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Juni Notte Jan 2018
You're so **** cute when you smile
And I'm so ecstatic you're still living and breathing
That I can touch your warm skin and feel those lips on mine
Those lips that melt my troubles away
That make me crack that awkward yet bubbly smile you love
You've made me see how pretty I am
I can't look away from you
Nobody else catches my attention
Nobody else catches my eye
Makes me as happy as you do
I could write endless stories about you
About the memories we've made
You mean more than life
I've fallen so hard that it's scary
That with just one sentence we could end
But I have trust in you
I know you won't take my glass heart and let it fall to the ground
I know you'll catch me when I fall
I could never look away from you
Juni Notte Jan 2018
I wanna let you know

that I don't need you no more

That I'm okay

without you

I don't need your chapped lips

scraping against mine

I'm happy

without you

I'm getting by

without you

I don't need your bony fingers

being a trespasser on my body

I just wanted to let you know

I no longer need you

to be able to breathe
I won't listen to your words,
I won't conform to your evil curse.
I know better now.

Yes, sometimes I may look at myself,
And not be so proud,
But you don't offer control;
You only take it.

I don't care if you won't leave me alone,
Because I'll get you away from me,
You don't blind me anymore:
I taught myself you're not what I need.

My door won't be darkened by you anymore,
I won't notice your shadow occasionally waiting.
Instead I'll say goodbye again
And I will stay fine without you.

Though you don't deserve another another contribution
This is
Love from,
Sometimes I'm allowed to eat and it not mean anything.
It can just be food,
Not a definition of unhealthy, healthy, too much, too little.
There doesn't have to be laughing voices
Around the corner of my brain.
I can surely watch the TV without feeling guilty.
Not everything needs to be labelled:
Food can simply be consumed without questioning if it is right;
If it's a bad habit, if I should put up a fight; stop right now; or if regret should take the foods empty place on the plate.
Because it can be okay,
Not questioning is supposed to be positive normality
And if it strays, then it will still be all right to realise that whatever has happened is fine.
I could starve
But I eat instead.
That is said to be a good thing;
It's important; it's - I'm (supposed to be) worth it;
I hear some people call it recovery.
Secretly all I'm doing is laughing,
But there are other people to be thought of
Who care about this more than me.
That's one of the reasons why I just shut it up and eat,
Because anyway for me
It's easier to do that
Than starve or purge consistently.

I couldn't ever 'recover' anyway,
I have no problem
Because they told me I only
Have eating problems.
That angered me,
No it's fine, because it still rips at me.
You wanna see me be fine?
I'll show you if I continue,
But I couldn't because people were keeping me,
Good girl Chloe
And I still want to be.
That's why it felt so wrong,
But now it's more like nothing
Although it happens less
As I get less chances.
I recite the thoughts I pray,
I do so everyday,
Just because I like to think
The others will go away.

I thank the Lord for being healthy,
For my body being capable,
I'm pleased that my system's stable.

This is so the fever of my mind,
Won't persist through till mornings light.

I guess it works every time.
You see I might have caught a glimpse,
Of this girl who was called Mia,
She didn't stay too long though;
They said she was sickness,
And I had to be better.

But sometimes I hear her calling,
Most of the time she's silent,
Although she kindly likes to visit.
She likes to play this game
Of thoughts,
But I know that I'm winning.
She wants me to join her team,
Apparently I can't make up my mind,
Or at least that's as it seems.

I thank the Lord for my good health,
And it's bad to contradict,
When I recite my blessings I remember,
This means I cannot make myself sick.

So next time Mia joins me,
For just a little bit,
I remind her of what I know is right,
Even if she doesn't like it.
I tell myself to remain my state of mind:
That I can't go back there
Not just 'one more time'.

Have you seen this girl called Mia?
If you do, please walk away.
I know that she will beg you,
Tell you she wants to stay.
After a while, you'll have taken the time to see,
That this girl called Mia,
Is not actually all that pretty.
It is still haunting me
Refusing to leave
Wanting me to give in
Yet I am too proud to do so
Which just tricks me into
Slavery of feeling like I should
Which rabbit hole will I fall down
This time?
What way am I willing to go?
storm siren Jul 2016
Tomorrow will be sixty three days.
Sixty three days
Of wanting to breathe as deeply as I could.
Of enjoying the feeling
Of the sun on my skin.
Of knowing I'm not horrible.

Tomorrow I will still have
Thirty seven days to go,
Until I get to one hundred.

And now I'm counting down the days,
Until I get to see you.
I only have to go three nights,
Two days,
Until I see you again.

I am so glad
That I made it.
I am so glad
I didn't break.
I am so glad
To enjoy the sound of music again.
I am so happy
To be alive.

Right now I'm crying,
Because it's a beautiful feeling,
Wanting to live
And being in love.

If I can make it passed
All the torment I've made it through,
To get to this,
With you at my side,
I know I can do anything.

Actions speak louder than words.
Let me show you my gratitude and humble pride
Until the day after forever.
Evie Colosimo May 2016
there was a time,
when dresses were taboo
and shorts stowed away in my closet,
afraid to expose myself.
i used to die in agony,
on a hot summer day,
just to keep covered and
away from prying eyes.
intentionally, sand would
cake my legs and arms,
while others laid in the vast openness
of the beach, begging for the sun
to touch their skin.
there were times i almost felt okay,
to show without barriers,
until i saw the eyes of my love
and for a split second, i saw
the sadness i caused and the
shifting eyes, wondering if anyone else
can see.
but you kiss each scar, you ask questions,
and you have a wonderlust to
dance over my past and to understand
my journey.
and now, skirts are my favorite things,
and i tell my story in hopes of shaping the lives
of those who have once been in my shoes.
and i'm no longer afraid, to wear my stripes.
i still remember the feeling of metal
swiping my fragile skin
and blood slowly oozing out of it.

it is wrong.

i know.

to harm your own body is to dehumanize yourself.

but it felt so good in
that moment.

it felt like even when
i was an average
an average daughter
and average person

my skin now held
unique patterns.

sometimes i would
move the blade across
my wrist in circles

and i could finally control

and i could finally be not average,
not better than average,
but worse than average.

because being in the middle is
just as dehumanizing as holding a
weapon to your own body.

and i know it is wrong.

but it felt so good,
in that moment.
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