What is a smile without the pain.
Does it feel like you are on bliss?
Or
Does it scream out hope?

My feelings still linger
Towards you.
Still attached
To this idea of a what if-
That will never come true.
I know I confessed a thousand times
And
I know that
These scars on my heart will stay the same.
I also know that
How you view me will stay the same.

I can't help but hold on to a what if.

"You are poison to the tongue
But
At least you taste like lemon lime punch.

I can't get over the sour of your voice,
It even gives me anxiety with it's overwhelming taste of sweet bitterness.

Let me overdose with the sound of your sour voice.
I figured if anything,
At least I can lie down with the silence of your bittersweet words and this quiet will help me sleep at night.
And
Yet
I know,

You are still poison to the tongue
But

At least you taste like lemon lime punch."

Rosy cheeks,
Bright eyes, and
A careless smile.

I'm perfectly blinded
by you.

Contagious laughter,
Deep voice, and
An honest heart.

I'm perfectly infatuated
with you.

You say you love us
But that's a lie.
You say you just borrow
But you steal.
You say you can't choose
But you can.
You say you are fine
But you're not.
You act all loving
But you're just fronting.
And so
You say that cigs are your babies
Now that's actually true.
Because you my dear
Have told that to us.
Yes, it's a addiction
But if you even cared about us AT ALL,
You would try.
Dispite how stressed you are.

One cigarette can't help you.
Your family can.

People say you have to be positive
You have to smile when you can
You have to cry when you can
You just have to sort of way.

I don't get any of it.

Can't I be- or feel
Nothing?
Can I be 'okay'? For once.
As in I'm neither sad nor mad-
Kind of way.

Can't I feel like
I don't care about anything
And not worry for once.

Yeah, it might be bad
To feel numb.

But I don't care at the moment.

I don't care at all, right now.

“I can't breathe.
I'm suffocating.
I feel sad, maybe.
But I don't care, yeah I don't care.
I'm still moving with the flow,
I'll just have to get myself in check, with reality.
I need to find another way to feel sane.
Yeah, I need to find another way to feel something else but bleak.

I can't breathe.
I'm drowning with these sick thoughts.
Maybe I'm insane, I can't help it.
Oh, why do I have to feel this way.
Can't I just feel stable for once, sane for once, or anything but sad for once.

Can't  I
Just feel
Something else
For once.”

That smirk you have on
That brings so much joy to me
I just smile and laugh
Cuz I have to
Cuz I need to
Cuz I want to
Be with you.
I just got to
Be closer
And hold you
Be there for you
And
Love you
I just got to-
I just got to
Be with you.

you make
me feel
at ease..
just your voice
alone
gets me
through
the night..
oh please
just whisper
to me..
tell me all
that you have
to offer
and i promise
that i won't
daze off
cuz i know
how hard
it could be
to finally
open up to
somebody
and let
your guard
down
just for a second
anything
could happen
and maybe
this time
it will be
worth it..
to finally
just be
at ease..

i thought
so much
about it all
this and that
too many of this
too little of that
too many thoughts
and so little eyes
to see it all
unravel.
i need-
i want-
others to see
my random words
of nonsense..
to feel noticed
for my mind.
i think
i'm ready
to leave
my old thoughts here..
to create something better
somewhere else but here.

Pale face, blue eyes.
Can't wait, this time.
Too late but it's fine.
Hopefully you'll keep me
In mind.

your lipskissingmine.
   your handstouchingmine.
      your eyes glan-cing at mine.
         your heart bEaTiNg at mine.
            your Everything next to Mine.

the words
i put out
can't be said
out loud
but
would they even
make sense
to you..
would they?
if i were
to write
something
about you..
would you
even know
that the words
mean more than
just meaningless
sentences on a page..
would you even try
to figure it all out..
or would you say
nice things
just to say them
cause you wouldn't
actually understand
these words
that i put out
for you..

would you?

Getting a bit slow, slow.
Just one more second, second.
Eventually time will speed up, speed up.

Becoming bored, and
Eventually, soon
Going to stop, typing.

[Yesterday]
I am surrounded by Individuals laughing
And sharing jokes.
But
Me and them were still ignoring the fact that
The people in front of us were only there to help -
Help us see a choice that could happen if we do
Make that one wrong choice.
And I do honestly fear -
Fear that one will still make that one wrong choice
And hurt someone in the process.
--
But today -
Today was an eye opener to say the least.
And at first it was painless and jokes were said.
But
There he was
An actual person
Speaking to us.
A person who experienced something so horrific
That you -
Yourself wish to never experience..
Ever.
And now tears were had and hugs were shared.
And a silence began.
Everyone was silent.

And I too was silent.

Eye gives out a blood red.
And
Everything fades away.

Try to maintain a blank face
But
Mind is out of place.

Now missing some marvels
And can't seem to find them.

Trip and fall down a empty hall
Where the pieces are.

Try to grab them all
But once more,
Trip and fall through an open door.

Hoping to catch my breath,
Breathing in and coughing out.

Air is toxic with smoke
That buries thoughts
And cancels out the same

Losing steps and gaining nothing
Vision still varies shades of red
Trying to keep up but lose faith
Lost in track and can't go back
Stay still so nothing leaves
But everything is quickly fading

One flash and gone

Now the black mist stays

Say anything.
Maybe complain or beg.
I don't mind it one bit.
Let me hear your voice.
Even the random banter.
Say anything.

i came close
to you..
almost
made you laugh
i even hoped
to make your day
but
isn't it great
oh shouldn't it
be great
that you already found
the one
your only one
who can light up
your days..
maybe even
make you
laugh
harder than i-
i could never..

I almost came
close
to knowing
you.

sometimes
you just
dont know
what to
say..
your mind
will just be blank.
your words
will just fade.
your heart
will just tighten.

but even then
you will be

okay.

I really hate it when I can't cry
Or when I feel like crap
And I can't complain about it
I really hate this feeling
Of not feeling.
I want to scream
But why would I?
Why yell for no reason?
Why would you even try?
Can't even think of a reason to
Do anything...anymore.

I'm overthinking this again.
I can't help it though.
You make me this way.
My thoughts are only you.
Your voice,
Your grin, and
Your laugh.
All blissful memories
String together to make me
Remember your everything.
Maybe I'm not overthinking it all.
I just can't help it though.
You make me feel this way.
All my thoughts are you
And I love it.

Uneasy thoughts
Take up too much
Time from me.

Wish it away.

Uneasy memories
Make up pure nonsense
And forgetfulness.

Wish it all away.

maybe I will
let   you know
when I am
free,    to be
your     little puppy
and oh-   obey your
demanding wishes
but
let me just
say to you   that
you   only have three-
three little wishes.

so   what will it be?

silence,
it's my worst
enemy..
it can ****
someone..
if it isn't
too careful
feeding each
thought
that comes
to mind
toxic waste
flowing within me
giving each
****** new thought
a deeper meaning
and another reason
to worry
and worry
until you,
yourself
don't know why
you were stressing out
to begin with..
and there goes
another sleepless night..

One day you'll see me crying
And I won't know what to say
But you'll just hold my hand
And hug me cuz you can.
Then you'll say..
"I love you anyways."
And
Even though I'll feel ugly
You'll say..
"you are still beautiful to me."

I imagine..
One day we will be outside
Looking at nothing
Talking about nothing
Just silence
And your presence
That will be enough for me.

I cry now
Cuz I'm just imagining
That you're here with me.
I'm just giving myself false memories
But also something to look forward to.

I imagine everything
Like if you were here
And I love every second of it.

Your eyes are fading.
Your smile is cracking.
Your face is doubting.
Your mouth is running.
Your ears are hunting.
Your heart is just breaking

And you can't do anything
But just watch and wait for nothing.

the time
i had
with you
was nothing
but luck..
time was
always
a little bit
blunt
maybe too
blunt.
but
oh dear
i'm sorry
i had to
leave
oh-so soon..
too soon.
and
i know
the time
we shared
was oh-so
short.
but
even so
you got to
admit
it was fun..
yeah
oh-so fun.

I want all of you
And it's all true
I want you,
I just want to love you.
Give me your love
And I will cherish
All of our memories
I don't want to forget
About you.
So just give me all
Of you
And love me too.

I walk and walk,
But I'm walking the wrong way.
I hear and hear,
But I'm misunderstanding some things.
I look and look,
But all I see is blurry shapes.
I talk and talk,
But all that comes out is nonsense.
Just pure nonsense.

Feelings are on pause..
feeling kind of lost..
don't know where to go..
kind of on my own..
I know I should be strong..
but how am I
supposed to be
calm..
it's overwhelming to feel..
am I going alone
after all..
feelings are fleeting..
why can't I
keep them
under control..

A beautiful,
Yet understanding human being--
Who I very much care for and respect so deeply about.

I'm too much
Sometimes..
I whine too much
All the time..
I can't sleep much
Mind is numb..
Can't think straight
Anymore..
I'm so unsure
How anything is
Suppose to be..
Am I really me
Or am I lying to you
About me

Am I too much..
Am I?

I don't get why
all the time
when I say nice things
the words betray me
and attack me.
was I too much
again?
I don't get why
my words have to mean so much
when sometimes
they don't..
mean anything.. at all.
they just read too much..
I can't help
but ruin everything.
it's a cycle.
nice words
can mean everything
to someone.. I guess.
I don't get why
I have to be
the one to blame..
I wasn't speaking
in code.. was I?
did I say something nice
to just be nice? yes.
now is that such a crime..
I didn't ask for the reaction..
but blame is still put on me.

nice words
equal
I love you.. i guess.

what's the point
of trying..
when I know
you're just
gonna be
the same
ya I should be
more understanding
but this time
I can't help
but think
that I'm just wasting
my time..
on you
I'm getting a little sick
sick of this
always worrying about you
when you can't
can't even listen to me
am I whispering..
are my words going mute..
do they even
even mean anything
like you say they do
to you…do they?

what's the point
of caring..

Stay quiet.
So I can..
Think for
myself.
So I don't..
Need you
All the time.

Dear voice,
Oh come to me.
Speak those soft..
Soft words, slowly
Now
cuz I need it
More than ever
Before.
Oh baby, baby
Why must you
Ignore my words
Oh maybe, maybe
You're just
Plain forgetful.
Yet you can still say
Sweet nothings
To me.
See now you're just
Being cruel
Making up excuses.
Oh why, why
Am I putting up
With your bs

Dear voice,
Please come back to me.
Speak those sweet..
Sweet little lies
Of yours.
Cuz I need it, now.
More than ever
Before.

pass by
like you
always do
no need
to keep up
with me..
i don't
need you.

I always wonder
If I'm just
On my own
Thoughts
Without any
One
To know me
But
Do they care
Like I care?
I always wonder.

These tears
Will leave.
I know it.
I made them..
You just don't-
Don't know why..
They appeared
In the first place.

careful now..shh
the sound
it's returning..
why? i-
i don't know
they seem okay
though.. i-
i'm not quite sure
if i should be-
be afraid
or surrender my-
my thoughts
my fears
my doubts
then what will i be?
what will it be?

careful now..shh
the sound is growling
feed it something
Quick. Fast. Now.
give in please.

I see
You..
I feel
You..
I breathe
You..
I know
You..

I go from
Tear to tear
Flowing with
Each drop
That falls..
I land with it.
Fear,
Afraid of
A what if?
That the question
In my head,
Whining
And doubting..
I want it
To end.
But then
Nothing will be..
And I'll be me.
Fear comes..
Afraid,
I am
all over again.