I still remember
How you held
my hand
On your chest

I remember how you
Made me feel comfort
For my first time
With another

I asked you to take me
You asked if i was sure
I said yes
You obliged

Afterwards i didnt know
How to be
So i layed alone
Until you held me

Thank you
For making sure
I didn't feel
Used

I'm not mad at you
Becuase i knew
I'm simply
Afraid

To lose what i had
With you
I'm so insecure
But i can't be sincere

It was only
A hookup
I was warned
Many a time

Yet it happened again
So it left my mind
I want to keep you
Over the weekends

When they are over
You can go about
But you're being taken
From me

Like everyrhing else is
Why must she be here
She's ruining my get away
I don't like her

I'm sure that's wrong
It's becoming a blur
My mind hurts so much
I just want some companionship


  Please
Don't take it away from

Me

Green peace and trees
Orange leaves and sun
Following the blonde strands
Whisping along

Deep reds and purples
Blue mystic lakes
Diving into brunette silk
Marching forward

Friendship and tears
Trust built into love
Bonding a legend
No man could ****

Dragons and ancient tongues
Wars and proud kings
Deep into crimson red
Flowing royal death

Secrets and mysteries
The future and the past
Destiny and youth
Tied around your heart

The love of a man
The tears of a loss
Broken soul holding on
To a gold warrior
Ever so strong

Bittersweet as a broken heart
Like friends who grew a part
Keep it inside your soul forever more
Just don't let the sadness keep you
On the floor

I look at my scars
Darkend on my skin
Like spilled ink on paper

They're barely noticeable
Similiar to myself
holding deeper wounds
Only seen as an ingnifiant mark

I hate myself
Too much to be sad
Over scars from past
Im still making new ones

My body wasn't made to last
My mind made sure
So deeply insecure
I promise no-one sees

Always forgotten
Until i open a new one
What have they become
But a reminder

Im a broken window
Everyone sees right through
Tape over the whole
And ignore the shattered parts

My scars arent enough
To signify my pain
They don't scare anyone
Theyre too plain

Endless void of choking
Choking on life
Since I swallow it
No-one cares what's left inside

You may stay scars
I won't hide you
I'll just ignore you
Like everyone does me

I always wondered
Who will I be at 21
My young eyes thought
I would really be someone

Now i ask
Why am i still alive
Im 21 but hate myself
Dissapointed my young eyes

Call myself a gypsy
Always moving around
I don't want to be lost
I want to be found

All these years I held on
To my destined age
I thought 21 would be me
Yet I'm locked in the same cage

Lying about who i am
Because i have to settle
For what i can get
I'm tired of the battle

I want love
And respect
I want friends
It doesn't have to be perfect

I want a home
And balance
I need warmth
Like a white picket fence

I don't want boring
Or captivity
I hate unsteady
And high difficulty

When will something
Stay with me
Give me peace
And my sanity

Romance is dead
Jump in my bed
We'll have some fun
Til I'm finally dead

Why won't anyone
Love me

Why won't anyone
Care for me

I give so much
And recieve none

I can't stop crying
No use trying

No one wants me
I know
I won't ask you to

I just want to know
Why

I am so ******* tired
Of being sad
Tired of trying
With everything i have

Tired of living
Just to cry
Please god
Let me die

My tears came
From being alone
Now theyre here
For reasons unknown

Waking up everyday
Just to lay in bed
Dreading life away
Scared of what's ahead

It's so dark
I can't see a future
All i know is pain
Why is life such torture

Why do i fear death
How can it be worse
Then living this solem life
To breathe is a ******* curse

My suffering is on repeat
Isolated and alone
I tried to break free
Eternal hell I've been shown

God writing these words
Makes me sick
All it does
Is slow down my fit

I could never convey
The endless hell
Why do i even bother
In trying to tell

Someone ******* shoot me
Since i can't do it myself
I'm a nobody don't worry
You won't go to hell

For killing me
Wouldn't be sin
No-one would care
As I die with a
Grin

where am I going
I do not know
What do i want
All i feel is woe

Am i a fiery warrior
Or a pretty princess
Am i soft poetry
Or something unknown to me

What are my goals
I can't figure out
What's my dream
All i feel is doubt

Am i a free spirited owl
Or a early morning rooster
Am I the reds and oranges of autumn
Or the blooming spring of freedom

I do not know what defines me
Or who I am
But when someone laughs
Or there is happiness
I feel a spark
Inside this lost heart

Twisting
Turning
Banging
Where's the key

It's no mystery
The mess inside
It's pouring out
I want to hide

Breaking
Pushing
Screaming
Lock it up

Make it shut up
Keep the door closed
clawing it's way through
In fear my mind froze

Piercing
Throbbing
Screeching
Bolt it down

It's breaking my crown
Should i end it's life?
I can't find the key
Maybe death will stop this strife

I like it
The feeling
Of you inside
Me

I want it
The heart beat
Against
Me

I feel filthy
naked with you
On top
Me

I desire it
You moaning
Pleasures into
Me

I used to be inoccent
How boring
I hated
Me

I like being
Naughty
Why don't you spank
Me

I'll call you
Daddy
While everyone else hates
Me


God please
Just
****
Me

the more i grow
The more i see
Myself i know

Is disgusting

Never did i realize
Just how dark
The pain is in these eyes

It's disturbing

Finding myself
I want to stop
Can i be someone else

I'm a freak

Everything i hated
Never would i dare
Now it makes me elated

Soon I'll burn

I never was pure
Everyone insisted
I wanted to be sincere

Maybe i don't care

I'm selfish
I want to do this
It gives me small bliss

How sick

It's wrong
Others are hurt
Make the voices be gone

The sun never shines for me

Some flowers grow
Yellow Some White
Every flower is different
But most all need the light

Weeds are picked
Said to be bad
They were just trying
With what they had

Some flowers grow
Tall
Taller then any others
They may be afraid to fall

Some plants produce
Fruit and vegetable
That being their purpose
Others may think that questionable

Many plants are damaged
Petals falling off and dying
These types dont sell often
But hell are they trying

Seeds may fly
Taking roots anywhere
Afraid of where they'll go
Others stay claiming its unfair

There are so many
Different plants and flowers
Trying to categorize them all
Is kind of a disaster

My lips are dry
With no lover
To fix the burn

I lay alone to yurn
Maybe alcohol
Will keep me warm

Dress up your depression
Stockings and lipstick
Dancing and music

No it's all scattered
A mess everywhere
Just keep shedding tears

Mask your pain
With ***** and ***
Clubs and latex

No you're too sheltered
Poor and locked away
Openly showing ugly shame

Take it as a specialty
Write pretty plays and poetry
Make meaning for your suffering

No you have no talent
Give up and sleep all day
end it all can't hide the pain

Fairies are beautiful
Green and sparkling
Free and flying

Fires are dangerous
Burning and soaring
Disastrous and deadly

Fairies and fires dont mix
Both can't fit in one soul
Let me sparkle as i burn you whole

Lust and sin
Beauty with a grin
Everything i am is the devil

Give me the torch
I'll set you to scorn
In a fire with your horns

Watch me drop the torch
I'll burn with you
I'm disgusting too

Anger thrashes heavily
Selfishness sins in secret
Darkness i must protect

Too afraid to let it out
Dark shadows within skin
Screaming to let swim

Different on the outside
Not fairie nor fire
Just evil with desire

Broken girl
Empty world
Repeating these words

My hearts been half alive
Except when we three collide
Sunshine and rain we thrived

The noise is drowning
The smiles are frowning
Loneliness is pounding

Breaking inside
You try to hide
My heart just can't deny

The bowl is empty now
Tipping without dripping somehow
Until the glass shattered down

You made smoke mirrors
my heart numb with errors
I did not want to feel the terror

The dark hit the sun
I knew i didn't belong
beautiful moments suddenly felt gone

Why must i cry at my joyous past
With you forever it would last
breaking down with pain so vast

I thought my heart to be broken
But a new feeling has awoken
Being fixed is stolen

I'm shattered

Early morning dew
Misty foggy air
Fills my lungs

Chilly unconvered hands
Dripping wet windows
Eases my clogged mind

Puddles in the road
Silent lights dimmed near by
Creates calm in my face

Nostalgia pierced through
Children playing at recess
Easing my eyes back to sleep

Sitting here i ponder
A poem to write with wonder
But the open wounds call my name
I pick them open and let the blood drain

Once i pick there's no going back
I'll keep going until i have an anxiety attack
It gives me sick pleasure to feel the pain
open wounds are  everywhere
i cannot restrain

I want to heal to grow past this
my flesh it calls for the sadistic bliss
scars they harden into my skin
I know I'm no good I let them win

Nothing can stop this eternal hell
like a red ocean into which
i fell

I woke up at 4am crying
I do not know why
I've been screaming all along
There is no meaning!!
It hurts
It hurts
Oh god it always hurts

Sing it with me boys and girls
Everyone sing
It hurts
It hurts
Oh god it hurts

that's all i can ever write
it never ends
Everyday i breathe
im so tired of not being me

I want to be deep
saying something that matters
all that rings in my head
Is the pain
Becuase it hurts
It hurts
Oh god it hurts

How pathetic
I claim to be a poet
Yet write the same ****
About my loneliness
And  misery
I want some chivarly
Stop crying now

Everyone knows it hurts
Write something useful
Soemthing with beauty
No one wants to hear of the cruelty
About how much it hurts
It hurts
Oh god it hurts

Im still crying

Isn't it amazing
How one can fall from Grace
For one person to keep safe

Or how one person
Can never lose faith
Even when it's screaming in his face

They can fight battles
And demons alike
And smile together at the end of the night

Give up every last power
Be weak or strong doesnt matter
And share every laughter

And yet still be unsure
Unsure if the other has affection
Unsure if the other wants their attention

It's right there
As plain as anyone can see
You love eachother so easily

So shout it out loud
Don't let fear take it away
Before you lose another day

This poem might not rhyme
Because i don't know if i have the time
To let all these thoughts out of me

But I want to ask all of you
A question from my heart sincerely i have no clue
What the answer may be

Does it not scare all of you how fleeting life is
That tomorrow you could be gone as fast as pop fizz
why are we all suffering just to die soon

Why don't you take that chance if you're not happy now
Why don't you jump into it even if it's scary now
I'm all alone in this and I fear i always will be

But it confuses me you see
Because i see so many suffer and not get what they want endlessly
Even when i offer it and say lets run away together

They say they can't Theyre afraid
But life is so fleeting it all passes so fast everyday
Why not grab the love you seek

Instead of watching it sink far away
Because you think it might cause this or be an issue for another day
I'm worried you are wasting each precious day that you'll never get back

So why not jump head first without ever looking back?

Late night talks
Of boys that Ive loved in the past
none have ever loved me
Except one boy i thought truly understood me

For once in my life my feelings felt reciprocated
Possibly fell harder then I for them
We spent nights together laughing until dawn
We stayed up smiling all night fighting the yawns

He told me sweet things so casually i always wanted to hear
It wasnt a pickup line he just said how he felt
I felt a touch of this could finally be something for the first time
He made my heart and mind all a mess i could not rhyme

I wasnt afraid to be myself
He enjoyed every aspect of me
each night spent closer then the last
I grew to fall deeper
he made me love myself with all my so called sins

Too afraid to truly let it be
I ran away and hid
Thinking i ruined it all
he seemed to understand and not blame my fall

It was all happening
A real date something only in fantasy
Twas to happen after I confessed myself to him
the nights went by and i felt a sharp pin

My heart filled with worry as the day grew close
He went silent as a complete ghost
I wrote him with a sliver of hope the night before
He casually said nah I'll go with this other *****

Now 8pm feels like 4am
I'm running off of nothing
Dark blood bleeds from my face
twisted thing is I'm too far gone to care this is the way i am

The words are pouring out of me
The thoughts scramble in my head
As i lay in stress in this bed

I'm so deeply depressed
I write this out loud for all to see
And everyone says go seek therapy

It's like a shock when they hear
I am already seeking professional help and couseling
So they assume I'm fine and let the phone just ring

Everyone thinks the gesture of the hotline is good enough
Never stopping to realize i know the number
That's supposed to stop me from my eternal slumber

No one ever thinks
That a simple hug or being around
Could help someone keep their feet on the ground

If once someone could be there and listen while i cry
Just as simple as knowing someones there to comfort me in the dark
It would help me keep a little bit of spark

But I've learned all too well
People are inherently selfish as of late
They can't stop to help you with all that's on their own plate

Now i don't want to be the ***** who thinks she's better then all
Im just saying what i believe to be true
No one has ever stopped to help when I'm deep in blue

Unless i came crying and begging to them
Even then it takes them time before they'll stop to see if I'm okay
Becuase they have more important things then if I'll decide to live another day

I myself am selfish as can be
But i always tried to fight it and stop to help anyone in need
But to expect that from another is what's truly selfish of me

Cold
Shivering
Sad

I don't know the words to say
But i can really feel the gloom from today

Sleeping all day
Never washing my clothes
Skin and hair a mess

I'm fine
I'm fine
Can't whine

Forgetting to eat
Getting sick from all foods
Never changing my clothes

Nothings wrong
Nothings wrong
I must still belong

Staring at walls
Headache won't go away
Putting everything off

It's okay
It's okay
There's other days

Crying while watching tv
Repeating my mistakes in my head
Can't sleep at 4am

Just another day
Just another day
Im used to this anyway