Sitting silently,
He sits and stares at his phone,
Shifting slightly,
He doesn't look up from his phone,
Coughing quietly,
He ignores me and looks at his phone,
A little louder,
He stays there slowly reading his phone,
Groaning with the pain,
He still remains there silently checking his phone,
Starting to bleed,
He raises an eyebrow at the screen of his phone that he studies so intently.
Feeling faint,
He sighs and looks at the clock before looking back down at the obviously intriguing phone in his hand.
Skin pale, vision blurred,
He chuckles to himself and takes a sip from the half-empty cup of tea at his side and scrolls with a single finger on the screen of his phone.
My voice is weak as I call out,
"Dad..."
For the last time the blade glides over my wrist.
He stares at his phone.

It seems we are all searching,
I have realised now, the heart demands love,
I had begun to think all my yearning,
Would never find the right person for me,
Yet a light, concealed at first, led my soul,
And at last, I can clearly see the path.

It seems we all need a path,
To bring reason to our endless searching,
Ev'ry breath and ev'ry step takes my soul,
Closer to the one who I know I love,
All I ask is that you would accept me,
And put an end to this constant yearning.

Ev'ry day that I'm yearning,
I keep losing sight of the only path,
I know that you've already rescued me,
But for some reason I still kept searching,
No! You're the only one I'll ever love,
For your perfect words have captured my soul.

I have but a single soul,
And for you it has always been yearning,
So take it's from me, take it all, my love,
And may it help guide you along your path,
Now that I've found you, I can stop searching,
All I can do now is pray you'll keep me.

Things always looked bleak for me,
Until you came and inspired my soul,
With brief hesitance, halted my searching,
Now realised,  you satisfy my yearning,
I'm sorry for making harder the path,
That caused us both to fall in blissful love.

After so long I've found love,
But had it not with such great force hit me,
Perhaps I would still be on the wrong path,
In truth I've no choice but to trust my soul,
But I would still choose to end this yearning,
I'd always find you through all my searching.

Perfect love has taken my soul,
Shown me a way out of this yearning,
On this path, there's no more searching.

There are short moments,
When the whole world gets caught inside a bubble,
Made of the brightest gold.

Launching fireworks instead of missiles,
Taking shots with cameras not guns,
Giving gifts not bombs.

For a few days we forget how to hate,
Relearn love,
Live without fear for at least a while.

Dancing and cheering,
Laughing and singing,
Decorating and Playing.

Replace the dodging and screaming,
The crying and pleading,
The hiding and running.

Inside that bubble,
All is good,
For as long as we can celebrate,
We can be kind.

Chance,
Our lives are filled with decision after decision,
Each one dependent on the last,
We are tied by unforgiving steel to each choice we made,
Each subtle twist and vibration throws our minds into a crazy dance,
With echoes of each previous step repeated in every movement,
But occasionally,
Our dances bring two into hold,
Whether for a brief moment or entangled for decades,
And when supported by one another,
The ropes of the past slacken,
Allowing them to move freely,
Yet they still follow a dance,
But with much greater grace and precision than was ever found alone,

Luck,
When chance leads to fortune we call it luck,
But fortune has many faces,
We luckily win in a random game,
Or luckily survive certain death,
Some seem to be blessed with luck,
It lives in their shadows,
Underlining all that they do,
The brighter their life gets, the more it helps them,
But for others luck is precious,
So rare that they even fear it,
But when they find it hidden within the dark rock of misfortune,
Its beauty outshines the labour they despised,
And the perfect contrast lets it shine.

Fate,
We fear the concept of fate,
The idea that our destiny is fixed,
Nothing we do can change how our lives will turn out,
The belief that the chains of our past extend to our future,
Rendering our limbs fixed by the tension,
Ripping us apart, testing our strength,
Destroying those who built a reliance on their past,
Time always moves on,
Of course, fate can be kind,
Leading us in the right direction,
To where we want to be,
To a random meeting,
Or a happier time.

Whether it was chance, luck or fate,
I don't know,
But for two so far apart to find such joy in being together,
Is a miracle in my eyes.


*Happy Valentine's Day

Would you smile if I said what is in my heart?
Would my words mean as much to you?
Would you hold my hands as tight as I yours?
Would you long for their warmth?
Would you dance if I asked you?
Would you let me lead you in grace?
Would you trust my judgement?
Would you hold me in your arms?
Would you love every second?
Would you feel lost when I had to go?
Would you count the days until our next meeting?
Would you check if I was okay?
Would your heart beat for mine?

I would for you, my dear,
Will you give me a chance?

Finally,
Escaped,
Eternally,
Free,
But always,
Afraid,
Of remembering,
Me.

Hopelessly,
Lost,
But that's,
Okay,
I don't care,
The cost,
As long as I get,
Away.

Deadly,
Hands,
I don't need,
Anymore,
Messed up,
Plans,
I've settled my,
Scores.

I'm better now,
Yes,
I've moved on,
At last,
I wouldn't have,
Guessed,
How easily,
So fast.

My breaths are getting,
Stronger now,
My ramblings becoming,
Less jumbled,
My weary legs, however,
Will not allow,
Me to keep running once,
They've crumbled.

The weak points are slowly,
Losing their will,
Over time, I hope,
They'll fade,
I never expected,
That I would still,
Have avoided,
Touching the blade.

Stop

Breathe

Look up

And see

Safety.

Why didn't I stop him?
Was there a way?
Or was he too ****** up in the head to listen?
Did he not realise that what he did was wrong?
Did he not understand that seven years later I would still hate myself?
Could he not, just for a moment, have stopped and thought about me?
No?
Then why the **** should I care about him?
What is it about me that means, not only do I forgive him, but I want to help him as well?
Why did I become the cold-hearted *******?
How did that happen?
Where did he take my happiness?
Because he talks so much **** I don't know what to believe anymore.
How can he live with himself?
I certainly can't, but he just keeps ******* up as many lives as he can.
I'd keep going,
But he isn't worth it,
He just took every part of my mind,
And reversed my joy.

I'm done.

He was clever.

I never considered that,
He knew exactly the words to say,
And at precisely what pace.

He convinced me.

That I was normal,
By making himself seem stranger,
Than I could ever be.

He trusted me.

When he needed it,
So that I was obliged to do the same,
When he fed me with lies.

He amended me.

So that I required him,
And couldn't live alone,
Ever.

He destroyed me.

In a single forced kiss,
That I hated so much,
But couldn't bring myself to end.

He broke me.

Without a thought,
Despite claiming to be my friend,
I will never reclaim my heart.

He took me.

For his own,
For him to do with what he wished,
For however long.

I escaped.

But too late.

Innocent,
No,
Not since,
I realised.

Child,
No,
Never really,
I know now.

I,
Can never lose,
That part of me,
I understand.

Wish,
No,
Dream of waking from this,
Accepted truth.

I,
Am too late,
To stop myself from hating,
It makes sense.

Could,
Anything,
Be worse than this?
I guess it can.

Be,
Myself?
Never again,
Get it?

Again,
I look at myself,
And see a monster,
But I never knew.

Until it was too late.

If I could hide well enough,
Blend in with the blurred sea of unknown faces,
I would leave this place,
So full of memories,
Saturated with reminders,
I would find a way out,
To find a nowhere of my own,
And hide alone,
In a place without past,
I would build a heart to withstand the ages.

But my motionless body stands out,
As all around rush and hurry,
I live in solitude,
Feet planted firm, eyes down,
Streams of haste surround me,
But their flow does not stir my stationary presence,
So in a scene of panic, I am calm,
I am noticed,
I am forced to remain by my own fear to stay,
And my perfect nowhere,
Doesn't seem to be anywhere,
And my history is everywhere,
Wherever I search,
All I find is wall after wall,
As I try to escape my mind.

My frantic dance of repeating obstruction,
Is never seen by those around,
Because, of course, they don't really look,
They see a boy staring at his feet,
But if one person would stop and join me,
They'd realise,
I'm not staring at my feet,
I'm staring into my own eyes,
In the rain-soaked pavement,
And if they looked into them too,
They would see that I am moving,
Not standing still,
They'd see how long I tried,
And how long I failed,
And how many times I tripped up,
But still I haven't quite found,
A nowhere of my own.

Wait!

Wait!

Wait just one more,
Minute you don't have,
To understand yourself,
Takes far too much,
Effort you can't give,
It isn't worth it.

Stop!

Stop!

Stop and understand the,
Dark that comforts you,
Cannot keep you safer than,
Light you hate,
For it always leads to,
Revealing too much.

Please!

Please!

Please listen to,
A pointless voice,
Calling to you from somewhere,
Far away from here,
Where light doesn't burn,
Your frail skin.

No!

No!

No more life to lose,
When your whole existence is doomed,
To drown in it's own blood,
Despite the desperate cries,
Of dead and dying,
To stay away.

Even they reject you.

Here is a young boy,
His heart has been crushed,
His innocence has already been stolen,
By the gun in his hands.

Here is a teenager,
Death a normality,
Trusting only in hate,
For those he once loved.

Here is a young man,
Believing in revenge,
For a crime he never saw,
Against someone he never knew.

Here is a father,
"Protecting" his daughter,
Showing her the path he chose,
Putting her finger on the trigger.

Here is an old man,
Regretting his life,
Hating himself for all he did,
But all too late.

Now here is a young girl,
Who lives far away,
Who doesn't understand,
But knows she is hated.

People avoid her,
Afraid? Or unsure?
The garment on her head,
Fills her with shame.

This girl never touched a gun.

The boy did not know what he was doing.

His daughter doesn't want to ****.

But it is too late now,
Society has grasped a concept,
And it's claws dig deep,
It won't let go.

Hearts are not constant,
They each have many shades,
Their colour depends not on themselves,
But the light shining on them.

In the light they radiate beauty,
Each hue complimenting the other,
But in shade they lose focus,
And at night they are lost completely.

But Hearts are not black,
They only appear dark,
Nor are they red,
As even the most loving know hate.

Instead they span a spectrum,
Each unique,
But made of the same,
Primary emotions.

Hearts are pastels,
When touched they merge,
Blending towards each other,
Bridging the gap.

Although they cannot always fuse completely,
There will always be enough different colours,
For hearts to find companionship,
And trust, if not love.