cigarettes...

We went to my place,
wanting to **** again,
and again, and again,
endlessly, until we die or faint.

Her naked, trembling, sweating body,
graced by night, graced by all saints.
I scratched her back, bite her neck,
inside, she's all wet.

We danced like mad,
hearts beating fast,
dissolving into each other,
taking the final breath.

The last hug of love,
that never existed,
last kiss in the dark,
and I will leave you there.

I woke up, vomiting.
Feeling so cold, dead.
Took a shower to wash it all away.
All, the memories, kisses and sins.

Counting the scratches,
remembering wild flashes
of yesterday's coma,
tears, tearing heart.

Last night,
fire was burning bright,
but like the cigarette's ash
we fall apart.

There will be no calls,
no pretentious drama of love,
no fading away back into the night,
No nothing, get lost!

Silence.
Silence in my heart.
Because you were there
and now it's empty.
Hold me,
please, hold me...

It's endless,
It was gone,
now it's back,
scratching chambers of my heart,
digging holes in my soul.
It's a game over.

No more lives left.
I want to live
no more.
All the choices I made,
it's all ending today.
Game over.

On which side of the barricade
did you put yourself?
You hide behind lies
and pretend to be betrayed

In reality, you paint your world
the colors you want
and give it the furniture
and some decorations

And I choose love
love, mercy and caring
because that is the world
that I want to see.

These pills should make me feel better?
(Or should they just make me feel?)
All they do is make me sleepy.
All I want is sleep
and I can't,
'cause all I can is think.

And what burden is the thinking,
with no start and no stop.
It filled my head to a point of breaking
and I think it already broke.
'cause all I do
is think of you.

I wake tired,
(if I wake at all)
it's these pills,
how many
is too many?
I think I had too few.

Good night.

Standing on the edge of the roof
staring into the abyss
wishing it eats me
just a leap of faith holds me here

And the weight of virtues
is heavier than vices
and brings me down
I lay on ground

Flight was short
forsaking what is sacred
but it's all worth it
for a peace of mind.