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Up late,
But for once my eyes,
And I see the messages,
She wants to call,
She wants to hear,
My voice?
But why would that be,
Her choice?
I panic, shoulders,
As I swipe right,
The call and hear her,
I speak and then she's,
Out like me.

And followed an exchange,
Of spoken joy,
As the best of friends,
Heard each other for the first time.
Here, in these ninety minutes,
This means something,
This one shot,
The single chance to prove
That those thirteen days (and a year before)
Were not wasted
Not simply an excuse nor chains
That shackled me to the desk,
To the chair, inside...
This is it,
Do. Not. Mess. It. Up.
Breathe, focus.
*"The time is now exactly ten-to-nine,
You may start - good luck."

*Article 856
Can you see? Rising in the streets
A force, a song, running through their feet
They move, as one, strides marking the beat,
One voice, one heart, hands and promise meet.

The fog, dispersed, by angry boots on stone,
The dark, remains, but no longer alone,
The hope's alive, and spirits start to grow,
They'll stand, until, the flag of change is flown
I cannot comprehend how anyone
could be willing to destroy life
for no more than fear
for nothing greater than revenge
and less, unfounded hatred.
That anyone could even try
to shatter the future of children,
teenagers and parents alike
twists the mind.

I cannot comprehend how it must feel
to lose a child, friend or brother so quickly
with no warning and no chance
of escape from the crush of
uncompromising grief.
How to deal with the brutality
of a barbaric assault on
dignity and humanity with
nothing even close to closure.

I cannot comprehend how quickly
cheers turned to fear to nothing.
It hurts all the more
because we cannot say "Why?"
For fear of the silence.
A cold sunrise,
Frozen sky,
Shatters in my eye.

Clouded breaths,
Crystallised motion,
Melted by emotion.
Six purple tulips,
Stand proud and tall,
They are the lucky ones,
Who survived despite it all,
They are cared for and noticed,
Treated with respect,
They always get more water,
Than the others can get,
So no surprise then,
With treatment like this,
They bloom far more early,
And can afford to take a risk,
And is it really all that shocking,
That out of all these flowers,
The ones that are most beautiful,
Are the ones doted on for hours.

Five white tulips,
And one more with a hunch,
Sit lower in the vase,
The feeblest of the bunch,
They all knew from the start,
That they would never live,
As they were born in plainer robes,
And have nothing more to give,
One of their number,
Has already succumbed,
Looking down at the ground,
Determination numbed,
This flower was unlucky,
Turned away by those above,
When all it really needed,
Was help and love.
85 miles up and climbing still
We lost our footing and we fell uphill
We kept rolling in the skies
We could be-
We said

We could be anything we want to
As long as we live in our own 2

25 feet under and we're digging down
We never gave up running into the ground
But you left me with my
Hands *****
To clean yours

I'm losing all sense of direction
I'm losing all my sensations
I can't connect my emotions
With the fires in my heart
We sat across, hands held
And told each other our past
And I admitted to myself
My failings, my fear,
And cried in her arms,
Releasing the panic,
Letting her voice soothe me,
Her closeness ease the trembling
That takes over me so quickly,
She says I can love,
She says I must love myself,
That I matter,
And then I knew for sure,
Where my shattered heart lies.
Starting well,
All as planned,
No surprises, no shocks,
Still I have a bad feeling about this.

A slight hint,
That something's not right,
But it doesn't matter too much,
Still I have a bad feeling about this.

Foundations tremble,
The first rocks falling,
Then landslide, disaster, outrage,
I had a bad feeling about this.
My life is not,
As bad as it seems,
But the thing is,
The person living it is me,

So I exaggerate every,
Little thing,
And make it look like,
It's hell I'm living.

When really all I need to do,
Is put my chin-up,
And keep battling through.
Her eyes are still,
Amidst the chaos,
Of swirling, cycling, screaming gales,
Ripping dying leaves from,
Breaking boughs,
Till they tumble,
As they always would have,
But before their time.
Close my eyes and reality falls
Away to an abstract half-memory
The air has a shape now
It flows around my head
A soft purple twisting stream
Deflected so simply
Tumbling so easily and I
Am swimming with perfect breath
My head drifts, following lazy currents
The lavender strands frenzy as they pass
My flesh grows lines and traces
Graphs along its surface
That tickle my arms and face
In faded blue felt-tip.
Walk the line of crazy,
Dip a toe into insane,
Dance when there's no music,
Play out in the rain.

Ignore the normal and find,
A new pattern to become,
Discard the path,
Walk across the grass - Run!

Be intoxicated by the smell,
Of the air in summer,
Smile at clouds,
Break traditions,
Be free.
Ok I admit it
I'm hurting
I can't think like I used to
Can't smile without turning on each muscle
In the corners of my lip
I've lost faith in the future
And blamed myself for it
And killed myself over and
Over in my head
Just to pick apart my brain
And find some explanation for why
Every night is so
I cannot exist
Away from
Friendship that holds me together
Just about, not because the glue
Won't stick but because
I lost some of the pieces already
And I yearn for such senseless
Wastes of time as
The days
I used to savour and
Used to keep me smiling just
A light peeks out,
From the top of a closed door,
Not of wood,
But of night.

Its frame is the stars,
Its handle invisible,
Out of touch,
Too far for human hands.

Beyond that door,
Lies another world,
But no one sees it,
No one notices,
The glint of light,
Peeking at our reality.
We speak a language,
Different to all,
Our words placed in moments,
A glint in the eye,
Or eyebrow raise,
And we know we're speaking in code,
And suddenly we're all,
And though we all know,
That we're all filled,
With burdens,
For those moments we make memories,
And those memories keep us sane,
Keep us smiling,
And burn brighter,
At least for a while,
Than all the shadows of our past,
And right then the whole world,
Is adorabubbly.
A faded passport,
Of who I used to be,
It says that Dark and Hatred,
Are my nationalities,
It says my forename's Fear,
My surname: Everything,
My date of birth is long since gone,
But it's clear enough to see,
From my picture: a face covered in scars,
My life's been long enough for me.
But the expiry date says today,
And I'm sure I've been set free,
I'll send off the details for my new life,
And rewrite my history.
What questions did they answer?
I thought as I picked up the note,
Written were the two sides,
Of unasked questions: 'Yes' and 'No',
Which meant truth?
Which deceit?
Why when they answered,
Did they not dare to speak?
Were their friend's ears too sharp?
Were they too scared to say?
Did their throat dry up?
Was there no other way?
Perhaps it meant nothing,
Just some lighthearted fun?
But really, yes and no always mean something,
Somewhere, to someone.
Half-hearing the story
of a face I didn't know,
But the eyes I've never seen before
still remind me of my own.

The nightmare that she's living -
I don't focus but still see -
Reminds me of the shadows that pass
beneath my doorway.

The faces in her window match
The faces glimpsed in mine
But I know not who she is
Nor who I am
Fingers flying,
As I watch the,
Flickering flame,
In the reflection,
Of these familiar,

Creating melodies,
On a whim,
A feeling,
A chance at beauty,
Revealing a delicate,
Flower of a moment,
Blooming so suddenly,
Dying just as fast.
Can you hear me as I sing to you?
Can you hear when I whisper in my room?
I'm afraid you'll be lonely without me
Are you afraid you'll see me too soon?

I regret every time I drew my own blood
Because it only made the veil close
I regret hurting myself in your name
And I hate that you will never know
That I got past the pain

I won't be held in the pictures we took
I won't stain sadness on the memories we loved
I'll keep on fighting
I'll keep on rising
I won't keep hiding
I'll let the tears fall
So time can take it all
Waiting before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
On the mildest last day before Christmas
I've ever known.

Pacing before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
Rubbing my hands together
As if I was cold.

Looking before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
Realising too slowly
She wasn't coming.
Writing is more than a hobby,
Just as breathing is not a pastime,
Nor the pulse of my heart a game.

Were my words to leave by my mouth,
Not through my pen,
No more than a hint of me would remain.

Perhaps it is hard to understand,
If your fingers do not feel the same urge,
The same need to form pictures,
In whatever way they can.
Can I find a truth,
Within the walls of the soul?
Or aimless reasons?
Sometimes smiles come for no reason,
Sometimes tears fall and you don't know why,
Sometimes truth pours out too early,
Sometimes patience deserts for too long.

Somewhere mistakes that were made did not linger,
Somewhere decisions were taken with more care,
Somewhere honesty was taken in measure,
Somewhere thoughts calmed the beating of hearts.

Somehow nothing ever seems to matter,
Somehow losing never seems to hurt,
Somehow knowing it's hopeless is a reason,
To keep going.

So I become the air: constant but turbulent at times,
And I keep wings from falling limp to the ground,
Eagles can't fly forever,
But the air will not let them down.
A glint on a car window makes me squint my eyes,
Those sharp spikes of light make my pupils hide,
Retreating from the brightness, to the inside they know,
My sight's afraid of summer, but my mind is aglow.

The days are long at last, the evenings pink and red,
The clouds, as if from cartoons, float above my head,
The vibrant flowers are shining - radiant as the sun,
And I am calm, I can breathe slowly, the gentlest season is begun.
Dear Eagle,

If you read this,
Which I doubt you will,
Please know I'm thinking of you.

I know not how long,
Before I see you again,
But I'm dreaming of watching you fly.

I'm not rushing in,
I'll take my time, this time,
To ensure we both soar not one or the other.

My heart is strong,
And will not fall with fear,
But will tremble on hearing your voice.

I'll see you soon, Eagle,
And when I do,
I'll glide alongside you.
A teenager, consumed by hate,
Stayed up incredibly late,
Struggling to sleep,
Though the darkness grew deep,
He convinced himself of his own fate.

His hands reached to open the pills,
As he sought to make himself ill,
But he remembered a friend,
Who prevented his end,
And in a moment he ran out of will.

Alone he decided to write,
Of how he was feeling that night,
The response he received,
Filled him with glee,
And drowned his heart in delight.

So he started to write more and more,
For longer than ever before,
He finished a book,
Immediately hooked,
Though he wasn't sure exactly what for.
Perhaps what I never knew,
I never needed to know,
For otherwise what would be the point
in revelations or epiphanies?
Or those floods of emotion that drown you
in immeasurable feelings reaching dimensions
you never knew your soul had?
Some truths are kept hidden by
coincidence, circumstance, caution,
But truth must come in time,
And all at once in unfathomable blessings
from the heavens and sorrow of the Earth.
Honesty waits, patient as love,
Or love itself, perhaps,
Until our lives intersect,
And all at once, reality is shown.
There are few eyes,
Which catch mine as yours,
Call my gaze.

There are few hands,
Which lift me as yours,
From the shade.

There are few smiles,
Which warm me as yours,
Lights a blaze.

There is no heart,
I could love but yours,
Keeps me alive.
A light, three tiles, another light,
Not white but tinted: blue, pink, green,
The ceiling's closer, muffling my thoughts,
As it deadens the voices around.

The window's open a crack,
A slim strip of sky let in,
But the air is dense, filled with heat,
And dry confused conversations.

The wall is plain, just white,
But washed in the yellow reflection of day,
The only colour here needs a good eye,
Otherwise, all is grey.
Hear your voice in every note,
Feel your breath in every phrase,
As my fingers dance on the keys,
It's you I want to amaze.

But you are not here.

See your smile on every stave,
Sense your hands embracing mine,
An unresolved suspension,
Betrays what's on my mind:

You are not here

But then, in the reflection of that ebony grand,
I glimpse a moving figure,
I see your eyes looking back at me,
My music fades to a whisper.

You are here.

I turn to face you and you take my hands,
You place them gently back on the keys,
"Keep playing," You tell me,
"Let me hear more, please."

I take a breath,
"Now you are here, I could play you my soul."
A faint humming,
In the back of my mind,
A song,
A smile,
Ignored simply,
Because it's always there,
Never leaving,
Always holding,
My hand,
But never noticed,
My always forgotten,
My love,
I know you are gone for the night,
Bound by poor battery life,
But I won't be here at morning's light,
So I'll leave you this to make your day bright.

My love,
There is nowhere I'd rather be than with you,
When I'm away our next meeting is what gets me through,
Nothing could replace you, that's the truth,
And I dream of making more memories new.

My love,
I hope you're not worrying about me,
But I know you will, so I hope you see,
That I'm alright, as I walk lonely down the street,
Wishing round the corner you'd be.

My love,
Promise me to try and keep focused,
Whether it's differentiation or the lifespan of locusts,
Don't let my friends get to you if their words are too potent,
Just know our love means more and their attempts are hopeless.

My love,
Tell me when you see this,
And tell me when you get home,
Because that's what gets me through the night:
*Knowing I'm not alone
Am I here,
Just to be destroyed,

Am I here,
Just to become the next,

Am I here,
Just to lose everything,

Or am I here,
To stand up and,
"You're always on your phone"
Talking someone out of suicide
"You're up too late"
Talking myself out of suicide
"You write too much"
To let the pain out
"Make time"
Where from?
"Focus on school"
*What about my happiness?
Mornings are not so,
Rain-soaked and painted grey,
Now, on occasion, we are blessed,
With light and warmth,
To wake us from our slumber,
More readily.

The rays glint on the windows across the road,
And dazzle my eyes,
So I can barely see the infinite blue,
That so rarely shows itself,
But instead hides behind tears and mist.

If the sun would only shine a month earlier,
Or a fraction brighter,
Wouldn't it be wonderful?
But would it bring such joy,
If we knew its light would embrace us again,
And again, and again, and again?
If I was to write an underscore,
For my life, it would be full of changes,
A sea of dissonance with tiny outcrops of safety,
A deep, dark, angry piano,
Broken through briefly with strings,
And a flute to accompany my tears,
As they gently crawled down my cheek,
And there would be sudden key shifts
Leading into bursts of understanding,
And gentle nights of freedom,
Growing slowly into a bright promise of a future,
Filled with solos becoming a wall of brass,
Gaining confidence until I would stand,
And sing alone.
Waiting in the empty hours
The fading hours
When loneliness holds my hand
Hoping for different company
Or company at all

Waiting in the solitude
A multitude
Of memories haunt me
Draping themselves around my neck
And my thoughts

Waiting in the pointlessness
The uselessness
Of staying up later than planned
Praying for some purpose
To my dreams.

Waiting as I always do
Always knew
That I was in love with 1 AM
More than I ever was
Or ever could love you.
Keep your head when there's no one left
Don't fall prey to the pack
Only listen well to the stories they may tell
If it keeps the rain off your back

Stay your blade 'till they turn your way
Their blood isn't worth the rust
Never strike first, let them give way to thirst,
And deny them the fruit of their lust

Be strong on your own and you'll never be alone
As the weak will flock to your side
But beware the crowd, let whispers sound loud
And one eye ahead and behind
If you must leave your home
Keep your children close
Do not let their hands leave yours

For on streets of gold
Each corner holds
A shadow to hide behind

But don't run from fear
If your heart is near
Your hands will ne'er aim wrong

Keep a smile on your face
Or a drink to fill its place
And don't run, don't run, don't run
Away, away,
The world falls away,
But tell me child you'll chase it still,
And make it fall your way.

Afraid, afraid,
The people are afraid,
But tell me child you'll stay strong still,
And won't let your fear stay.

A day, a day,
We wait another day,
But tell me child you'll smile still,
And run with the sun while you play.
The nights and pain I wish away,
Dissolve upon the breeze,
The lights above, and the whisper of,
A monster in the steam.

A cough, a glare, a moment rare,
A chance to catch my breath,
And listen hard, the falling stars,
Sing before they rest.

A rumble low, that we all know,
Is nothing to be feared,
Keeps us from harm, And spirits calm,
As long as he is near.
Je pense donc je suis
Mais je ne pense pas que je suis
ou je ne suis pas la fille tu voir
Tu voir une fille avec yeux de la tristesse
Quand mon cœur s'élève avec espoir
Je n'aime pas penser que
La personne que le monde connaît est un mensonge
Mais je crois qu'un jour
Je serai aimé
Car je ne me cacherai plus
Too clean,
No character,
A new heart would be,
So I mend my old one,
Stitching up the holes,
That I burnt myself,
It's our scars that tell us who we are,
Not the open wounds or undamaged skin,
It's the places we had to fix ourselves,
Where we made it through,
But we'll never forget,
That shape how we smile,
How we cry,
How we love,
How we hate,
So I can't get a new heart,
But I can make this one better,
And I have,
And I will carry on making it better,
Until I can present it to you with pride,
Instead of embarrassment.
The tiles are a sky of blur,
Blending into fantasised colours.
My limbs are mere complications,
Ignored as my mind closes.
The pain in my head is fading,
Replaced with a numb sickness.
I am drowning in black air,
My muscles disobeying command.
I can't feel anything,
My nerves are protecting themselves.
My stomach is ripped to shreds,
And twisting in on itself.
Breaths are irrelevant,
I must remain...I must remain.
In an instant,
The shades turn to pixels,
The beauty pulled and twisted into,
Strings of numbers.

A perfect imprint,
A reflection of time,
In a misty mirror,
A sun-lit filter.
These words are not what they say,
Beneath their skin lies ****** truth,
Of twisted intent, forced subversion,
Encased in some meaningless shell.

These eyes are not what they seem,
Behind their lenses a world is seen,
With such contempt and such,
Attention to wicked detail.

These hands are not how they feel,
They have reached into souls,
And ripped them to shreds,
In an instant of barbaric honesty.

Demons live in angels,
None are free from dark,
Some can hide from light,
Demons are angels,
When the light
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