I've got a moment to myself
And a clear mind for once when I write
All negativity aside
Wow, you know- for once I feel alive.
No more cloggy sentences
Filled with emotions I can't explain
No more cloudy rain clouds causing
Muddy puddles in my brain
I've had enough of "I can't take this"
No more depresso shots in my coffee
I woke up this morning and realized
I deserve to be happy.

All this time has passed
I breathe in and exhale.
Day by day, not a word from you
But you came to me in a dream last night
I was shocked to see your face
You stood there for a moment and I felt you cared
Your eyes were as gentle as they ever were
You told me what you had done
And you wanted my forgiveness...
You've had it for quite a while now, lover
But you never deserved it until now.

Baby I won't waste my time
Thinking that, I'm all you think about
When we both know I'm out
Of your mind..

And honey I won't waste my breath
Standing there, trying to look into those eyes
When all I hear are lies
From your mouth..

It's alright, I'm okay
It was nice to meet you babe.

I must be stupid
I must have lost my mind
There's a space in my hollow head where you walk around
Banging on the walls and the door
You talk to me through the vents manipulating my feelings

I may be smart enough to know I don't love you
But I must be stupid to keep you up there.

She spent every day under the cypress tree
Listening to the ocean in all its glory
The people passing in all their hurry
The birds singing in all their harmony

She spent every day beside the ocean
Wondering why she feels so broken
Wishing she could remain there, frozen
Silently wasting away, regretting the paths that she had chosen

She spent hours upon hours with her feet dangling off the cliff
Convincing herself that if she fell she would never be missed
Believing happiness was just a jump away, a dive into the mist
Hours until sunset then she was inclined to resist

Tomorrow is just the same, I shall watch her debate
Watching her from a distance, implicitly afraid
Admiring the same soul that she chooses to hate
I watch her and I wait, day after day.

"You're crazy baby"
He held my face in his hands
He kissed me and said
"You're not going anywhere"
He kissed me like he needed me
And he ****** me like it was the last time-
Every time

"You're crazy baby"
He loved me through his wickedness
Through his lies, through his cheating nights
"You're not going anywhere"
He loved me in the only way he understood
We loved and lied like Kennedy and Marilyn

"You're crazy baby"
He would yell, as he moved like fire through the house
Destroyed my sense of security and my sanity
His favorite wall paper was his fist through the sheet rock
"You're not going anywhere"
He was a **** fool
"You're crazy baby"
I finally yelled back
He ruined what could have been a masterpiece
And it will be his worst regret
"You're not going anywhere"
I finally realized
He will forever be trapped in this hole

And I was **** right.. he never did make it anywhere

She was screaming
Pounding on the door
"Let me in!"
Knuckles ****** from the constant banging
Her voice was raspy and if you could see her
You would recognize that her eyes were burning from all of the tears
And her cheeks were flushed from her efforts
Let me in, she cries
Let me in...
But as you two stared in each other's eyes that day
And you continued to tell her of nothing things, as you always do
She listened
You did not hear her begging,
Only because she did not ask you directly
But inside she was giving up
Leaning her back against the wall to the right of the entrance
Lifeless body and limbs weighted to the ground
One hand barely tapping the bottom of the door
Her eyes fighting to remain open
She is fading
She is giving up on you.

I stood there and I stared at him
I told him I loved him and it'd all be okay
But he knew I lied again.

2am and I'm barely getting home
He's waiting in the living room by his phone
Waiting for enough strength to tell me to leave
Instead, I open the door and he leaps to embrace me.

He knows what I'm doing
He looses his mind, I continue to submit
He's screaming and crying
He pushes me and I deserve it

There's not a thing that I can do
There's not a word I haven't said
I shatter him into pieces
Every night I come home from another's bed.

Shared experiences is what ties us together until the end of our lives,
Somewhere you remain in the empty cracks of my mind..
Often walked over when in mid conversation,
Once loving memories that now store as unimportant information.

I've run from you too many times to count
But I have never escaped
Because you are always in my heart
and that is a place I cannot break free from.

I should warn you right now
That you probably should go
There are secrets about me that you will never know

I'm not a girl to love
Because my love doesn't last
I fall so deeply in love so quickly
And fall out just as fast

These secrets are everything to do with it
And they have complete control
So don't ask me to let you in
Because they force me to say no

These secrets are demons
Who tricked their way in
They turned my pure and innocent heart
Into darkness and sin

This numbness is the best friend
That I never asked for
The one that I never realized
I bargained for

In exchange for the pain
That I felt every day
The numbness came in and asked if he could take it away

There were no terms or conditions
In exchange for relief
Just pure satisfaction
That I was no longer weak

But as time passed on
I realized what he had done
Not only did he suppress my pain
But he also stole my love

The ability to love so deeply
That pain could break me
At times I have thanked him
But more often I feel lonely

I fell in love with you
I've never had love so pure
Why my best friend, this darkness
Let it happen, I'm not sure

He's never been one to share
So I'm worried about what he'll do
That's why I'm scared to let you in,
Because he never makes room for two

I think I gave him my soul..
And he ate it with a smile
As he kindly burned the pain away
And swept the ashes into a pile

He showed me how to live without love
Sometimes I feel like I owe him
For mentoring me as I grew up
I used to be thankful to have him

I realize now that I messed up
And I made a mistake
I can't be happy without your love
And I can't have love without pain

I shouldn't have let him take over
My soul became nearly black
I can survive on your love
So I'm accepting all of the pain back

Your love is strong enough
To carry my dark and regretful past
I trust you with my life and my heart
I believe that we could last.

It felt like midnight
Running with the wind
Across the hills
Chasing the stars
Catching our breath
Listening to the crickets
Dancing in the river
..It felt like this

It felt like freedom
Beholding a recurring dream
Finally grasping what you've always longed for
Squinting your eyes in disbelief
Delicate tear drops of joy
The adrenaline of glory
..It felt like this

You felt like home
Like unlocking the front door of peace
The familiar and most relaxing feeling of laying your head down on your cool pillow
The safety of your life behind those walls
The carpet caressing your clean and damp bare feet
Fresh coffee brewing before you open your eyes
The morning sun through your window into your bedroom as an alarm
..You felt like this

I gently bite your knuckles
And I'm captivated by your eyes
Your kisses silence me
In and out of our sleepless nights
Don't stop loving me
Don't even let the idea creep into your mind
I am yours forever in this life
And you're undoubtedly mine.

I'm not lonely because I am alone,
I'm lonely because I have these feelings that I can't share. I can't trust anybody enough to let them into my head. I'm lonely because I hurt alone. Because I suffer alone.
I'm lonely because I hide when I cry. Because I grew up learning how pain is such a weakness. How nobody wants to see it. How nobody cares enough to help.
I'm lonely because I searched for love for so long and only found hate. I wanted love but found emptiness. I wanted to feel loved but only felt used.
I'm lonely because I was raised alone. And now they want to love me, but I'm left with loneliness that lingers.

The best part about love is that it's unique to every individual. Mine is different than yours and that's what makes it special.

There is no standard and there is no normal. If I make myself vulnerable to you that means that I love you. I love you enough to trust you. My devotion to you rests in your hands. Stay loyal to me and I will remain faithful to you.

The best part about love is that I feel it with you.  I continue to learn what love means to me as I continue being loved by you.

Pick a star darling
And my heart will be drawn to the same
As we stare at the same sky from separate worlds
I feel my tears fall and I can't restrain.
One by one they make a path
Through my makeup and to the ground
I close my eyes just to see your face again
But not for too long, for my eyes would drown.
They melt into my book pages
Little black droplets that leave fainted stains
You cry too, from heaven I feel you
While I stay here silent in your rain.

You want me to open up to you,
But where to begin...
With the memories that scare me at night
Or the scars on my skin?
I could tell you of pain
That you've watched on a screen
And tell you it's real
Because it happened to me..
Or I could let you into my mind
And open up Pandora's box
Secrets that nobody wants to hear
My deepest regrets and thoughts...
My hardest lessons learned
And the dreams I once had
Stories of my happiest moments with him
That now just drive me mad.
How much is too much to know?
What's the price on a painful memory?
Is there anything I could do or say
That would make you turn away from me?
Would you listen then forget?
Would your eyes see someone new?
These are all questions I need answered
Before I can feel comfortable opening up to you.

Knee socks
Lace bra
Satin robe
Matching thong

Hair down
Makeup on
Finger rings
Necklace from my mom

Knitted blanket
Love movies
Hot coffee
Poetry

Would be so much better
If you were here with me.

I see you everywhere.

In the cafe off ‪18th Street‬
Buried in your thoughts
Watching the world turn
As if it were a marble between your finger tips
As if we are all just an idea
Trapped within your spinning object…

Stopped at a light
In my car, paused in time
Looking dead ahead reciting the traffic signs
Remembering the tone in your voice as I read them
Forgetting each word after I say it
Repeating the same thing day after day

*Why can’t I let you go…

Write it down
Sing it aloud
Draw it now
Because you feel it

So... I've been gone for a while,
Been trying to get my life in line
Thinking about the future mixed with where I've been
A memory sangria, without the tequila and wine

Not quite where I imagined I'd be
Still so far from understanding
All of the mistakes that I've made and the damage I've caused
While trying to come in for a smooth landing

Hearts that I've shattered while trying to feel whole
Searching for love through sleepless nights
Tearing apart families then embracing that karma
Turning all of my wrongs into rights

Somehow I don't find it necessary anymore to have a say
Lost between silent and won't shut up
I thought I had it all figured out yesterday
But I woke up today feeling quite stuck.

I was the sweet sugar on his mouth
Melted on his tongue
Like snowflakes
Tingling his senses
A refreshing experience
And he sipped me like coffee
Like some kind of caffeine addict
Again and again pressed against his lips
I wanted so much to be his habit
Oh but I was, and I'll never forget it
He's long gone now
And I'm just that stained mug in his cabinet

Hello best friend
How are you doing today
I would tell you how I'm doing
But I know you know already.
I wake up with you, I walk with you
But yet you hide in the shadows
You feel sympathetic for me
When others find me shallow
After remaining strong all day
I come home and collapse in your darkness
My only true place of freedom to express my sadness.
You sit and listen as I recant my dreadful day
and even though you can't respond
I can feel you listening.
I can feel you try to comfort me
As we just sit there in silence
Your presence is always relieving

He resided in wonderland
where love was beautiful
passion was peaceful
and dreams were sweet -

But he took a flight
away, out of sight
and that’s where he met me .

You and your love are like bruises on my skin. Not kisses or butterflies. Your intentions seemed so pure at first. Like my soft and delicate flesh. And then you punched me around and left me with dark reminders of your cruelty.

But just as bruises do, you began to fade away. Goodbye to you and your bruises.

Somewhere in the shadows I found you.
I don't recall what I was searching for.
I don't remember how I got there.
But I recollect the overwhelming warmth of finally feeling complete when my eyes happened upon you.
When I close my eyes I still see your bright brown eyes find mine for the first time.
And in that moment we were one.
In that moment you were mine, and I yours.

Hush baby, everything is going to be okay
Close your eyes and let the tears fall
Clench your teeth and hold your breath
Then let it all out, scream into your pillow.

Feel everything right now
Everything that everyone tried to make you forget
Because no matter how far down you burry the chaos today,
Sure as daylight, one day it will all re-surface and you will feel it.

It's not your fault I fell
I should have known better.
You're just a man
I just expected better.

Hey,
Do you see it?
I do..
I see my future flash before my eyes, as I look at you.
I feel my heart pound through my chest
As if it craves to be one with you
Hey, can you feel it?
Because I most certainly do.

I saw her
In the dark, in that alley way
Leaned against the wall
One foot resting behind her
One slightly in front
She smoked her cigarette and looked at me like I didn't know about pain
She hardly saw me
But I saw her every night
I passed her and she always waited
For the next guest, for the next moment.
She was like chalk
Pale and stale. Diminishing and entertaining
I noted her dark red lipstick.
Compared against her white skin and black hair it was the closest thing to life that I could relate her to
Her eyes always followed my footsteps past her
I watched her contemplate her choices as I faded down the street
But still every night I continued to see her.

There was a certain shade of blue
That I happened to only find in you
A certain song I would often hear
That now lets me know that you are near

Neither sad nor joyous
You seem to love and embrace us
A memory so faint and all so clear
I see you in my dreams and sense you're near

In darkness I fear not
For, by my side you have a spot
A watchful eye, an attentive ear
Present or not, I still know you are near.

Who the **** do you think you are?
Running through towns playing games with broken hearts?
Lying your way into a women's soul,
Finding her weaknesses and playing a fake role.
Taking what you can and seeking out more,
Pretending to be a man you knew she'd adore!
Apologies and deep words that have no filling,
Empty nouns and meaningless verbs that you never intended on doing!
It must be true that you really can't feel,
Because if you could then you would've known that my feelings were real..
Or maybe you don't care, and so you do as you please,
Thinking you just can't feel would be easier to believe...
Easier to digest than thinking you never gave a **** about me
God I'm so sick and so stupid I wish I could just puke and forget everything!

You've never felt hate before
Not like the kind you've instilled in me
I feel so possessed with this evil rage
That craves men's hearts, it's so hungry.
What have you done to my hopeful self
You turned me into someone I used to loathe
All I ever want to do now is play reckless games
With each one of their souls..

Those hands that would wrap around my neck and make me think I could break in half
The same hands that would ball up and knock me to the ground
The same hands that you would apologize with late at night in our bed
Those beautiful hands that I fell in love with on our first date because they held me like I had never felt before
The same hands that absorbed so many of my salty tears
Those creative hands that drew me such amazing images that inspired my many writings
Those lying hands that would dishonestly touch another woman and never leave a trace
Your hands, they ripped this fragile heart of mine into pieces and you told them to do it all

Broken China in the kitchen
Blood throughout the carpet
Punched holes in the walls
The house remains silent.

Although we parted and went about our own ways
Our bond was one that remained.
When you left this life you took a part of me with you
Good night and take care dear friend, I'll see you again soon.

You speak of love as if you should know it
But you have never fallen in love with a poet

You have never been captivated by a sentence or a phrase
A heartfelt tribute that would leave you weakened for days

You have never been held prisoner by a verse about love
A single idea expressed in rhythm that made you feel like you couldn't get enough

You've never read an emotion that broke your heart and broke you down
No, you've never loved so deep that you thought you might drown

I love you this way, the same that I love my lyrics
If you can feel what I feel, then tell me so I can hear it.

Why?  She asked
Why do you love me?
Because,  He said
Because you’re all I’ve ever known
You’re the sun on my skin in the winter morning
You’re breath is my hope, so I inhale you
You’re my smile in a nightmare
You speak love to me in your fingertips
Smother me with your silk hair in the morning
I destroy everything I touch
And you grow flowers from the ash
I don’t know how you do it
You’re contagious and I caught you
I don’t know how to do anything
Except love you

No you can't stay
Get the **** out
I called you to come over for a quick session
And now I'm done, so your time is out.

What do you mean you're feeling tired?
You have to go, you need to leave
Yes I'm serious, get the **** out
You've done all you can for me.

I don't want your company,
I don't want to cuddle
Thanks for being my midnight squeeze
You can leave your number on the table.

I doubt I'll call
Don't ask me personal questions
Don't walk away feeling more than
The bare essential intentions.

I told you what this was in the beginning
I have no room for your feelings
I don't know that you expected from this
But it really did have NO meaning

He is the darkest memory
Buried inside, beneath all this skin
Causing a chemical imbalance
Gnawing at my every *****...
We dance when I sleep
Spinning circles around the ballroom in my head
A fantasy he uses to distract me
Gripping me, twisting me, until I am dead

I wrote of Demond's that invaded me. Demond's that corresponded with my brain and danced with my soul. Demond's that abducted my heart and blinded my eyes.

I wrote of Darla, my idealistic alter ego. The one who dreams of romance and treads passionately towards it. The other girl inside of me who forgives and cries without remorse or regret.

I wrote of heartbreak and abuse from past lovers. The torment of a fractured heart and the loneliness that was left. The neglect from my childhood and the pains of independence. The confusion of men and the unanswered question of "How will I ever heal".

I wrote of my habitual infidelity and thirst for love. My attraction to danger and lust for something more. My deepest desires and most remembered experiences. My darkest fantasies mixed with a little chaos.

In all of this, I still feel the need to say more. Somewhere deep inside I crave to tell the world what's on my mind and written in my heart. Even in knowing I'll never say it all, I will always try.

Tonight I discovered something.
After all the time I spent putting my pieces back together that your lies had so effortlessly thrown around...
I realized that you couldn't be honest with me
Because you couldn't be honest with yourself.
And that's a big deal.
Because for a long time you were the closest thing to Truth that I thought I had.
You were the closest thing to feeling whole that I had ever found.
And when it was over you had me lost for days.
I lost my mind and I lost myself.
But now that I've put all of my pieces back together
I can clearly see that it was you who were the lost one.

and baby, I'm wild.

I'm a double handful.

But I promise I'm worth it.