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:)
sankavi Sep 2019
:)
i think I'm ok
i feel ok

i think im happy
i think things in my life are finally going well

i know it sounds stupid
but i strongly believe all things happen for a reason
even if you're at your lowest
trust me it won't last

if something terrible has just happened
dont worry it'll teach you something important

every single person on this planet impacts someone in a positive way somehow

i don't know
i just believe whoever created this universe has a plan for us
and all you can do is trust that

I'm ok
everything is going to be ok
:):
sankavi Dec 2019
:):
how are you always on my mind
sankavi Jan 2019
it was good while it lasted
but I dont know if it was real
i guess there are more days hidden in secret to come
sankavi Aug 2018
you always seem to make me feel better
even when you don't know I'm not okay
sankavi Sep 2020
10 months
its been 10 months
and after all this time I still cant get over you

finding people who don't care
men I cant trust

trying to feel anything
anything at all than the love I feel for you

I'm happy I love you
and I know you love me too
but I know you're not in love
I know you'll never love me more than I love you

I would do anything for you
I need you to know that
anything at all to make you happy
the happiest you could possibly be

I care about you so much that it hurts most of the time
all I want is for you to care about me

to think about me like I think about you
every second of everyday

I think I love you so much that I hate you
I hate everything about you but I love everything too
I just want you too stop existing so I could stop feeling this way
but then yet again you make me wanna live everyday

I just want to be friends with you without being in love with you
WHy is that so hard?
sankavi Apr 2018
who knew this time it would be the last
sankavi Sep 2020
it's 5:30 in the morning
and no matter what show I put on
or what book I read
I can't keep my mind off you

why can't I stop loving you?
I hate the way you make me feel
the way you ignore me for days, weeks, months
I hate you so much
so then why can't I stop being in love with you

it's 5:30 in the morning
and I just keep thinking about you
the first time we met
you talked to me like we had known each other for years
you said you liked my doc martens
you said "I'm gonna be that cool friend who gives you a nickname"

I remember the first time you actually called me by my name
I was skipping class and I saw you and waved and you waved back
someone told you not to wave like that
and you said "but sankavi waved to me"
and then I said "aw you said my name" and you told me not to make it a big deal

I remember the first and only time we hugged
I was walking and I saw you and you just opened your arms
it was the most awkward hug because while it still means so much to me you probably don't even remember your friend asked if I was your girlfriend and I said "ew no" probably shouldn't have said that.
I got in trouble that day because I kept walking around during math with you and someone gave you a box of chocolate that you through on the ground and then picked up and I was stealing you pop from my math end-of-year party.

I remember the day I knew I loved you
we went to the school dance together. we were supposed to go with the guy you thought I liked it too but he didn't show up thankfully. the dance got boring so we left and sat in the park. you asked me "if you were to date anyone in the school who would it be" and I remember wanting to say you so badly but I just couldn't work up the nerve to do so.

it's 5:30 in the morning
and I'm here writing about you, crying about you, thinking about you
while you're sleeping

I hope one day I'll mean at least half as much as you mean to me
I love you but I really do hate you
sankavi Sep 2019
i am an addict.
i have always been an addict since as far as i can remember

i easily get addicted
to people
to bad habits
to drugs and alcohol
to the past

i am an addict
but i don't want to be one anymore

i am letting go of the people i put far too much time into
too much emotion and care without getting anything in return
i am done letting the people who dont care about me to have so much power over me

i am go of bad habits
i am done hurting myself, this one is going to be hard because self-harm is the best way i know how to cope with how i am feeling. i know its not healthy and hurting myself may make me feel better at the moment but will only make things worse

i am letting go of drugs and alcohol. i cant keep ruining my life just to escape reality for a bit then just snap back into reality and do it again. my body is my home and whether i like it or not it will always be. i need to take care of myself

and finally, i am letting go of the past
i need to stop reminiscing about the past and only think about the present and future
i cant change anything that has happened, i cant make the people who have left my past and i definitely cant force broken bonds back to normal no matter how much it hurts

i am an addict
and i have been for as long as far as i can remember
but i dont want to be one anymore
dear clayton,
very formal i know ****. but this poem is kind of for you but more for myself. you just helped me realize i spend way to much time caring about other people and focusing on them instead of myself. i care about you a lot and i dont think that will ever change but since we started talking again ive been so hung up in how we used to be and trying to force us back to that even though that will never happen. we can be a new us but its never going to be the same. i am completely over you now but talking to you just brought back those feelings but i now realize they werent real and i just missed loving someone as much as i loved you so i forced those feelings back. but it doesnt work like that. you hurt me a lot, like a lot, yet you somehow still have so much power over me, i trust you so much even though you give me no reason to and i would literally do anything to make you happy even though itll hurt me, and thats not ok. i still want you to be my friend but i need you to give me a reason for me to want to do that, but if you dont want to talk thats completely ok. i dont know youre probably never going to read this anyways. goodnight, i love you as a friend
sankavi Jan 2019
I'm terrible at showing emotion
to the people i love i act as I don't
i act like they can leave at any point
and id be fine

its hard
being too scared to let people in
being too scared to love

I've been left so many times
its my biggest fear
... but the truth is that its inevitable

people come and go
"everything happens for a reason"
but that's the biggest lie I've heard

is there a reason why my mom tries to **** herself
is there a reason that the people you love so much always leave
is there a reason why every day people die

that **** doesn't happen for a reason
that **** doesn't make you stronger

when people leave
it results in never being able to open yourself to the people who care
never being able to show how much you care
because you never want to care, about anyone

when you show emotion it means its real
and you don't want to care about anyone unless you know its real

ending up pushing away the people you care about
and pretending to love the people you don't

i can't open up to people
and show them i care
unless i know its forever
but its never gonna be forever
so why bother
sankavi Jan 2020
you were a perfect symphony
you were the most beautiful storm

and for a second there
I almost thought you'd be mine
sankavi Jun 2018
and in a room filled with people
i still feel lonely

i want you
i need you
i only want to be lonely with you
sankavi Oct 2018
I want to trust
but I can't
and I don't know if I ever will again

there was a time I trusted
far beyond the stars and moon

then one day it came crashing down like a meteor falling out of space
so out of place, it lies there broken
in an unknown place

here I am in a familiar place
not knowing where I am
who am i

i know everyone here not trusting a single soul
because they've all hurt me
always to leave

so here i am standing alone
in an unknown world
i don't want anyone

not anyone whos gonna leave
or hurt me
no one

id rather be alone
sankavi Aug 2019
i cut
i bleed
i want to die

i drink
i smoke
i stop cutting
im numb
im ok

i stop drinking
i stop smoking
i want to die
i cut
sankavi Jul 2018
It feels like darkness surrounding me.
It feels like monsters are everywhere.
It feels like I can’t do anything to stop it.
It feels like I’m saying too much.
It feels like I’m not allowed to be here.
It feels like I can’t stop repeating myself.
If feels like I’m Broken.
sankavi Jan 2021
I hate you
I hate that I love you
I hate that I would do anything for you
I hate that you don't care that I left you
I hate that you don't miss me as I miss you
I hate that you make me feel that I can never be loved
I hate that you have so much power over me
I hate that I'm the one who left you but I'm the one dying
I hate that you knew how much power you held over me
I hate that you don't want me
I hate that I love the way you make me feel even though you hate me
sankavi May 2019
he's the ominous boy I barely know
bright blue eyes
messy hair
never smiling
he's always just there

been hurt far too many times to count
does drugs to mask the pain

is it working though?
do you finally feel happy?
is killing your body fixing your soul?
sankavi Apr 2018
as poets
thank the pain
thank the sorrow
for it gives you something to write about

as poets
don't take the beautiful moments for granted
don't be afraid of happiness
because that too is something to write about

as poets
appreciate everything life throws at you
sankavi Dec 2018
11.45pm
hi, guess what i'm listening to country music right now
and i cant text you because my parents took my phone and laptop:(
so ill just write this and you can read it later
i love you

11.50pm
i just ran dowstairs amd almost tripped and died
but its like all good
i had to get my chocolate milk
imma watch cat videos until im tired

12.00am
okay well i lied
i started watching horror movie trailers and now im scared
im still listening to country
im soo bored

12.20am
jeez my parents just came home because they forgot their keys for something and somehow noticed i was up and gave me sleeping pills
so i kinda wanna die but its all good
i just listened to the song H.O.L.Y and now 16 is playing
not a bad song

12.25am
i was thinking about how you always say opposites attract
and like thats not wrong because we're really different people
but like i was thinking about it
and i think i kinda get it now
we're opposite, or at least we were before we started dating but we kinda tried to like the stuff the other person likes
like i wouldve never started listening to country if it wasnt for you
and you probably wouldnt have tried listening to the music i like
and you probably wouldnt have tried to write poetry
so like i think thats why people say opposites attract, because we show eachother new stuuf and like idk

12.32am
well i just remembered i have a health test tomorrow so i should probably study but i cant do that tomorrow in the morning or later

ughhhh im still not tired
oh guess what?
i love you soooooooo much
and youre amazing and great and one of my favourite people

1.00am
okay well the pills are really kicking in now
so goodnight
i love you
sankavi Apr 2018
year after year
i fall once again
like leaves fall every autumn
just so everyone can step all over me
me roots then rise
i blossom
only to later fall again
-depression always comes  back
sankavi May 2018
Two faced.
Smile at me, act like everything is fine.
Turn around and tell them how much you hate me when i'm not there.
nice.
back stabber.
I'm sorry I was never enough for you.
I'm sorry i'm cold.
but you doing this to me has only made everything worse.
When you begged me to stop cutting, I never imagined you'd be the reason that I would tear my skin to shreds.
sankavi Feb 2021
she had so much love to give
he was not ready to be loved
sankavi Apr 2018
i dont know why i care so much
you were never mine
you never will be mine

but somehow
when i saw you
i fell for your deep brown eyes
i fell for your curly black hair
i fell for your cute, adorable dimple on your cheek when you smile
i fell for you
all of you

i dont even know what i feel
i just know that when i think of you i feel something
which brings me joy
feeling something feels amazing
ive felt numb for too long

please just be mine.
you bring back pieces of my broken soul
sankavi Oct 2018
you are my bestfriend
and i love you, i always will
i love our good morning texts
i love our conversations that lasts hours
talking about nothing, but everything at once
i love how we end each night by saying
"goodnight, i love you"
i love how i can tell you anything
i love you
and i always will
sankavi Jan 2021
I hate bpd with a passion
one moment I can't stop laughing
the next I am swimming in the overwhelming thoughts that fill my head
crying out an ocean full of fear and sadness
in a couple of minutes, I am back to normal

I hate that I have a favourite person
someone I base all my emotions upon
I am aware it is not fair for them
having to be there for me all the time
or else I crumble
I don't want to be dependent on one person
but how do I stop
sankavi Jun 2018
mirror mirror on the wall,
whos the most broken of them all?
I asked
i looked at the shattered glass and saw my reflection

am I the broken one,
or is it just you
sankavi Jul 2018
and everytime i think of him
i break a little bit
because he loves her
and i love him
sankavi Jun 2018
The pain is still present,
steady as my heartbeat
but is no longer overtaking me

My heart aches
literally aches just by the thought of you

I want you to know that everything I said was true
and never have I doubted my love for you

So goodbye for now
hope to see you in my de ja vu
sankavi Feb 2021
she loved him because he reminded her of home
the way he neglected her
made her feel worthless
how he made her wonder why she will never be good enough

she loved the way he would shower her with attention one day and then completely forget about her the next
how every time they moved a step forwards a moment later they fall back to the beginning

she especially loved how she barely knew him
never getting close and intimate enough to actually get hurt

and most importantly,
what she really loved was how he would never truly love her the way she did him
sankavi Jun 2018
to our promise, im still holding
only to find out you're already moving on
we made a promise we'd always love each other no matter what. im not letting go. why did you?
sankavi Apr 2018
when you left you took my broken soul with you
leaving me with nothing

nothing

you took it all
leaving me numb
emotionless

you took my broken soul
now it cant be fixed

i could've fixed my soul from some love and happinesses
but i cant anymore
you took everything away

now
i write poetry
trying to feel
but how do i feel without my sunflower soul

please give it back
i know you have it
please let me be happy
like a sunflower

but how can i be a sunflower
without my sun
you took my sun away
my brightness
my light
my everything

mad?
no

how can i ever be mad?
you once made me so happy
you were once my sun
you were once my everything

but soon you became my moon
the most beautiful moon
but the moon doesn't work for a sunflower

so no
i'm not mad
i just miss you
i want my broken soul back
i want my sunflower soul to be whole again
i want my sun back
even if that sun may not be you

i just want to feel.
sankavi Jan 2020
brown-eyed boy, give my heart back
you stole it from me and i let you
i want it back now though
its getting harder to breathe

i like you a lot
but i need you to give me back what belongs to me

i
need
to
breathe
sankavi Apr 2018
I learned today
that for eyes to be like oceans
they don't have to be blue

i drowned in his eyes
sankavi Jul 2018
I felt like a bird in a cage
being in love with you

but once I stopped thinking about you the cage vanishes
and I was free
sankavi Apr 2018
i had an image in my head of you:

perfect
you understood me
you'd always be there
i can trust you with anything

i had an image in my head of you
and thats all it was
my imagination
what i wish things would be like
but you're different
nothing like what i thought you were

or maybe you were what i thought you were
in the past
not anymore though
you've changed

but maybe you've only changed to me
maybe you're still the same person to everyone else
but me
sankavi Apr 2018
They say it's chemistry when you find someone who makes you feel how you want to feel
Imagine my surprise
when you were able to make me feel
what I thought was lost in me
sankavi Apr 2018
you know
you did have a choice
me or her
but you fell for her voice
her smile
her eyes
her
you fell in love with her
i was left behind
suddenly i didnt exist
i was your past
she is your future
sankavi Sep 2018
I want you in my life
but I don't want to be committed to you
I'm scared to be committed to you
because one-day ill fall in love and you'll be gone

people always leave
its inevitable
what's the point of committing to someone you know wont be there forever
sankavi Sep 2019
i need company
all the time

i want you to be here for me
i need to know you care

im in constant need of reassurance
i want you to tell me youll always be here

i feel so lonely in this huge world
filled with people
who all dont care

i want you to be here with me
i need your company
i dont want to feel this way anymore
sankavi Apr 2018
Cute
Amazing
Adorable
Smart

When you call me these things I melt and I don’t know how to take it because I’m used to

Ugly
Weird
Disgusting
sankavi Oct 2019
i went to my first concert
it was the best thing ive ever been to
everyone was so alive
i felt so alive
it was all such an "in the moment" experience

jumping
sweating
laughing
singing
screaming

i wish life was a concert
yungblud
sankavi Aug 2018
sometimes I need to know
why you like me
why you like talking to me
why you've been there for me all this time
and if you're gonna stay
I need to hear it over and over again
and i probably still wont believe it
but i just have to hear it sometimes
sankavi Feb 2019
hello, boy who sits in the back corner in the class
to the boy I've never spoken one word to
to the boy I catch myself staring at
to the boy I know nothing about

*hello
sankavi Feb 2019
thank you to my bestfriend
the one whos always there for me
the one who i can always rely on
      for a shoulder to cry on
the one who i share every happy moment with
the one who i share every soul crushingly sad moment with
the one who i look forward to seeing when i wake up
the one who gives me the motivation to do anything
the one who is keeping me alive
thank you
i dont know what id do without you
i love you deanna bumb bucket
sankavi Feb 2019
the second you thought to yourself
that hitting your own wife was okay
beating her to the point she can't get up
telling her to **** herself

is the second I realized you're not the person I used to look up to

you aren't my father, i don't know who you are
sankavi Feb 2019
I'll grow up and be the women you said I never ever could be.
I really hope that when I do
you'll be able to find it in you
to be happy
and proud of me.
sankavi Jan 2020
dear mother,
who I hate so dearly
you've caused most of my tears
you've caused most of my heartache

I know you're trying to be perfect
but you need to understand that you're not
you're really really not

you wish upon death for people who mistreat you
you tell me to **** myself and slit my wrists
you tell me I'm not good enough
you blame things on everyone but yourself

you're not mentally stable
you're not ok
and you're not getting better
you need to get help
please get help
you need to admit you need help

I need you to be ok so I can start loving you again
I need to know you're not going to try and **** yourself again so I can learn to trust you.
sankavi Jul 2018
people leave
all the time

"I promise I'll stay"

but they never do
and that's just the way life works
you don't really know whats gonna happen in life
you can't promise these things

people leave and come
its the way things work
even if you don't want them to leave,
they always do

but please
please stay
sankavi Apr 2018
i wonder, did it ever cross your mind
to wonder how it felt to give my heart to you?
how it felt to break down my walls and bare my soul?

yeah, okay.
i admit that may have been a bit dramatic.
but i think that's just how it was with you.
i felt every word, every laugh, every smile
[and, truthfully, every carefully platonic touch.]
just a little too much to suit my cowardly self.

the thing is, everything you came from
[and everything you brought me, too]
was always just a little too much for me.
oh, but you know how much i like it when it hurts.

so, i let those walls fall down and i bared my soul.
i asked for nothing more than you could give,
and i gave you everything i could give in return.

but now, i suppose you never told me one thing.
you felt i wanted something more from you,
enough to take away the thing that made you smile.

but god, you know me better than the things you accused me of.
how many times and in how many words had i wished not for you,
but for the happiness i knew you deserved?

there is only so much i can say,
and even little that i can do,
to make things different.

and i have nothing left to give, anyway.
my heart is tired of beating, and my soul?
it's just tired of being pushed around.

so i'll back myself in a corner,
and watch the world pass by.
pray for you to forgive me and, maybe,
stop by and say hi.
sankavi May 2021
ive done everything i ever could to be easy to love
i let people walk all over me and stay silent when they hurt me
i let people say whatever they want and i brush it off
i let people use me and abuse me for their own pleasure
i let people do whatever made them happy even if i wouldn't feel the same

ive been putting every single person in my life above myself
only thinking about how they feel
just so id be easy to love
but every one still leaves me
why cant they stay
i do everything for them
why cant they do the same
sankavi Nov 2018
we're all just a bunch of teens full of angst
looking for any way to escape
sneaking out at 3 am to run around laughing
telling someone you love them
doing something so rebellious
all with no regrets

we're all living the same boring painful life
thinking we're in so much pain when we all feel the same way

living in a boring small town
or a big city full of new adventures
we all are just waiting to finally find an escape
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