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Mar 2019 · 150
In a Vase At 2AM
Only you, she said.
Not of anything important but
The importance of that nothing
Raised a veil from my eyes
And light poured in to fill
The void I'd grown inside.

I'm glad, she said.
Not for lack of meaning but
Meaning my lack of
Confidence detracted not from
Her joy and her smiles.

Thank you, she said.
Not just empty breaths but
That each breath I'd emptied
Grinning was matched by one
Of her own brighter moments.

Everything, she said.
And left me, wondering if
All this wondering left only
One truth sealed still
Locked behind her eyes.

Dare I look deeper?
Until even the edges of my mind
Are only you.
Dec 2018 · 144
Once
Eyes once filled with dreams
that spilled out into visions
Now dulled by time and memory
And struggle not to close

A heart once fed by love
that glowed with hope and meaning
Now beats with broken voice
And aches for other's pain

Lips once loud with stories
That weaved emotions with one breath
Now tired and silent
With no reason to speak

A girl who'd dream of futures
And speak of hope with pride
Now sits alone, with no fight left
She accepts her fate
And cries.
Sep 2018 · 213
Bacino sotto la Pioggia
Rain fell with no ending
As I half-ran through the city
With only a jacket
No hood
Droplets drummed against my head
And soaked through my hair
Ran down my cheeks
And over my lips
Slipping softly
Between my breaths
Upon my tongue
And resting there
Whispering, lingering
An echo of a kiss
I can't yet know
Sep 2018 · 433
The Hand of Her Mistress
She waits, outwardly patient, to greet her home
A gentle bow, with a smile that she has rehearsed, but need not
For when her Mistress returns her smile will not be fake
Nor the lift in her spirits
And when she grants her a moment alone,
She longs to feel her Mistress' touch,
Her warmth
Her breath
But she will not overstep, no, she waits - though it pains her - until permission is given
And all the more precious is the hand she cannot hold
The hand she reaches for
Yearns for
But remains a command away
So she waits
For if she is good,
Her reward will be sweet.
Sep 2018 · 119
Starlight
Her eyes put galaxies to shame
Her words like starlight
glistening gently in the dark
She is more beautiful than all the heavens
Brighter than even the fullest moon
That I could even think to touch her heart
Is no less than a blessing I don't deserve

She places smiles upon my lips
And warmth in my soul
From those smiles spill words
And from my soul songs pour
In my heart's heady desperation to repay
the love with which she has drowned
the very fabric of my mind
Jul 2018 · 129
Sky At Night
As we sit here
Stars circling above us
Eternities pass in seconds
Fathoms in whispers
Reality melts into a symphony
Of feelings and fleeting moments

And beneath it all
A whisper in the air
Each breath a blessing
Every smile an embrace
Gathering all fear and longing
And setting us free
Sep 2017 · 310
Projections
I was nothing
My emotions projections
Of what I thought I should be
My heart beating for nothing
But circulation
As anxieties ran around my brain

I was a shell
Pretending to be normal
Imitating feelings I'd never known
Locked in a life I never lived
Broken but convincing myself
Nothing was wrong

I was confused
Knowing I was 'different'
But not sure why
And searching for fickle painkillers
That never dulled the pressure
In my mind

I was lost

Now I'm finding myself
Sep 2017 · 578
Muffled
I was more interesting in love
I found beauty in the smallest things
Excitement in the coming of winter
Thrill in the thought of just sitting
With an arm around me
Or a head resting against me
Or lips humming with muffled song
Not that I changed, or I need another to be complete
But that giving love fed me
And getting love opened my eyes
Sep 2017 · 202
Hold
I'm staying up too late again
Listening to songs that make me cry
And I'm wasting away hours
That I could use for...something at least
So little purpose these days
So little meaning
I know the dream is coming
Just, it's too far for now
My life is a phone off the hook
Stock music crackling to no-one
Waiting for someone to pick me up
And lead me on.
Sep 2017 · 197
Packing
Boxes
Collecting the life I need to take
Leaving behind the trivial
But for a few small comforts

Piles
Sorting my belongings into
Future and past
All the eccentricities I've collected

Lists
Making sure nothing is forgotten
So I will be safe to settle
In some distant room far away

Time
Drifting slowly but
Accelerating towards
Well...I don't know what yet

Something new
Sep 2017 · 199
Let's talk
I don't write about God
Not often
When I try I feel inadequate
Or I fear somehow offending
Or alienating
Someone I wish was saved

I don't write about God
Not easily
How to describe something
So ingrained in my being?
Closer even
Than my bitter struggles

I don't write about God
Not enough
Not because I can't
Because it's difficult
But after all
Difficult is no excuse

So let's talk about love
Let's talk about forgiveness
Let's talk about sanctuary
Let's talk about comfort
Let's talk about escape
Let's talk about freedom
Let's talk about what you need right now
And let's talk about doing something about it
That's my God
Sep 2017 · 184
Perfume
I heard once in a song when I was young
that your "first love stays with you for ever"
and back then I knew who she must be
but now, what I thought was love back then
I see was immature loneliness
but my mind still drifts back
to a girl I loved
who used to read my poetry
and I used to admire her voice
now I wonder if I could have made it work
if I'd been older, more confident,
kinder or less busy
perhaps
most likely not,
but it seems that her eyes
and the smell of her perfume
are intertwined with my memories
Sep 2017 · 170
What reason I have
What reason do I have to be angry?
I have lived in comfort
Never doubted the safety of my future
The hardships of this world
Have breezed past me, barely moving my clothes
Of course I have faced trials
Don't we all?
But I never had anything to blame them on
For the most part they were unfortunate
Or inconvenient
No, I have never had reason to be angry.
Yet, sitting like a knot in my throat
Some tumour filling my stomach
Rotting slowly
An undeniable frustration
That I watch my friends' and strangers' lives
Falling apart, cut-off and left to stumble on
And where I see no reason not to help,
Those that can see no reason to
What reason do I have to be angry?
None, not really - but what reason do we have?
We have far too many to count
Aug 2017 · 253
Chrysalis
I used to keep myself out of sight
Shadows became friends far warmer than light
The outside world saw no more than a shell
While inside I was growing and preparing myself

Slowly I let the sun touch my skin
Allowing more eyes to look in
And see my heart beat freely
So I could begin becoming me

I broke through the walls, but not alone
People around me at every milestone
They held my hands and pulled me out
With their help I ended the blackout

Now a new life takes its place
As a new smile dances across my face
I stretch out my new wings so they can dry
So that one day - I can learn to fly
Aug 2017 · 162
Hazy Shapes
A girl sits on the worn out
Stone of an old staircase
Deeper in the middle from
Shoes gone by
She leans on the wall
By her side
With a smile on her face
And her eyes barely open
Air drifts in to her
Like she is a part of it
And with it she flows
Up from the cold stone
Out of the shadows
Across the town
The only one she knows
To find the eyes
That she spotted last night
Filled with ripples
And colour and light
And from the hazy shapes
She strained to see
She builds a person
Thin arms, thin waist
Hair half over one shoulder
And a smile,
Then a laugh which
Tickles her own lips
And makes her open her eyes

She stands and shakes her head
She must forget
Until she sees her again
Aug 2017 · 161
Waffling
Does all this really mean anything?
When so many others have said this all before
And in better ways with perfect form
And without repeating themselves
Again
And
Again

Will anyone but me look back and think
These cascades of words meant anything more important
Than just a student with too much time
And not enough energy?

Will anyone love my love poems?
Or be inspired by my protests?
Or close their eyes and picture the moments
I found unforgettable?

Will I be remembered for writing a few too many days?
For running out of things to say and
Waffling on anyway?

Or perhaps someone might find some truth in these words
Or a perspective never before expressed
Maybe
Maybe not
But no harm in waffling on
A
Little
Bit
Longer
Aug 2017 · 139
Weird Toad
We were inseparable
Until we were too busy
Or too tired to laugh
And we'd talk nonsense
For hours on end
For some release
From logic and coursework
We'd eat junk
Because why the hell not?
And we were inseparable
Because why wouldn't we be?
When we knew each other so well
Well enough to call each other
Trees and weird toads
And we laughed and laughed
And laughed and never grew up
Because why should we?
So we didn't  and we won't ever
Not really
Not when we're together
We'll always be not-quite-adults
With whims and fantasies
And silliness
That meant so much
For meaning nothing
Aug 2017 · 308
Dylemma
In my heart I know
That doesn't mean anything
I'm so sure
You'll probably grow out of it
It's a part of me
Just hormones playing tricks
This is who I am
You're lying to yourself
I'm happier this way
You're making things difficult
I don't belong in there
You don't belong anywhere
I'll find someone who loves me
Not me
I just want to live a normal life
You can't anymore
I'll dress how I want
You're ugly in that
I feel beautiful
Freak

.
Aug 2017 · 165
Bored Composer
Between my fingers
Lies the power to entrance
The beauty to bring tears
The energy to make dance
A shift across one step
And the atmosphere could change
The air becomes much hotter
And light seems to fade
Add an extra feeling
Above comfort, uncertainty
Yet still held in balance
By mellow intricacy
But stretch my thumb a little
I could pull back to hope
And climb up to sanctuary
On gently woven rope
And weave a simple story
Of loss, of love, of growth
Aug 2017 · 197
Results Day '17
And there on the screen,
At 7:49
The words for which I've waited
But never believed were mine

I'd prepared myself for failure,
Readied for defeat,
But now all fear is lifted
And I cannot speak

Because my future is secured
A degree awaits my hands
And beyond it so many options
I never thought I'd have

And I know, for once, I earned this
I worked hard, I pushed myself
So whatever comes of this
I deserved to do this well
Aug 2017 · 257
One More Circle
My leg twitches as I lie in bed before sunset
Forcing my head to the pillow with little prospect of sleep
For one more circle of the moon remains
Before my many suns are aligned
The arrangement of the stars I imagine on the ceiling
Moving each one in turn with fantasised hands
It meant little to me until this dusk how far above they sit
And in what heading
Yet now the wake they leave in the cosmos
Ripples and shakes my entire world
And impossibly warps the outcome as my pathetic vessel is drowned
I let the weight of the atmosphere press me down
Each molecule a rope tying me tighter to the mattress
And force my eyelids shut so that I might dip out of time
For just long enough
To see how far I must climb
Aug 2017 · 136
Distance Nears
As feet meet with dust
The horizon keeps moving
Clouds are approaching
Aug 2017 · 158
Angels Falling
The world turns grainy
Like old film
And the only lights are the streets below
And the moon
All sense of balance falls away
As I submerge myself
In the expanse of darkness above my head
A falling angel paints a streak as she lands
A smile and a gasp break out
The heavens are raining beauty on us tonight
And we gaze on with eager eyes.
Aug 2017 · 161
Pyrohelios
Before the sun can sleep
It sets the world on fire
It fills the sky with flames
And turns the trees to smoke
It watches the horizon burn
As it falls from reality
And lets the night put out its flames
Aug 2017 · 171
Countless Regret
Missed chances are worse for the time in between
When they play countless times a thousand different ways
And you can convince yourself your way
Was the worst
Because there are so many things you could have said
That would have been better, not so bad or OK
But still in the moment your words struck wrong
And said not what was on your mind
And you let it go, let it slip
And let it torture you through the night
Aug 2017 · 135
Missed
Perhaps time has stood still
Or I am waiting too long
But I cannot bring myself to leave
When regret hangs so heavy in the air
And I force myself to believe
It can still be sorted
And I can be redeemed
Perhaps I am thinking too much of myself
When I decided to make apology
But now I will blame myself not only for my pain
But any also that she received.
Je pense donc je suis
Mais je ne pense pas que je suis
ou je ne suis pas la fille tu voir
Tu voir une fille avec yeux de la tristesse
Quand mon cœur s'élève avec espoir
Je n'aime pas penser que
La personne que le monde connaît est un mensonge
Mais je crois qu'un jour
Je serai aimé
Car je ne me cacherai plus
Aug 2017 · 112
Around Air
My life changed in less than a year
Yet I fear I will not
That I will be forever nervous
Forever panic at the key moments
But so many say they were the same
And they changed
And learned to be calm
And seize the day
Rather than clench their fists around air
Aug 2017 · 133
Forming
Many hundreds of children
Forming their impression of the world
As I sit, bitter, but hopeful,
With a face that forgot how to smile
And eyes that learned to be shallow
Or shallow enough
That the truth could only be found
By one who searched for it
Their tears are ended
By simple joys I no longer know
Perhaps they will not need the fears I grew
Perhaps they will need more
But for now they do not know
Aug 2017 · 121
Sweep Down
The clouds seem to dimple in a grid
As if poured over an egg box
And left to set in the sky
Further along the grid sharpens
Now rows of white cut into the sky
And between them blue stripes
(too bright for so late)
Sweep down to the distance
And stretch past the corners of my vision
Aug 2017 · 144
Archaic Thoughts
I stand here
As if I've been here ten thousand times
As if these trodden pathways were laid on my footsteps
And the lines of trees make an imprint on my retina
As if they fill a gap that was printed in my eyes
When they first formed
And the branches turn the afternoon to dusk
Silently drawing the time from the air
And using it to paint a patchwork
Of deepening green above my head.
Aug 2017 · 125
A Reason To Hate Me
Every glance I see as a scan
An examination probing for my weak points
Looking to expose my secrets
And reveal the things I hide

I know, of course, most care little
If at all,
Of the width of my shoulders
And the line of my neck

And yet I find myself afraid
That someone may see through me
Notice me in the crowd
And find in the folds of my dress
A reason to hate me.
Aug 2017 · 130
Escape I Made
So here I come
To tear myself to shreds
To chastise myself for fear

So here I come
To run through the loss
To remind myself how foolish I've been

So here I come
To turn noise into ambiance
To listen for signs of my mistake

So here I come
To get away
To trap myself all over again
Aug 2017 · 114
The Important Things
I can't remember the colour of her eyes
Or her hair or any of the things
You're supposed to pay attention to

I don't know her name or her number
Or what language she spoke
Before we agreed on English

I'm not sure how old she looked
Or why she spoke to me
When neither of us have met

But I know when she asked
If I'd like to walk with her
I definitely should have said yes
Aug 2017 · 117
Roll
An epic battle
Of numbers against paper
Of ideas versus plans
A determination to defy
The rules the world is governed by
And bring inconceivable to life
Aug 2017 · 119
After The Storm
Can you hear me as I sing to you?
Can you hear when I whisper in my room?
I'm afraid you'll be lonely without me
Are you afraid you'll see me too soon?

I regret every time I drew my own blood
Because it only made the veil close
I regret hurting myself in your name
And I hate that you will never know
That I got past the pain

I won't be held in the pictures we took
I won't stain sadness on the memories we loved
I'll keep on fighting
I'll keep on rising
I won't keep hiding
I'll let the tears fall
So time can take it all
Aug 2017 · 231
Tornado
The sky turned a grey shade of yellow
And the trees bent to the breath of the gods
The air screamed, as bark ached
And splintered and fell.

Rain turned to bullets, ricocheting from windows to ground
Secure became vulnerable
Heat became anger
Our sanctuary turned against us
We cowered and marvelled
At the power intent on our destruction
And took pictures of impending demise.
Aug 2017 · 110
Too Hot
The heat presses down
Clammy hands over my mouth
The air burns my brain
Aug 2017 · 127
Where is my fear?
Does fear stem from the heart
Or seep in through cracks in your skin?
Does it build up in your blood
Or soak into the layers?
Does it pump through the insides of your brain?
Or dissolve into every lungful of smoky air?
And does that poison protect us
Or slowly wear us away?
Aug 2017 · 120
Another distance
As we climbed
The hills behind unrolled themselves
And laid themselves out in the sun
To bask and beautify
The cascading brightness
As it tumbled down mountainsides
Into the lake
Skipping like a flat stone
And shimmering with each bounce
We watched as horizons became endless
As haze dissipated
To reveal another distance
Beyond the limits of our eyes
Marked only by the shadows of peaks
We couldn't quite see
Aug 2017 · 107
Dachau
Plaster peels off each cell wall
As the memories crumble of horrors they held
Each grated window a door to a belief
A superiority that bled out the "weak"

Rows of empty foundations
Regimented into corners as sharp as the tongues that commanded them
Little remains, but for the bell toll
And with it a million screams

Each detail refined for perfect horror
The floor cast to drain the heaped corpses
The smoke of their bodies still sits in the chimney
The blood of their slaughter still stains the wall

The pain is gone now, dissolved into flashbacks and imagined torture.
But the bullets and echoes of evil still sound
As we say "Never Again"
Aug 2017 · 104
Remember How
Lungs bypassing air
Heart forgetting how to beat
Brain losing control
Aug 2017 · 110
Wooden Spoon
Wood.
Carved by machine.
Curved for purpose.
Yet.
Snatched from logic.
Labelled a trophy.
An antivictory earned too hard.
Wood.
Stirring memories.
Aug 2017 · 122
Panels
My world's corners fold over
And thread themselves through the panels
Of a brand new manga
Not a week old but read twice
And consuming me again
In a world I understand but can't touch
In a life I recognise but can't feel
Until I follow my world through the edges of the scene
And clamber in
And soak in the smell of the ink
That becomes a mash of leaves and bodies
All placed for me so that I can lose myself
And find someone else that I might have been
Aug 2017 · 112
Metal to Metal
A chattering of metal to metal
A hushed whisper
Broken only by the limits of closeness
No message lost along lines of muttering
And those confused caught quickly
No patience stored within those thin sheets
All rushed to fill this screen
Aug 2017 · 114
Pretty Purpose
Settling spirits lose their fire
Drifting down from smoky skies
To tangle up in earthly hair
In closed eyes, in hums, in sighs, in air.

Far flung the thoughts of old;
Duty deserts them, passion sold -
Youth yearned for long ago
Now squandered, now lost, now caught, now go.

Pretty purpose fades to dust
Desire's deception burns with lust
Nurtured knowledge cast away
To try, to fail, to be replaced
With goals more worthy
Than empty success
To find, to wonder, to love, to bless.
Aug 2017 · 125
Struggling To Hear
Why are you falling so far without me
You said we could never be free
you said the ground was too far
For us to reach
Don't leave me here
Don't leave me here
I'm losing my sight
And I'm struggling to hear


Why are you running away
 you said we were here to stay
I can't believe you'd leave me in these handcuffs
A captive of my own brain
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
I can't understand
Why?
Where?
When?
How?
Aug 2017 · 100
85 miles
85 miles up and climbing still
We lost our footing and we fell uphill
We kept rolling in the skies
We could be-
We said

We could be anything we want to
As long as we live in our own 2
Dimensional
Dimensional
Freedom

25 feet under and we're digging down
We never gave up running into the ground
But you left me with my
Hands *****
To clean yours

I'm losing all sense of direction
I'm losing all my sensations
I can't connect my emotions
With the fires in my heart
Aug 2017 · 98
Sludge
Waiting for some inspiration
With destination unknown
Unheard
Unused
To settle in the sludge of my
Closed off mind
As if sitting doing nothing
Could summon beauty with no
Effort into reach
And yet still the ache of my arm
Prevents me from snaring
Even the closest of concepts
Between my fingers
Aug 2017 · 111
Pointless Explorer
And here I find myself again
In early hours of morning dew,
Drizzle, showers, spats of rain,
An unsteady beat to match my strides
And could the mist replace the hours lost?
Hours spent with no purpose
But for avoiding dreams

Yes here my heart finds comfort, peace
Amidst the overgrown and dying
Besides the flowing of a manmade stream
I see beauty in the leaves
Not perfect no but intricate
Refined
Each put in place for some purpose
To stimulate the mind

And like some pointless explorer I make my way between undergrowth
Twisting and stretching away from nettles
But caring little if I'm stung
Each tree I recognise as a friend
And logs as fallen graves
Each bird sings of a new day
And a new song
And the hope
Such hope
Remains.
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