why do we deny the fact that everything we do is just for love

I want a fairy tale ending
I want to meet the love of my life
I want to stay with him until the very end
I want to live in a big house with 2 dogs and 3 cats
I want 2 kids a boy and a girl
I want to be a writer
I want to die with all my goals accomplished
I want to die surrounded by the people I love

I haven't had a fairy tale beginning so far
but
I want a fairy tale ending

dear future self,
i hope you've finally learned to put yourself before other
that everyone isn't who they seem to be
and never to fall so hard for someone who'd never love you

i hope you learned that you don't need people who don't need you
to love yourself
and that you're important

i hope in the future you are the best you possible

I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I hate that I cant stop ******* loving you.

do you ever just hurt for no reason? Not the type of hurting you get from falling on your knee. I'm talking about when your heart feels like ​it sank through your stomach and is falling out your bottom end. The type of pain you feel when you lose someone you love.. the type of pain you get when you realize that you and him will never work out, or when you never had him in the first place but your heart aches for him. Yeah it does hurt. You crave their touch, and want nothing more than to just talk to them for a few minutes. When you talk to them you feel like the rest of the world doesn't matter because they are just that important to you. You could not talk to them or see them in days, weeks, or even months and they could still be on your mind each and every single day. It's quite an empty feeling and nobody likes to feel it, however everyone seems to feel it at some point.

Am I healthy?
Me, the girl who stays up
Until 5:00 in the morning every day
Eats one square meal a day
The girl who can't help but feel
Like she was a mistake
Like she is alone
Like she isn't worth it
Like she was a mistake
A screwup
The girl who is plagued with anxiety
Every second of every day
Resulting in a stomach upset
And a head aching
The girl who had a panic attack
over nothing
but just the thought of existing

Am I healthy?
Yes
Say the people who gave me life
telling me I'm just overreacting
"you're fine" they say

I am so tired, every single day
I just want to live again

I lock myself into a room
I fall to the ground
I can't breathe
I cant see
   everything is
                  b
                      l
                   u
                   r
                      r
                   y
my tears cover my eyes
I don't know why
but these panic attacks won't stop coming
and I don't know why

am I overthinking too much again?
has my depression come back?
am I all alone again?
do I miss him too much?

here's to the friends ive lost
over stupid lies
and silly games

here's to the lovers long gone
in autumns haze
never to come back

here's to the family
who was never truly mine
just people who brought me to life

here's to me
who's never able to make myself happy
always dependent on someone else
who I'm too scared to let in

here's to the whole ******* world
the world that was supposed to bring me joy and comfort
instead leaving me in a place full of hate and loneliness

stabbed by the friends and people I love
the world is beautiful like a vibrant red rose
but every rose has its thorns

"high school"
the best and worst 4 years of your life

you make so many new friends
you lose so many old friends

you make new memories
as the old ones begin to fade

you have fun, go to parties
get  wasted, get grounded

old crushes to new boyfriends

looking back at it you only remember the good days

im only on my first year but i know
high school
will be the best and worst 4 years of my life

i see the ocean waves in his bright blue eyes

you're so amazing
and one of my favourite people
but lately, we've been talking less
my smile is slowly fading from the happiness you once brought to my life
I don't know how I feel about you anymore
I know I love you,
as a friend
but I don't know if I love you in that way

i want to help
i know you say you're happy
i know you're not
i know you're lonely and scared
i see what others don't

let me in
i understand you
tell me you're not okay
ill be there for you
i wont leave
i love you

just give me a chance
trust me
i'm worth it

I cried about you
you weren't worth that

i hate my mom
i hate her so much

she makes me feel the worst feeling
i can feel my chest curl up and burst into a bunch of stinging bees
i can feel my voice crack as i try not to cry
i cut myself for a way to cope

she yells at me to cut myself more
to slit my wrists
but when i do she hits me and tells me im a terrible mentally ill daughter
then she makes fun of me for my bad habit
"aw you stubbed your toe? are you gonna go cut yourself"

i hate her
i hate her so much
i hate my mom

The most painful thing in the world
Is hurting someone you love
Something even more pain
Being forced to hurt someone you love

Having people breathing down your neck
Looking over your shoulder
Just to make sure you hurt the person you love
Even when you don’t want to

If there’s someone like this I swear to god I will punch them
People like this ruin love
Ruin friendships
Ruin lives

I hate people like them

i just cut

i just cut

i keep saying that over and over in my head

i just cut

i was finally proud of myself
i went so long without doing it

i just cut

im not ok

i wanna die so badly

i just cut

i thought i was happy

i felt happy

i thought i wasnt depressed anymotr

i just cut

i dont want to live

i want to die

i just cut

i felt happy when i saw the blood dripping

im not happy

im not ok

im not good enough

im going to **** myself
i just know i will

im really not ok

i dont want to be alive

i want to take so many drugs

i want to be happy

i want to feel something again

i want to trust again

i want to believe again

i want to be happy again

i just cut

im done
im done writing poetry about you
im done thinking about you
im done texting you
im done
im done with you

i dont need you
all you do is hurt me
and make me feel like ****
putting the blame on me for something i couldnt control

youre not who i thought you were
and im done
if youre reading this you know who you are

when I first fell for you
i didn't think id fall so hard
"its just a crush"
or so I thought

I liked you
but you liked someone else

a year has gone by and now I'm in love with you
but little did I know
you were in love with me too

I love you

im here
thinking endlessly about you
thinking about our conversations
your smile
how it brightens up a room

youre there
thinking about something else
not me

im here
please notice me

i hate how i care more than you do

hey guys
im so ******* high righgt now
im ******* fly

im addict to smoking
i cabt stopo

help

i remember when i was just an innocent little girl
the only drugs were advil
and the only drinking was juice boxes
the only kisses were for my parents
and i never had to take back my "i love you"

i didn't kiss every boy who wanted to use me
and i didn't get wasted alone every night
i didn't cry over anyone
and the only worry in my life was how much candy ill get

i remember when my biggest fear was the dark
now; the thought of people leaving and heartbreak consumes me

i miss those days

when i'm around you i'm
louder
awkward
weird
i try to get your attention but you never notice me
but you never notice

when i'm around you
i feel invisible
i feel like i don't exist
like i'm no one
like i'm dead

I can't stop thinking about all those times I said no
all those times I said I didn't want to when
when I pushed you off my body
"But why don't you want me to, you're so hot, I would want everyone to see my body if it looked like that," you said
as my eyes filled up with tears
I got up and left as I began to hear loud noises of objects being thrown to the floor as you screamed in anger
I was so scared
I waited at your porch in the freezing weather while the snow poured down, only wearing a long sleeve shirt knowing it would be hours until I was able to get picked up
thirty minutes later you came outside apologizing for your anger promising you just wanted me to be warm and safe and that you were done trying to use my body
I believed him and went back into his room
you turned on the tv and began to touch me again in all the same places
I looked at you with tears in my eyes and stayed silent while you did as you pleased

sometimes i just want to grab you and say
i'm better for you
i love you more than she ever will
i can treat you better
i'd make sure you know i care and that you're worth it
i just want you to know i love you
and i always will
i just want you to know whats on my mind

being in your arms
and kissing you

it all just feels too right

it's just so sad
he's different
                but all he wants is to fit in
he's funny
                but he thinks his jokes are annoying
he's friendly
                but he thinks no one really wants to be friends with him
he's cute
                but he thinks he's not
he's amazing
                but he doesn't believe that
                he doesn't believe that he's worth it
                he doesn't believe something good will ever happen to him
it's just so sad