I was nothing
My emotions projections
Of what I thought I should be
My heart beating for nothing
But circulation
As anxieties ran around my brain

I was a shell
Pretending to be normal
Imitating feelings I'd never known
Locked in a life I never lived
Broken but convincing myself
Nothing was wrong

I was confused
Knowing I was 'different'
But not sure why
And searching for fickle painkillers
That never dulled the pressure
In my mind

I was lost

Now I'm finding myself

I was more interesting in love
I found beauty in the smallest things
Excitement in the coming of winter
Thrill in the thought of just sitting
With an arm around me
Or a head resting against me
Or lips humming with muffled song
Not that I changed, or I need another to be complete
But that giving love fed me
And getting love opened my eyes

I'm staying up too late again
Listening to songs that make me cry
And I'm wasting away hours
That I could use for...something at least
So little purpose these days
So little meaning
I know the dream is coming
Just, it's too far for now
My life is a phone off the hook
Stock music crackling to no-one
Waiting for someone to pick me up
And lead me on.

Boxes
Collecting the life I need to take
Leaving behind the trivial
But for a few small comforts

Piles
Sorting my belongings into
Future and past
All the eccentricities I've collected

Lists
Making sure nothing is forgotten
So I will be safe to settle
In some distant room far away

Time
Drifting slowly but
Accelerating towards
Well...I don't know what yet

Something new

I don't write about God
Not often
When I try I feel inadequate
Or I fear somehow offending
Or alienating
Someone I wish was saved

I don't write about God
Not easily
How to describe something
So ingrained in my being?
Closer even
Than my bitter struggles

I don't write about God
Not enough
Not because I can't
Because it's difficult
But after all
Difficult is no excuse

So let's talk about love
Let's talk about forgiveness
Let's talk about sanctuary
Let's talk about comfort
Let's talk about escape
Let's talk about freedom
Let's talk about what you need right now
And let's talk about doing something about it
That's my God

I heard once in a song when I was young
that your "first love stays with you for ever"
and back then I knew who she must be
but now, what I thought was love back then
I see was immature loneliness
but my mind still drifts back
to a girl I loved
who used to read my poetry
and I used to admire her voice
now I wonder if I could have made it work
if I'd been older, more confident,
kinder or less busy
perhaps
most likely not,
but it seems that her eyes
and the smell of her perfume
are intertwined with my memories

What reason do I have to be angry?
I have lived in comfort
Never doubted the safety of my future
The hardships of this world
Have breezed past me, barely moving my clothes
Of course I have faced trials
Don't we all?
But I never had anything to blame them on
For the most part they were unfortunate
Or inconvenient
No, I have never had reason to be angry.
Yet, sitting like a knot in my throat
Some tumour filling my stomach
Rotting slowly
An undeniable frustration
That I watch my friends' and strangers' lives
Falling apart, cut-off and left to stumble on
And where I see no reason not to help,
Those that can see no reason to
What reason do I have to be angry?
None, not really - but what reason do we have?
We have far too many to count

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