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Feb 2 · 699
Smile for the Gram
Kelsey Feb 2
Why dont we post about sadness?
Because life must be perfect?
Because we must be happy,
Achieving,
Dreaming,
Believing ,
Yet everyone knows struggle.
We know the downs,
The ache,
The anger,
When we
Break.
But we keep silent
And only show the best of ourselves.
Like if we weren't our best
We would be alone at our worst.
Its not normal
To be perfect.
To shine 100%
Of the time.
We mustn't teach ourselves
That we only have support
When we are happy.
Feb 2 · 118
From What's Left
Kelsey Feb 2
I cannot keep going
Around and around
A merry-go-round
A life where I drown.
I work
Hard.
Be the best
I can.
For people
Who dont know
Who I really
Am.
My demons
And angels
Tear eachother
Apart.
And the result
That they leave me
Is a beating
Broken heart.
Im in there somewhere. Afraid to come out, but dying to break free.
Jan 13 · 300
Momentum
Kelsey Jan 13
I haven't taken a nap in 3 days.

This might not sound like a big deal
Or a difficult task.
Maybe it doesn't sound like a task at all
For some people.

But for me it is huge.
Its an accomplishment.
A step forward.
A jumped hurdle.
Another check mark on my mental health journey.
And I don't give myself enough credit.

So here I am,
Assuring myself
That the small things,
Aren't small at all.
Jan 6 · 44
Ground Up
Kelsey Jan 6
You must cut the clay before you can mold the sculpture
Jan 6 · 330
Ignorance is Bliss
Kelsey Jan 6
Knowing the ending before writing a book is like knowing how you will die before you are born
Jan 6 · 89
Leap
Kelsey Jan 6
No one has ever taken their first steps without first abandoning caution
Dec 2020 · 104
A Family For Show
Kelsey Dec 2020
I find myself reaching
For branches and vines
That make up family ties
Only to discover
That they break
And they tangle
Offering no support
In the cold brew
Of night
But when the sun shines
They are sturdy and forgiving


That's not the kind of family
I want to hold onto.
In hard times, you think family will help you and have your back. And then those hard times come and you realize it was all for show.
Nov 2020 · 73
Whats my name
Kelsey Nov 2020
I cant remember
Who I am
What I've done
Or where I've been
Its too painful
The twist and turns
To swallow whole
Those ashes urned
If im not
Numb
I must be
Dumb
A fly
A crumb
Master of
None
I must be
Insane
With an empty
Brain
A shell of
Pain
Without a
Name
Oct 2020 · 47
The Bad Days
Kelsey Oct 2020
Whats the point of life
        

          When you cant do anything right
Oct 2020 · 53
Life has no
Kelsey Oct 2020
Autocorrect
Oct 2020 · 174
I dont remember your face
Kelsey Oct 2020
Sometimes
when I look at old pictures of you,
I cant remember you.
I cant remember
what used to look like
or what your face would look like now if it was looking back at me.
Because when I see you,
I see the sadness.
The sadness that I feel
without your presence
and the sadnes
that took you away from me.
I see the life you lived
that many times I couldn't be a part of.
I see the silence
that housed your suffering,
but also the joy that you gave
to every person that has passed through you.
I see the empty chair on my wedding day
and the vacant arms around my children.
I see myself reaching for you
and crying your name when I'm alone and forgotten.
So when I look at you,
I dont see your face.
I dont see your gray hairs
or brown eyes or fake smile.
I see your past,
and my future
and everything in between 
and I miss it.
I miss you.
Oct 2020 · 83
Busy
Kelsey Oct 2020
Fire
Keeps burning
Smoke
Kisses
The night sky
The world
Doesnt stop
Turning
Never
Has the sun
Not risen
Forever
I will be yearning
For the leaves
To stop
Falling
The wolves
To stop
Calling
Its
Better
To sleep
In cold
Weather
But the phones
Wont stop ringing
And my
Head
Wont stop
Singing
A letter
To the
Universe:
I would
Appreciate
A small
Break.
Oct 2020 · 1.0k
Progress
Kelsey Oct 2020
Flowers don't bloom in a day.

No matter how many times you water them.
Sep 2020 · 235
Insert Happiness
Kelsey Sep 2020
You are
My first [puppy].
My first [dog].

I never thought
I could look at someone like you
And know,
Truly know,
That nothing else matters
But you.

That time will keep moving,
And problems will keep growing.
But what's important
Is the
Here
And Now
With you.

Thank you
For reminding me
That love
Is all I need
To be happy.
Disnt know i could love a dog as much as i do.
Sep 2020 · 330
Communication
Kelsey Sep 2020
Oh, be that it may
Just a thought or two
That I may have a moment
Of weakness with you

When I'm angry
You are sad
When life is good
We are bad

So take a second
Take a seat
Take a breath
Rest your feet

If you talk
I wont speak
And if I cry
Dont critique

I am yours
You are mine
We have forever
Let's take our time
Sep 2020 · 45
Ping Pong Thoughts
Kelsey Sep 2020
Dont.
Stop.

If you do,
You'll fall apart.

Everything
Will crumble around you.

If you stop.

Keep.
Working.

It is all
Worth it.

The exhaustion
Will give you happiness.

You will
Be happy.

If you stop.
Kelsey Aug 2020
Why do you always have to be in my way?
Don't you want the same thing?
Your standing in OUR way.
Always looking at the cloud above your head,
Never at the sun peering through.
You'll never be anything if you dont move.
Move away from the door,
So I can open it;
So you can be happy.
You're in your own head
Instead of your own mind.
You know what you love.
You get confused.
But you know your capabilities.
You know yourself.
You're standing on the line of fear;
Just move your feet.
Move forward.
You'll never know whats behind that door
Until you open it.
Until you walk through it.
With your heart open,
And breathe.
Aug 2020 · 105
Dog Mind
Kelsey Aug 2020
I'm salivating for happiness,






Yet, never seem to get a taste.
I want it so bad
Jul 2020 · 41
Puzzle
Kelsey Jul 2020
I feel like everything's falling apart...

and im the only one who knows how to pick up the pieces.
Ive been feeling so depressed today and every day and nothing has gotten any better.
Jul 2020 · 1.0k
Don't Call Yourself a Loser
Kelsey Jul 2020
Dont call youself a loser
Because that's not what you are
In my eyes and in my heart,
You're a shining shooting star

You are perfect and loving,
The flower that always blooms.
Even when your stuck in dirt,
Your petals gleam amongst the moon

Dont give up the grueling fight
This is what you've known and done
Dont keep beating on your head,
Strike the pain until you've won.

Dont suffer or be angry
Thank God for this great chance
To show them you don't just sing
But steal the spotlight when you dance
Dedicated to the woman i love the most❤
Jul 2020 · 418
Introspection
Kelsey Jul 2020
For a moment--
            
                         I was sad that he left me.


But then I realized--


                          It was I who left him.
Jul 2020 · 105
Star in my Window
Kelsey Jul 2020
Star in my window,
What must you have seen.
A sad and angry girl
With a wish and a dream.

Have you seen her cry?
Or moan in bed?
Have you seen the dark clouds
That hang over her head?

What books does she read?
What thoughts does she think?
Is it true she doesnt sleep
But just excessivly blinks?

Little star,
Youre so far
But have seen a great deal

And when the world
Looks back at you
They remember
Why they feel
Kelsey Jun 2020
Technology is a beating heart
A life that has become an integral part
Of me:

I am the internet,
The apps,
The text messages
That cause collapse

I am the Google searches,
The Amazon purchases,
The single letters
That create these verses

I am the statistic you search for
Of Depression in America.
I am the sad song you play,
When you realize life is an enigma.

Im there when you lay in bed
At 3 in the morning,
And ask Google why it's been years and you still feel like youre in mourning.

I'm the quiz that you take
To test the validity of your sadness.
And the other 5 you take
As you succumb to your own madness

I'm your Facebook friend,
Sharing mental health posts,
About women your age
Writing their suicide notes.

I'm your Instagram feed
You have a smile on your face
But people never read the caption:
"This is the last post I will make"

You can get all you want with just the click of my button
Please dont buy anything that contributes to you being forgotten

You can say anything you want
Within a text
As long as I turn off auto correct,
Because when you say "I've been doing great",
You mean "I'm going to slit my neck".

I'm the to-do list app you download
To feel like your life is together
But my boxes never get checked
Because tomorrow sounds a lot better

I'm the pictures in your phone
To remind you your not alone.
I'm the memo in your technology
Where you write your suicide apologies.

I'm the alarms you never touch
That alert you to start your day.
But when you never turn me on,
Youre just skipping the foreplay.

I'm the email notifications
Spewing the benefits of *******
Because you need something to distract you
From it's negative connotations

I'm the flashlight when you need me because your lamp won't be going on.
Its already 4 in the afternoon,
your bed is now where you belong.

I'm your two way connection
When your boyfriend calls to check on you
He can hear the sadness in your voice
But doesn't know what else to do

I'm the calendar that alerts you
You have an exam next week,
I hate being your YouTube search on the best suicide techniques.

I wish you would reply to the group chat,
They want to meet you at the mall.
Now they're bad mouthing you
Because you don't seem to care at all.

Please, just turn on some music.
I promise that you can choose it
I don't like the words you're typing,
"Death" isn't better in writing

Just stop what you're doing,
And let me bring up your history.
Remember before your dad died,
You were his greatest victory?

I'm the forums and the hotlines
and the encouraging words,
That people all over the world want to be heard.

You can use me as your outlet,
but I won't be your oppression.

It's so easy for technology
To manifest as your depression.
Your technology can tell alot about you and your thoughts and feelings. It can truly manifest as your depression.
May 2020 · 231
Quarter-life Crisis
Kelsey May 2020
It's better to know who you are not
Than who you are
May 2020 · 73
Questions
Kelsey May 2020
Could I live by myself?
In the blur?
In the cold?
In the shadows?
In the woods?
By a lake,
Go on foot?

Could I live without a job?
Without cash?
Without time?
Without them?
Without rhyme?

Could I live without blame?
Blaming him?
And her?
And them?
And myself?

Can I ask myself questions
long enough
to forget
why I asked
in the first place?
I dont know where my life is going and alot of time im uncertain what to do next. Hopefully ill find the answers soon.
May 2020 · 187
Have you ever thought:
Kelsey May 2020
Am I stupid, uneducated or just overthinking?
May 2020 · 258
One Day
Kelsey May 2020
There will be a day when I look back at where I am now and say "Wow, I had no idea how beautiful life could be".
May 2020 · 159
Lost
Kelsey May 2020
Ive never felt so

lost

In a place so

transparent
Apr 2020 · 159
It Always Ends
Kelsey Apr 2020
I wish
I could just take a break
Without
An end date.
Always think about when my time to myself will be over. I wish there was no end date.
Apr 2020 · 1.3k
The Perfect Flower
Kelsey Apr 2020
Oh beautiful flower

Your petals are falling

Your stem is bending

Your scent is fading.

What kind of flower are you?

Not bright or tall

Nor colored or warm

You stand out amongst them all.

A flower so keen on the heat of the sun

And the chill of the night

With the wind you will run.

For the pretty and the perfect flowers

Are a comforting sight

But the flower thats different

Makes a difference in life.
Apr 2020 · 189
New Beginnings
Kelsey Apr 2020
The petals of spring sank beautifully in the puddles of rain as she traded her sneakers for heels, entered the back of the black car and drove away for the last time.
Imagery
Apr 2020 · 170
When Love is Gone
Kelsey Apr 2020
My body split in two.
Broken without you.
What is it about love,
That, when lost, causes such intense emotion?
I think that when we lose it forever,
When we truly cannot share in that love ever again,
That is when we question...

Why we ever love at all.
I miss you every day.
Apr 2020 · 427
Alone at Sea
Kelsey Apr 2020
I cant shake this feeling of despair.
Of longing.
Might my heart be shipped away on a boat without its mast?
Idle in the sea, forgotten of direction.
Sink as I may,  for my heart carries the load.
And shall the waves digress,
let the sailors sail in peace.
Apr 2020 · 425
Suggestions:
Kelsey Apr 2020
You can't ask other people to live your life for you.
Decide your life for yourself !
Mar 2020 · 94
The Writer's Life
Kelsey Mar 2020
To be a writer
Or a poet
I believe
Are the same
Whether it's stories
Or haikus
We have something to say
In a journal
Or a stanza
A screenplay
Or two
A life without writing
Is a life that won't do
I want to dedicate my career to writing novels, but I work full time. I set aside time in the day to write, but I wish the time I spend at work was time spent on my dreams.
Mar 2020 · 195
Forget Me Not
Kelsey Mar 2020
"Don't forget about me" She said.

"I'd forget how to breathe before I forget about you" He replied.
Feb 2020 · 92
To Ashes
Kelsey Feb 2020
My heart is on fire
Beating loud against my chest
Tumbling and screaming
Its suffering at best

I do not want to feel this way
To hide unconscious in my bed
To beg the Lord so many times
To drag me out of my head

My body is collapsing
My brain wont stop shouting
"I hate myself, you cant do anything"
This depression is undoubting

Another day, another minute, another second
I must hold on
But im choking on the smoke
Of the heart of mine thats gone
Jan 2020 · 226
Love is
Kelsey Jan 2020
An arena of emotions dancing for an empty crowd
Jan 2020 · 78
7 Years Ago : A Memory
Kelsey Jan 2020
I find myself thinking,
What was happening 7 years ago?
At this exact moment?
Was it the bombshell that my mother dropped on me?
That my dad tried to **** himself?
Was it watching my mother wail at the sky as we got ready to go to the hospital?
Was it me, praying the same prayer over and over again during the car ride up?
Was it me trying to calm myself down in the bathroom before i went any further?
Was it sitting in a secluded waiting room, anxiety-ridden, thinking "why wont they take me to him?"
Was it the nurse and the doctor that told me they tried everything they could but "he died"?
Was it my own cry that happened automatically because i was still in shock?
Or was it sitting at the bedside looking at you and not knowing what to say?
Was it me saying "im sorry" or "i love you"?
Was it my trepid feet not wanting to leave your room because i knew it would be the last time i saw you?

What moment was it 7 years ago?

I guess... my memory is failing me.
I think about this day often. The day my heart broke and shattered. I miss him so dearly and love him so much. Sometimes i wish I'd forget. And other times, i don't want to.
Dec 2019 · 541
Just A Clown
Kelsey Dec 2019
I made them laugh
I made them smile
I found my purpose
For a while

But they kept laughing
When I said nothing to chuckle
Then they stared and they pointed
As my knees began to buckle

"But I was useful"
That's what I thought
But a delusional clown
Fits in with naught.
Finding your place in a work setting can be difficult, especially when you're so different from your coworkers.
Kelsey Dec 2019
Love
It is an emotion with all the power
I find myself saying,
I cannot live a fulfilling life
Without you.
I am happy.
Because I know,
This is what I've been waiting for
Love
Can be read top to bottom or bottom to top, but love will always stay the same
Dec 2019 · 208
A Star
Kelsey Dec 2019
Did I see a shooting star?
I shot up from my bed,
There was a white glowing dot racing through the sky.
Bigger than your average star
Faster, more elagant than a plane.
It soared diagnally across the sky.
I was in a daze.
A trail of sparkles and twinkle dust dispersed from its tail.
It went behind the trees, but I could still see for a moment.
Then it disappeared, into thin air.
No where to be found.
Not through the cracks of tree branches or by a gleam in the sky.
It was gone.
No destination or proper exit.
It left as mysteriously as it came.
I made my wish quick just in case it was meant for me,
"Please, I wish to be a great author"
Was that a shooting star?
Or a falling star?
Was it a star at all?
I wonder.
This just happened to me and I felt compelled to write about it. Magic appears when you least expect it. This meant a lot to me.
Dec 2019 · 169
The sickness
Kelsey Dec 2019
Dip me in health
I want to pause time
Where no one can hurt me
And i dont have to die

A picture of youth
A dappling of stars
A wind of the past
As i wait from afar

I am weak, i am frivolous
Heal my shameful body
So i can rise from the ashes
Where the sickness cannot stop me
Dec 2019 · 126
Four Walls
Kelsey Dec 2019
Four walls
Two windows
One bed
Busy head

What I would give
For open pastures
And a calm mind
Nov 2019 · 99
We're Selfish
Kelsey Nov 2019
You're happy
You're free
No more pain
You found the key

No more problems
No more worries
No more secrets
You must bury

An angel you are
And forever will be
You chose to leave earth,
And you chose to leave me.
We were both selfish. And I'm sorry for that.
Nov 2019 · 292
The Mind Can Write
Kelsey Nov 2019
I need to write
I need to write
Im caged, I'm fragile
Im drowning in fright

Awaken my body
Please my mind
His timing is perfect
So, whens the right time?

I cant hear myself breath
I dont notice myself think
The pen is on the paper
But I'm the missing link

God, why cant i move forward?
What is the purpose in the struggle?
It is harder than imagined
To pop my comfort bubble
Nov 2019 · 46
How I spend my day
Kelsey Nov 2019
This is how I spend my day.
Lay in bed,
Close my eyes,
Open them,
Pick up my phone,
Put it down,
Close my eyes again.
I want to do this,
And that.
But I wont get out of bed.
Something needs to change.
Maybe that thing
Is me.
Nov 2019 · 100
Pillows
Kelsey Nov 2019
My pillows aren't right
One side too fluffy
The other too flat
Flip it.
Switch it.
Bunch it.
Theres no use to it.
Maybe,
It's time
To change
Pillows
After all.
The meaning is what you make it
Nov 2019 · 235
Supress
Kelsey Nov 2019
When sadness comes
I push away
"No, I dont want to do this today"

Because if I face my fears
So dark, so clear
Joy won't have a reason to stay

Supress, supress
Clean up your mess
And live to smile a new day
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