she’s not afraid to dance
without permission. she smiles when she’s
not supposed to, hugs her friends like it’s
the last time, drops petals behind her when
she walks. every day is an adventure.

he is like the first breath
of spring after a minnesota winter. when
he laughs, snow melts away and butterflies
come out to play. knowing him feels golden;
when i count my blessings i mention his name.

i slowly watched them fall
into each other as i, mere background noise,
fell to the cold, hard ground. i break when
others say they’re perfect for each other,
because of course, they’re right.

as she paints his world
shades of lavender and yellow, i fade from his
memory like a shadow after dark. i’d like to
say the same for him of mine, but the mere thought
of him with her keeps me up at night.

the strangeness of seventeen sets in as the seasons start to shift
i am stuck in the surreal stage of dwindling childhood and attempted adulthood
contradicting feelings being meshed into one disconcertingly dysfunctional body
i feel i am incapable of fully indulging in either my youth or my approaching adulthood
i feel i am incapable of being anything at all

the naïveté of nine has faded with the wood of my windowsill and i am no longer so sure of myself
pressures of eighteen loom in my future along with deafening doubts of
both my emotional and literal abilities to provide for myself
every morning i wake up in twisted bedsheets and wonder
whether teenage me is who i always hoped she’d be, or if something went wrong along
the winding road of change and growth and weak attempts to be better

so much i wish to do, so many ghosts of the past i wish to crush
haunted by the gloom i let in at such a young age, it never truly leaves me
i wish i could stop the clock from it’s monotonous tick-tick-ticking
and i wish i could stop the sun from disappearing beyond the foggy horizon
(i have so much to learn before night falls)

white hotel sheets
summer sun dancing on my skin
waking up while the rest of the world is
sound in sleep
hot cocoa inside on a snowy day
scented candles and soft light
streaming through half closed curtains
books filled with poetry that makes you
feel like you’re floating and
songs that hug you with their words
evening walks right by the lake
and you
your arms and you
you you you

the night air is calm and cold and utterly refreshing
a break from the heavy humidity that fills my lungs throughout the long summer days
but my mind is foggy because it’s filled with thoughts of me with you
i can’t quite comprehend how you make me feel
i love the rush i get with you
but being yours is like riding a rollercoaster
right now i’m at the top just waiting to plunge down again
as exhilarating as it is
i am frightened
about how far i will fall for you

if there’s one thing you should know about me
it’s that i will hold onto an idea for a long time
i’ll engrave it to the surface of my mind
and let it sink in for a while before i twist it into something it’s not
please don’t get my hopes up just to let me down
it will take me awhile to brush off the dirt
and stand up again

the sky is a mellow orange and
my heart is fuller than it’s ever been  
an overwhelming sense of gratefulness
washes over me like the waves onto the sand
looking over at you i realize that in this moment
i have everything i’ve ever wanted
everything i’ve ever worked for
i am finally content with who and where i am
life is still messy but it’s perfect
it’s authentic and it’s beautiful
and there’s nothing else i need but
to sit here with you listening to soft songs
and soaking up the smell of the trees
mixed with the ocean breeze

thoughts flood my mind like a rainstorm in the spring
they’re dark and loud and leave everything muddy
once they pass it’s sunshine and dandelions but
only for a while because soon the clouds roll around
and it happens all over again
it’s hard for people to understand why one moment
it’s pouring and the next the sun is shining
and believe me, i’d like to know too

i’m still trying to figure myself and my mind out

it’s hard to look you in the eye
i’m afraid you’ll see how  f r a g i l e  i’ve become

i fell in love with those nights we spent
chasing the sunset in your old silver jeep
with the windows rolled down, our favorite songs
playing on the radio and the smell of
opportunity in the fresh evening air

it’s moments like these that remind me
how lucky i am to be alive.

      -   and with you.

it’s unfair for me to be upset at you
for not liking me how i like you, really  
because you have no idea how i feel about you  
maybe if i ****** it up and said, hey, i like you
a switch would turn on in your mind and
you’d start to notice the little things about me
the way i’ve noticed them about you  
and maybe that little bit of attention
could flower into something more
something that i’ve always wanted with you  
a chance
a chance that you’ll fall in love with me, too

i think i’ve always known deep inside that you and i was never going to happen
but even though my mind is telling me that
my heart is telling me
yes yes yes
because everytime i look at you i feel something inside
that i haven’t before
and i know how cliche that sounds but
i truly cannot get my mind off of you
you are unlike any other boy i’ve ever seen
and not just because your eyes are bluer than all the rest but
because you make me feel like sunshine
even though you’re not even mine
can you imagine how bright we’d be combined

1. you may feel that your feelings are illogical.  you may feel stupid for even having them in the first place.  don’t.  you have every right to every feeling you are feeling.
2. getting the feelings to go away will be difficult.  the more you think about how you wish you didn’t have them, the longer you will.  it’s okay.  you’ll move on eventually.
3. you may have thought they were perfect, the only one for you.  that will fade.  soon you’ll find the real one who will be everything you thought they were and more.
4. breathe.
5. remember that in a few years, they’ll just be someone you used to know.
6. silently watching them with someone else will eat you up.  it will hurt more than anything.  you’ll feel alone and overdramatic for feeling so much for them.  in these times especially you need to do all you can to get them out of your mind.  i know it’s hard.  find an outlet; surround yourself with friends; indulge in reading or running or whatever you like to do.  focus on yourself and not them.
7. breathe.
8. breathe.
9. breathe.
10. you know deep inside that they are just a tiny corner of the big picture.  everything will be okay.  tell yourself that every day.

i fell in love with a boy
whose skin was as smooth as the surface of the ocean
and whose smile looked like the summer sun.  
he burned so bright he melted me
into a puddle of longing for him every night.  
when we were apart i couldn’t focus
on anything else but finding my way back to his arms,
and then when i did it was like i hadn’t seen him for weeks.  
he was the first person i ever let in,
the first person i showed all my flaws,
and in return he gave his all to me.  
we spent hours on end mending each other’s faults,
trying to heal the broken parts of our hearts.  
our love was as beautiful as the setting sun

i try not to blame her
she makes you happy
and if you deserve anything
it is to be happy but
every time i see your eyes light up at her
brighter than they ever did at me
there’s a pang of aching jealousy that
hits me and my stomach drops to the floor
i wish i could be her
i wish i had her long blond hair,
perfectly shaped lips and thin hips
i wish i could’ve made you as happy as
she makes you.

soon i’ll be gone from your memory
i’d like to say the same for you of mine but
i know the thought of you kissing her will be
enough to keep me up at night for weeks

it’s not her fault, it’s not her fault, it’s not her fault
(is it mine?)

i’d rather stay awake with you
until 4 am and talk about
what you eat for breakfast every morning
your favorite season of the year
how old you were when you lost your first tooth
eventually our eyes wouldn’t be able to stay open
any longer and we’d fall asleep
mid-conversation in eachother’s arms
with the lamp still on in the corner of my room
and my window cracked open just enough to
hear the breeze shake the tree in the front yard

because an emotional connection is so much stronger
than a physical one
i don’t want to be your one-night stand
i want to be a piece of your heart
the reason you get up in the morning
that song that’s always stuck in your head
i want to be the sun in your sky
you sure are in mine

you smell like lavender and
everything i've ever wanted

i think about you a lot
much more than you(‘ll ever) know
when i pass you in the hallways and
when i get home at the end of the day and
right before my eyes close at night
mostly i think happy, hopeful thoughts about what we could be
but then when i snap back to life
from my wonderful daydreams of you and the ocean blue in front of us
i remember that you don’t think of me at all
and i’m just that girl in your math class
your thoughts and longing belong to someone else
i may as well be invisible to you.

ouch.

i want to fall in love
even though i know it usually ends in pain
because even pain is better than feeling
nothing at all

i wonder sometimes
am i truly
                                         i n v i s i b l e
do they see right
through me like i am
                                        g l a s s
waiting to be
                                        s h a t t e r e d

every time i hear your laugh or
catch a glimpse of that look you give only me
i can’t help but think of
how ******* much it’s gonna hurt when you leave

in a constantly fluctuating
ever-changing word
there are two things that
will remain no matter what

1. yourself.
at the end of the end of the day
your opinion of yourself is
the only one that matters
take care of your body and mind
nurture yourself
fall in love with your
beautiful, messy being

2. your family.
no matter how bad you messed up
how big of a mistake you made
they’ll always be there to hold you up
don’t push them away for
something temporary
they raised and grew with you
they really do know what’s best

don't abandon the things
that stuck with you through it all.

to break boundaries
redefine limits
exceed expectations
sculpt the future
to not only survive
but to thrive
in a world that wants
to hold us back

all while bleeding.

“why are you so quiet”

i’m not sure how i’m supposed to answer that
do you want the truth
the truth is that i know
everyone in this room would choose
everyone else over me
i am just background noise here
if i did speak up my voice would be
drowned out by the obnoxious
music i don’t listen to and people
talking about things i don’t understand
no one here knows me
no one here even cares about knowing me

i think i’m going home

each day goes by
and nothing changes
we’re holding on to
something that isn’t there

when our eyes first met i was taken to another world
you have a galaxy hidden beneath the soft ocean blue
waiting to be discovered by those who look beyond the surface

you are not who your pretend to be (most people aren’t)
instead you are a boy who’s been hurt to many times
i can see it in the bags under your eyes and the cracks in your lips

you are lost.  i can tell by the way you stumble around
looking for comfort in people who aren’t worth your time
and leave you broken, in pieces

the others talk about you a lot but
do not worry about your reputation, darling
it’s just hard for them to understand

the world has beat you down. you are so young yet so hurt.
it’s hard, i know it’s hard to keep going but please do
hold on for a little while longer, because it gets better i promise

hold on for me

i hated the smell of cologne until i met you
now whenever i get a whiff of it from a passing stranger
i plunge into a deep nostalgia for a time when
i was yours and you were mine
when everything in the world was suddenly fine

there is something
about that boy
something that leaves you
always wanting more
no
it is not his body
it is his simple presence

i’ve always been an observer.  not really one to start up a conversation with someone new, or to make the first move in a relationship, or to like being the center of attention.  instead, i watch people.  i learn about them through their actions; how they treat others, the things they like, the way they talk.  i can read people pretty well.  i know if they’re the type of person i want in my life almost instantly.  and with you i knew the second i laid my eyes on you.  there is something soft about you and i saw it right away.  your heart is good, you treat others well.  and the more i learn about you, the more i think you are the perfect boy for me.  i ache to be with you.  to have you feel the same about me as i do about you.  you would make me so happy, and i think i could make you happy too, but i’m so used to watching instead of talking that i find it hard to start up conversations.  i am afraid i’ll say the wrong thing, that you won’t like me like i like you.  my heart has been broken so many times by boys i could never even call mine.  i'd hate for someone like you to be added to that list.

it was in

the times

where

i felt

the most

alone

that

i learned

the most

about

myself.

today didn’t go as i planned.
i lost control around 10:00 am
when i felt as though a lung had collapsed
i had to take a (not-so) quick breather
in the stall of the girls bathroom
where i sat on the cold tile floor
i wanted to cry but no tears came
i wanted to scream but i couldn’t make a sound
i wanted to call you but then i remembered
so i sat there surrounded by the emptiness
only sound was my heavy breathing
and the a.c. clicking on and off occasionally
i wish i could do that with my emotions
turn them off when i get too cold

while you were busy loving someone else
i took some time to fall in love with myself
i put up my hair and washed my face
wiping away any traces i had left of you
encrypted in the layer of grey you had
painted on my skin
sitting in front of the mirror i noticed
things about myself that i hadn’t before
little freckles traced my nose and the
tops of my cheeks, they’re like tiny constellations.
lashes so long and dark, I never needed mascara.
eyes like the night sky, black,
but calm, no wonder no one sees through them.
and that’s when i realized
the snow is gone.
it is time for me to bloom.

it hurts me a lot to know that
you don’t need me as much as i need you
i wonder if this is just us growing apart
but i don’t know why it had to be like this
i knew we were different but
i didn’t think it’d ever come to this
when you’re busy every time i call
because you’re spending all your time
with others and forgetting that i exist too
are you trying to tell me something
the nights we spent laying on my bed
just talking must not be
thrilling enough for you anymore
but i guess people don’t always stay
it’s just, you’re leaving so soon

i didn’t know forever was so short

i’d like to start this off saying
thank you.
thank you for making me feel
whole and
appreciated and
important and
loved.
thank you for giving me the
same feeling i get looking up at
the night sky when i looked
into your eyes,
thank you for holding me
when i thought i’d never
stop shaking,
thank you for making me believe
that everything will work out
one day.

maybe we didn’t work out in the end.
maybe we weren’t meant to be.
and as much pain as leaving each other
is causing me, i’d never undo my time
with you.  
you taught me so much
about myself
about others
about love.
from the bottom of my heart,
thank you for that, and
i wish you every happiness.

the stars twinkle in the night
they shine down on me as i lay on
the blanket in the cool damp grass
and look up at the sky
there is something magical about it
the way the stars sprinkle the
darkness, sort of like
God took a palette and
painted the canvas that is the night sky
but the stars alone were
not enough to keep the universe
going, so he added
a moon to give out radiant light
he painted other worlds
up there too
right now, the only
other world i can think about
is the one i could have with you

but to me you are my moon
and to you i am only a star

we binge watch shows on netflix,
read book after book after book,
daydream about impossible things,
things that we wish would happen.
we scroll through other people’s instagram profiles
watch concert videos online,
look at photos of beautiful places,
all because we are bored of our own lives.

so clearly i see
me in you and you in me
aren't we meant to be?

sometimes when i sit in my room
drowning in a river of tears
that fall for so many reasons that
i cannot think of just one
i wish you would come in
i wish you would knock on my door
and ask me if i’m okay
because then i could let it all out
i could lean my head on your shoulder
and soak it completely while you
rub my back and let me cry
no judgements
no questions
you would just sit there and hold me
and tell me everything will work out
somehow
something as simple as this can
make me feel a whole lot better
because that is the kind of connection
you have with me
one that is simple
and one that is strong

I think the most painful thing is knowing that we may never see each other again.  That your lips will forget my name, that I will become just a fraction of your memory.  And you’ll fade from me too.  One day, I will realize that you were simply a step in the right direction, the beginning of a path leading to my destination.  But why, why did it have to be this way.  Why did you have to leave.  Now when I hear your name all I can think about is the life we could’ve built together.  How we could’ve grown up and grown old together.  All those things we swore we’d do.  That we’d travel the world, see places that previously existed only in our dreams.  We’d move somewhere, somewhere far away.  To a huge city with bright lights and fascinating people or to a tiny cabin in the woods in the middle of nowhere, it didn’t matter as long as we were together.  These things.  They never happened.  And now you are gone for good and I have never felt so alone.  I keep telling myself that one day, I’ll see you again.  Time will bring us together as it split us apart.  We’ll pass each other on the crowded sidewalk while we walk to work, each groggy eyes with a cup of coffee in our hands.  And then it will be like nothing ever happened.  We’d go back to how it was when we were in high school, when we were so young and naive and in love.  I’ll catch you up on all the things I’ve accomplished while you’re gone and I’ll rebuild my home in your heart.  All this false hope is what has kept me going these past weeks.  I haven’t been able to bring myself to face the truth until now.  The truth is, you will move on.  Maybe you already have.  You’ll move on, and I should too.  But I can’t.  I can’t.  Get over.  You.