the person that reflected back in the mirror
wasn’t the same person she used recognize
she turned into a stranger
when she spoke the voice that came out
was different
the clothes that she wore didn’t rest right on
her bones.
though she was unfamiliar with figure she saw
everyone around her could see the transformation she made.

questioning how she got this way.
but knowing that she could only grow from there.

my mistakes have been haunting me
they begin to cover me like a rain storm
when i've forgotten my umbrella
and i can't find my car keys while digging in
the bottom of my leather purse
its drowning me
all over
but i can still breathe

its pathetic how you could let me
lay here without trying to save me
i’m cold and scared
but this is what you wanted.
you wanted me too be empty
and soon there will be
a void in my chest
soon you can cut
deeper into me
and harvest whats left.
i won’t scream now
because I'm lacking breath
your hands never left a
mark when
i was full of blood
but if you could see
the inside my brain
the damages
had been done.

when do i miss you the most?
when the air conditioner is freezing cold?
or i just burnt breakfast because i got caught up kissing you good morning ?
or when i can't let go of you and its 11:30am and we've already missed the chance to get donuts at the drive thru?
I never thought i'd actually miss you.

the room was empty but it was filled with boxes of our things.
my hopes and dreams for us,
your secrets and lies.
you kept them taped up tight,
and every month that passed by you began to unbox them
one at a time.

i couldn't figure out what was worse
smoking or loving you
either one would turn my lungs black
and stop my heart eventually

i'm afraid to see the dentist
it isn't the drill
or the long needle
that presses into your gums
that terrifies me
its the numb
for so long i couldn't feel a thing
but it finally wore off one day
and i don't want to know
that that feels like anymore

you knew i could take care of them
i could nurture them
you orphaned your demons
at the doorstep of my soul
now they’ve started their chaos inside of me

- i can’t adopt them

its throbbing inside my soul
like a tooth ache.

- wanting to love you again

I’ve swam the seven seas, till I almost drown.
I’ve broken my heart so many times that I finally lost count.
I’ve lost my way somewhere beyond the trees.
If you could help me find it….
I’m looking for peace.

I was missing a few pieces
But every time you tried to
Glue them back on me
They would fall off
And shatter

for the longest time,
my pillow case was
the only one who
saw me cry.

how do i pick my poison?
when loving you, and leaving you
are both equally toxic.

you said its what you needed.
what the doctor had ordered.
picked it up from the pharmacy.
it would ease the discomfort,
aches, pains, soreness,
and finally you would
feel yourself again.
after all the years of suffering,
you could finally love me right.
but i don't recall doctors prescribing
whiskey in a prescription bottle.

as i dangled
as i danced
i no longer could use my voice
nor my own breathe
i was your puppet
on a string
and you controlled every
part of me

did i get too close?
did i feel just like home?

was i turning into something that you hate?
did my face, or name not feel the same?

i bought the brightest colors of bandages from the drug store,
i put them all over the the scrapes you left on my skin.
i wrote on top of them with a sharpie.
all the words you said, so everyone knows why i’m hurt.

you crept in my window
in the middle of the night
to steal all i had
right from me
nothing left in sight
place your hands around my
mouth
and now i can't breathe
the loneliness has robbed me
of everything

i picked a rose today.
off a bush
that sits underneath
my childhood window.
the thorn poked into my skin.
i watched as the blood started to trickle
down my finger.
i stood there and pondered.
which one holds the most beauty?
the rose that i just picked,
that will be put into a jar and wilt away?
or the blood spewing out of my finger
as a reminder that i’m still alive.

i left my happiness out for too long
its beginning to rot away.
i've forgotten how to put it up,
so its just turn to decay.
maybe i should have preserved it.
and never walked away.
but now forever gone,
and i'm the only one to blame.

They remind us of the past
They remind us of the pain
They remind us we can heal
They remind us we have a future

scars

maybe the hesitation that ached below my skin
when i met you, was something i shouldn't have ignored.

you left a bad taste on the tip of my tongue
i've been tripping off the high
you left in lungs

and i'm swallowing stardust
i'm feeling numb
my heads higher than the clouds
cause i finally found the one

state of you
i've moved to a new state
the one in my mind
they call it missing you
every night i drive by buildings
i look above the doors
addresses are nailed to the walls
the numbers are made up of significant dates that
meant something to us
the billboards i pass are full of
old pictures of our memories
and the stop lights are every color
that made up your eyes

Strawberries fields
Pastel flower bloom
March April May
What did you do?
Honey bee sting
Love bug flu
Tie dyed blankets
I’m not over you
Green Grass blades
Cloud like zoo
Sweet oxygen
Lollipop ooze
Finger paint me
Like the sunsets do

Watermelon
Swallow seeds
Spring, Summer, lucid dreams
Fighting demons
While I sing

Sunburn hypocrisy

every time i see you, it's like looking into the sun
- it hurts

i took off into an unknown place
two lane roads fade into a daze
the earth is painted with rust
and grey
my face is fresh without clay
the freckles take up the spaces where your finger tips
once laid and the wild flowers be me to stay

I used to panic at the thought of never hearing your voice again
I’d go back and replay voicemails with my headphones in until I feel asleep, because I never wanted you to leave from my memory

you’ve stolen so much of my soul,
i’m still trying to remember who i was

I’m tired of waiting for tomorrow.
Will tomorrow be a better day?
Who’s to say tomorrow won’t be as dark
as yesterday.

you're not the author of this story anymore.
i threw away all of your pens and paper
so now if you want to continue to write
you’ll have to use your own blood to continue
to make our memories permeant.
***** your finger with a rose thorn
and let it gush out into a tea cup.
i hope it throbs because I still do.
swallow the knots in your throat
when you start to smear the crimson blood
onto papers because you know its not enough to
write how much you hate my guts.
You’ll have to keep pricking your finger until
it’s shriveled up like prune and it begins to ache deeper.
so you make deeper cuts in other places that you shouldn’t
and it keeps draining the blood from your body and it’s still not enough.
keep trying to convince everyone that i’m the reason
why your bleeding out cause I took away the the pens and paper.
but they don’t know my side of the story because I’m still writing it.
and when it’s all said and done at the end of the day,
your the one with blood still on your hands.
finger-paint the sadness since you can’t try to be a man.

you’ll finally get help and claim that your fine
but someone needs to convince me that i’m still alive.

my body went into shock
it was like watching a terrible
accident happen right before my eyes
my adrenaline is pumping
my heart is racing
i feel like i've lost all control
sick to my stomach
something i can't quite comprehend
or make sense of

-watching you love someone else

my nightstand is full of unread books, lavender candles and leather journals.
i like to keep books beside my bed because i would like to read someone else's outlook on life instead of writing about my sorrows.

my body has been aching
it feels worse than the flu i had
when i was a 10 year old child
lifeless and limp
food doesn’t taste the same
my face is starting to look different
its settled into my veins now
and i’m not sure i’ll recover

- you're the virus in my body

its summer
4th of July
our 2 year old is in her wading pool
my husband is grilling
i'm sitting next to my child
she looks just like her father
eyes and all
you laugh because
she looks nothing
like you at all
everything you've wanted is right in front of you
you prayed long hours at night for these things
you waited
then you woke up
all alone in a queen size bed
all to yourself
a lump in the back of your throat has now formed
why?
i have no right to be upset about a dream
but i was so close to having these things
now its haunting me while i sleep

we waltz in perfect time at the end of the line

back and forth

swaying

with a face full of smiles

with a heart full of ache

that the music will soon be over

and so we will.


but just for an extra moment
i get to hold you near me.

what is love
love is a best friend to dry the tears of todays struggles.
love is stirring the pancake batter while making breakfast together.
love is getting entirely lost on our first road trip.
love is the first fight over something so irrelevant you can't remember why you started to fight.
love is 2am playing card games with each other
while listening to classic rock and drinking beer.
love is a slow dance in the hallway on the way to bed.
love is you.

keep whispering
piercing promises
until my ears started to bleed
make me believe
make me believe
you won't ever leave

maybe it will never change

maybe we will still be flowers on the side of the road

still no place to call home

but still flowing in our veins is the wildness and adventure that

we’ve always known to be

we would be gleaming with vivd colors.

still trying to survive


the droughts
the rains
the storms
the heat
the wind
the bitter cold

when winter comes along, and someone doesn’t stop to pick you next and we will be left

to wilt

forgotten

something once so beautiful and fragile

now lifeless and limp.

r. Powell

I thought seeing you would help me heal.
I’m currently trying to patch up the wounds I just reopened.

loving you was indeed a car crash
you hit me so hard i could feel the glass shards
of my heart shattering all around me
i could feel the pieces sticking into my skin
you left me with broken bones and dents

i was angry
how did they not care for you
the innocent boy with blonde hair
blue eyes and
crooked teeth
listening to the worst stories my ears have ever heard
the new towns, new homes, new schools
living in fear
at such a young age
you never had a permeant place to call home
until you met me