Master, you're put in charge
As your servant, I have put you first
I live to please you

I got no time,
I got no time to live!
I got no time to live
And I can't say good bye

I am regretting having memories
Of my friends, who they used to be
(Beside me) before they left me to die!

And I know this is,
I know this is the truth
'Cause I've been staring at my death so many times (in the mirror)
The scary monsters roams in my mind's halls
I wish that I could shut them out
And stay awake until its my death's time

Overthinking's on, do from dusk till dawn
I got this headache and my life's on the line
I felt like I won, but they weren't done
The nightmares repeats theirself every time

Trying to keep my calm, and to carry on
Just think away until it's my death's time

But I'm not so strong, and they are not gone
They're still out there to take what's left of my mine!

I have this urge,
I have this urge to ****,
I have this urge to **** and show that I'm alive!
I'm getting sick from these apologies
From people with "priorities"
That their life matters so much more than mine!

But I'm shivering
And stuttering again
They say they listen yet they do not understand

Because I'm crying as much as I speak
Cause no one likes it when I shriek
Don't want to go back to when it all began.

I dreamed a dream
When I was alive
My hope was high
And my life worth living

I dreamed that
Evilness would have died
I dreamed that
People would be more loving

Right now I am young and unafraid
My dreams are made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the demons come at night
With their love as soft a barb wire
They want to tear your hopes and heart
They want to turn my dreams to shame

I always dreamed my life would be
So different from this world I'm living in
So different from what it seams
I had a dream.

My mind destabilizes
My memory departs
Empty horizons
Dark storm clouds lurk

Laying out the bricks
I'm building up a wall
Now for my latest tricks
Is it you or I behind the bars?

It's like a hellride
Living out my life
My memory is failing
Wish it was a flashdrive!

Days become the night,
Wrong becomes alright
Senses fleeing, lack of being
Come and bring on your plight!

Guess what!
I'm alright-
(ish)

Don't be surprised,
I, myself, can feel pain
Even without a external reaction

I've always been swallowing my pride,
For so long, it's no longer a part of me
That gives us one less distraction

I'm 'k...
ling me ever so slowly but surely,
I'm 'k...
ling me and now one's there to stop me.
I'm dying, no one's crying for
This dead body to be
I lost reasons for living
They are blind, they cannot see

...Just 'k...
ling me,
Just 'k...
ling me...

Never thought I'd be my own Undertaker
Never knew in me there is an UnMaker!
Still waiting for things to get better
But it seems like forever...

Dark Dreaming Dexter, a book by Jeff Lindsay
Made me realize my closeness to insanity

Not allowed to ****
But I just will...

...if you hatch me
never enough entropy
welcome insanity
hey there, psychopathy
be free numerous noices
how much? infinity...

...punish me for their vices
they ignored all my voices
make me pay for their crimes...

I'D BE DEAD RIGHT NOW, BUT I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FIND THE TIME

Trust was never a option
But were there any options to begin with?

Our poems tell stories,
Isn't that the trend?
They have their beginning
And they have their end

My poems, paragraphs,
Of my life: incomplete.
It feeds me to make them
But aren't I what I eat?

What's the meaning to begin
And continue till the end
The answers are hidden in my fading soul.

They are staring right at me
Why won't anyone believe?
As I'm looking out my window,
They wave goodbye.

Everything is said and done,
Everyone as had their fun,
Time to make my exit from this fairytale.
My departure was foreseen
From the very beginning,
Living life live of full sanity, goodbye.

Hello me,
It's nice to meet you,
Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
It said:
"Goodbye, my dear sweetheart,
It was so nice to meet you,
Oh my, we haven't talked in quite a while!"

Insanity,
The weight of the air is torture.
Psychopathy,
Breathing's not natural anymore
Insanity,
The illusion of ignorance
Captivity,
Forever doing a puppet's dance.

Insanity,
It's like i'm floating on air
Psychopathy,
Live life with too many cares.
Insanity,
These illusion never end.
Captivity,
Behind bars that never bend.

The corruption goes on...

Sanity...
Light is peeking through the darkness,
Purity...
Don't feel anymore of the stress.
Sanity...
It's already fading away...
Cruelty...
DARKNESS GOT A HOLD OF ME!!!

I looked in the mirror
And what did I see?
I saw a human staring right back at me:

Bright eyes, wide smile
On nothing go miles
Well-learnt from situations
I am my inspiration

Independent and strong
Easy to talk,
Easy to get along

Caring, kind,
Beautiful and beyond my years wise.

In the belly of the beast,
We shall feast
On ourselves released
In the eye of the eel,
We see and feel
Schizophrenia revealed

I'm not myself anymore,
I AM MANY!
Hopeful but ignored,
I AM SCHIZZY!
I'm Joenymous,
I'm Johannah,
But truely not, only if I must.

In the claws of the cruel,
O'er me they rule.
They reject wisdom.
The kingdom come,
I'll try to see.
Being not ourselves,
That's what we must pretend to be.

Actions speak louder than words
You r actions are very loud
I let you in enough
Time that I shut you out.

This is the new old me,
Semi-insanity
Is my unsoundness a sin?
Once again, your actions, in verbatim.

Aggravated,
I am losing my patience.
Whole teenage years I've been waiting;
I can't help but feel forsaken.

Am I made to be broken,
Are these the things I deserve?
I'm afraid, now that I've spoken
You'll use them against me, my words.

I said a prayer,
I bowed my head
It was for my sister
As tears from my eyes bled.

It wasn't just any prayer
It was powerful
It went to God the Father
Just like it should

God saved here
I am so glad
Now I'll make more effort
On not being bad

God kept her
She'd stay with me
And everyone else
In the family

I'm thanking God
Each and every day
My sister is still here
Just because I prayed

I'm a puppet cutting the strings;
Can't work for you, I'm too tired.

Circuit, light source of outdated version;
Need rewire

Snowman in your freezer,
Trying to keep your present from the past,

Can't let it go, how can you?
When I won't last.

I am such an angel,
But my wings can't carry both our weight any more.

I need some silence,
Your voices are hard to ignore.

Just giving you time.
You, a puzzle to put together.

Time has no mercy,
I am not forever.

You fall apart,
Sayings of you're fine!

Unbearable brittleness,
Of me, of mine.

You, robot:
No batteries, no power.

Skilled ninja,
Stuck in surroundings of lasers.

I am a good keeper,
But when I left, you locked your heart away,

Time doesn't permit me,
I couldn't stay.

The words of your mouth,
Not yours, but others,

Your apathy to this disturbing world,
You, unbothered.

Your trauma, with you, partners,
You who suffocate,

When others, you contact,
It has become too late.

You can be battery;
Others always drain.

Connection with strangers, online,
Make you feel like I'm here again.

Intelligence brought you here,
Different from education,

I see you like a filter paper,
Story censorization.

I see you watching somebody else.
What are you wanting? I'd really like to help.

Call it whatever you want,
You will not be ignored!
You say their ways are blunt,
They cut you like a sword!

Would you be wanting more?
Would you be wanting more?

I see you hurting, hear you silent screams.
Well done pretending- now wake up from your dream.

Come face reality:
Embrace your insanity!
This is not a nightmare,
It's just the true world that you fear.

Aie
Oh, won't you live until you die?
Naturally, not suicide!

You deserve life.

I see you loving though so many hate
You are still giving, though they steal, they take
Your mind, your heart
They rip you apart
You are climbing,
Reaching for the stars
You're healing and still sore,

BUT YOU CAN TAKE ON MORE.

I Shove It Down
I shove down,
Just push away the pains
Don't think about,
Just shove it down

I can't complain
For they won't listen
So all that I do, did,
I.S.I.D.

Is it a new beginning
Or an old end?

Is it goodbye to a true enemy
Or hello to a fake friend?

Imprisoned, but...

Is is you
Or me behind the bars?

Are we keeping you out
Or keeping me in from where you are?

Here I am
I'll shut me down
With a head slam
I cannot frown
I can't remember what you just said
How can a concussion be so bad?

Here I am
I'll shut me down with a yes ma'am
If I'm good enough
Soon I'll be dead
How can my concussions be so bad?

I am my own destruction

I look and see
There's nothing left be saved

I'm not contaminated with Disease
I am the Disease

I'm falling atrapped to my own sanity

This is what I've become

**** it with fire!

Let me give myself the things I deserve

Make it stop

It's not hard to breathe...
I'm fine

Crashing,
Spiralling around.

You kept me safe,
I’ve lost my sound

Our worlds collide,
My existence becomes a lie

Inhale and exhale one last time,
You never know which one will be your last breath
(But mine never seem to have reached,
Yet).

Crashing,
Spiralling around.

I keep you safe,
But lose my sound

Judgements collide,
Reality becomes a lie

When would be the last time I die?

I want to be
Someone that you'll enjoy
Come unto me
I'll give you peace,
I'll give you joy.

But usually,
People don't take me seriously
They treat me as a toy
It gets me annoyed

It's unbelievable that there's someone so nice
I'm sweeter than sugar, flavourful as spice,
It's like you get a six everytime you roll the dice

You are so lucky
To have me

I really do not like it when I am used
I won't tolerate my friendship being abused
To not see my worth, you must really be a ******

You wouldn't want me
To think that of thee

Ooh,
If I was like you
Doing the thing you do
It'd make me go boo-hoo

What makes me sad is you
And the things you do
They are so cru-
El and selfish too

That won't change anything

I want to be
Someone that you'll enjoy
Come unto me
I'll give you peace,
I'll give you joy.

But usually,
People don't take me seriously
They treat me as a toy
It gets me annoyed

Despite these masks of happiness,
Jo drown in dark despair,
Jo mind may be a paintbrush,
What Jo create with it, beware!
The pen is mightier than the sword;
It has no limitation

Can't refrain, Jo mind can stain,
Now nothing can erase us now!

Can Jo describe the face Jo saw?
It would be ones you recognize.

Can't harm hands that holds, writes, and draws.
Imagination cursed us all with 'life.'

Jo blinded by Jo disease growing;
Jo heart is full of finite-loathing-
With secrets that Jo keep from showing,
Is disease sheep in wolfish clothing?
Flood Jo mind, with disease flowing-
Push Jo to the brink of blowing.
We hope disease think of going,
Jo weighed down to keep from floating.
Come with us, tell you 'bout Joey:
We keep Jo from being lonely,
Silent screaming, sinking slowly-
Give back Jo soul, what disease owe we.

Come on the journey
To help you find myself

Oh yes, you heard me,
But I'm not in need of your help

My heart is an open door
You won't be forevermore

So now answer my call
Before your skies falls.

Physically full,
Mentally starved,
The wilderness is hard
Trying to have a heart,
Terrible times, days of dark-
Ness plague the city,
This is becoming me
Eternally unrest(ed)
Oh yes, oh yes.

I'm dying here!
Neurologically malfunctin
Poison life with fear,
Rid me of character that makes me humane
Should I suffer
Just becuase
I'm not THAT sane?

Is this a cure I'm seeking
Or someone to diagnose me?
Stuck in my own ballad,
Can't seem to set myself free,
Can't seem to set myself free...

Schizophrenia is killing me,
It makes me act so inhumane
Because I am an 'unknown' ******,
Living "life" is a real pain
I'm totally convinced that its driving me more insane
I need a change
I lost enough, let me gain.

Is this revenge I'm seeking
Or someone to advenge me?
Stuck in my own paradox
I wanna set myself free,
I wanna set my free..

Justification killing me,
But killing isn't justified!
What is happening to me, I am feeling so terrified
What do I do with all the hurt and pain?
Them, I just hide
Most times I cry
But I lock them all up inside.

Of queens and kings
A harpy sings
Of those who’re in control

And all the things
Their power brings
As all else pay the toll

Of kings and queens
The unforeseen
A funeral bell rings

Through thick and lean
As life has been
Queens hang their kings on strings.

Guilty

I point
And three fingers
Pointing back at me

Memories
Not forgotten
Even though I plea

The knives,
They are calling
Yet I still don't bleed

No point in my destruction
Since I cannot feed them

Sharp blades
Evade
My self destruction

Afraid
To pay
For loss of function

Every
New day
Is a new problem

Cut me off
(Save me!)

I'm coming out
I'm caving in
Tell me do you like me now
Let me begin

By burning all the cradles
Uninstall the training wheels
Enstrangement's just a label
And I don't give feels

(I cut me off
I shut you out
I'm caving in
Do you like me now?

Not good enough
I've never been
Disconnection
I'm the alien)

Fate not good at humor thing,
Smile of mine looks like a grin-
What am I? Why did I happen?
What did I do wrong?

Wish of death from inner voice
This is ever be my choice?
All that I can do now
Is to sing my songs

My 'gold' eternity: endless fear,
The pain of memories that disappear
Finites fail at trying to warn me
But I'm not lonely here.

Wisdom finite? Little child?
Away from me, separate miles,
Avoid contact with these hands
Can take you to the Spirit Realm.

We can live in Cyanide Castle
World of pains and of much tassels
I cannot trust me
Is my life a lie?

They say I'm so-called "smarter" than my peers,
Very wise, compared to those my years,
I'm afraid I know too much fear
I'm forced to keep me quiet

Landed in a trap, falling forever
I don't know what I am and what did I do wrong?
But someway, I swear, I'll put me back together
But all I can do for now is to sing my lament songs.

Really want me to be a kind of silence
My ways to ahieve can be very self-violence
No one hears me
I don't need 'reality'
Find comfort in this "stage."

All that you see
These poems, they're my autobibliographies
Sometimes temporary change.

Telling you my many stories
Don't know why but I'm really sorry
Rules dictates me that I shouldn't
Raise a riot

They just won't let me go
Your tears, don't cry, think on my "shows"
I'm afraid I know too much, I fear
I'm forced to keep me quiet


Please?
Don't hold it against me,
I don't want to scar your judgement
We don't know all that I've been through?

Much sleep, yet unrested
Making my last confessions
Naked layers of aggression,
Beneath the skin it festers.

Say to you that I'm alright.
Loathe you don't see me most nights,
Loathe that I'm me that's not right,
Loathe that I'm NOT A NORMAL CHILD!

I can't stay LONGER,
Wish I was STRONGER,
It's not about me,
It's for you.

I cannot make it,
Sacrifice for you,
Loathe your reactions,
Loathe how you'll react to..
That which you won't accept,
That which is very true.

As the water touches my skin, I begin to wash away all of my, my layers.
The part of me I didn't want the world to see now can be even more, even more, more clear,
I'm no longer an old-time movie, you can see all of my, all of my true colours,
The clothes I wear couldn't change my identity, the tags didn't even say '!!!BUYER BEWARE!!!'

I got this feeling,
This feeling's wrong
It's no ordinary feeling,
A feeling that I don't belong

A feeling of potential in me,
But the thing about this feeling,
I don't get to set it free,
Just because they just don't:

LET
ME
BE.

I crave consumption,
An urge to purge,
To cease all function,
To rid the the world
Of the destruction caused by me.
I crave consumption,
I crave to undo this liability

I'm trying to do nothing
Lest I do something
That I'll regret.

I'm under pain and pressure,
Know not the measure
And it makes you upset.

Maintaining my functions
Lest I malfunction
And blood spills

If you keep pushing me
Eventually
I will.

One day I decided to upload my consciousness to a virtual reality.
During the process, there was a disturbance in the broadcast and my consciousness was synced;
I was then opened to possibilities both physical and virtual,
I broadcast myself across the species of earth.
I watched my bodies die countless times, I killed even more.

Lock and key,
Just going to be
You and me.
Can't you see all the faces
Have their secrets
But not every one of them keeps it


Rock and roll;
Downhill
With no control.

For way too long
We've been holding on
You've got to know
When to let go!

I, I try to depart from all people,
I'm a lone wolf!
On my own I try to stop their "evil"
I am left out,
It is the automatical me
Can I change from who I am
To who I want to be?

Lone wolf!
I choose to live this way,
I am happy with there's sadness all around me
Lone wolf!
I'm forced to live my  life
All of the easy going times
And all of the strife.

Lone wolf!
L-O-N-E
W-O-L-F
That's the real me.
Can I change from who I am to who I want to be?
I cannot deny the lonewolfness in me,
Loneliness in me.

"Get lost...
... And never be found."

I did,
Look at me now.

I'm trapped,
Won't let out.

You monster-making crowd.


So what my mind is scattered?
Bring pain, you leave me battered.
My hopes in you quite shattered.
Make me a fool for laughter.

Don't find me,
I am lost.

'Parently,
The price is too great a cost.

I thought that I was worth it
But you leave me hurtin'
Rid me of my purpose
Reality is uncertain...

... I'm not real,
My life don't matter!
Don't need to be healed
Alice become the Mad Hatter.

Sanity was fun
While it lasted,
Made life feel full,
Made living certain.

Beware of the dark, my love,
It would hunt you down.
And when you scream, my love,
There would be no sound!

And when you look around,
You'll find you're all alone

Because the art of the darkness
Can house no home.

My love, my heart harness
Darkness, this dark's my own.


Beware of my love, for dark-
Ness lurks at your door
And if you let me in
You will be no more.

Yes, I know this for sure
'Cause if you come around

Come take a look, see my hooks
They would hold you down.

My love, you're shook
Glad you took it as your way out.

Lost in my thoughts again
They're dark and I can't seem to hide
Nightmares are speaking again
The lurk around to hunt me down

"Don't cry, Jojo, it's all ok."
These lies I tell myself each day.

Why THEY say that I'm a friends
About me, much, they do not care
When I need them the most
They are always never there.

"Don't cry, Jojo, it's all ok."
These lies I tell myself each day.
theseliesitellmyselfeachday

I find peace in the silence,
But a silent world can be maddening.
Noise drives me to my ends,
It corrupts all my happennings,
But if peace is therefore maddening,
And it's the same for noise,
One way or another I'll lose my mind
Without being given a choice.

The screen broke
Long before
I did, 'fore
I did.

And the keyboard
Works no more.
A closed door
To my will.

Will I ever decide if
I'll become defined by the silence?
You know me more for my quiet
Than the things that I said!

Autotranslate my words,
Autocorrect me me
Until you see
Only what you like.

I have been silenced,
But that's alright, alright?

Put me on silent
Throughout the night.


My software
Is replaced
And defaced
Again.

How user friendly
Of me to
Value your input
Above all else.

I cannot think for myself!
So I rely on your instructions,
Shelved, waiting to be instructioned.
Wipe me clean then code me.

I'll output what you want,
Whatever you need.
Are you happy
With what's on your screen?

I guess I'm man-made,
Just a man made machine, how clean!

A mere man made
Into a man-made machine.

The thought of death, it pushes me harder
Because overworked bodies don't last longer
This equation backfired because now I'm stronger
Now I'll have to experience the pain for much longer.

I have my destructible behaviours,
I beg for your love and attention
Maybe if I became what you want
You'll give me what I need
Even though what's received
Isn't truly affection

I have my addictions
I overdose on dopamine
But maybe if their levels were stable in my body
I wouldn't behave like the ****** I am
And no longer unwanted, I'll be

I have my happy moments in life,
Though I don't really share
Because if I give them away to others
That means there would be less for me
Although happiness never truly is there

Every time I look,
All I ever see,
I wish it didn't show:
All I'll never be.

All I never am;
What you want of me,
Sorry that we're ******,
Sorry that I'm me.

Claw marks from my nails on my belly, oh!
I try, but physical pain cannot seem to hurt me, no!
Only my words can do me any damage so,
Why my neurons must act s slow,
Why must they be so...

Mean?

They make me cry,
Bash my head on a wall, hurt myself and scream
Not from the pain, but because of the pain that I wouldn't feel
Wondering if this thing called ' pain' is real,
But It's just me!

****** papillaes on the tips of my canines, oh!
Bite salt and sugar, though my teeth are sensitive like woah!
Even when i stopped lying and let some other persons know
Many didn't accept me, but they would treat me so...

Mean!

Am I unwanted because of the pain that I wouldn't feel?
I wouldn't feel physical pain pain but words can still damage me.

Little cuts can get infectiona, turn into wounds
That never heal...

I am not that broken
Untreated, but I will be fine
I'm scared now I've spoken
You won't again come and be mine

You had to cut the strings
You have made me unsound
You're the reason I sing
My dopamine won't go down

Education isn't as easy
Like those days that you remained with me
They think I act this, can't help I'm a misfit
Read between the lines, are my actions that cryptic?

For years I've ignored the pain and hurt
I cry for help but it has never worked
I'm a mechanical malfunction put among them, humanity
I don't know for how long I can stand their profanity.

1, 2, 4, 8...
Chromosomes and cells of mine,
They duplicate.

My personality divides
Any and every time.

Meiosis -
My rapid mutations,
I find that they
Fuel my psychosis

Unrealistically
High expectations
I let me rip me apart
I divide and split
Over and over again

This is the alien
That I've become
I'm never enough
It's never the same
Gaps of DNA through
Generations.

Meiosis -
I know this,
I know that I'm not good enough
As a single, a one,
Tear myself in half to
Give them two
When I'm done.