you are now nineteen
look at your reflection on the mirror
how much have you matured
like a blooming sunflower

you are now nineteen
your hip's growing
your lips full
and now you get bored quick

now you are nineteen
your face calls me
ah, lady, I can't look away
in your face I am frozen

Gina,
now you're nineteen
happy birthday,
my unattainable queen

Do you mind me sending a heartfelt paragraph?  if i talk to you like this, it'll feel a little like talking to each other in 2019 again. in all honesty, a part of me misses you, in an unknown way yet. i can't tell whether this longing is amico-related, full-on nostalgic or romantic. it's extremely inappropriate to talk like this, but it's a real feeling I'm currently going through. i don't know; maybe we should've gotten together if you did like me even just a bit. perhaps that would erase the curiosity that lies within me. or maybe not curiosity, maybe just the foolish, romantic, nostalgic part of my heart that finds it difficult to let go of feelings that never materialized into something real. christ, i pray you never ever read this because this is extremely embarrassing and devastating should anyone else but me read it. consider this a letter that should've been posted to  you many years ago, that arrived only today. this letter, which back then would've been considered a rubicon-crossing type thing, is only relevant if seen through the lens of a nostalgic person, one who's trying to piece his life back together. this is, after all, the remnants of my past self talking to you, with the honesty he wasn't able to give you when it would've mattered the most.

now, i have to live with the regret of never knowing how you truly felt and you never knowing how much, just how much, i needed you back then, just how much i loved you, just how much i liked you. you would've been my everything and my every day would've been devoted to you; hell, i would've written you books of poetry just to show you a small piece of my devoted heart which I'd have given to you in whole - really, there would've been no space for anyone else. but look at us now...****, we're both alone but we can't even say anything to each other now, the ship is now beyond repair. i cannot sail to your island anymore, my love (for i do still wholeheartedly love you). so, what now? should i press send? i am downing my final shot of the night. i am sober enough to tell this is the type of **** only a drunk person would send. but i am not sober enough to stop myself from sending it. we both know the bridge has long burned. i just need you to know, i desperately want you to know you are still my muse, the one i write little lines for in my notebook, the one i dedicate whatever lame poem i come up with.

okay, that's all i had to say. good night, Willa.


He looked at his phone for a minute or two, loud chatters surrounded him. For a moment, he hesitated. His thumb was hovering over the delete button. He was imagining her face as he closed his eyes. The music died down. Customers left one by one. Stoically, he sat there, meditating, contemplating. Email sent.

you and I
we are trying
to make sense
of this old feeling

called love.

even if i had known love has been and always will be quicksand, still i'd jump in it, simply in order to tell you i love you. simply to drown myself looking at you. even if i were to drown again, again, again, again....

along these lines
these strands of hair
the blackening shadows

of their beauty explicit
and at the same time subtle

intertwined with your curves
your edges
your color
and you discoloration

along these lines
i found your true beauty
and in it lies my happiness

lie the lies that form a sense of happiness

you weren't wrong.
i'll be frank; you were difficult to love
you were a slow, lento song
a nimble, agile, little dove

i'll be frank; you were the sun in May
when darkness was oppressed
when warmth felt depressing
and love choked itself, dying

you weren't wrong.
you held me at gunpoint and cried
you pushed me an inch closer to the void
you called my name and chose to hide

but i held on,
longing for December rain once more
longing to be human once more
longing for you, and you alone

but you were long gone
a day late, a dollar short, a metre shy
you are glory days,
golden age

you were.

it was really dark
the view outside passed me by
a mother crying over her son's death
a bird grieving for its lover's demise
a man feeling lonely after an ending
i didn't realize
the last one was my own reflection
i wanted to call...
who?
anyone
anyone who wants to answer
who would listen
but I'll just ramble on and on
about how you left me
and how you didn't even say a word
this view is killing me
when will I reach the ****** station?
and what will I do then?
what?
where will you be by then?
Paris?
London?


I don't know
about anything
anymore.
not even myself...

We separated
I gathered enough courage
Courage to confess
How I've loved you
For months

You seemed a little bit embarrassed

I was an idiotic parrot, stuttering each line

I cannot help the feeling of defeat afterwards.

My nerve broke when I said I loved you.

like the golden sunset
slowly turning red
you are the beauty of the world

as the mists of night rise,
I can see the faint illusory white light
in the distance, gleaming beautifully
like an oasis in the middle of the desert

I get up from my bed and open the window
tears welling up in my eyes, dissipating sorrow
suddenly, I saw life as it is and it was wonderful
I haven't had as terrible a life as I had thought

Isn't it funny how life is but a fleeting moment?
I can't say that it isn't filled with harsh torment
But happiness isn't too few to mention too
Life isn't always all shades of the color blue

I rest my head on my pillow again
Still, in my chest, I feel the subtle pain
But tomorrow is a new day
and, perhaps, the beginning of the end
of all this terrible pain I've endured.

I often wonder
whether in those books you read
you ever read my name
between the lines

like an unexpected gift
or unfortunate rift
like a rifle aimed at you
or flowers handed to you

do you ever feel like I am there?
staring back at your weary eyes
do you ever stop and think back?
the love we never got to share...

a poisonous thought, come evening
I wonder and wonder and wander
to you, the birthmark on your wrist
the poems you write, the meaning you twist

between the lines
did you ever wonder?

quietude of love
everlastingly beautiful
rambunctious excitement
effervescent life
never, yet, the twain shall meet

between the lines
did you ever wonder about me?

i am the ocean waves
crashing into your beaches
only to find everyone

and everything

but you...

like the weather in January
nothing certain about our love
like a misty morning in Jakarta
like a switch to turn it on and off.

oh, these melancholic nights.

this life
is filled with
enough uncertainty

please,
at the very least,
tell me that your love
is certain,
as certain as dawn arriving...

how much longer must i wait?

perhaps
i should have
seen the obvious:
the margins between
hope, fear, illusion
and the bitter truth
and how i
shouldn't have
mixed them all
into a blur
to satiate
my innermost
desire.

You.

I awoke
In a pool of nostalgia
Of a memory so far
Yet so clear

Of a memory from seven years ago
Such a tender kiss
On the cheek

Of two lovers

Not yet thirteen.

it is difficult
to take a deep breath
inside a crowded room

to keep going
fully realising
you may never be enough

for yourself
for her
for anyone

to know you may never be enough
never...

I sat on a rock above the hills, gazing beyond what was visible
The thoughts of long lost past breathing incessantly in my chest
Thought they were dead, laying motionless amongst the rubble
Will I ever get my long yearned rest?

Of the glory I so long for during my youth
Of the lovers I had lost during my living years
Of the parents whom are now somewhere I cannot see
Tell me, dear ol' heart, are all those things gone for good?

No, I haven't gotten the glory I dreamt of
No, I haven't eloped with the girl I, in truth, love
My whole life has been but a disillusionment
A mere shadow of what it could've been

Ah, but here comes the daughter, so lovely and tender
And the wife ever so loving and ever so caring
No, I wouldn't have traded my 'shadow' of a life for anything
For what we eventually get at the end, that is the true glory.

right now
we are staring
at each other's soul

right now
we are distanced
like Jakarta to Seoul

right now
we are laughing
though not like cheap flick

our screens
connect us

the last straw

twelve years ago
a very long time ago
I was just a kid then
(not that I'm any better now)
and love was something new

it felt thrilling, exciting
a young kid entering junior high
I knew most of the kids in my class
every introduction is welcomed
with rapturous claps

but one girl, shy as she was,
charmed me to my bones
she was already taller than me
her skin fairer than the noon sun

it must've been a scene from a movie
for the wind blew her hair about
like a goddess arriving on earth
her smile made me dizzy

God blessed me with a reciprocated love
like a sun-kissed, graceful dove
I jumped like a fool when she accepted me
the date never eludes my mind, it was November three

Alas, I was just a foolish kid then
(not that I'm any better now)
we were happy, if only for a short while
as happy as puppy love could be

her lips did touch my cheek
followed by a quick escape on her part
youthful love, my first love
Gods, we were happy then
she and I,
and maybe everyone...

don't blame me;
a man can only look back
when his future is uncertain
so, allow me this one time

to reminisce
to seek hope
to remember

what I used to be
and what I can be...

Golden girl, how fair you look today
I'm in disarray
Am I drowning in your bay?
In the stillness I lay

How impossible!
Feeling so gullible
To where you are, I'd like to travel
I give no mind to the troubles

Darling dearest
My feelings are in earnest
Your beauty, dear God!
Like golden skies and other fantasies

last night i realized
i needn't be dead to go to heaven
or be called upon by god

only your soft body

lying quietly next to me

takes me to heaven.

two lovers making love in a Ritz room
life is heaven, but for whom?
a government official returns to his family
life is heaven, but for whom?
gods watch in pleasure from far up above
heaven is life, but for whom?

houses made of thin sheets of metal
life is heaven, but for whom?
wooden beds and endless drops of sweat
life is heaven, but for whom?

words of love and tender affection
life is heaven, but only for some
fancy dinners and bottles of wine
life is heaven, but only for some

as for the rest,
I needn't say

lately i have been feeling dread
it's like a hammer crushing my head
perhaps, i''m better off dead
my, my, when was the last time i felt glad?

perhaps i am ill, physically or mentally
or maybe i simply want to be freed
from the pressures of being 24
from the weariness of the future, unsure

maybe it's the drinking that's killing me
maybe it's the loneliness
the abject failure to comprehend
her beauty in that sundress

all those years ago,
or the advice my dad gave me
before i graduated college

life seems so absurd now
my friends feel so distant
and love makes me feel sorrow

time, hell of a thing.

you've been hollow
sending me on the verge of sorrow
anticipating a better tomorrow

i write, and write, and write
and yet my feelings just fight
all the way through the night

they bicker
they thrash

they fall apart
soon to follow my heart.

these feelings are abandoned
they look at me sulkily
i shrug and tell them to quit playing
they don't seem to understand what i say
they are persistent, these long lost feelings

they continually haunt me
and faces appear in my mind
i strike a deal with them:
fine, i will build you a home
among these words i write

they will find a home
among these secrets i must keep
whether it's a dream of Rome
or the women i think in sleep
in these dark passages, they roam

so, i quietly bury these feelings
these people i once knew and love
people with whom i don't even confer
their faces show betrayal, demanding an answer
but, in acceptance, they wave goodbye.

perhaps, not forever;
outside, the sun grows by the second.
to get up is to forget.

i feel inexplicable happiness when i am with you
once it is over, though, i feel utterly blue
i know, i know, it is very much true
'she feels nothing more than good friends with you'

but my foolish heart remains so
it keeps thinking that she is giving me hope,

what kind of hope shreds the man to his last piece?
what hope?

loving often feels like running hurdles
but it's endless; there is no specified finish line
you keep jumping hurdles
and you keep running

you brush aside fatigue
you brush aside pride
you burn the desire to quit

you don't stop running.
that's what love is:
running endless hurdles.

if we never spoke to each other again
would you hold me one last time?

would you remember me in your darkest nights, when you just cannot shut your eyes, when your thoughts are black and blue?

would you think of me when you board the plane for your first flight, wearing your sweet uniform, greeting the weary passengers?

if we never spoke to each other again
would you at least tell me one last time that you loved me at times? or perhaps you never did feel anything?

why won't you say something?
why?

tonight I am in favor of silence
of the blue skies only belonging to some
of the pretty stars only shining for a few

tonight I am in favor of silence
of the small house with wooden fence
the place where the small river bends

tonight I am in favor of silence
of the deafening sound of sirens
to fall apart with no defiance

for tonight you are in favor of a distant place
no, you have disappeared without a trace

tonight I am in favor of silence
for at least I can hide in it.

i cannot deny
         the feelings i have
erupted like Merapi
                       at the sight of your beauty
your voice softly touching me
         like soft wind in May

goodness, i'm in love.

in truth:
i am terribly afraid of being joyful
and gay when i am with you

because they say the higher you climb
the harder you fall

and i have been feeling mighty tall
since the first time you called.

I think of myself from 5 years ago
would struggle to recognize me
he'd say "what the hell happened?"
and I would have no answer

in truth, I have no answer
for all my shortcomings
when I was a kid,
people called me brave

people listened to me
I was sure of every single thing
I sought out to do, every little step
was calculated, as if I knew what I was doing

I was once a bright child
maybe the tallest beacon in my family
my grandpa and grandma sure thought so
and my mom and dad didn't seem to mind the idea

what the hell am I now?
who is that person in the mirror?
I fret over these questions in my head
but found no answer

who am I now?
not even God can say...

it gets better, someone said
after a while, it gets better
impatience killed too many
and often life is too much to bear

i am still holding out for better days
at night, i kneel and throw out prayers
like dying prophet, i call out to God
will it mean anything, my dripping blood?

my fallen teeth, the uncountable tears
sweat and times i wanted to give in
my heart, a thousand have pierced
i still swing my blade like a fedayeen

if there is something big awaiting me
if there is light at the end of the tunnel
i am willing to fight for it
i will never throw the towel

for once, i will do what's right
for once, i won't die without a fight.

i wrote a poem for you today
it was written on the very back of your notebook.
i compared you to a beautiful spring in May
how even the most serene view you overtook

i wrote a poem for you today
i said 'i love you' in it
now i am in disarray

do with me as you deem to be fit

i won't change my words
'i love you'

Nobody told me how much life would change once I graduated. The immense feelings of nostalgia, I barely managed to dissuade it. My heart, in all its complexities and difficulties, yearns for all kinds of things, scenarios, people - feelings. my heart yearns to feel. love keeps me warm, but lately, I've been awake with alarms, ringing like a maddened storm.

I think of the people I no longer talk to, my mind can come up with a few. Do people get over this? or is this a mist you cannot miss, haunting like a broken wrist, a cruel fate twist, that drives you searching for some kind of bliss?

I am undone. There used to be so much sun, but now it's hard even just to have fun. Is it cowardice to want to run? I imagine buying a gun and aiming it at my head, a joke so blunt.

I lay awake yet again. Dreams used to be so grand. But now it's all so bland.

I don't want to be bland...

July was in full bloom
I could see clearly from my room
the moon and the stars alive and well
The painting of the romantic night quickly fell

I walked to the window and sat
The streets were empty
The apartment even more
A night in the city’s belly

Buses, old and new, passed by
Men and women, of young and old,
stood still and are terribly ill-humoured
No jokes or stories were being told

A cigarette was lit in the room next door
If drink was at play, I was done for
She passed me a lighted one
Her gaze more dangerous than a gun

The streets became animated now
The cinema blurted out hundreds at once
I wondered what was on show?
She replied: probably another low

She brought out a bottle of whiskey
She said: once I leave, you’ll miss me
I said: is there a charge or a fee?
She said: you know it’s always free

She was right in that too:
I miss her alright.

you told me something's off
what is it? i asked
(you're not him) you wanted to say

i'm sorry i'm not him.

What I lack in me
You, like a tree
Provide always for me

Even though you're no longer with me...

now,
my whole existence
doesn't depend
on you

but
it's sure as hell
a whole lot nicer
with you

oh, what terrible pain it is to behold
a love and hope you hold dearly,
to fall apart and crumble
to see that you are not the cafe she was looking for
to finally understand that you are a shirt one size below hers
that you are nothing more than a conversation machine
that you are a good friend
a friend
...

loving you
has made me think
"should love
be this difficult?"

O, speak, Torment! I shall lament no more; no more of this uncertainty in which I have been thrown in, no more of this game in which my Virtues always win, in which I always surrender to the tenderness and reproach of the Lady. I, too, wish to speak my mind up. For I love thee not like a cat loves a mouse, like a dandy dragoon Captain loves a Cossack woman. But I love thee like a young man falling headlong in love, like the Priest loves his God, a devotion only a man who had long been tormented by solitude and uncertainty could gather in his heart, like a dying man grasping for his last breath; but do tell me: dost thou despise me? O, this torment of uncertainty!

you are the monsoon that suddenly left after causing a flood in a village called I.

there's no set of eyes i long for more
than yours
no gentle touches i pine for more
than yours
no person i yearn for more
than you.

this morning I woke up in a cold sweat
I guess I dreamt of you again
the image of your brown eyes
will forever cause me pain

the image of your tender laughter
like a forever lost, loved daughter

I am a narrow stairwell
Waiting for the morning bells
To ring, for the early birds to sail
Watch all the cabs be hailed

Waiting for her to come
Will she come today?
Doubts, I have some
Should I kneel and pray?

But to whom?
Who would to listen to a narrow stairwell
Maybe God would
Will I look like a fool?

My claustrophobic natures will intervene
When was the last time I had a nice dream?
It's always the same, redundant scene
The scene is always the same and redundant one

I am a narrow stairwell
Waiting for the morning bells

that night
the night we walked side by side
feels very far away
like a distant light
hand in hand
Vredeburg laid quiet

the street band

remembering it feels very lonely.