I've been told to write what I feel
But what I feel about you is everything I hate about myself
I used to remember your words with fondness reading them off like love letters as if this was a Jane Austin novel
And now my stomach churns at the thought of you ever speaking to me again
Your silence struck me far more than words ever could and I'm terrified by this thought
So I close my ears to the incoming noise and pick a god to pray to
Because unlike you it doesn't matter if they wake up and decide I'm not worth any more of their time
They're not real but you didn't feel real either
We connected over four hours of traffic and wavelengths
Throughout our lives we seemed destined to cross but never touch
Just two parallel lines running alongside one another
And one of us tried desperately to travel a different path
Leading them to where they ought not go
Yet fate is fragile
It doesn't bend to yearning and wishful thinking

You've got stars in your eyes
And dew drops on your cheeks
You wake every mornin'
At a quarter to three
In a valley somewhere
You decided you needed to be

And you never call me
But I still hear your voice
Like ghosts on a stairwell
Just making noise
And I cannot let myself dwell

Cause if I stay too long
I just might drown
in the space you left
In the chatter around
My heart beats in time
To the records you played
But I'm still all alone
At the end of the day
Unless you can count your ghost

My mother never taught me anything?
Her soul was gentle
Never treated my body as a shameful object
I was not told to wear another layer
For shoulders were distracting
My ******* were not caged
Because they were mine and I loved them
And how could loving yourself be wrong?

My father never taught me anything?
His arms never held shut doors
So that my short skirt could not get through
I asked if I looked beautiful
He would always tell me so
Not throw me a pair of pants and demand I change
I smiled at my reflection
Why would he change that?

Parents can teach you only so much
Math, science, English, manners
But to love your body
The parts people shame you to cover
Is the best thing a young girl could ask

I hate this (but not you)
This feeling of everything inside
So I bury it into the darkness I collect
But it manages to break through
And I smile when it come back

Yet I hate it (still not you)
Because I no longer know the feeling of sleep
And my eyes scream for them to close
Yet my mind doesn't answer properly
And everything feels like a tornado

Yet I still smile
And breathe
And I live with it
Because nothing will eat away at my sadness as quickly
Even though I laugh to drown out the sound
It doesn't compare

So I hate it because I don't know it
And I like it because I want to

She's like a flame
And you hate the break of spring
It becomes apparent to you in the morning
After the sun grazes your cheeks
And you spot a dandelion in the field
But you hate it
Not for it's beauty, but for the way it makes you feel
It reminds you that you have to start over
And that each day is a new chance
But you hate that
Because yesterday her perfume was inside your lungs
And her cheeks were pressed against your chest
Her chapped lips were the only connection to had to the ground
But then she was gone like a candle had been blown out
Because she was a flame
But winter was over and she no longer needed to keep you warm

I want to write about what makes me sad
But I don't want to feel it again
I worked so hard to overcome the crashing waves
I don't want to drown anymore
To swallow the salt that burns my throat like your lies burned me
To plug my nose so I can't smell the ashes of what we had
I don't want to wave my hands through the surface hoping somebody spots a survivor
You're not worth the effort I made to get back to shore

It's loves color
it's the shade of her cheeks when she falls
not to the ground but in love
when she opens the door
he hands her a dozen roses
it's the wine she drinks
the wine she spills
it's the stain on his white shirt
it's the shade that blinds him with rage
it's loves color
it's her lipstick on date night
the night she cried harder than ever before
it's the pattern on her cheek
it matches the blood on his knuckles
it's the sweater she uses to hide
it looks like the heart she uses to live
it's loves color
she never knew sparks were that shade
it's the remains left on the bullet
it's the color of sirens, of help
it's what her skin is painted in
when she wakes confused she sees it
roses by her bedside, she cries
it was loves color

When I first met you it was dark
underneath the society in which you favored yourself the plague
I shook your hand and smiled
but you already saw through my mask
I was never good at lying
and I would never be close to lying to you

I watched you from the passenger seat
the rain pelted my windshield but all I could hear was you
You spoke in big ideas, like stars and planets
you wanted me to picture myself among them
but I was rooted into the ground like the old oak in my backyard
turn left, then right
the pavement dancing past so thoughtlessly
it had no idea of the brilliance that drove upon it

I loved you when you weren't listening
when you were laughing to yourself about your own joke
and I joined you
hoping you would understand
but you never did
I bought you coffee and knew your order
Hours with you felt like minutes
and when you left the hollow in my chest grew
I loved you so heavily with every hug and hand hold
every minute of every day
but nothing seemed to show you how I was feeling

I lost you too many times to count
Sometimes it was on my terms
other times it was on yours
but bullet wounds hurt no matter which way you shoot
When I lay in bed and watch the ceiling
I think back to when I first met you
I wonder what I could have done to convince you to join the real world
but my world had become you
and yours me
and in that light, I didn't want to go back

I've got scratches on my knees
From the pressure Ive received
My heart beat quicked for a moment
As the pain was placed upon me
I can deny it all I want
But the scars on my shoulders
Match the edges of your words
So then I'm alone with them
And nobody answers the phone anymore
When you're sick you fade quick into nothing
My heart is a target
Each beat shot at like an animal
When something is dying you love it
Then why don't you love me now?
My sadness repels you like poisonous thorns
Each one more toxic then the one before
Who are you to me if not a hunter?
Can't you see me scream when you fire?
Tomorrow will be another sun and another set
I believe in it I do
That you can see my horizon
The way you see a god
Wait if I set the world down?
Would the pressure I feel dismount
Would it soften the blow of each bullet you shoot?
I can't run because I'm stuck
Always leaving, ways running away
But not I
Because I've got scratches on my knees from the world which I hold
But you still use me for target

I don't remember what to call the devil
Since he moves like a tornado
And smiles as if he knows all
While his eyes tell a saddened tale
And I forget that he's the one in the wrong

I don't remember what to say to him
When he dances as if he created the movement himself
And he laughs like the world is ending
But he never offers his arm to me
And my heart beats in upset though I know it's insane

I'm not sure how can I know who to trust
When he offers me forever to be near him
And everyone else pales in comparison
But I know that he speaks a trick
Because the fingers behind his back are crossed

I don't know what to call the devil
Because I love the devil
But he'll never love me

Let go of the vile feeling inside
Allow the hooks in your skin to rip through
Let them bleed for awhile
Knowing your scar only proves victory
If your head sways let it hang low
But do not drop it
For it is your biggest successor
If your heart beats too fast
Like a machine gone wild
And your eyes tear up
From the cold breeze coming in
Put on another layer
Breathe a little deeper
Be safe inside your skin

Girls with round faces
And dresses cut short
cant love you the way
You've been begging
they lust and they run
With smoke in her lungs
A cigarette loose in her teeth
They drink coffee at midnight
And ***** at lunch
when they finally *******
They're numb
Their tattoos are ships
But their hearts are their anchors
Live by the ocean
the waves are their guide
They get high to pretend
They're not drunk half the time
In fairytale castles
They built out of string
They find solace in being alone
Their bodies are naked
Against white stained sheets
Lost to a haze of old smoke

I’ve abandoned my home for a journey I have not yet discovered
to the friends behind me fear not for my life
but for the life I could have led
on a bed forced into a corner
swaddled in childhood blankets that clung to my skin
like each tear from a empty nested mother
cry for the path not traveled
rejoice in the odyssey of my heart
think of me against the pale blue skies of mountains
beneath the growing timber of earths design
pity the splintering bones in my feet
but not the destination they’ve run towards
I’ve jumped from one luminous point to the next
cradled by the crevasse of the moon
watching my shoes etch themselves into unsoiled mud
which someday I will hang as proof
I did not agree to be silent and still
the world was not big enough to contain my wonder
I will watch myself rise to the challenge of being alive
or fall into the jagged gravel of being human
my scars will only create a map of where I have been
and where I will go
and when I return you may ponder if I am the same
the answer is already against the tip of your tongue
I braved the sun to find it didn't burn me
one path may bleed to the next
my steps from home may become further
but fear not for me
only for the life that I could have led

I'm not eye catching
I do not turn heads
I'm no more special than the next
For somebody else is always better
Prettier, smarter, stronger, wiser
That I would be moronic to believe
Anybody would stop to stare at me
I'm exceptionally ordinary
But then again
There is probably somebody
Who is better at that too

For five seconds please think of me
When your eyes can't see anything but the bottom of the bottle
Try and see me
Feel my hands reaching out to you
When your tired eyes close but your legs still move
Plummeting towards pavement
I will catch you as you fall
When you tell me you're fine don't think I believe you
I can count the bottles missing from your bag

1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Stop
Please stop

Through the haze of smoke keep looking
Don't think I won't care
Don't think you're okay
I won't hate you
I don't hate you
Please stop
Listen to my voice in your head and follow
My hands are steady
As yours are not

You say you're alright as you giggle
Flip your hair, fix your dress
You're fine
But your legs shake as if the ground quakes below you
No you're not stupid
Call me and I will come
Cry and I will comfort
Nobody will hate you as much as you will in the morning
If you do call me I will take you home
Wherever you feel safe I'll go
Stop and think
When you wake up and ache up from your feet to your head
I will be there
I am there to care, laugh and tell you you're fine
Your mistakes were made
You can't go back
But the next time you stand on the cliff's edge
Teetering Towards Trouble
Turn around and run to me

I can see your bloodshot eyes
But I don't judge
I've got a heart to sympathize with and when you realize this
You won't feel lost

There was a time I didn't worry
Then again I had no reason
Now I have 5
I'm not your angel
I'm your friend
I'm a blur after ten drinks
But I am here
Whenever you need

1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Stop
And think of me

you took in a breath
and then two
and then three
and then you smiled

when you moved you laughed
once, twice, three times
I joined you without knowing
and again you smiled

I didn't understand why
who were you
who are you
but then I looked up

I saw the moon winking at the earth
I saw flames engulfing the horizon
and I knew you then
like a key always knows it's lock

you reached into the universe
and hung the stars in the sky
so you laugh because you're beautiful
and I join in because I know it

I wish I could write poems about flowers in my lungs
Beautiful, blossoming and everything you need
But all that lived in my lungs has withered
Until I'm nothing but a cage for a carcass
Nothing is beautiful when it's dead
So I cannot write about flowers that grow between my ribs
In my stomach
My heart
Because inside of me there is no sun
There is only black

I would've died for you
but don't think about it too much

don't imagine a knife in my hands
slicing away all of the parts of myself
that you decided weren't good enough for you
the parts you forgot to love

don't think about my blood
running onto your floor as you stand there
watching it and wondering
how you're going to clean it up
I'm dying on the inside
because you've stolen from me
the kind of love that is never supposed to leave

I didn't love you the way novels are written
we didn't hold hands and watch the stars
we watched the sunrise in smiles
we made memories at midnight
I never loved you with kisses or cuddling
but I loved you

so much so that I didn't need to breath
if the air in your lungs was slipping away
I would have cut myself open
and offered you my own
and I was hoping you would do the same
but I know better now

do not strain yourself on matters of my death
if i died from exposure you'd have my jacket
if I had a bullet in my heart I jumped in front of you
I would have

because the past no longer will influence my future
I will not die for you anymore
for you laughed at my love
and tossed it aside

so when you lay dying from the vacancy in your chest
because when I ran I left without a word
don't think too much about it

can I have a single moment to breathe
before the floor is ripped form beneath me
like a rug from under the table
once sturdy now turn on its side
I cannot carry much weight or else I break in two
and you don't need something that's broken
you need a whole object
permanence is key but I am not that
a mere shadow of something that once stood so strong
I crack under the slightest touch
so don't run your fingers on my arms because I will bruise
the ghost of your breath leaves burns
and all at once I splinter down the middle
without rhyme or reason you hurt me
snap me in half so that you can use my now sharp edges to harm yourself
don't take me down your rabbit hole
because once there it may become my own
I wish to inhale the fresh air, feel the wind inside my lungs
not the rotting stench of the girl I once was
do not praise yourself for breaking me
I will find a way to glue myself together

Is it a sin to hate my body when it no longer fits?
When I've outgrown the shell of who I was
Will I be shamed for trying on a new layer of skin like a discount store coat?
I ask because people shift their eyes up and down
Because people whisper in tones they think you don't understand
Because for some reason not loving yourself means you want to slice away all of your parts
It is a death sentence to want to rearrange yourself
But i need change
I just want to feel beautiful
You judge without thought
If I hate my body then all other parts must be corroded too
You're wrong
I love my mind and the intricate circles it traces around the earth
I've fallen head over heels for my heart because it gave me the courage to let others in
I blush just imagining what unbridled masterpieces I could create with my imagination
I want to hold hand with the colour of my eyes and forgot what any other shade looks like
I love myself enough to know that I don't fit this body anymore
And it is not a sin to stop pretending that my coat still hugs me perfectly

Nobody's gonna love you at three a.m.
Because nobody's gonna be around
Nothing but shadows can hug you
It's cold that early in the morning
And people are sleeping
And when it hits 3:01 don't get excited
Nobody is gonna love you then either
You have to love yourself
Or every other time of day is pointless
It's cold
So nobody's gonna love you until you do it first

I'm so terrified
But I wanna be different
Reckless and happy
Staring at the stars
Open bottle beside me
But I'm worried
And concerned
And there's nothing I can do

We’re painting the roses red
Because the white isn’t good enough
It’s too innocent, too pure
It’s petals not yet touched by the crimson dripping from our hearts
What hearts?
Hearts we build out of plastic
So that bullets shot at us leave no drastic wounds
Only indents
Nobody says anything
We wrap lace around our rotten cores
Hopeful that beautiful will one day mean forgotten
And our mistakes won’t haunt us like stairwell ghosts
They’re band aids we place on each lesion
Doing whatever it takes to create shield of armour for our castle
Can’t you see you’re a castle?
A castle built on top of the ground you were pushed down upon
Where the white roses grow
Words are like arrows aimed at your throat
And you can’t breathe so you close your eyes
Covering your ears like a worried toddler
You hide and inside you build treehouses
With signs that read “No Trespassing”
Throwing stones at a fleeting reality that begs to be let in
But you’re terrified of what you’ll find waiting
Because you’re still just a child
Aren’t we all children?
Children left timid and quivering
Who pity themselves as lesser beings
Two halves in two worlds
Built only on broken roads that wish to bring harm
And their arms feel weak from reaching both distances
Somewhere along the way their compass was smashed
One hand pointing north, the other south
So they call themselves worthless and keep their mouth shut
But why does that make them the lamb and you the lion?
A lamb that counts their scars as they grow
And notice they all look like people
Snakes in mankind’s clothing
Who asked you to love them but their fangs sank too deep
They couldn’t see your innocence bloom in each petal
They assume that your heart is as damaged as them
Admiring the view of rose covered gardens all painted red
Where everyone wants to be different or dead

I don't mind being another notch on your belt
Just as long as we both get what we want
I don't know what the ******* care to have
But I want you

why do you fly too high
to the tops of branches
to the peaks of mountains
across gaping oceans
opening their mouths to swallow you whole
much like the way you devoured me
in my heart
in my head
your wings lift you to the clouds
but you never land gently
if you ever land at all
I watch and wait each lonesome day
hoping the shadow across the sun is you
returning to me
why do you soar so long
your feathers singed by the ashes you catch as you fly
do those burns leave scars in the shapes of me
your want to be something that nobody can catch
roaming the sky
in search of a yesterday that passed
I worry that you won't realize
you are not Icarus
and your wings will too burn

Am I cold like the winter because I've never known summer?
Never felt the blistering heat boil my skin
Feel the surge of sunlight illuminate my every thought
Or am I cold because I have
I've known the temptation of warmth
Imprinted it against my heart like a sunburn
Each icicle melting away with your touch
I felt it all
And now I'm left to clutch at your shadow
Watch as the sun hides itself from me as if it's ashamed of my face
I'm cold because you were my warmth and now all I have is snow

when i write i feel in control
maybe that's why ink is sprawled around my life
on shopping lists and schedules
on my walls and doors
false words printed on screen that make no sense
I write from the edges of my lips, my tongue, my fingers
I'm not sure who I'm trying to inspire
myself perhaps
my teachers
my friends
when i write i feel in control
i can say anything that i want
without a violent awakening to follow
but if my words only reach the corners of my own mind
what good do they do
they don't tell my mom i love her
they don't tell my father i miss him
they don't tell my friends that i wish i could hug them
they don't tell my teachers I was missing because i was too sad to wake up
all they do it spit my own thoughts back at me as if i hadn't already had them
when I write i feel in control
because cages do not hold people
words do
and Im too claustrophobic to survive in a mind filled with pointless babble

Memories much like wine spill easily
They stain the brain like a carpet
But stains are never good
Unlike memories
So perhaps they're not all wine
Just the ones that taste like you
I swear I got so used to you
I no longer cared about the stain
Deep red so you'd forever be imprinted
Because you knew what you were doing
You wanted to make sure I remembered
Every time I fell to the floor in tears
I saw the red that matched the color of my heart once you ripped it from my chest
You wanted to spill your memories on every dress, every song, every inch of skin
So that even breathing left me with a feeling of your intoxication
You didn't want to fit into any cup because you loved falling from the rim
Onto my bedsheets, my books, my dreams
And though my mother tried to teach me
I never did learn how to properly remove a stain

Whoever I am is not something you need
I'm not something you must have in order to survive
Your sun sets and rises in my absence
But I wish that you looked at me as though your world spun on my axis
People don't belong to people
But I hoped you'd want me to be yours
It didn't matter to me how you showed me you cared
With words or actions
I waited with baited breath
But it never seemed to be what you were searching for
It was never me

When I think of him I see bruises
Like immortalized fingerprints against skin
Only there's nothing lovely about it
They color her chest
But she never winces
Because to her that's his kind of "I Love You"

Somewhere along the road he traded hugs for hits
Picking her apart bit by bit until the clam opened
And he took her pearl
No longer did he kiss her lips unless it was to draw blood
And every time he held her waist
He left indents on her skin

She said she had nowhere else to go
But the truth was she didn't want to leave
Because every word spewed in anger
Meant one more rose to add to her collection
Apologizes were his favorite hello

Her tears were the soundtrack to his dreams
Each night a weeping tune
Flowed from her and into him
He never realized how soon he'd grow to love it
She was nothing but entertainment
How much could she be played
Before he broke her strings

She never wanted help
He never tried to withhold his ugly nature
When I see him I think of bruises
And the wonderful woman who wears them

sure I'd *******
if you want to
but conditions apply
there's a list of reasons why
you may deny my acceptance

1. turn off the lights
I feel safer under the shelter
of a night sky illusion
where your hands are guides
to the lines of my body
and you're too distracted to draw conclusions
about the fact that i gained ten pounds
it sounds like I want to hide from you
but in truth it's not you
it's the curves of my stomach
the stretch marks on my legs
only the light can reveal my disfigured shape

2. don't leave hickey's on my neck
my skin is a blank canvas
yet to be burdened with bruises
so there are no excuses
for leaving them where eyes roam
you don't have to be gentle
I don't mind coming home
and seeing your art work
but I don't want to have to explain
it will **** the beauty
when everyone can see
what somebody else could do to me

3. don't make promises you won't keep
don't decide to hold me
and tell me you love me
I accept your arms around my shoulders
I will not listen to your words
murmurs of nothing mean nothing to me
and I find it hard to believe
another girl won't fill the space
in the bed I'd once been
if it isn't forever
then let's not pretend
i'd much rather love you
and say you're a friend

4. play records in the back
I don't want to hear silence
or the sound of our movement
anything but nothing
would be an improvement
the whine of a vocalist hitting my ears
is the only thing that may keep me sane
I can never think straight
this strain on my brain can only be tamed
by the gentle noise
of Arabella in my head
If I can only hear your labored breaths
i will never feel relaxed
when I'm in your bed

5. don't do it again
I know the game
I'm willing to play
but I will not succumb twice
my heart may break the next day
when I realize your phone call
got lost in the mail
so I have to cut ties
because I'm not dumb
I mean nothing more
than any girl you had before
you see I do not pretend
that you love me
I know that tomorrow is the end
so do not ask me to come back
because I will
don't attack my heart with hope
when none remains

agree and i'll *******
if you still desire
true it seems strange
what I ask is required
I don't think it's too needy
just five simple tasks
but if it's too much
forget that I asked

So there's this road
It's blindingly dark
With a wide edge but
A small middle
It has mountainous bumps
The size of ant hills
And it promises to lead me back to you

Just like all of the other roads
All of the short ones
Piled high with dirt
And the looping ones
In a straight line
That lead to nowhere
That's what they all have in common

They all bring me to loneliness
And nothingness
But they all start out with a promise
Because you see there's this road
And at the end I should see you
But all I see is destruction

I love the way the moon hangs in the sky
because whether it's surrounded by darkness
or shrouded in daylight
it still remains beautiful for all to see

Write me a poem that makes my cheeks burn
So that my only concern is how the world knows
all the ways you can tell me you hate me

Read me the lines of venom you spit when you speak
Because who cares about the tears that stain my skin?
My cheeks are a masterpiece of old emotion

But who cares?
When the words you write make people feel alive
They don't have time to ponder over my sarrow

I want to try and understand how you think
Why my voice grates your ears
Why my face conjures red infront of your eyes
Until you **** me with each cruel word
Your sharp edged pen now rested
My blood dripping from the tip

Write me a poem that makes me cry
All your cruelty wrapped into a small package
Written on old napkins or preformed on stage
Either way the audience claps
Or a waitress cleaning her tables at night will cry in awe

And my cheeks will burn red

Grief is not art
Not a statement
It doesn’t pile like ground shattering bricks
It is a trickling of small moments gradually building a wall
To block out the sun on the other side
Grief is the darkness when you feel most alone
Because it knows you are weak
It preys on on you like the small graze of a finger
So light you barely notice until the whole hand clamps down on your arm and you’re losing blood
Grief is the man who pours one cup of tea instead of two
Grief is the dress you picked out for her being the last you’ll ever see her wear
Grief is the tears hidden behind hands at the kitchen table
Grief is shopping for three black dresses because she wouldn’t like the first
Grief is the collection of pictures on the wall
Grief is anger in his shaking fists
Grief is knowing she’s not there
But you don’t feel it rush at you all at once
It’s a slow build of boulders on your shoulder
Until you’re crying alone in your room wishing you could see them once more

If I over use you
It's because I've gotten used to your feeling in my veins
Like a bolt of lightning blown through my body
Charred scars run the length of my arms
Reminding me to up my dosage next time
Hit me with your best shot they said 
And babe that's gotta be you
My eyes see everything in startling new color
As if the hues of reality aren't supposed to be monotone
And I never had a clue
If I inhale enough of your scent
Maybe I won't remember long enough to forgot
I pray that when I come back 
The imprint of your pillow will still be tattooed on my cheek 
The intricate creases that belonged to wrongfully stitched wounds
Mark their territory upon me
And I wish you would do the same
I watch myself light up the end of us 
Terrified that sobriety generates a pain I cannot mistake for beauty
Because I'm selfish 
I cling to the image of your light being injected into my body
I know you are tired
Yet I thrive on your weary head rested in my lap
I must be sick
because wellness doesn’t leave you surrounded in somebody else’s tears
Grasping at the ends of puddles
Watching water slip between your fingers
If drowning was easy
I’m sure you would have plugged your nose and dove in
desperate to detach from my bruised knuckles
wrapped like smoke around your head
Slithering into your lungs until the edges are burned black
Because maybe in the end I wanted you to look like me
Tried, lonely, lost
yet if you are another me, I must let you go
I cannot steal your sun light if there is nothing but night
once I set you free you can smile
but I doubt you’ll be able to muster the strength
because users don’t care who they hurt
especially themselves
so, if I over use you
it’s because I’ve gotten used to your feeling in my veins 
and I need a new high

If the sun set everyday
So that the moon could breathe
Then their love story
Would be a tradgedy

But what if
The sun set everyday
So that the moon could shine
And everyone could see its beauty
Just as the sun did

I don't miss you
I miss the time
And the me that you fell in love with
Because I loved her too
And all that innocence I had
Like flowers circling a pillar
You tore down and tied into ribbons
Hoping that the stems wouldn't rot after you left them on the ground
But they did
I did
So I don't miss you
I miss me
And none of your words
Or touches
Or ******* excuses can give me back the love that I had for myself
The love that I gave to you
That never should have been yours to begin with
But under lock in key inside my heart
So I could remember to cherish myself even after you ran away

Nothing matters the way it used to
My skin is different than before
Like a jacket I wear to protect from the cold
From a new me
I wear my old skin as a shield
I'm too tired to care
Too tired to pretend it matters
I'm not as I was
Or as I pretend to be
Nothing can be the same
Yet I remain as I am
Because I am shaking
I cannot hang up my old skin
I won't know who I am without it

My town looks best in the fall
Not the late fall, early
Because that's when the leaves change
When the colors of fire litter the ground
Because flames can only bring sorrow
And summer ends with the death of each leaf
Each small orange or red tinted piece of nature
Hanging from branches by a thread or scattered on the grass
Awaiting to be used as the subject of a girls Instagram picture
#ilovefall
And in the morning your bones chill like ice
So you put on two sweaters
But by 12:00 you wish you werent wearing anything
You and your family hold hands and give thanks
While the Turkey sits on the table
no longer able to gobble
But you eat him anyways because it's tradition
At night there are ghosts on the street
Sometimes even vampires
They run from house to house
Robbing them of weapons designed to cause cavities
Kids these days !
what are we gonna do
Yet despite all of the bad there is all of the beauty
And that's why the fall makes me regret
How much I hate living here

i want your thunder
want your rain
i’d pick your storm
your hurricane
give me a smile
if you can
not what i need
and won’t demand
if tears are spilling
oceans filling
you can always turn to me
I’d take your pain
over sunshine anyday

I'm always nervous that you hate me
And I wouldn't blame you
And I try to calm down
But anxiety is my best friend
Who loves to pass me notes in class that say
"They hate you"
So strong so confident
Why wouldn't I believe them?
But if you do hate me you don't say it
If you're upset you never tell me
These are what I lay awake at night afraid of
Please don't leave me i love you
I tell myself to grow up and smile
But Anxiety loves to show up in my dreams
Nightmares
And I don't wanna bother you anymore than I already do
I love you please don't hate me

During the hours between 12 and 3
Usually contain an untitled me
For who I am
I cease to be
During the hours between 12 and 3

But during the hours of 4 and 8
The world begins to take a shape
But not me
For I'm still free
During the hours of 4 and 8

Shoot the sun in my bloodstream
So my smile isn't as faded as we are
Hope that my cracks burn with golden light and not the shadow you left in your wake
Because you didn't think I would notice you gone
When the sun rises she can see the space where the moon once reigned
And she's arrived in his place
She wonders why they cannot exist at the same time
Through thousands of whispering stars she can hear his words
Miles apart but he still tells her she's beautiful
So why doesn't he ever stay?
I am the sun, I shine through the cracks in the armor of my skin
Shielding the moon from all of the darkest parts of me they once tried to touch
But I eat away at myself with the thought of rejection
Did my light not beam down on you properly
So the world could bask in your pale glow
Was I so powerful you had to run
So that maybe you could save yourself from the pain you think I would cause
Did I hurt you when my flames danced along your hopes and dreams
I wonder what you think about now when you see the sun
Me?
Or just another light you wish to put out