Writing
Synonymous with a drug
Miming the story in my head
Does not take the edge
Off.
No,
I must physically take a swig
Sling the pen on the paper
See the words in their truest form
Word-***** on the page
Drunk with laughter, tears and rage
High on prose
People
And places
I must create
Or I'll die
Just one more sentence
Maybe two
And then I'll find my way
In this bed I'll stay
This will be the last time
I write at 3am
...
I promise...

I was thinking yesterday
About how to end my life
About what I could do
To make it less painful
For my loved ones.

Do I find my husband another woman?
Do I make sure my mom has friends to lean on?
Do I get another puppy that my dog can play with as a distraction?

Should I write eveyone a detailed note?
Should I move far away?
Should I pretend I'm fine until the end?

What did my dad do?

Did he have an outline of his plans?
Did he polish up his bank account?
Did he tidy up his room?
Was his note written in advance?
Was he off his medication?
Was his mind always made up?

I was thinking about ending my life
But I dont think
I was prepared to leave.

I cannot breathe

My nostrils caving in on themselves
The sensation of impaling arrows piercing my chest

My body is heavier than it was
A minute ago
When I wasnt thinking
About
My breathing.

Twidling fingers
The twitch of my jaw
Restless legs: a mind of their own

This bed doesnt feel as comfortable
As it did
When I wasnt thinking
About
Relaxing.

"Just breathe"
"Its all in your head"
"Sink into the mattress"
"Dont look at how late it is"

My mind is much louder now
Than it was
When I wasnt thinking
About
My anxiety.

How many of us are trapped?
So little are those that make writing
A career
So many of us
Starving
For an opportunity

How many of us are Nurses?
Engineers?
Doctors?
Retail salesmen?
Teachers?
Business people?
Students?

Life is so different outside of
The four corners
Of our screens

But here we are
Forgetting the day-to-day

Embracing
These 5 minutes of
Free
Creative
Salvation

Hellopoetry
Goodbye society

Why settle for less
Than you know you deserve?

A flower wont sprout
If it doesn't get what it needs.

Why should you?

When you are afraid
It will masquerade
As smiles and nods
There is no escape

If fear is a lier
Yanking my thinnest wire
I am too trusting
Pouring gasoline on the fire

Now I'm shaking to the bone
My feet are made of stone
I'm surrounded by faces
Yet somehow I'm alone

I have loved you
Longer than I expected

Harder
Than I wanted

And more beautifully
Than I could imagine

My mind thinks of the worst things I could do to you
The worst person I've ever met
With your slander
And lies
I could destroy you
And I want to
But I won't
Because then I become you
And I could never forgive myself for that.

Why did you do that 5 days after my 19th birthday?

As if waiting until i graduated college
Or walking me down the aisle
Or seeing your grandchildren
Would make the pain any less bareable...

And its the little things that play with my emotions

Like...

Knowing i can never text you again

-Or wait by my window to watch you drive up the driveway because you were the only thing I was looking forward to all week

-Or sitting at an old burger joint discussing the power of the mind when intertwined with spirituality

-Or seeing the look on your face when I chased you around our handmade baseball field in the backyard

Those are the things I would give my own life to get back.

But two suicides dont make a life.
(At least thats what my psychologists say)

But I know if I could see my father again,
I would be taking my life back

God, please grant me wings
So I can fly up to heaven
And kiss my father
Goodnight

So I can swerve through the clouds
To get to my father
Who waits for me in the glimmering light of the sun

Let me wrap my trembling arms around him
And wet the collar of his shirt
With hot tears

Allow me to scream
And cry
And whisper
That I love him
More than he could know

Please, God, grant me wings
Even just for the night
So I can tell my father
I'm going to be
Alright.

I am made of the moon and stars
A sparkle of fairy dust drifitng idly in the wind
The glint of sunlight kissing the calm ocean waves
For all I know
The world is beautiful
A balance of cosmic energy shifting from one medium to the next
The electricity bouncing back and forth between lovers
The first gust of air a baby gathers in it's lungs
This is the lulling harmony traced around the world
A silent reassurance
That everything
Will be alright.

My mind was made of moonlight and fresh strawberries
Of a sunset kissing the perfect G chord
The interweavings of dreams and earth
A push and pull kind of mentality
Suspended in air
Until the last breath falls
My words are glass,
Sleek and breakable but
Strong against the wind
I dont forget a face
Or a mental illness
My songs are a life of their own
My stories, a world incongruous with reality
I've been sewn together with slivers of ocean foam
I've been given eyes of the first winter breeze
I am incomplete
I hold the world in a box buried in my chest
Beating away
Away
Away

Oh, world! Let me write!
Let me sling my pen across the page
Let me smash my fingers to the keys
Make them shake and break and bleed
"Its not easy being me"
I will write on top of a mountain
Write in the middle of a thundering wave
Speak unspoken words to thin-bladed air
Make my voice heard because
"Theres no one like me"
Let me essay the truth
Let me stanza the lies
Whatever you do
Just help me now
And let me write
Until
I ask you
To stop.

I cant move from this stagnant state
Im angry and sad
And i need to lose weight

What i love
I dont do
What I need
I ask you

And i hate myself tonight
Because i know whats right
I'm not doing it

Im frozen
Stuck in the same
Back and forth motion

Pleading for a change
Criticizing what i love
And i love only one thing

I cant be lost anymore
I need help
To feel secure

So this is the party I pity
I ask God
To please forgive me

Im better
I know it

I just need
The strength to show it.

You dont need people
To see your strength
To convince yourself
That you are strong.



You are.

Her eyes were tired from crying

About the voice

of a ghost

in her head.

Dont call youself a loser
Because that's not what you are
In my eyes and in my heart,
You're a shining shooting star

You are perfect and loving,
The flower that always blooms.
Even when your stuck in dirt,
Your petals gleam amongst the moon

Dont give up the grueling fight
This is what you've known and done
Dont keep beating on your head,
Strike the pain until you've won.

Dont suffer or be angry
Thank God for this great chance
To show them you don't just sing
But steal the spotlight when you dance

Im deep in the throws of finding myself
Caught in the undertow
Tumbling under the surface
After a wave pushes me down
I cant see what direction is up
And what is down
Theres pressure from all sides
Pushing and pulling
Like children in masks
Waiting for you to choose them
Who am I without a clear path?
Who was I born to be?
Does it even matter?
Thoughts jumble and
Twist into knots
Its impossible to untangle
The truth
But they say the truth will set you free
Am I forever to be
A prisoner of my own indecision?
Of my own lack of insight
Into who i am?
Because it is scary,
Getting lost in the current,
And when I can finally come up for air
I hope it tastes sweeter
Than I remember

Oh beautiful flower

Your petals are falling

Your stem is bending

Your scent is fading.

What kind of flower are you?

Not bright or tall

Nor colored or warm

You stand out amongst them all.

A flower so keen on the heat of the sun

And the chill of the night

With the wind you will run.

For the pretty and the perfect flowers

Are a comforting sight

But the flower thats different

Makes a difference in life.

When I feel
Inadequate
I get the urge to
Cut
Like slicing my
Arm
Would make me
Worthy
Would make me
Enough
As if
Devouring
My flesh would
Prove
That I am as they
Say
I am
Not good
Enough
Not good
Enough.
No.
I'm
More
Than
Enough.

Why dont we post about sadness?
Because life must be perfect?
Because we must be happy,
Achieving,
Dreaming,
Believing ,
Yet everyone knows struggle.
We know the downs,
The ache,
The anger,
When we
Break.
But we keep silent
And only show the best of ourselves.
Like if we weren't our best
We would be alone at our worst.
Its not normal
To be perfect.
To shine 100%
Of the time.
We mustn't teach ourselves
That we only have support
When we are happy.

Language is so beautiful
So strong
The most powerful thing a person has
Is their words
The ones they speak
The way they say them
When they say them
The ones they keep hidden
Words have the power to change minds
They have the finesse to draw out emotions
They have the ability to flip the world upside down
Or right side up
Words are like candy
They can be sweet
Or sour
They are like the sky
Stormy
Or clear
Words can eat you up from the inside
Or destroy you from the outside
There is nothing more simple yet potent that exists
Words rule the world
So choose yours carefully

I am alive
In harmony with nature
The trickle of rain drops
Bounce off the orange and yellow leaves.
To soak my feet
In the damp field of green blades.
To sink my back
In the silence of the soil.
Inhale and exhale
To the beat of dancing thunder.
Cleanse my body with your beautiful, mysterious tears
Mother Earth,
I am your body
Mother Earth,
You are my soul

Remember that all things fade.
All creatures must have an end
To bear new beginnings.
And all new beginnings
Come from resolution.

I made them laugh
I made them smile
I found my purpose
For a while

But they kept laughing
When I said nothing to chuckle
Then they stared and they pointed
As my knees began to buckle

"But I was useful"
That's what I thought
But a delusional clown
Fits in with naught.

When I met the wise, old man
I asked him the questions
What am I doing now?
What is next?
What is holding me back?
How do I overcome?

What am I doing now?
He showed me fireworks
And fists raised
An envelopement
Strong laughter
A tightly wound cocoon
A smile of a lover
A comfortable chair.

What is next?
The sound of scribling
Paper becoming full
The turn of a page
A burst of tears
An overwhelming achievement

What is holding me back?
A wailing in the rain
A dark,
Lonely room
Closed eyes
Anxious heart
A Comfortable chair

How do I overcome?
Running
Sweating
Sacrificing
Sitting in a chair
Exhaustion

Then I ask the wise, old man
If I will be
A success
And he threw a stick
In the fire
Pointed to the sparks
And held my hand.

Ideas lick my brain at night.
Teasing me to pen the paper.
But indulgence is the oppsite
Of letting go.
I must sleep,
In order to dream.

Every day and night

I fight for my life.

So every morning,

I can be proud

That I succeeded at something.

Shes a twinkling star
The van goh of art
The call of the sea
The roots of a tree

She dances with the moon
Can break iron cocoons
Shes a sunset on the beach
The sweet taste of a peach

She may stumble or fall
But her spirit says it all
She can shine without light
If she believes she is bright

The pain of grief
Can last lifetimes
If it gets the chance.

.    .    .

I dont want it to get that chance.

Leave.

I never knew the best way to initiate *** (or this poem for that matter)
I'm either completely submissive or surprisingly dominant
There's not much in between

I first kiss you slowly
Like an old fashioned movie
Spreading your lips
With my lips
Enter the realm of unknowing

When my tongue embraces yours
My heart beating, uncontrollably
The warmth of you breath
The dampness of your mouth
Positively suffocating

Without another thought
Our clothes begin to come off
Your hands hidden within my hair
We are as we were born
Selfish and bare

Lead me into the darkness
Where the only sense that matters
Is touch
Shield my broken body
Speak unspoken love

Bracing myself
I hold my breath
As I pull your body
Closer
To my chest

Like a well known dance
Your hips move like fire
I melt loudly between the sheets
I am vulnerable
To your desire

Lay rested on your back
For I am protector of the nest
I can hear you breathing
Harder
As sweat trickles down my breast

The time has arrived
I close my tired eyes
Because its darker
And more familiar
As I arch back to grip your thighs

My whole body is shaking
Yours is too
And when it's over
Your breath is softer
My mind is now anew

And when all is done
And we've restored our sight
My closed lips
Kiss your closed lips
And we both respond "goodnight"

My heart belongs to you.
It always has and it always will.

When I place my hands in yours, i am courageous because i know that we face life together

When you hold me in your arms, i am calm because i know you will keep me safe

When we both say i love you for the tenth time in the day, i am blessed because it does not and never will lose its meaning

I will admit there are times i get frustrated because i dont know how to communicate the extent of my love for you

It is truly the perfect flaw that, even with my love of words, i can't seem to find the right ones to tell you how i feel

But I can tell you this:

Loving you is like walking on air without the fear of falling

Its holding up the world with one hand and playing a symphony with the other

Its dancing on the moon without helmets and still breathing effortlessly
Its laughing when there's nothing to laugh about because just smiling wont do true happiness justice

You were more than a friend, a boyfriend, a fiance and now a husband.
You are the soul that mine has choosen to walk this earth in life with and fly together after death

For eternity with you doesn't mean just in this life, but beyond what we cant see or understand

So may my words stay with you always because this is what i vow to you:

I vow to love you unconditionally, every day, and every second of our lives

I vow to embrace you in the good times and the bad

I vow to face those times with you, together as we've always done

I vow to love and care for our family with you

I vow to support and encourage you in all your dreams and life endeavors

I vow to be your jiu jitsu partner when you get the urge to leg lock me

I vow to do my best at making a decision about what show to watch at dinner

I vow to **** the bee's if you **** the spiders

I vow to stay child-like with you and to remember that life isnt always so serious

I vow to bring the harmony when we belt out to disney songs in the car together

I vow to travel with you and take every place as an adventure even if its down the street

I vow to be your sturdy rock or your squishy sponge depending on what you need


I vow to love you with all that I am for the rest of my life and beyond

I give myself to you now and forever. I choose you as my best friend, my lover, my husband and my soulmate.

Thank you for making me the luckiest woman in the world.

I love you.

Seek accomplishment in love

And you will never fail again

Let my words slide like slithering snakes on your tongue
Devour my sentence structure like children ******* thumbs
Feel the anguish of fake people that can't see, touch or hear
Then when your tears sludge the page, I am your master puppeteer
May every letter leave you wetter and each comma stir up drama
And when you reach the end of it all, you'll be begging for more trauma.

A cutless mage
So weary of speech
The magicians basket
A tale to teach

For wanding and waving
The dreams of the dreary
The illusion of joy
A load he must carry

What spells, what tricks
Does his basket contain
A book of the difference
Between revere and disdain

For his shoes have been worn
And robe has no sleeves
The midnight mage
Lost his glow in the weave

Suspended in wind
The magician has forgotten
The blooming of Daisy's
Now litter his coffin

The townsmen share tales
As they laugh and they weep
Of the mage in the mask
Who never thought to speak

Because no one wants to see it.

I have always claimed you
As my heart.
For I remember
The delicacy of your hands
Touching my face
When I needed your love.
The walls you would build around me
When you knew I didnt have the courage
To face whatever was on the other side.
The calm song of encouragement you would sing to me
When I convinced myself
Not to believe in me.
The joy in your eyes when it was
Pizza friday even when we didnt have the funds to do it
But ***** it, its pizza friday!
Mom, we've had our fights.
Your drunken nights
I would sometimes scream
To see if the Chardonnay had reached The level of your ear drums yet.
To see if your balance was unconscious again.
And when you started smoking cigarrettes,
My blood caught fire like the white tip of your newest fatal hobby.
After losing Dad, I get your stressed out,
But why do we now have nothing to ******* talk about?
Except money.
"What am I going to do?"
Ive heard it my whole life, Mom.
Because poverty is like a greedy leach
It's never satisfied,
Never ready to move on to the next
Sap with the hopes of
A white picket fence and a beautiful golden retreiver
Thats what you wanted, your whole life,
Right, Mom?
And now,
We only talk
About priorities.
Because when I'm around you
For more than five minutes,
I become Me from the past.
Your daughter locked in her room,
Afraid
Avoiding
But still missing you.
Now,
Whenever you dont return my call,
My mind slips into the dark place, remember?
The place I needed help from.
Yeah, its still there.
I fear that you are dead,
Rotting in your house
Alone.
Because Im not there.
And dad's not there.
No one is there.
Daunting, knocking on the inside of my skull,
'What are you doing? Are you okay?'
I want to help.
I dont want to make another mistake
Like when dad died
I wasnt there.
Mom,
I love you
So so much.
Please stay alive.
Please, place your hands and
Touch my face.

Im ready to know what it's like
To live my dreams.
What sacrifices must be made,
What joys I will experience
And what sorrows.
How different the coffee will taste,
How soundly I'll sleep.
If the stars will shine brighter
Or dimmer.
If the sun will reveal the best
Or the worst.
Life has a kink
For people who dare to be courageous.
Because not enough of us
Are ready to chase our dreams
Until it's too late.
So, I'm ready.