The year's '95,
And in my mom is me,
But not for long,
Cause I need some air to breathe.
Clawing forth, I burst forth,
And **** in my first sweet breath,
Biggest baby in the place,
****, my head has heft.
"It's no matter," they said,
On my first day out the gate,
"See, there's this thing called fate.
It takes freedom from will,
And Choice is determined.
As for you—baby boy,
Fate says you are destined to burn
To Curse
To Shake,
Hate icing your veins,"
"—And hate has iced my veins,"
I cut in abrupt, granite-cool.
"These pinprick cuts I feel—
Open pain lacing my face—
Have marked me as martyr,
And so my life shall be pain.
I’ve been clawing, am clawing, will keep clawing,
Never calling out for help,
Alone, untold gall, I came out
Of that dirt-riddled world,
That ****-padded hollow,
21-and under gallows.
I paid off the gatekeeper,
So no,
This body won’t follow.

See,
I first went to school,
I first went to read,
Sorting info in body,
I knew the life I would lead.

I’m split for time
So, offhand, here, I tip tap a rhyme
Dissecting and resembling
This Frankenstein text
Suffering, the ice of distance
Flagging the pole of our love
You’ve got a pull, no effort—enough!
Cursing the hailstorm that rains from above
And don’t get me started
See, I’m hardly smarting
Ice’s no price when you’re on thrice rejected
Yes, that’s no success
****, I’ve been there twice X neglected
—I’d guess you’d call that my best

So I turn from the possible
Down fantasy lane
Looking in the mirror at phantom me
Knocking on reflections, does it even have a name?
The ghost of the past made present with past pains
I swear these stains won’t come out
No matter how the tissue tears
No matter the boxes emptied out
Costco’s gonna need another round…

I shout into the silent replication
My reflected repetition
Distended, this pretender’s a sinner
Me? See, I’m a saint
And there’s no role for mercy
Hell, I’ll be thirsty when I’m thirty
And a little birdy told me you’re sturdy
So say hello to your pen-protector perfect nerd
Let’s curve the interrogation
Move on to you and I
Because honestly
I’ll lose if we get too far past “Hi.”

You are the chain
Keeping me sound,
Keeping me stable,
Keeping me around.
Your reach is solid,
Your links are strong,
Your spoken truth
My inner security song

All the while I push you down
All the while I **** myself
All the while the drugs do me in
All the while
                       this wile
Is shortening.

But still,
You dance in my fire
Cozy in this self-sufficient hell
These self-expelled death knells
Ringing in my head
Now found in yours
And they’ll never stop ringing

But still,
There you are
Giggling in my fire-flattened meadows
And when it comes time to turn off the hose
And I ask you to leave this place
Making light of your feelings
(That've come from being displaced)
Because they're all negligible to a life of pain
Beside this face

But still, you stay
I’m guilty without a vacancy
But still, you stay
I just want a vacant me
But still, you stay
Please, let me die
But still, you stay
Why haven’t you forsaken me?

You’ve heard what I’ve sung,
You’ve read what I wrote,
But can that get
To the heart of all my hopes?
 
So I run away, I smoke;
Getting by
With desperate gropes.
And I groan,
                   and I moan,
                                      but ****, just cut the ropes!
And these chains, that maim,
They’re gone, just like smoke,
My skin no longer cut up
                            Like dandruff
Think soap.

This is real
This is true
I cut, reform, reshape for you
And though it hurts
With penknife sting
I hope one day
You'll accept this ring.

So trust me baby
Though I cause a fuss
I’ll work on past it
For the sake of us.

Lace my pain with percussive cussing
Swear care no matter how you fare
Taking turns, till, we in turn fail
End nearing, gasp through by breadth of hair.

So hold no breaths
And cry no tears
We’ll be there soon
Speak, breathe, forget your fears.

It's true our future’s cloudy
We're over 8 by 8 by 100 miles away
I daily **** up as you tuck in
Pledging, “Rest, I don’t jest figure eights.”

Numbers don’t matter.

And my senses, they’re surely wrong.

So why hold both eyes on you?
And ask the same for me, just as long?
It’s so we both go strain blind
Bind souls and minds together
Splatter glue hastily agreeing to this eternal song
Float handheld in this spaceless place
Disintegrating all the walls that fall upon us.

… Or those we need to walk through.

There, in fantasy, easily we go
Each kiss a taste of the love we share
That we only alone in our nakedness wear
It's clear I would put nothing on or over you
Or dare seek some other exchange
Because without this arrangement
There'd be nothing
Besides empty, pitted pangs.

once a mascot of ruin
now just a bearer of pain
i can’t find miself
strange
given that’s me
standing, staring, considering,
the face in the mirror

Used to lie to friends,
Say I was millionaire,
That I was daddy’s trust fund baby,
Living without a care.

The truth was, in practice,
Hard to bear.
The plain fact was
I just wanted up and out of there
No more
Always living on the brink,
No more
A scared, scarred broken link,
No more
Downward sinking, screaming someone save me, please!
No more
There goes another half my soul this week.

My mind was a dark lair of horrid wares,
So trust when I say
I was as disfigured inside as out.
And, now, I’m not so sure,
Now
Have things come to  a turnaround?
Now
that I’ve found my two hearts.
Now
I have both my true love and writing.
So how
Do I still feel the noose there,
And how come
It won’t stop tightening?

I'm falling down gently,
Gently into the void.
I know now slumber beckons,
But I work to keep my stride.

The lessons learned in life,
The ideas with which I've toyed,
Seem so minuscule in retrospect,
Before, before this void.

I used to care so much,
Anxiety was paramount,
What is all this going on?
The pain only surmounts.

I'm searching—
Hope begins to crumble.
My heart breaking—
I stagger and fumble on.
And, there,
Up upon this mount,
It’s brightness shines!
The light I see!
How foolish
—Blind!—
It was
—Of course!—
All along in me,
This slyly hidden, plain-view, visible key
Turning to unlock the secret of my ’I’ mystery.

It had always been but a flicker,
This firefly of my mind.
I stumble on now towards it,
Weariness defined.

Reaching out, I grasp it.
A soft smile brightens my brow;
I shrug off the shackling pain,
Rise from my burdened bow,
Standing up above the corner
Of one of this road’s many rolling bumps,
Where someone in the mirror once told me
I’d never even master the jump.

So I fly high now,
My destiny, the what I was searching for,
Clear in core, please—my people—
Prepare for all that I have in store.
Now I know,
Yes, I know for sure,
I will toil, toil nevermore.

Please ladies,
Thank you for your time,
We've shared so much in common,
It's been one long hell of a mime,
My mouth and eyes exhausted,
Crushed from this good joy.
Emotion-laden as can be,
God, how I used to wait on your reply!

I write poetry cause it flows in me,
Headlong rush on the ocean beach,
Blinding my eyes in the blizzard freeze,
I am nature’s seed
—Sense magnified—
For these words I lead.

Green, lush, verdant, gardens abound,
Surrounding me with their luscious leaves,
Cravings mum under this untrimmed tree,
“This is paradise”
There is no fee.
“This is paradise.”
Why aren’t I free?
“This is paradise.”
I hear it telling me.
But, why? Why, I ask,
Is there work for me?

“Cause nature is chaos.
The mind is order,
It knows where to find the line,
Whereas a vine
Will never respect the border.”

But I am so small
And very weak,
I turn my eyes to the sun,
Followed by bowing meek.
How can I compete, control, or ravish that?
To her I am but nothing,
No different than a gnat.

Has their ever been an original thought?
I swear everything I say
Has either been broken, stolen, or bought.
And I rot with the shame of it,
Feeling I falsely carve in my name.
I’m trying to find the right path
On this road to fame,
Citing a hundred-plus peeps a day,
Though on the real,
Those just the ones I can name.

In this game,
These bouncing ***** just                            on back,
                                                      bounce
My eyes are bouncing,
I’ll get the knack.
The frame constructed
Of things to come,
My vision obstructed,
Well, isn’t this fun?

My melodious fire
Waves and weaves
Making a ****** of wood
Delivering a birth of smoke
Those swirling cinders choking
Everything in sight

Breathing in one of death’s contagions
One by one they fall
Until there’s no call to order
Until there’s none left to perform for

The mob grew angry.

My wrists, my ankles
Chained now with briars
This an execution by my own desire
For I required an exit light here
Unclear liar lost in his lies here
Fear-shaken, no stakes in truth,
Fear-faking, I have no stake in you
So I pull up stakes
See you.

I have no clue what I’m going to do
I get lost in myself
But in myself I have yet to choose
These paradoxes and riddles
That plague and peeve my mind
Deceive me as I deceive them
Till we’re all left deceiving in kind
Till the other becomes the self
And the self melts away from being the better
Cluttered with curses from the past
This incompatible software overheats
Crashes fast
And now we’re back—
Fire.

I was once blind to such simple facts
Broken, silly tracks of thought off-track
Lines left carved up in the sand
The next day wiped away
By nature’s erasure or another’s hand

It is sand after all...

But I gave up a pair
Received my true third eye
It's blind to these facts
The grains look all turned up and twisted
Spilling from my clenched fist
Like they’re seconds in my hourglass
So, my fellow pair-holders, I ask
Why take a second to grasp
So that a second in turn is given?
I see no bargain driven
Just a reality
In which
If you're livin’ happily, serenely
You must be trippin’

So sneaky, babe.
But you've played your last trick on me.
And your subsequent plan
—Execution close at hand—
Will never see the light of day.
I've tried reason, I've tried pleasing,
But no more do I pray,
I just watch the better times
Running in my head on replay.

Such an existence needs make way
For a truer form of living:
So I may be free,
So I may find true love,
So I may be me.
You're a cruel dove,
You won't fly again.
You've spent so long clipping my wings
You've gone and taught me your trade,
So I know
Just where to pull the lever
To escape this cage.
Pushing over the metal box just right,
I have my first bite of rage.
You're splayed, encased on the ground,
My foot at rest on your chest,
Silk tongue held down
By my own sanding sound.

I feel your heart all flutter,
Pitter-patter, it's trying to run,
Underfoot, no more under thumb,
You know just what you've done.
Now who's the bird being caged?
Pliers in hand,
I do my grim work in this place,
I planned to be faster, but you once said,
"Take it easy, come slow dance with me."
This romance has darkened,
Both the this and the that,
It's no matter, I won't take mercy on you, gnat.
I just get confessions,
Now start with all of that.
Your mouth opens,
Out spills a cascade of inconvenient truths.
A pastime, you've taken everything,
Your words the only proof.
Crimes that will go unanswered for  
If I continue to surrender aloof.

So, I examined you whole,
Preparing for the coming procedure,
Which features my version of hell,
The same torture you did unto me.
It's all I know, the rest once innocence.
The scalpel leaves no holes, nor wholes.
I guess I'll have to examine you in parts.

Perfection is easily attainable.
All you need is time.
Just build on a letter,
Then build on a line.

Take a deep breath,
Feeling utterly divine,
Offer up a thing of beauty.
It's what you had in mind.

By perfection I mean not completion
As the world may see it.
But when you hang a frame,
And see it's slight askew,
Though longer glancing at it,
You know it hangs true.

Sleepy willows,
Termite-hollowed,
Fall on down
In the forest air.

There they lay,
There they lie,
A stagnant existence
Full of unspoken sighs.

Mud-bathed,
Once up high,
Servant to the season’s shifts,
Even they must die.

In dying bring life
In life more death,
Respiration receiving,
Their last relieving breath.

My net worth is negative 20K,
With interest, that's growing every day.
Now, my starting pay’ll neighbor 60-70k
And though I have no technical skills
My friends find me dull
My talent needs work
I dismiss it all,
Go ahead,
And gas it up full,
Fork over said talent
To a Professor who ignores my attempts at a challenge.
Yes, yes, I’ll manage this round,
Though the hole's designed for a stay,
In debt, forever on the repay.

Now I'm pushing 40,
And the negative has 40 over me.
How'd I lose that bet, so clearly bad?
I thought this here was the recipe:
I'd go to school, get good grades
I’d hit that rice-only diet, labor like a slave
Occasionally crunch a wrap at Taco Bell
(Cause if it ain’t a date, you're saving still)
And while I rant, rage, and rave
I continue to dig.
If this is me caving in
Then these digit-dusted boulders
Are going to crush this twig.

Tick tock, tick tock,
It’s fading, have I erred?
The clock strikes callously,
Leaving me empty and unheard.
My beard is long and grey,
My eyes, they droop with sleep,
I know my time is rushing to an end,
Oh tell me, have I erred?

The sounds mirror silence,
I’m feeling quite alone,
I choke and sob and scream and beg,
Please someone take me home!

My life has been lived,
But the mystery is still there,
I’ve got a feeling in my bones,
It’s really quite queer.

I know not where to go,
My legs shake with my weight,
I’m dying slowly, slowly,
And I have none left to embrace.
Tick tock, tick tock,
My breath is rasping, have I erred?

I’m scared of dying,
Though my knowledge tells me shush.
I’m scared of not applying myself,
God have I missed the rush?
The flow beneath my feet,
Perhaps this is me falling?
I can hear the reaper at the door,
Mighty early from him to be calling!

I’m outraged that he’d dare,
I swear I’ve taken each and every care,
Haven’t wavered in my healthy habits
For all this past and total year.
Now! Now? Oh, the audacity!

He steers me towards completion of his chore.
Whispers how I’ll be here nevermore,
Though I choke, sob, scream, and beg,
Please, please, I need another door!

i've got the dark side of the moon
On its back, crescent-cut, undereye.
A sign of my exhaustion,
Which i use to fuel my rise.
Everything below but bare remembrance,
Like my fridge, running empty.
Or so i surmise.
Guess i'll fill it or guess I'll die.
This approach? Unsustainable.
i'm ragged, climbing through life,
The ***** only slows, steepening,
i Think it's about time I fly.