I love you,
I just can't have you.
I have to stay on the sidelines,
Waiting until you feel the same.

I don't think you'll ever feel the same.
Everyone tells me to move on.
I'm not sure it's that I can't.
It's that I don't want to.

Yes I've fancied other people.
None of them were like you.
I would make myself get over them,
But I didn't really like them in the slightest.

Now it's you I'm crushing on.
I have loads if reasons to.
You're just so amazing and this is embarrassing.
It's too bad I'm in the friend zone,
Because there's no coming out.

Damage me mother
How hard can it be?
Is it collateral or was this really your plan?
I don't think you care, I don't think you know,
How dare you not realise
The length you have gone.
Maybe you've only ever brought tears to my eyes.

Am I supposed to move on,
To forgive and forget?
Growing up in the church,
I should have learnt to practice that
Instead of letting my mind wonder.
God, maybe I should have acted stronger;
Made myself see the truth.
I guess I didn't know what to search for,
In fact I didn't realise that there was anything at all.

Maybe it's myself I have to blame.
Should've gotten over it,
But I took the pain on a holiday
Chose to sleep in all the rain.
You're more than a thunder storm.
Never you seem to get caught,
Now you get everything that you want.
Anyone whose path you've crossed
Has to deal with the downpour,
Resurrect themselves from the ashes
Of the fires you have caused.

You could argue some are lucky:
For they manage to escape
Instead I am prone to stay.
I can't find a way to leave you,
Not like you left me
Emotionally and physically,
I was raised without you and with empathy.
Knowing your tactics,
Another reason I can't dare seem to let go from you,
Whenever I'm close to leaving
You come back.
The guilt comes back too.
The only guilty one here
Should really be you.

Truth be told
I'm terrorised with fear,
Because I'm not about to get a father,
I know I'll get a nightmare.
I don't want to enter the place, again,
Where I wish I could go back to my dreams,
To try to make it all better,
Because the reality will be painfully in front of me
And I'll never be able to make it disappear.

All the things we do,
For illness,
To make ourselves worse;
It fuels the pain,
But we know we're just going back again.

What's the use?
Why not lose when there's
Nothing left
To win?
We give in,
Just so that this nothingness can win.

It's fine,
You're going to survive,
But do you completely want to?
Maybe you can't decide,
So instead you hide it inside.

You're told to get better,
But what does that mean?
It means you stop acting,
You get over it eventually.
Really?
Maybe if you're careful;
Find a way to fix yourself;
Make sure you don't break again.

Now move forward,
It's been a few years,
That's what everyone thinks.
You're all good now,
Even you believe,
At last you can do anything
-except what you were doing,
That is.
Avoid it like the plague,
To try to stay safe,
Although really you try creeping back,
Just to catch a glimpse of something
You know you shouldn't be looking at.

Then you wonder
About sending yourself back:
To the days in Hell,
The fight for escape,
Waiting for it to be over,
To be left alone.
**** the actions first,
Then learn how to cope
Without what you were destroying yourself with.

You're fine for now,
At least you guess you are,
Only you're surrounded by sorrow,
The misery with bouts of
Alright, just great.
But darkness lurks around the corner,
So will you follow,
Or do what you're supposed to be continuing with?

You want control,
Part of you wants to feel something,
Other than these emotions,
To stop hearing these thoughts,
And press stop on the memories,
Because with the present it hurts you,
Damaging - like what doesn't exist.

One time, go on:
Repeat like you used to,
What's the reason not to
When you just feel like you're lacking
Some of what you need?
And what is that?
The truth, surrender,
A cease to all this,
Someone else to leave?

You know it will push you somewhere,
Into a harsh reality
But one you hope that might be different,
From the one that pains you,
Even if you'll be guilty.
You'll have the satisfaction
Of finally
Doing something.
Again. You said never again,
But that wasn't true,
Did you even mean that?
You wonder as you retake
Your past baleful steps.

It doesn't own the same reasons
This time.
You just want to prove your
Destructive existence to yourself,
Even though you miss your
Dissociation from reality.
Maybe because if you do it,
It means you're not one hundred percent,
Just don't let anyone know,
Why should it harm anyone,
Except you because that's the whole issue?

It's okay though,
You've figured it out,
Like you always knew,
You were only kidding yourself,
You know you'd have to live
With the unhelpful effects,
It doesn't need to be any harder,
Than it already is.

Fear of them, I fear them,
No not men, just the idea of them,
Actually no, the idea I quite like;
It’s the non-real reality that scares me,
Terrorises me just a little if I stop to think.
No it’s not men, it’s just people.
Maybe it’s all just my social anxiety,
Talking to me again in a slightly different way,
I mean, I know anxiety can change but it doesn’t, not for me:
I know me,
I just don’t know what I’m scared of really.

I can’t believe I dare to write this,
Go away Chloe, just shut yourself up inside again,
Then you won’t have to think about anyone.
Well that’s a lie, I think about people all of the time;
The people I could have, the people I won’t, people I wish existed but I sadly know never will
(I convince myself they will anyway),
And when they’re not real, I’m not afraid -
Because I’m not afraid,
I started this all up as a game.
Did someone ever tell you, you should never read lists of phobias you know you don’t have?
Well I’m telling you, don’t. You might get some.

But do you ever daydream of your perfect soul mate?
Because then I think of guys, like: real guys that actually do exist
And then I’m just like no, no I’ll stay away,
Not today, not tomorrow, I’m not ready.
Then I realise I’ll never be ready.
I’ve noted the slow progression of “could you really be scared of that Chloe? Sounds pretty stupid.”
So I’m like no, no I can’t be,
And then I get these little feelings sometimes,
Which makes me kind of go, “really are you?”
But I’m not because:
That wouldn’t make sense
And
People who know nothing on the internet say that’s sexist without knowing what they mean.
If someone actually had a phobia of the opposite *** or gender it wouldn’t be their fault, because it’s a ****** phobia.

I don’t have phobias though, not one.
Maybe social anxiety, maybe another one, maybe I’m getting one more,
But really I must just be exaggerating.
I know it’s not a phobia - that’s not what I’m claiming,
But when I imagine having a reality where...
Well it just kind of scares me.

Come and take me,
My misery's attacking me,
You don't have to save it,
Just destroy it so it's gone.
I look at myself and think,
I should just purposely ***** up more.
If it's easy for life to **** me up,
Then surely I get to go further.

Nothing's okay,
There's just always a facade,
To satisfy the rules,
Because the world will keep turning either way.
Of course I'm not going to sit and complain,
Vocally every second of the day.
When I'm socially active around others,
What they see is normal,
For me at least,
Even if in the background I hear screaming,
Of my thoughts never sorting themselves out,
So instead I welcome more:
Everything that eventually "left me",
Why don't you come back for some more?
If destruction's where life is taking me,
Then why shouldn't I join in,
Just another bad habit,
Won't bring the end that closer,
If anything it will make myself see,
How much I know this is getting,
Too tough for me to be.

I know how I'm acting,
Even if you do not,
I know I contradict myself,
I can't just tell you the truth,
I need to do what it is I want to prove,
Although that disproves what I assure you,
By about a thousand degrees,
From before I hear my own last screams,
As I once again ignore my very own beliefs.

Never going back,
They're so sure that's the truth,
Most of the time I have been too,
I know how to convince,
After I finally gained trust back.
The issues are almost irrelevant to me,
Because I've taken to just concentrating,
On exactly what I'm doing now,
Because I gave up the effort of relying on the aftermath.
I know the next time,
That this comes to light,
It will probably just be even worse,
Maybe it's half why I need my secrets,
To pretend they don't happen,
That they don't matter,
Because I'm back to believing that's true.

Don't save it,
Just take it.
I'm finished with trying to preserve it,
I've found there's no use,
While looking for something else without a clue,
Because everything's just impossible,
And I don't want to have to,
Get to where I cannot reach,
Maybe other people do see things in me,
Although I'm often self-positive,
In general terms,
I still don't see the point in being,
When I show up places,
It's not like I have a choice,
I've just always mostly been obedient,
If you dismiss the scratches I have made,
They won't forget the indentations,
Because they felt it too,
They felt me drop, crack, break and watched me,
Pick myself back up again,
So going back downstairs is silent,
Avoiding the inevitable from happening a second time:
Prolonging my pain,
Deafening this angry silence from them,
To lengthen out the disappointment,
They must one day receive.

Sir you see, somehow my insides,
They will never be enough for me.

I am sick of all this fantasy,
The interrupting memories
And the pain that screams inside the walls of me
In a prison kept there for risk of my insanity.
And where can I scream it all out
Without it coming back to me,
Lurking around to smother me inside it’s mocking misery?

Hi again, it’s been a long time
You have and haven’t been here,
But I kind of thought you’d died.
Well no, how could I ever think that?
Don’t you think I always knew you were there?
It was extremely weird though:
You let me have things.

I walked into shops and I
Spoke to people.
At the beginning of your holiday,
I was sitting in class and trying to bring you back.
When everyone ditches you and even your social anxiety finally does.
I mean wow though, I was walking around and
You weren’t gripping my body,
I just did stuff, knowing that you shouldn’t let me.

Don’t worry, I knew there were still things that you wouldn’t let me do,
I couldn’t get a job like a normal person,
Even though I needed to.
I feel like it sounds stupid though, when I try to explain how far away you are,
Barely there, basically not,
Yet there’s still things I can’t do because you’re not that gone.

So you were really there the whole time,
But it was just so great,
Except from everyone else ruining things.
Social anxiety though? Good; it may as well have been gone.
It still feels like a lie writing this,
Because there’s no way you eased off for basically two years.
That is not a thing.

Now that I know I definitely had some sort of anxiety attack,
I don’t know, I think I’m calm again now
Just don’t think about it, just don’t think about it.
I’ve been reading a story I wrote when you were still wild every day,
I already knew you were more present,
But I found it crazy because I read what I wrote and actually thought:
I don’t even do this anymore.
But I guess I’m home now, in you.

People will read this and think that’s great
(and it is astounding, I’d never believe you),
But I don’t think I feel anything.
Do I get my excuses back now?
Can I use them again?
I have social anxiety, LET ME STAY INSIDE,
Now maybe it won’t be about me being normal like other people,
Because now I’ll know you’re here.

Whereas before it would be like “really, you can’t? I think you can, why not?”
No, wrong topic Chloe,
That’s what people say about your physical health.
And you managed to not come back throughout all that?
No one believed me, but I still don’t think you were there.
I tried so hard to politely prove them they were lying.
I told them how I’m great without you,
But no one ever listens
And now I’m reminded of the things I stupidly said,
So lets just tie all my problems together
And I’ll just go daydream until death again.

I really don't want to write this poem.
Doing so means you're really going.
You've been a big part of my life.
I was only just turning three.
That was when you came.
You've been here since I can remember.
I don't want you to go today.

I hate how much you're struggling.
I can't believe it's today.
If I could take away you're pain,
I'd do it this very second.
If I could I'd still be seconds late.

There's an ache in my heart.
I know it won't go away for so long.
I don't want to miss you,
Because if I miss you then you'll be gone.
You don't know how hard this is.
It's way too hard to let go.
Why give in?
Too bad there's no other way.

You fought so hard.
It's not your fault and god knows you don't deserve this.
I can't believe it's your time.
I don't want it to be,
But sadly that won't change a thing.

You though, will change everything.
You've always been here.
You have to be here.
Why do you have to go?
I know it's you're time.
I know you've lived long.
I just want you here forever.

I could cry a thousand tears,
But that won't stop you going.
Oh well I can't help,
So I'll do it anyway.
I'll continue crying millions of tears.
Unfortunately though, still you will go.

I won't say goodbye.
Not really a goodbye.
If I do it would mean you're going.
You're not really going.
You can't really go.
You belong here at home.

You might be a dog,
But you're our family.
No matter what happens you will always be.
You can't be going.
I know you are,
But you'll never really be gone.
You still have to be here.
Be here everyday.
Maybe we won't have to move on.

You are the best dog ever.
You always will be!
Even when you're 'gone'.
Wherever you go,
Does anyone really know?
Do we even have to.
I know you'll be somewhere.
I'll see you again.
Until then I'll be missing you.

Very soon I'll have to let you go.
I know it's for the best and all,
But even so it won't help this pain.
At least you won't be suffering your pain.
I have to try to let go,
But that's the last thing I want to do.
You've always been here.
So why can't you stay?
I can't help these pointless questions.

Eventually I'll move on,
I know.
Thats how all of this stuff goes.
That doesn't mean I'll:
Forget you,
Stop loving you,
Stop thinking of you
And I know I won't stop missing you.

Goodbye max.
But this isn't goodbye really,
Because this is not the end.
One day we'll all see you.
Then we can all be happy together again.

I look at all the words I mean,
Not wanting people to come back right at me,
Reprimanding me for criticising health care professionals
(“They just want to help, it’s their job”
- Well that’s what I thought too,
So maybe someone should tell them to do their “compassionate” job right,
And to think, I wanted to be just like them
But better)
Criticising me for criticising the NHS,
It’s not about the NHS.
I’m not blind to see that this happens everywhere,
I was all for the NHS
I was
“Going to be a nurse”
And so so happy about it,
But they managed to take that from me too,
It didn’t encourage me to do better,
It just made me want to get as far away from them as possible.

So I thought, “don’t post it!”
And just as suddenly recalled that I should not hide this,
Even if occasionally in some twisted kind of way I do feel guilty, like it’s all my fault;
What they said, how they acted, what they thought,
Or just simply of their proposition that I’m ill because of myself.
After all, if I don’t speak out who will?
I think of those who do tell the world of their experiences,
And how when I read about it I felt understood, almost like there’s a place for me,
And how I wish I could be that brave,
Whilst knowing that I’m not.
They remind me that it’s not okay,
To keep being treated this way,
So why not speak out?
The side of me I taught to be nice to myself,
The one that challenges cruel thoughts, tells me that
Shouldn’t I deserve these rights? Shouldn’t I be heard without fear?
People like me have had things they need taken away from them by doing this,
But I never had them in the first place, so why not?

These health professionals have so much jurisdiction,
When it comes to our bodies and how we perceive them,
Even for patients who are headstrong and less vulnerable this can be volatile.
It will be painstakingly explosive.
I suppose optimistically I’d like to hope,
They don’t realise the power at their hands; their words, their treatment
That somehow makes it okay for them
To bruise the strong but delicate souls,
Which they manage to crush so easily, so mercilessly
(Instead of our symptoms)
But then I wonder, I just honestly wonder:
How it could be fathomable that they could look us in our pleading eyes and downright refuse us,
Undermine us, all at once as if we were a common inconvenience,
Like the whole point of their vocation
Is not to help people,
Not only when they need it most, but at all!

Sardonically, I laugh at it now,
How very hard I tried, and was happy to try, to be in this field also,
Because no matter what the cost to my current emotions,
I always told myself, just do this really well so you can be a nurse,
So you can help people.
Each time my life was hard I told myself it’s okay because the end result is that I’ll get to be a nurse to help people.
To help people.
It’s just so funny right? Because the nurse I saw didn’t want to help me!
And I know they’re not all like that,
There are good nurses, good doctors (I hope - I’ve heard if you’re lucky you’ll find one someday),
But I can’t stomach how you could go through all that effort to help someone,
To then be so inconsiderate and futile.

And around about here,
I tell myself again that I’m probably a horrible person,
Because I know not to paint everyone with the same brush, there are good and bad people in everything,
But if I have child one day in the distant future, would I want them to be okay with this?
With the ******* and insufficient “care” I’ve endured,
No. And I would even like to think I would scream it from the rooftops,
But I’m not that audacious or loud enough,
And frankly it’s scary,
Terrifying as hell because while you look at your health care system and see:
Trustworthy, compassionate and caring,
I see: fear and a hierarchy that will never hold you high enough to be heard,
Once one doctor’s said it’s because of your mentality
None of the others will look at you twice unless it’s to see into your psyche and not your physical body.

So part of me may half heartedly deny this when it comes to speaking out about this,
But this is not okay,
And this is not only for me to get the words out somewhere,
But for every other person like me, who didn’t get what they deserved from those supposed to help us,
It is not your fault,
And maybe one day in the long and distant future that we may or may not see,
(Because change takes a long time and not because we’ll die from misdiagnosis - that’s a bit dramatic,
Although accurate for some unfortunate people)
All of us together, we can make a difference.
This is a fight that I never thought I’d be a part of,
A war I never knew or acknowledged existed,
And one day, I want to say that I haven’t lost every single battle of this never ending war.

How are we made to be destroyed?
Do you understand, does anyone?
How can we know what’s not written out for us,
If we have no clue of suggestion?

How can we get to grips with the world,
If we don’t even know what the world really is.
It’s been disguised so many times.
No shameless chance of knowing what it’s really like.

Why would we come into this world,
With this life, if we weren't meant to have it anyway?
We get given stuff just so that it will get ripped away.
Shown things right in front of us,
Just so we know we cannot have.

I don’t understand how people could possibly be brought into life,
Then being made as a sacrifice.
People die, get killed, get tortured mentally, physically, emotionally and abused by their own minds.
How is this fair is any of this?
Tell me what is the point?

But we don’t know because we’re just simply humans,
Who can’t know any better.
We can’t come up with a conclusion,
That we have no way to know.

I see you talking to people
I see you laughing with them
I see you liking their Facebook pictures
I see everything you do online
Even if I try to hide

When I see your picture
Anywhere
Like Facebook or Skype
My heart just breaks again
Because I know you can't be mine
So I'll never be complete

I see you hugging people
Telling them you love them
Messing around with them

They are you're friends

And once I thought I was one of -them...

Maybe I am
But I'm not as important
They're your favourites
But it seems like you're closer to -everyone
than you are me to me

Yes you say nice things
We've had good fun times
We've even laughed and messed -around...

But we're not like them
You see more in them
We'll barely even talk
And barely ever meet

But thanks for leading me on
I guess maybe it helped me then
You made me feel special
And like I mattered to you
You even had me thinking I was one-
Of them...

I know I'm not
I need to get over that fact
But listen when I say
I know it's not happening anytime -soon
I wish it were true
Because I can't help but wonder
Why can't we be like them?

It would be more than we are now
But I you know what I want
And I want to be yours
Not just some off cast of a friend

There's nothing but just one day left.
By then I have to be over him.
I know that it makes no sense,
But nothing ever makes sense.
Maybe what I'm really longing for is someone who will do that.
Someone to make sense with,
Other than my best friend.
How do you get over someone in one day,
When you've had a senseless crush on them for a year?
There's not much attracting me to them,
There's just thoughts of my imagination and he's there to fill the place.
I can't keep doing this,
But I just can't stop.
Something not even a slap around the face could solve.
I may as well dive into ice cold water,
Knowing I have no towel.
That's what it's like falling for him.
However I managed to get myself into such a state,
That it's not even him I like anymore.
And I tried so hard to prevent this,
Yet I'm sure it's still happened.
I have one more day to convince myself it's not worth it.
That I already know.
I just can't control my thoughts,
And lately it's been making me feel so crazy on top of everything else.
I'm not sure what to do now,
But breathe,
Just breathe and hope for something.
So many things going on in my head.
Just forget these feelings.
What was never here needs to leave my mind.
I feel so stupid and I feel mental.
Is there anybody who knows the answer?
I've been searching and I can't find it anywhere.

It's so hard when you've been hiding
to come out of it again.
You can't do it
You can't do it
You can't do it,
But you've done it before so no one cares.
Somehow you'll push through it and suddenly you've added it once more,
Realistically they know that you'll do it again,
But this isn't realistic because it's about the imaginary.

You build yourself a home,
And tell yourself it's safe,
Then you disappear there for most waking hours of the day,
Then you have breaks from school when you should do revision and work,
You want to try so hard, so hard
Because you want to finally prove you can
You can be smart.
But you can't pull away from this,
You're trapped inside and you want to stay there,
The world keeps screaming at you that you're doing it all wrong.
You already know that but you keep going along;
It's that way or no way;
The world won't let you stop
No matter how hard you beg.

The home you've devised by yourself
Is filled with what you want and things you're scared of,
People you love so arduously
Yet continue absently,
Catastrophic events that break your heart
Even though they never came to be.

So you're screaming at the real walls surrounding you
Back in the harsh reality where nothing's as you want it,
Crying out that you want them here with you;
That it's the only way you'll get through;
Your whole world depends on these stupid, dejected, lovely, astute
Daydreams.
And to everyone else you could attempt to explain this to,
That is all they are:
Daydreams.
When the only thing you want,
Is for them to be reality.

You only had to leave me alone.
Leave me alone,
Just go!
I don't want you to go.
I just want you to really be here with me,
Except you can't be.
And that means you should leave me.
Don't go...

It's mind abusing.
I can't stop thinking about it.
It keeps coming into my head.
I try not to let it hurt me,
Because that's what it did too long ago.
It shouldn't still hurt.
There is no reason for it.
It's not like I can change it.
The past has gone and I couldn't have stopped it.
It shouldn't randomly effect me now.
It's all been and gone.
The time that people could sympathise has gone.
It's not like anythings been done.
I should be used to it by now.
I can push it aside.
I passed crying over a year ago.
There's no reason to go back.
Nothing's going on in my life.
I should be sorry for someone else,
But not for myself.

Good poetry doesn't deserve to be kept a sweet secret.
Don't be scared of criticism,
Release it for the world to see.
Set it free and let it flourish.

You know you can't trust anything,
Or anyone
And I guess I should have learnt by now,
But I guess pain and hurt is never too much.

Everyone needs to find their way,
Through the screams and the cries,
The silence and the goodbyes,
It may seem like I'm talking straight into walls sometimes:
I just need something to lean on,
Something to steady me while I'm still awake.

I try to find comfort in people I've never met,
Things that also can never really help me,
Not physically bad things though,
So people never see my heartache as strong enough,
It's just time to find a willow tree to weep and wallow under.

These things and these people,
I guess I'm naturally inclined to grasp to,
Except in this world nothing is perfect
Because that's reserved for earned peace with God
So here we get things we don't deserve,
Because perfection's what we crave we pretend it exists
In these things, these ways, these people.

But people (and things, methods) they let you down,
And they don't have to be sorry,
Repentance to other human beings doesn't change anything,
Especially when they continue with the same cruel things,
Even though they know they are unforgivable.

You know you can't trust anything,
Or anyone
And I guess I should have learnt by now,
But I guess pain and hurt is never too much.

People can always let you down,
I don't like saying it
Even if you don't quite believe it
But they have let me down,
And still I keep on going,
Letting it happen again,
But people deserve forgiveness
And not to be judged by actions they didn't commit.
One mans sins are not all of his generations.

It's easier to hope that people can change
When you have never been around them,
Yet are still too emotionally connected
To join the others in their march of distaste.
I know I partly agree with them,
But I wouldn't go that far,
I wouldn't wish someone dead
I hope no matter what they've done.

Then there's that someone that you know,
Whose done things that are far more innocent,
But you can't bare to think about it
So you go to what you can handle,
Back to those things that steady you,
Just as you feel you're falling.
Then you sit there as you're crying,
Or maybe not at all but the silence is still painful
And you realise you're left with nothing at all.

Many times I feel there's nothing left,
That can make this all go away,
No clean slate,
Sometimes I have thought I'd lost my way,
Then I was shown it again
Except I don't want to follow,
I'd rather just pause,
I may not cry that much
But I don't need to
Just to know that this can really **** hurt.

It is still haunting me
Refusing to leave
Wanting me to give in
Yet I am too proud to do so
Which just tricks me into
Slavery of feeling like I should
Which rabbit hole will I fall down
This time?
What way am I willing to go?

Well it’s nice for you in a family with money full of truly intelligent people.
I’m not hard off but I’m not all that wealthy,
My family aren’t that smart so neither am I
But I swear to God I’m trying.
You may think I appear to be smart but really I’m not,
I guess you can always call me average.
I grew up being thick in the bottom of bottom sets,
So now I’m near the top I feel proud but success will soon wither for me.
I’m desperate to do my best and make it good enough.
I need to feel accomplished and like I’ve really gotten somewhere
Even though I came from nowhere.
I’ve started at the bottom and now I want to get up there,
Too bad I feel so hopeless.
So far I’ve always tried to prove myself -
I know at the moment it seems to be working,
However I’m reaching the cut off line where I can’t just talk and be convincing.
I need these real grades to prove myself to me and everyone around me.

It's being around people;
And being all alone.
Everyone is together and happy,
There's loudness of the words and fun they have.
In a way I wanted to be alone,
But I also wanted to stay and see.
It's standing in a room watching life and it's happenings
Without being involved.

Together with people is to be alone
(When your few friends aren't around).
By yourself you're stuck wanting
To be with someone now.

But there's too many memories,
They fill too much of the space.
I look to the distance and can see them replay,
Just like how they say you can have out of body experiences.
I was more than happy;
Even when I could be sad.
These times fill my heart with passion,
Just in order to break it truly apart.

It's like everywhere I go,
I see them and what we did.
I seem to see the thoughts and the feelings,
But that's if I ever really did.
Today I endured an hour of memory replay,
Was asked if I was okay twise,
Then went home not knowing my thoughts or emotions
Being wound up in confusion for at least three hours straight.

I don't know how to deal with this,
When I've already hated one fake friend so much.
Now it seems it's all been used up.
I can't have my thoughts in the same way,
Because they were not meant to end like the last.
If it was as good as we thought it was,
None of us would let it get this bad,
If what happened didn't;
We could've tried to fix anything.
Anything else.

But we didn't let it get this bad.
To my real friend in this: you have done no wrong.
It was all of the others.
They somehow did this,
But to say this before would have sounded and felt so wrong.

Time heals does it?
I guess we'll have to wait and see,
However as of the last time,
Time and distance still doesn't seem to be working for me.
I still hopelessly hope to wake up,
And let it all be a horrible dream.

It slowly creeps in all day,
Just thinking of excuses
So that I don't have to do it.
But is it real or am I really just excusing nothing?
All I know right now is that:
I don't want to do it.
Going is too social for me,
Repeating a message is too much,
And asking for cover contradicts the last one,
Not showing up will be noticed,
There might even be consequences.
It's not as bad as it has been,
But I still don't want to do it so
What can I do?
I don't even want this all to be happening,
I wish life would just stop,
Because everything is stressful enough,
Anxiety levels are heightening,
So do I just get out of it by not talking to anyone?
Maybe I can avoid everything by just staying here,
And doing nothing,
Just pretend not to be noticed even more,
Maybe then all of the things I get wrong
Won't matter anymore.

But I know when I get there it might be fine.
I'd be missing out on the classroom banter
That I will never be a part of.
Missing things I could be, should be doing as a sixth form student,
Because she's too scared it will be bad
And she won't be able to escape.
No one cares about that,
Because you're not a little girl stuck in a nightmare
And, the world won't wait for you to be ready.
It's just I'm tired because I've been chasing it for years,
To keep my head above the water even though I can't swim and I'm no good at running either.

Now I'm not even sure how I got here,
The anxiousness started yesterday,
But can I remember why?
I'm pretty sure I was just stressed with life so I thought about avoidance,
But this is one of my easier days;
So it doesn't make sense.
If I get out of this I'll be upset with myself:
For not doing normal things like everyone else,
But I never wanted to do it in the first place,
Which gets me to thinking
Did I work myself up into this state?
All on my own, without the so called "social anxiety" monster trying to catch me again?
Avoiding will mean questions asked,
Which means socialising
And probably ending up going,
Because if they're doing it I'll feel bad because they're in a worse place than me,
I'm just nothing.
This is why I want to just
d i s a p p e a r
Avoid all this fear
Why is that not possible?
Why can I not just stop it all.
I'll have to email to get the work anyway.
Existing causes so much hassle,
It's like attempting to live normally is an endless battle.

I'm trying to stop
Although kind of, I'm not.
I might want to feel okay today,
Reliving through ways,
It's not harmful they say.
Hiding in your mind until it's okay to come outside
Just for a few seconds at a time,
Yeah I'm sure you think that's fine.

I daydream about living a normal life,
Dramatic yes, but it's what I decide
Even if I don't want it.
I don't want someone I love most to die.
Sometimes I wonder if I can do it,
Stop it.
No don't say that too,
You don't understand it.
If I want something like this falsity I'm immersed in
Then I'll have to live outside of it.

You think it's so easy,
You think it's all right
To keep it
And no I won't give it up -
That's not something that's possible,
It's not something I'm capable truly to fight.
Nothing is ever enough.
I give myself what I want
And what I would hate most:
They are mixed together
But if you wake up in my reality,
Much of that you will not see.

I see his face inside my head,
Scenes flash in front of me
And then I realise it's all just
Make-believe.

I'm just attempting to manage my emotions,
I'm doing the best I can,
Mostly I think I'm doing very ******* well,
Or maybe I just want all these "professionals" to be wrong.

Occasionally I stop and remember:
"Of course they're right Chloe,
How can you possibly say you don't have deep psychological issues right now?"
But since these dissociative symptoms have started:
I've felt amazing mentally.

I must admit that before that,
I felt pretty bad - bad enough to actually admit and ask for help,
But doesn't that show how I'm "dealing with it",
I don't like people telling me my body's dealing with my psychological feelings physically,
I express myself all the **** time,
And they don't know anything!

I'm sick of the psychoanalysis,
And then them claiming they don't psychoanalyse
On that website they keep telling me to revisit.
They seem to think if you talk about your problems -
They just disappear!
And if you educate yourself on conversion disorders -
The symptoms will finally go away!
I could go through that website,
A thousand times and I will still
Remain to have spasms, tremors
And weakness.

I am managing my thoughts and feelings at the moment,
But that doesn't help me manage my physical symptoms:
They are literally debilitating and unmanageable,
Only they tell me I need to "accept it",
This whole poem is showcasing me doing exactly that.
As many times as I deny thinking that this is a functional illness,
I match referring to it as just that.

It's funny that I write so much,
And almost worship the skill
Yet I haven't felt the need to write about what's been happening for months now.
The reason I finally am in this moment,
Was actually because
I think I'm starting to feel things again,
And now I'm wondering if I've been pushing all of it back,
Which is exactly what they want to hear,
So they can say "your body's expressing it because your mind can't manage it, you need to express and deal with this."
You know what?
I really do wonder what the hell they think that "coping" is!

Maybe they would just say,
I'm avoiding my feelings and memories right now,
By coming to my notes section to seek some peace,
As what they would like to think of as a facade,
All comes crumbling down.

The waves of intensity belong to me,
And as much as I don't always enjoy them,
You can leave them all alone because they're mine,
And you can't tell me how or if I'm handling them properly.
Sometimes I just feel like this is who I am,
This is what I'm prone to,
And if you want me to just get over it then fine,
I didn't seek you out in the first place
So if you want to think that I'm over it,
Then that's okay with me.

I think I like to play this game where I try to forget you.

It’s funny how things change
Over time
Like the leaves on the trees
Throughout the year
Apart from not everything
Changes back
Not everything is routine

Nostalgia. Nostalgia. Nostalgia.
I'll tell you what it is,
right when a thousand memories crash into me.
Immerse myself in water
and wonder why I'm here,
why I'm being stalked by the memories I hold dear.
Close to my heart,
something rips apart.
And when you feel the sorrowful pain
You'll know
It's nothing a work of art.

I won't listen to your words,
I won't conform to your evil curse.
I know better now.

Yes, sometimes I may look at myself,
And not be so proud,
But you don't offer control;
You only take it.

I don't care if you won't leave me alone,
Because I'll get you away from me,
You don't blind me anymore:
I taught myself you're not what I need.

My door won't be darkened by you anymore,
I won't notice your shadow occasionally waiting.
Instead I'll say goodbye again
And I will stay fine without you.

Though you don't deserve another another contribution
This is
Love from,
Me.

Breathe just breathe,
Isn't that what they all say?
Well that's what I'm telling myself anyway.
To take it in steps
And steps in breaths,
Continue to live a bit longer.

These feelings seem to creep up,
From being nonexistent,
Because I don't know where they live
And I don't know why they are here.
Suddenly they're rising from within me,
Making my soul bleed and burn.

So the only way I can think of attempting comfort,
Is to breathe and try to convince.
I convince myself the layout of my day,
So that I know after that it is done.
Then the pain will be gone.
Now if I feel like facing fears
Or because I have no other choice,
I slowly tell myself to just do whatever it is,
Then it can be over
Or escalate much more.

Like when I allow myself
With thoughts to walk through a doorway.
Even if there is succession in that,
The aftermath could be much worse.
I'd be walking into my own nightmare,
So instead I consider just hiding alone.
But nowhere here is always empty.
There's not always somewhere to go.

By searching I feel like
I'm begging for a family,
Trying to tell someone they have to have me,
But they made me lonely.
Why should I fall to the feet of people,
Who do not deserve me?
Who purposely removed me?

Sometimes I wonder if I really want it,
I inform myself I know I don't need it,
I recite how it won't make it better,
Instead the discomfort will fester
And I won't be able to hide,
I'll be unable to make it go away:
And that's my biggest fear.

I've learnt by now,
How scary it is, when it comes around
To asking for things;
Carrying out the consequences.
By the time I get what I thought I wanted,
I no longer desire for it:
Instead I've put myself in Hell,
A place where I've backed myself into a corner:
And I'll never find an escape.

Somehow that storm has past:
I've survived, I'm still alive
But after that I'm back to needing.
Needing things to be okay,
Realising what I've missed out on,
All over again,
Yet I'm too scared to find it,
Because of how terrorising
It was the last time,
That I almost found what I've
Always been waiting for.

What I can't handle is,
Providing someone with my weaknesses.
This is one of the things
That could really hurt me,
And I'd be screaming it at the top of my lungs,
To some stranger that I've
Never heard of.

Eventually, every now and then,
The time comes around,
When I'd like to give in.
I'll just try, this one more time,
Maybe it won't be so bad,
Maybe one day if I do this it won't make me sad.

There's always this one thing
I don't understand:
Is how this makes people so **** happy.
It's like a celebration, a liberation.
Why are they so happy,
To find people who treated them like ******* before they really even existed?
They spent their whole life without them,
Because they simply gave them up
And I don't care about the so called "reasons",
For me it's just not good enough,
And then they're so happy to get the chance,
To discover them.

Can't they see it how I do?
They got rid of you,
They didn't want you before you even had the chance
To do anything wrong.
How can you look at,
Or hear of
Your own flesh and blood
And decide to get rid of it,
Like an old worn out rug?

So tell me, why should I live for,
Someone else who doesn't give a toss,
Who goes on with everything else,
While I grew up.
Do you know what it's like,
Being the kid in the playground,
Surrounded by their friends with their parents,
Whilst you're there with no father or mother in sight?
Do you know what it's like,
To cry at night saying you miss someone,
Someone you have never known,
Because you didn't understand,
That you can't miss a privation;
You can't miss what's never been there,
Because you're too young?
Do you have a clue,
What it feels like, to wonder why you weren't good enough,
To even have a ****** father?
Why you couldn't have a father at all?

But children are resilient,
You'll be happy to know,
So you get through all that,
Like it's nothing at all.
Then for some reason,
It all crushes you when you least expected it,
You see you've been apathetic, not caring about it.
Then one day you wake up,
And your whole life evolves around it,
Almost like an obsession that you can't stop,
You're sure it hits you harder than before,
With no visible cause, and you can't gather why
This suddenly matters so much now,
But it just does.

They may have gotten rid of you,
Before they had the chance to see you breathe,
That's not important though,
Because you'll suffer all the same,
With constant thoughts after you're sure you have escaped.
You'll wonder why they're so inexcusable
And so dissolute.
You'll ask yourself what you should do,
And in this society, many people think it's great, they think it's fun to find out
Just exactly who left you, who ditched you, who made sure you didn't even know their name,
Thinking about it will make you feel enraged,
Disgusted, but all the same:
These thoughts,
They will never seem to go away.