My insides turn to ice and a sheet of black slate cover my eyes the longer I go without you.
You melt off the hatred that consumes me and I become an angel within your arms.

I’ll take the blame
Because I know it’s harder for you
To admit your wrongs
To realize your wrongs
So I’ll take the blame
And I’ll listen to your pain
Because I know it’s harder for you
To heal
To move on
So I’ll take the blame

The greatest strength I have
is what I built
after you destroyed everything.

I became my own knight in shining armor.

My universe comes
to an unnerving halt when I see you
But I continue to walk
as if I’m in a rush with somewhere to be

He said one day you will see
You will soon live through all that you've done to me
You will soon realize how deep my love was
And how no man in this universe can ever measure up
I can't wait for that day my love, I can't wait for that call
For that moment when you tell me that when I left you lost it all
For that instant gratification I will feel through your pain
And I know the day draws nearer with every breath that you take.

You stand in a field of dandelions and see weeds
But I stand there with you and see a field of dreams

We walked along the river and approached a small hill.

You reached out for me and offered your help to me, but No.  No thank you
I don't want your hand.

Because me taking your hand is a symbol of trust.

And I don't trust you enough to catch me if I fall.

I analyzed you. Sitting across from me at that coffee table. I knew your thoughts as your eyes were indulged in that morning paper. I know more than what those reports share with you. I watched you, but you didn't know that. I saw the fear in your eyes and watched your hands tremble. In that moment you let go of me, but I still had you. We had each other... And no matter what the world crumbles to, I've got you.

You pushed me
Expecting me to fall
Silencing my voice with your screams
Ignoring my surrendering call

You bent me
Expecting me to snap
Untwisting my brain within your fingers
Letting the fragments rot in your lap

You stabbed me
Expecting me to bleed
Over and over you left me for dead
Hoping that I would cede

All of these terrible things you've done
All of the pain that I've endured
Karma will come back to find you
And when she does I am sure,
She will haunt you for a lifetime
She will avenge all of my pain
You will cower in her fury
And you will remember my name.

The innocence that remains inside of me
Darla, is what her name shall be
Running through the forest as if she were free
Wearing an old fashioned white dress with scrapes on her knees
The lightest shade of blonde hair that you ever did see
Dirt on her hands while her seat for supper remains empty

Darla, oh Darla, where might you be...
Chasing the butterflies and buzzing with the bees
Napping in the meadow is where you may find thee
Dreaming of Darla, she and I are dancing
Away with each other, where I wish I could be her and she wishes she were me.

I invite you in to try and re-establish a friendship we once had.
You come in only to re-establish a ****** relationship we once had.
When both intentions collide... We realize that the other had a different idea in mind.

Things just got weird.

Lost.
His golden brown eyes drew me in like a distant light I wanted so badly to touch.

His lips, so mysterious and with the slightest smile, made me smile back and feel like I needed to hide my blushing cheeks.

His hands, as they moved, where they wanted made my head spin in circles and all I could do was close my eyes.

All of these would soon fade away and all I could feel when it was all said and done was pain. Hurt that it couldn't last forever and that I wasn't enough for you. Used because you eventually wanted that with someone other than me. Broken because our daughter was created with so much love and you turned out to be so evil. Pain because that was the only emotion left.

You seem to be the only one I can't stand
The only one I can't forget
I bang my head against the wall
Hoping the memory of you will fall out of it

You seem the be the only one
That I just can't shake
I drown myself in tears and liquor
Until I finally numb this heartbreak

But in my dreams you remain
These feelings never die
Every day I fight to neglect
This void you left behind

Can we keep you innocent, my child...
Wrap you up and never let another hand touch you.
Keep you wholesome forever and always see a smile on your face.

Can I keep you this big forever...
Listen to your giggles and hear your tapping feet on my floors for as long as I live.
Feel your little hands and feet wrestle with me every night before your big beautiful eyes close to welcome another day.

Can we stay this close to one another...
You depend on me to always take care of you and be there for you, as I depend on you to fill my life with joy. You give me purpose.

Please put me down

I let you take me above and beyond
Soaring through the galaxies..
You've showed me the brightest stars
and the kindest planets
You've showed me compassion
in ways I've never known
You've showed me honesty and love..

But please put me down.
Bring me back to earth.

I don't want to fall from all the way up here
I don't want to be abandoned out here..

Please bring me back,
Where I know what to expect
and even though it's less than what I deserve,
at least I will know where I stand.

His words said he loved me
But his hands told another story
His eyes saw right through me
And his soul was just hungry.
He was hungry for love
But he didn't know what that was
He had seen it in movies
And felt it growing up...
But the love that he needed
Was stolen from him
By another past lover
Who turned out to be a witch.
What she took from his soul
He could not find in anyone
So he scours the earth
Still in hope that someone,
Possesses the power
To fill that void inside
And no matter how many women he holds
He is still left empty by night.
He held me and I knew this
But I thought I could save him
I thought that maybe our voids together
Would help us both feel less broken.
But he moved on so quickly
Before I could try
That witch, how I loathe her
For what she has done to his life.

Our hearts were at war.
Now my heart has given up on you.
I see nothing more to fight for...
No hope in you.
All this time I was fighting-
Until I just decided I'm not right for you.
And you're no good for me either,
So now what do we do?

I felt stuck for a long time,
but now I see things clearly.
I have nothing more to offer you,
You really did take the best of me.

You used me then expected me to still be the same girl.
I spent too much time debating and I've decided to let go.

For once I'm doing what's best for me
And I know you won't understand.
I hope one day you find peace within
And that love finds you again.

You know that it is true what they say, don't you?
That love is blind...
But do you know why?
Because her lover carved out her eyes when he learned that she saw him with another woman.
Even still, she loved him to her last breath in his arms.

I read your poems and I feel as if I know you
As if I have known you for your entire life
As if I have witnessed every smile and tear in the night
Every nightmare that causes your fright
I read your poems and I feel as if I know you.  

I read your poems and I feel like you trust me
Like I am your dearest friend and you confide only in me
So close we are, you tell me every thing
I read your poems and I feel like you trust me.

I read your poems in silence and I have forgotten where I am
Line after line I nod my head because I understand
I read about you and where it all began
I put you down and pick you up to read in silence and am lost once again.

I'm fighting to stay a decent girl
And you're just fighting to keep me,
I've torn myself to pieces up and down this house,
Trying to remember who I used to be.
Your holding on so tightly,
To a dream that I once wanted,
A dream that left me long ago,
That now just leaves me haunted.
You and me, in love forever
Surrounded by life so simple,
This dream that I held so dearly
Turned out to be so fickle.
You were reckless with my heart
And that dream quickly shattered,
I think just to keep me sane
I pretended it didn't matter...
That girl who felt deep love is gone
But I want her back so desperately,
Do you think that if I call her
She will come back to help me?
When she left she took that dream
And what was left over of my love,
She left me as an empty shell
Only to remember who I was.
She left us here together
Maybe she thought I would just follow..
Every day I sit here and pray
That she may come back to me tomorrow

One day she said to me
Mommy, I want to be like you.
But what she doesn't know, because she's too young to understand is that I don't even want to be me. I don't even know who I am.

I hide in my room to escape the judgements
I can hear their thoughts through their eyes. They try to solve my problems without even knowing them. They don't know how alone I feel and how torn I am between wanting to be a mother of two or a sad woman. I cannot be both. I push everyone away and immediately want them back. I'm always just hoping they will stay no matter how hard I push.

I wish I could erase all of those terrible memories from my children's heads. They don't talk about it. They just move on and I stay in regret. This puddle of regret that I love to bathe in.

Part of me doesn't want to trust you.  I don't want to be disappointed.

She stares at the ocean the way she sees her life
As all was lost
Like there’s just too much to grasp
As if she didn’t have a say
As if she has no control
She loves the salty air caressing her body
And the sand hugging her feet
Not understanding that nobody is loving her
Because she‘s not loving us
She reaches for the edge time and time again
While we reach for her and pull her back
She walks down the coast in a haze
While we search in the fog for her
She is lost at sea
Singing to herself about a drunken sailor
Do I forgive her...
For giving up
For letting go
No, no I don’t.

If for a moment she could escape, she would.
Even if just for a few hours.
Lost in silence or lost in a crowd.

She chose to escape in him.
And had she known that was the most dangerous thing she could have done,
I believe she still would have done it all the same.

Unbelievable... I can't imagine..
Being you and the man you are in such high fashion...

Being the "man" you are in such self loathe...
How pathetic you appear.. Even with my eyes closed.

How small you seem, even too the smallest ant
... How wicked your soul is even to the most ******..

How disgusting your thoughts to even the forsaken
... How dare you use me and tell me I'm mistaken

How dare you sit here and lie in my face
Confess such hurtful things then re-word them in a kinder way

You try to sugar coat the truth and pretend I can't taste..
The bitterness underneath the sweet powdered glaze

To belittle me and my feelings, you soon will realize
That my kindness to you was more than you deserved in this life

You mistook my kindness for sympathy and now you're all out of chances
I'm so over this game that you play and all of your antics.

Every morning
I open my tender eyes and see you
I feel your soft skin against mine
It’s a dream all of its own
That I wish to exist in
For forever and a day

Alone in my castle
Some still say that I miss you
On the street and behind closed doors
They all whisper about you
I can't help but hear them but I pretend that I don't
Curious lips and watchful eyes
They follow me like some damsel
I walk past them with poise as if you were here still
But I continue through this dreadful gate
To begin another night alone in my castle

I stand in front of the mirror
Only to see
A girl with no emotion
Staring back at me.

A girl with blonde hair
Who brushes paint on her cheeks
black paint on her lashes
and dove lotion on her feet..

Pink fingers and pink toes
She seems so in sync
Hazel eyes and light skin
A pretty smile with perfect white teeth..

So well put together
Her laugh is enchanting
Her touch is so smooth
Her grace is breath taking.

Her coffee before work
Her heals always so clean
Her dazzling watches and gems
Silver and gold necklaces and earrings..

Straight or curly hair, doesn't matter
Her best always seems so easy
even on her worst day
She still is so dreamy..

Perfectly imperfect
All of these ideals don't mean a thing
Because inside she is hollow
So empty all you hear is echoing..

*I stand in front of the mirror
Only to see
A girl with no emotion
Staring back at me.

If I could lay in silence all night
This would be the place
In the middle of North Carolina
With the moonlight shining upon my face.

Listening to the trees talk their secrets
And the stars shining so bright
Yes, if I could have it my way
I would be out here every night.

I would clear my mind and pack a bag
Kiss my dad goodbye on the cheek
For tomorrow he will return to California
And you will find me dancing amongst the leaves.

Next to the river along a county road
Under the willow tree
Yes, if I could have it my way
This is where I'd always be.

I voted today
For a child
For the lesser evil
For the better side of the devil
He laughs
She laughs
***** hands shake one another
Abuse each other
Bruise America

The back and forth
The teasing and harassing
The lies and the blaming
I voted for a child today
I'm not happy about it
Are you happy about it?

I hate you so much because I want you so bad
It's always a loosing battle trying to erase you from my head
You cause havoc that wrecks me, your finger tips shake my core
A passion so deep you have me begging for more
All I want is to get rid of you,
But you seep through every pore
Slowly drip drop to my brain
It's only when I imagine you with me that I feel somewhat sane
You're just a demon that I live with now
I hear your voice and feel your lips
Asleep or awake, I can't see past you
You cloud my eyes like an eclipse
I don't know what you did to me all those years ago
I'm struggling to move past you because you block my every road
Without you I'm unfinished and deprived
I'm in a manic-like condition
Having had a taste of you, I can say with confidence
You are the worst addiction.

The repetitive melody
A symphony of peace and joy
Two lives coming together
Combining generations
To create one

But there’s something about that harmony
That I don’t understand
Something that boils my thin blood
So hot that I hyperventilate
And it pushes me away
Beyond the song
And past the crowd
To a place of solitude
A lonely place of thought

Why is love so broken
And all of the people involved
Why are we all so broken
Because of love

I wear her rose petal eau de parfum
So that you turn your head when I walk by
Just enough to trigger that brain of yours
Into a ***** thought when I catch your eye,
Trick your senses to believe I'm her
Spark a desire to grasp me tight
I just want my lips all over you
Not for forever, just for one night.

Did I really do that?
Turn you into this person who stands today?
You look at me and all I see is anger
I can feel your hate from these hundreds of miles away.
I can sense you feel no guilt, which is funny
Because you have plenty to be sorry for
Patching up these holes in the walls
And staring at the broken hinges on every door.
Your rage with me began so long ago
And yet it had nothing to do with me
The first time you choked me unconscious
I woke up and realized how dangerous you could be.
The first time you shoved me with our daughter in my arms
Across the room then ran to our rescue
Revealed a side to your wickedness
That I always wish I never knew.
The first time was not the last time,
And somehow it is still at no end
You decided to push me away for six long years
Then suddenly you wanted to be my best friend.
You're hurt because you opened up to me
And finally gave me your heart and soul
But by the time you wanted this thing to work
I had already turned cold.
Stop calling my phone and playing victim
Continue to gossip about me to your family
Solitude suites you so well old friend
Just forget about me.

Back and forth, left and right
We never could make up our minds,
We never could be on the same page
We always were too disengaged.
When you wanted attention
I wanted freedom
When I wanted commitment
You wanted a reason.
We spoke of love like it had no limits
One of us was always more invested.
One day we were inseparable and the next I was at your throat
One minute you had your arms around me then in a flash you would explode...
For the longest time we truly believed
That I was meant for you, and you for me,
We thought two broken souls had finally found a home
But we were even too broken for each other and the result was a cyclone.
Our love was a tragedy and I don't believe it was real
We both just wanted a heart to steal...
We lost ourselves and its sad to remember
That at one point we both made a promise of forever,
We were best friends and now we can't even speak
Because every time just brings up too many bad memories.
Your pictures make me puke and your voice gives me a headache
But at one time just thinking of you used to keep me awake,
And at one point you trusted me enough to tell me your secrets
Things I know now you wish you never revealed.
Three times you asked me to marry you and make it official
But each time I said no because I was too fearful
Terrified of you and your selfish ways
All of this **** I've said too many times, just in different ways
It just doesn't go away.

I have something to say and it's taking me so much courage to tell you. It's a scary feeling and it's also so overwhelming. I wake up with these thoughts splashing around in my head. They overflow onto my day and drown me in thought of us. I've been holding back for some time now, thinking that this feeling is rushed. I thought that by holding back I may be able to better grasp it and analyze it to make sure that it's real. And now that I've taken this time, I'm finally ready to share.  I'm ready for you to know that I won't ever let you go. I'm ready for your next move, whatever that may be and I'm ready to stand by your decision. I'm ready to smile every day for the rest of my life. I'm ready to be loved and give love in return. I'm ready for big dreams and future planning. I'm ready for commitment. I'm ready for mistakes and hiccups along the way. I'm ready for uncertainty. I'm ready for passion and a breath taking life. I'm ready to give you my hand, my heart, my mind, and my body. I'm ready for you to know that I'm ready for you. I know that I'm ready, but I'm also ready to wait for you to be ready too.

We were and will always be soul mates and yet,
I need to stay as far away from you as possible.

I don't need to look back.
I've already seen what's there.

You always wanted to be somebody
You chased an idea and you chased an image
I chased you but I lost you
And you lost your courage..

How does it feel to be just some body?

I** cried alone in my room every night. You weren't there.
I asked myself why I deserved so much suffering from you.
I spent years trying to understand why I loved you so much and only received heartache from you.
And after all this time, I finally realize that it's only me that really comprehends my own emotions and struggle.

So what do I need you for?

Have a great day :)
I'm grateful for the friendships and connections that I've made here.

I think it's important to reflect on what you have and remember that we are blessed in this life. Even on your worst days.

Sometimes she just sits by the fire
In the middle of the night
She makes a small plate
And keeps off all the lights.

Sometimes she leans against her window
Staring out at the moon
Wishing on stars
Swaying to her favorite tune.

Sometimes you may see her
In her own little world
On a bus route somewhere
Looking out into the world.

She silently lives
But she's happy this way
Lonely as she appears
But she is her favorite company, every day.