I've had a cold
For a week

I got mad at my body,
"Why dont you just heal yourself or die at this point?!"

I realized
I've been saying the same thing

To my mind
For years.

"Don't forget about me" She said.

"I'd forget how to breathe before I forget about you" He replied.

Mornings.

I go to the freezer and pick out a waffle

Why are waffles the way they are?

They have craters
They break
And they flake

So I yell

"Why cant you be like the pancake?!"
So full
So soft

"Isnt that what breakfast food is supposed to be?!"

I sit back down

And finish my waffle.

I missed you today
Out of nowhere
My eyes water

A slippery *****
Theres no stopping
A heart slaughter

****** back my winces
While reading your
Broken journal

Im splashed between words
A light you made
So paternal

Driving, I spent hours
Picked apart grief
"If I was there.."

My world sunk again
I miss your hand
Hold mine in prayer

Please, know i love you
Im lost down here

Please, help me see you
I know you're there

Sometimes
when I look at old pictures of you,
I cant remember you.
I cant remember
what used to look like
or what your face would look like now if it was looking back at me.
Because when I see you,
I see the sadness.
The sadness that I feel
without your presence
and the sadnes
that took you away from me.
I see the life you lived
that many times I couldn't be a part of.
I see the silence
that housed your suffering,
but also the joy that you gave
to every person that has passed through you.
I see the empty chair on my wedding day
and the vacant arms around my children.
I see myself reaching for you
and crying your name when I'm alone and forgotten.
So when I look at you,
I dont see your face.
I dont see your gray hairs
or brown eyes or fake smile.
I see your past,
and my future
and everything in between 
and I miss it.
I miss you.

If we were the last people on earth
Nothing would change.

I would still wake up
To your sunkissed skin
Dancing down your back
As your warmth embraces me

I would still kiss your lips
Say "good morning, my sweet prince"
And wrap these lanky arms
Around a promised tranquility

I would still examine your nakedness
A form only I can admire
Every crevasse of deep desire
Melts my heart of iron, how easily

I would still laugh with you
As we dance in strange places
My hands glued to your every move
As we are one, separated as two

I would still lose myself
In the candid way you live
A fly on the wall I hope to be
To catch every smile painted with glee

I would still wrestle with you
As I puff out my chest
To hear your giggled breath
I am not strong, but with you I am strength

I would still find myself
In the darkness of your eyes
When the world is disarranged 
My home will never change

We would still fall asleep
Just a little too late
But you'll see me in the morning
And I'll see you in my dreams

Because if we were the last people on earth
I know, nothing would ever change

I slipped out of the house
Unnoticed
Unheard
It was so congested in there
Expectations,
And family prodding
Scurrying from wall to wall
Furniture packed tightly
Papers and trash littered along the floors
The clock tick-tocking
Piercing my ears.

I stepped outside
Onto the concrete step
Shut the door to the noisy world
Suddenly,
Life was still,
Quiet.
And I could breathe
So I cried.

When im anxious
I want to drink
I want to cut my wrists
Release these stressful thoughts
In the form of
Whiskey
and blood

I took some Ativan
Ive been prescribed
longer than a normal person should
Because its a benzo
And that ***** addicting
And I know that
Because I have a nursing degree

But still I think about mixing
The benzo
And the whiskey
With some blood
When im anxious

Because when im anxious
Rational thought
Is a thing in the past
Gasping for air
Feels like choking on glass
I am now physically sick
But my doctor insists
"Its just stress"

When Im anxious
I think about killing myself
But wouldnt that be typical?
Follow in his footsteps.
I can hear the chatter now
"She was never going to make it"
"Why would she do that to herself?"

Is this real?
Or my paranoia?
Because when im anxious
It all feels the same

I think I would die in vain
If I take my life
When im anxious

I haven't taken a nap in 3 days.

This might not sound like a big deal
Or a difficult task.
Maybe it doesn't sound like a task at all
For some people.

But for me it is huge.
Its an accomplishment.
A step forward.
A jumped hurdle.
Another check mark on my mental health journey.
And I don't give myself enough credit.

So here I am,
Assuring myself
That the small things,
Aren't small at all.

Knowing the ending before writing a book is like knowing how you will die before you are born

Love
It is an emotion with all the power
I find myself saying,
I cannot live a fulfilling life
Without you.
I am happy.
Because I know,
This is what I've been waiting for
Love

You are my flower in bloom;

Beautiful, Evocative and Unfurling.

The petals of spring sank beautifully in the puddles of rain as she traded her sneakers for heels, entered the back of the black car and drove away for the last time.

The sound of a
Still-cast moon
Hovering
Silent
In the dwell-

The gentleness
Of piano keys
Rubbing the pads
Of your finger tips
In an empty,
Lonely room

The wind chime
In your voice
Tinking with laughter
And a smile
Conjuring pride
Telling tales
Of your daughter

The crinkle in your
Hands
Holding,
Protecting
My ignorant
Little heart
As time
Ticked on
And on
Like the beat
Of a steady drum.

How a
Broken heart
Is not a saying
But the sensation
Of falling
Like a splitting
Desperation and
Despair in
Your chest.
When a burning light
Dissipates into
Ash
And smoke.
Suffocating.

Being left alone
By loneliness itself
And missing what
It feels like
To feel whole.

To be in a world
Without you
Is something
I know well
But is what
I wish
I've never known.

I am tired
But I'm awake

If I try to sleep
My crushing anxiety will devour me

I cant breathe, I cant breathe
I think.

"Stop overreacting"

This will never stop
If it could, it would

"Just breathe"

I cant.

The darkness is surrounding
My heart wont stop pounding

I'm hallucinating
Tree branches are swallowing me whole

I need help, I'm dieing

"No your not.
Your overreacting.

Just go to sleep."

I cannot keep going
Around and around
A merry-go-round
A life where I drown.
I work
Hard.
Be the best
I can.
For people
Who dont know
Who I really
Am.
My demons
And angels
Tear eachother
Apart.
And the result
That they leave me
Is a beating
Broken heart.

You can't ask other people to live your life for you.

It's okay to mourn a happy time in your life that you dont have anymore.

When sadness comes
I push away
"No, I dont want to do this today"

Because if I face my fears
So dark, so clear
Joy won't have a reason to stay

Supress, supress
Clean up your mess
And live to smile a new day

Be gentle with me
I am water dressed up as fire

Be gentle with me
I say that I am a rock when air best suits me

Be gentle with me
Some days I may feel cool when inside I'm burning hot

Be gentle with me
Most times I look like I'm up but I've never been more down

Be gentle with me
Because I'm never truly as I seem.

I'll be gentle with you
Because I don't truly know what you're going through

Before we die...
I want to know
That each moment meant something.
That our days weren't spent
Worrying about how clean the house was
Or how much money we needed
To buy a home, nice car or fancy clothes.
I want to know
That each day we gave it our all
Not to our jobs or reputations...
But to learning and laughing
With one another.
To experience a joy
That only exists when we do life together.
I want to know
That every second
We spent together
We experienced the true meaning of life..
And knew it.
For every blink, smile and breath,
We lived our lives truly, authentically
And the way it's always meant to be lived
With love.
A love that transcends the physical world
And follows us through infinite lifetimes.
Because life can't be lived without love.
And love is not love
Without you.

A smile or two
Counts not as a few
But a mile long road
Of "you must" and to do's

A picture worth painting
Is just as restraining
As a dog in a cage
Muzzled during training

Amidst the achievers
Are silenced nonbelievers
For those who protest
Are labeled "the deceivers"

A map of success
Is just paper at best
When your heart leaves a void
As it runs from your chest

As the clock tic tocs
Opportunity walks
Now you're stuck with the laughter
That muted its knock

Expectation demands
With transparent commands
Dont find yourself saying
"This is not what I planned"

Have you ever tried to pick yourself up when you feel yourself slipping?

But you suddenly weigh over two tons and the you thats trying to pick you up is some skinny stick man that couldn't lift a hair brush?

So you just watch as both sides struggle in their own ways?

That's it.

I'm sorry you're sick.

Confidence,
Like the moon,
Waxes and wanes.

Our love
Is deeper than the surface

Deeper than the flesh
Deeper than the heart

Our souls, connected
By time and space

A single entity
Of endless possibility

I jumped.




But I haven't fallen.

Ive taken your bullets
Your punches, your slaps
Your stings, your comments
The words behind my back

Ive taken the embarrassment
All your belittling lies
Ive taken your huffs, your puffs
Your eye rolls and sighs

Ive taken your pointed fingers
Brushed it off, held my tongue
You make mistakes and say "im human"
But go up the chain if i make one

How hypocritical, How conniving
How stupid you must be
To think I'll be your punching bag
I've got more worth than that in me

So if this is how I go out
With your target on my back
Then, please, take your best shot
Cuz im never coming back.

Sometimes life is like...

The light switch doesn't work
The car won't start
The door can't open
The room is too hot

The ground is so sticky
The air is blade-thin
The day is too bright
The night is full of sin

I cant fathom the "outness" of this
Like the world is a monster crushed under my fist
Spitting lines of
Cranium
5
Not enough sustanance to keep you alive
Dont look back when
The doors are closed
Im brave, but not courageous
Im the only one that knows
A vanity may be broken
And little am I open
To disappointment
I am disappointment
I am
Not sure
Where this is going
My head
Is flowing
Into a sand dune
But thats okay
I may just sit
And watch the full moon

It's 4:30am
I cant sleep
I cant stop thinking about
All the things
I want to write about

Is this passion?
I hope so.

I need to write
I need to write
Im caged, I'm fragile
Im drowning in fright

Awaken my body
Please my mind
His timing is perfect
So, whens the right time?

I cant hear myself breath
I dont notice myself think
The pen is on the paper
But I'm the missing link

God, why cant i move forward?
What is the purpose in the struggle?
It is harder than imagined
To pop my comfort bubble

I live inside a world
I imagine
But it is real to me

Inside my head is beauty
A life
But people think I'm crazy

A field of green
To escape
The blackness of my days

How long can I stay
In my head
Without anyone noticing?

Is it dangerous that
I consider
Never coming back?

Is it better than
Death
I wonder.

Did I see a shooting star?
I shot up from my bed,
There was a white glowing dot racing through the sky.
Bigger than your average star
Faster, more elagant than a plane.
It soared diagnally across the sky.
I was in a daze.
A trail of sparkles and twinkle dust dispersed from its tail.
It went behind the trees, but I could still see for a moment.
Then it disappeared, into thin air.
No where to be found.
Not through the cracks of tree branches or by a gleam in the sky.
It was gone.
No destination or proper exit.
It left as mysteriously as it came.
I made my wish quick just in case it was meant for me,
"Please, I wish to be a great author"
Was that a shooting star?
Or a falling star?
Was it a star at all?
I wonder.

You are
My first [puppy].
My first [dog].

I never thought
I could look at someone like you
And know,
Truly know,
That nothing else matters
But you.

That time will keep moving,
And problems will keep growing.
But what's important
Is the
Here
And Now
With you.

Thank you
For reminding me
That love
Is all I need
To be happy.

Love is like a
Baby animal.
Your heart lights up
When you see them coming around the corner.
You freeze when they twitch in their sleep
To not waken them from the sweetness of dreams.
Kiss them,
As to send a message,
"You are mine and I am yours, forever".
Teach them new things,
So they grow in every direction.
Love them,
Like they are the only one in the world
That can be loved.

An arena of emotions dancing for an empty crowd

What does it mean?
It means to cosmically follow the universe.
To tell it what you most desire.
And trust that the experiences,
The people,
The hard times,
Are all a part
Of how you will get it.
Dont question your situation.
Dont weep or smash or give up.
Trust that the flow is real
And go with it.
Willingly.

Dip me in health
I want to pause time
Where no one can hurt me
And i dont have to die

A picture of youth
A dappling of stars
A wind of the past
As i wait from afar

I am weak, i am frivolous
Heal my shameful body
So i can rise from the ashes
Where the sickness cannot stop me

My heart can crack
My back can break
It hurts to carry
All this weight

A ***** is loose
Its back in line
Im falling apart but
Its not my time

I know my worth
I've told my story
But the pen won't stop
Until I've had my the glory

People ask me frankly,
"Why live as an owl in the night?"
I answer
You can see things in the dark impossible to see in the light

"Why sleep your days away?"
When you're awake, life only has one perspective, but when you're dreaming, perspective is limitless

"And why not speak your truth to the world?"
There is more to learn in silence than there is in conversation

I'm starving with a fridge full of expectations.

I'm tired.
Tired of
The same draining thoughts
Tired of
The same back and forth
Hatred then compassion
Tired of
Knowing what's right
And still doing what's wrong
Tired of
Beating myself up
For what's out of my control
Tired of
Mistaking clouds
As bad omens
Tired of
Telling myself it's okay
Just relax, you're okay
I'm tired of
Not writing poems
To make myself feel better

I'm just
tired.
So I guess I'll sleep.