Sometimes the sway feels like marching
Marching like I’m dreaming
While sleeping with the wind
Upon a sailing, swaying sea.

                                                  These dreams carried me here
                                                  Fleets of souls past
                                                  Lost in my sail boats

These dreams become my home
Because the horizon is gone
And the sun is night,
The moon and stars my life, my love.

I may not know where I’m going
But I feel this forward rise and fall
And the march in my heart
Drums with a knowing beat, beat, beat.

Success swims beneath these bodies of water
The air stirs my hair and soul
Lifting me above unknowns
To a place, I’m taking myself, really slowly.

Chaos humdrum of roaring engines.
The lost siren between concrete slabs
Ricocheting its scream throughout
the hallway streets,
already echoing with horns and yells.

Sleepless and ever burning,
the city lurches on
in agonizing sounds
muffled between high rise pristine glass
and shanty shacks painted with dust.

The frantic commotion of agonized madness,
In zigzag traffic and potholed roads.
The stop and start of hustle and frustration
Rises and falls like a dancing dust storm.

Everything present in a quieter world
is lost in the struggle of city life.
There's no peace or silence here.
Just constant exhaustion in the luminescent roar of human chaos.

26 Dec. 2015

Just a disappointment

I don't hate,
It’s just wasteful-
Breathing in
and never breathing out.

The space is empty
with crammed tug-of-wars
dragging my heart,
Heart dragging months.

I don't think
any less or worse-
Character undefined. Always repetitive.
Bored of the ****
pulling over old paintings;
Same as yesterday,same as before.

I don't cry
for actions cowardly
shunted inwards;
Explosion due released.
The shedding tears,
carving maps upon lips,
design attention
inward reaps deliverance.

I don't hurt
for lacking sensitivity-
desire for one embellished
with lapping present conviction.
The same minuscule point,
returned again and again-
Intentions to change;
Stairwell to nowhere.

I've been where you are
In the darkness
Filled with night lights
Sweet liquors and scents
That dull the ache
Distracting you from your heart:
The heart that you hate
For loving someone far from reach.

I've felt the agonies
Of misunderstandings
When my words could not be heard,
And my soul remained unseen
Because I was drowning
In my own lies and stories:
Falling from my own heights,
A million miles above the crowds.

I've walked this path
That you're dragging yourself on.
I've held the hand
Of self-betrayal in a dark room
And wondered if I'd make it:
Til morning... til the light came.
I've been the one screaming,
Everyone thinking I'm laughing;
I've been the broken one.

The days squeeze
all the air from lungs,
all the blood from veins;
Freezing the warmth
that beats within.

Until silence
curls

around crying lips,
in the dead hours after midnight.

You fed my dreams, like a needle feeds my pain, through my broken veins:
A silver bullet to my heart, your lies ripping me apart.

When I turned, looking for your burned,
bruised, broken words, in a noisy world,
I found silent screams...
same as when I'm waking from bad dreams...

Except when I called for you, you ran.
And when I waited,
my patience lashed, ripping the seems of my skin;
until my love bled out, like it had never been.

                                       You just keep walking. I'll stay. Plant my skin. Water it with this blood. I'll grow. And, I'll love.
                                        Maybe someday you'll see me. And, maybe someday I won't feel, you.

We played the rhythms of our talks
like candle-lit shadows on these walls.
All through the starry skies,
we raised our laughter to soar up high;
The closeness of your skin crawled under my desire,
where we held each other,
warmed by our lonely inner fires.
Displaced.

But, brightened by the light of day,
I found your voice drifting away.
You rolled yourself up behind a smile,
kissing my shoulder, lingering a while.
Misplaced.

Then you traced the contours of my life,
and left without saying goodbye.
The windows pouring the sunlight in,
leaving me wallowing in the scent of your skin.
Erased.

I dug a hole
with a spoon.
Stainless steel twists of
Pain.
The Earth piling into heaps,
like mountains of weight.

I lit the candle,
placed it in Earth.
I began the second hole:
Cradle
for the seed,
the ‘could-have-been’.

Scribbled some words,
Folded the page-
Muddy, smudged:
Tears
from the jawline,
clutched, into the ground.

Marked the bulbous
round of the spoon-
Tombstone.
Grief drizzled grave,
sized for fit.
Softly closing the wound.

I used to look at my walls,
thinking that was my writing.
But as time heals this heart
I see the words in your scrawl.

And when the monsters came
I thought it was my fault -
Like you said it was.
Me and my over-thinking, lingering.

But this darkness grows thin,
the truth seeps through,
like a weeping wound
from the folds of your heart.

All this time I was weak,
I tore myself apart.
Blind to the pieces
of your crumbling walls.

The monsters that come now,
Are from your Regrets
which haunt your soul,
staring through mirrored eyes.

Avoidance tears at our old wounds,
as you try to erase the intimacy shared.
Blanketing the memories in shadows,
so even the beauty twists into vulgarity.

Toe pirouettes kissing the water's face,
I follow the river's ebb.
My eye stretching to its horizon:
beyond it, I let my heart go...

Rushing immeasurably across unknowns,
wondering if it will find what it dreams:
this sunshine, this breeze,
washing quietly over me.

I'm glowing in God's spotlight.
Souls' diamonds in my eyes!
Breath deepened and arms splayed beneath
tall grass and willow trees;
hopes floating to the skies:
spirit set free!

You articulate in swift flight, confidence soaring,
plenitude of words, justly convincing.
Floating on breathless wind between here and there.
Fumbling with sense, coherence of purpose
between twisted bed sheets, whispering pillows;
In the freeze frame static of moonless nights.

I feel the yearning burn towards hoping truth
in a splintering fire against which I warm;
crackling up all your feathers, and concord.
In the daylight you scatter ordinance together,
recklessly aspiring to repair undoing damage:
Wings stunted irrevocably through flailing flighted dreams.

Unknown weighted obstacles glide courageously in hurtled silence,
sideways across the cool air of this post-nested room;
Waiting for gold and diamonds to appear, glorified.
The slightest movement uttered punctures you,
a soggy blown balloon squirting off these walls-
dexterity lays useless on this love-laden floor.

I stare at you spewed inanimately,
like splattered spaghetti in a fitting rage,
across the boards of our echoing abode.
Depths of sightlessness reveal tentatively:
There exists no place for a soul
on the unstable face of the dead.

The night is thick.
Far away a train,
drumming its way out of town,
In the dead silence of darkness;
My breath frosty in the air,
underneath this weeping tree -
I whisper to the shadows:
secrets, truths, my love for thee.

I love you, so silently
in my dreaming reverie:
a place you won't go.  
My heart, you can't know,
because the world
and our stories lie between.

My leaves float in this autumn
Sprouting colours of seasons past.
And I hold your hand here,
One more time.

Lounging in the watery sunshine,
I nod off into the peace
Of sheer exhaustion;
The cat purring his comfort.

I see moons hanging
Beyond the shadow of your sunshine.
My breathing stirring windless
Spaces once shared.

There will be rain soon
In this barren sky of ours.
Giving life to the dormant,
in these desert hearts.

Shared and gathered, like nesting chicks
In a feathered house of closeness,
I am growing wings
From our brushed lyrics.

I hate the way,
                         I believed your promises.
I hate the way,
                        you led me to touch
the truth in the words you wrote.

I hate the way I opened
                         my curtains and doors,
letting in the sunshine of you;
breathing in the scent of you.

I hate the reasons
                         of things I don't know,
of things you didn't do,
that left me waiting.

I hate standing here.
Wave-after-wave hitting the shore.
Without sight of you,
                         anywhere on the horizon.

I hate that there's no way
to pull closed my doors.
And forget you.
                       Like you forgot me.

Take my hand, walk into the darkness.
The place we know, is hidden.
And I want to share the unknown,
Tangled in your embrace.


Even if there are no answers,
At least we will be free.
At least we’ll have seen.
And our hearts will be beating.


Pull me in and I’ll stay.
There is no world other than this:
Sitting on these jetty stones,
Cooling against our bones.
The sun setting behind silhouette trees,
Mirrored water, a timeless love.
Our souls burning with emotion,
Warming the cooling world,
Safe in this place.

We have this place.

The reality you feel
Is the illusion your insecurities have fed you.
The observations made become your assumptions
That destroy the beauty of the unknown.
The words you choke on
Distort truth to lies.

Then your silence feeds your fears
Until your heart begins to fill with doubt.
The possibilities dissipitate
Sabotaged any friendship, any hope, any adventure, any future.
Convinced by the anxiety that warps your mind,
You close yourself.

There's no way back through the twisted silence and physical separation.

Ruined.

The shadows of time move over us
Like clouds rushing in to storm.
The water becomes irresolutely churned
Taking our souls with it
All the way out to sea,
Away from everything we can predict.

And while we are drifting, weathering the storm
The motion surges our intuitions
And we lose the premonitions of why we came here.

Through the eruption of thunder
Our voices are lost and we’re not listening.
In the snapping of lightening
We are blinded to the truth in each other.
So we rely on the unknown movements
As we try to manoeuvre the sails of our ship.

But there is no knowing if we can survive this.
It’s real but we thought it was a game.
And the heart beats in fear now
Rather than with the survival of adrenalin and exaltation.

How do we know
The reasons for coming here?
What if we feel too little,
About things much bigger than us?
And maybe I led you here,
Where you don’t want to be.
Maybe there is a hole
So dark inside of me.
What if you see, what if you see….

But there are a thousand beats
Out there in the city’s heart,
Out there in the oceans crash,
In the silence of your eyes.
In the sound of this dark.

So maybe we’ll just be here,
In the darkness that we share,
Safe from the light
That can expose the feelings,
Smaller than us, but bigger than this.
The things of indifference,
That we wrap into our embrace,
As we undress the souls within,
Because something is better than nothing.

And what if you see,
What if you come to know me,
And in that you learn,
Of all the things that make me burn.
Or what if you don’t see,
What if you can’t find me in me…

And if I am wrong,
If I have brought you here
Into the space laden with grit,
Then we can have tonight,
Before we kiss beneath the sunlight,
One last touch as we separate.

Jumping fences, cozzie on,
towel for a cape:
dives, strokes, somersaults;
doing the pool waltz.
Slurping wormy guavas;
Spinning monkey swings,
Your stories giving me wings:
You said I could fly,
If I Believe,
If I have Faith,
in the Unseen.

Ice-cream seconds, cakes, fizzy drinks;
A shake of the biscuit tin:
"one for each hand, maybe two"
Sugar, your only sin.
Paint. Wood. Leather.
Freshly cut grass.
A pun or ten,
just for fun:
Always the teasing jester.

A dreamer.
Deep talks under sprawling trees.
Hours upon your knees:
in play, in prayer, in Earth's work.
A giver to the faithless, hopeless, unheard.
A believer in love, truth and His word.

What a human.
What a man.
What a legend of my heart.
Gone but never far apart:
I still hear you laugh,
at peace now with your man, God.

There’s a gentle sway of tenderness in the eyes of the Stranger;
Matching the rhythm of the vast blue waters stretching,
a panoramic view:
I glide across their surface,
peacefully soaking up the pleasure of their pulsation.

I push myself under the wave,
gripping the shifting sands,
blindly releasing all my life force;
I balance my mortal body beneath:
The silence rescues my heart’s noise,
making it easier not to breathe.

My eyes squeeze shut in this vacuum.
But all the while light dances like a flapping butterfly in shock:
Displaying colours erratically behind my eyelids.
The world we cannot see, simply cannot exist.

In my ears there lingers no thought,
My heart feels no fear in this.
All my limbs are lifted from me,
And there is a Stillness all around:
Beneath this rocking sheath
My secrets to the world I give to keep.

I'll remember the All Stars
Covered in mud from our roaming
Through summer festival love;
And starry skies above
As we wondered through the night
Until the Sun kissed us;
The rocking of bodies,
Beneath blankets of darkness,
Our skin shimmering
In the moonlight.
I'll remember that.

But the dreams changed & faded
As the world turned
A new sun rose:
Fuelling my heart with desires,
Passions of bigger things.
I grew wings and
I flew to meet the horizon.
But you, you wouldn't see me
As I went into the light.
And so, your world became dark.
I left you there. I left your heart.

I could only carry one.
I was only strong for one.
I'd hoped you'd grow with me.
But you couldn't see.
You couldn't breathe
The bigger dreams in.
The things I chose
For me. For my destiny.
You needed to fumble through more muddy fields,
Dream beneath the same stars longer.
I left you there.
Because I cared too much.
And we'd started to tear.
The seams ripping open.
Breaking us was more than I could bare.
So I left you there. I left you.

Put me on your boat Mr Pirate man
And sail me away to the edge.
And if we fall off at the sunset
I promise I won't be upset.

I'm sure we'd land in the stars
And cruise along molten black waves,
Under the light of our lady Moon
Each swell rolling us into our dreams.

Just be sure Mr Pirate man
That you've courage enough for adventure
And passion a'plenty for the timeless
The unknowns and my own zest for living.

Because I'm sorry Mr Pirate man
I cannot tolerate bland crusades
And frivolous words lost to the winds.
The fiery within needs no fear, only honesty.
For I am free to drift like the currents,
So don't hold onto me
Just sail with me to the beyond.

Through the sluice and trickle
upon my glassy world view,
I stare like the dead,
while waiting for you.

Though I see the storm,
My heart rages in its thunder,
Knowing you'll creep in soon,
Obliterating this nightmare wonder.

Unlike this thrashing rain,
slicing up my window pane,
I've seen the beds you've lain
in my jagged dreams:
where my spirit walks free
chasing my heart's silent screams;
connected to yours
like a ball and chain.

Our sleeping thoughts reflect
our awakened minds.
The madness we hide from
Rolls like a cinema reel
behind resting eyes.
A movie of our lives
In distorted forms.

26 Dec. 2015

My Love fills your lungs,
like a crashing wave
swallowing the air from your life.

I'm the rocks around your legs,
betraying the lies:
dragging the truth with each step.

I'm the shadow in your darkness,
lurking with our pain.
My Loving your Tormentress.

I'm so sorry.

My hurt kills you slowly.
My heavy, iron heart
keeps us chained in the fire.

I've crawled across the ground,
my concrete body and my tears,
like guilt towards the water
where my love can slowly drown.

There was a walk I took
When I was younger,
And love held my hand.
Crossing the Pyrenees barefoot and carefree,
I felt everything.  
But your eyes were empty.

I remember when the rain came.
All the pain I carried,
Fell away behind me.
My footprints heartshaped in the mud,
Soaking deep into my soul.
You walked without a trace.

Something told me this was it.
I had dreams
Wider than the sky.
And you closed your heart
To all my love.
While I tried to fly,
You kept walking.
You kept walking;
That's all you could do.

So, oh I took that flight across the seven seas.
Hungry,  I ate the world up.
I took my love with me.
You kept walking.
You kept walking.
That's all you knew how to do.

A journey into the light and darkness.
And I'm just beginning, baby.
Somewhere out there
I'll live my dreams.

I can't march my ***** boots
To your hanging tree.
The ground opens up
Exploding all over me.
In the blackened soil
I find your decaying bones
Buried beneath the pieces of your hurt.

I can't tear my liquid eyes
From your screaming face.
It's the way I looked
When they walked in to say
That your hands are cold
And the breath dead upon your lips.
My life stopped  with this deadly agony.

I can't forget your laugh
How it wrapped around my soul.
The way our arms
Opened up our hearts
In the quiet, whispered hours
Talking of our dreams.
And all the places we had yet to see.

I can't rewind to before your hopeless state
Or the day you returned
With all your strength cut from your face.
You turned from me
Like I was diseased.
And told of my stupidity:
Loving you is a waste
Because you were the tainted enemy.

I can't forget the pain in your eyes
The world so lost.
All our dreams slowly died.
You walked across the lawn
As I melted down and cried.
Then hung yourself
In a tall tree where you could touch the sky.

I can't return to your hanging tree.
The ground out there
Is waiting to **** me.
But you said "Be great,
Be everything you dream. "
So here I am
Living dreams my heart knows are real.

Nobody wants a body
When given so easily.
Nobody trusts
In lust.
He will fail to see
What is dormant
In the soul and heart
Of the hands that touch
And the mouth that kisses.
And the advantage lies
In his taking.
While she is overlooked
Because society says something else.
And the rules were broken,
Just like her heart will be.
Because he can’t choose her.
He can only have her.

Assume nothing.
Trust timing.
Remain open.
Build bridges.
Hurt no one.
Respect.
Smile.
Say Yes.
Expect Nothing.

/
                         I

I woke up this morning: pale, blue dawn - winter comes.
The sound of your breath all around me, lingering.
Your warmth, tucked beside me.
My eyes fluttering while rolling over -
                                                               You are not there, of course.

Slowly the blinking - the glare of daylight;
Slowly the silence - warning: it's too early.
Quickly the snuggle against a pillow barricade:
Like a jolting disturbance - dreaming resumes.
                                                               Faint shivers, warm touches fading.


Sleep numbs the world into safety once more.


                                   II

A gloomy afternoon, pouring rain,
the smell of wet streets, coolly pressing my skin.
I tug the fleece over nodding muscles: gone.
Then -
                                                                ­an echoing ripping me into the falling rain.

A voice that is yours in subconsciousness-
I hear you within these walls: my heart pounds.
Sleep ruptured and dreams dissolve;
You are not here amongst the rain:
                                                           ­     And, I am not soaked because of the downpour outside.


                                   III

There's no one here.
Just a bird beyond the window.

Where are you, then?
You used to be here, I recall.
Or were you...
                                                          ­      were you ever really here at all?


                                   IV
Some days are like this:
awakening, reaching for your hand;
slumbering wears off with each blinking second:
And I forget you inside fading dreams.
I get up to face my days,
                                                           ­     feeling like there is no one I miss.                                                     \

Paint the ocean purple with
bruises left from punching moments -  
little pains of life,
turbulent winds
in forced water hurricanes;
My fist sweats
in panicked knot.

The beads form a necklace
strangled the breath.
Pupils dilatedin frozen memory
of the sand’s grains parted
through The arrival:
Birthed raw into earth’s womb.

Flapping and panting like beating,
mouths gaping bewildered
in the urgent call.
The pits within swirl,
crazed by the addiction
pulsing in my middle earth.

Dream Talker, wordless in sunlight;
timeless truths in unconscious hours:
Where are you?
Where is your heart?

Are your mumblings of affection benign?
Or is your soul fighting-
fighting to be released from your mind.

You are the flame ignited by the sun,
before Dawns' scent merges with the horizon.

You are the darkness which numbs,
and the silence that deafens.

As you slumber beside me,
you stir a well of words through your breath:
A speech for no one but for Love.

I see your smile fluttering between leaves
Shimmering like bejewelled sunshine;
Binding my reality into a daze,
A world covered in dreams.

I lie curled among the flowers,
Dancing in the breeze that whispers
Of trails, dirt and flying clouds,
Racing towards beckoning mountains.

A rush of sea air rolling over me
Beating my heart like a drum;
Pumping energy from ocean depths
Into my soul as it grows wings.

Elevated from the earth into the sky,
I tear the grass from its roots.
Bringing a piece of this world
Into the ocean's Map of Stars.
The darker days have finally
Washed away from me:
Pulled by the moon,
And, the light and love of you.

The floor is warm.
Outside is still for once.
Notes of French accordions
swirl in my ears’ soul.
And there is a lost expression
searching for the tears within
that say: “You never meant  a thing.”


Surging with unexpressed frustration
the Pain comes alive;
Reporting that all activity
points to a truth I’m terrified to see.
My mind drags itself around these walls;
only to return to the centre of it all.

Within four walls there is no escape.
I cannot allow myself release,
until I see the sunshine of my truth.
Every 12 months it comes to this:
Now I have no reason to feel or believe
this might ever be any other way.

The bed is too far for comfort;
The world unknown to me for refuge.
My company is sliced open
with dreams of you telling my heart
its better this way for now:
All this time the dead trees
flower with soft, cold snow.

The fall.
Tinges of orange sunset
hanging on branch ends-
Life smiled there,
in sunshine beams
through summer’s lovers eyes.
Shades fading.
The dark luminous
in icy, vacant skies
filled with souvenirs
life time’s gone,
slipping ******* between.

Days vanish.
Hours grow short.
Heart’s hopscotch through
tears long since dried.
Green turning gold
riches brimming with laughter.

We can never undo what we’ve done;
retrace the steps we took.
We can never unknot the choice
binding conscience and soul forever.
We can never rewind the moments
allowing us to betray our Hearts.

I cannot forget those seconds
before All became torn apart.


And though the pain begs in me
to find all the beauty of life;
live and dance for my present moments-
I cannot be rid of the emotion:

Haunting the corridors of my mind
in waking, breathing minutes of every passing day.


We cannot reclaim the loss
of a life we so easily denied.
We can never replace the heartbeat
of a person we will never know.
We can never begin to imagine
just how wonderful it could really have been:

Because we never embraced the opportunity
to allow Beauty to enfold us sweetly.


Though Rationality tries to calm me,
soothing the unforgiving feelings,
I never seem to escape the Hurt
lingering so deeply in my ribcage:

thoughts and aches recurring,
telling me this was my biggest Mistake.

It doesn’t matter if you cry
into the sea.
It almost makes sense:
War and love entangled here
in her lapping waves.

So beautiful and ugly
her alluring effect
reminds of the will to live,
coupled with the will to give up,
in silent calamity:
                                          to die.

Her coldest moment,
the calm sway of her shore
makes the tired body quench-
Desire for such nourishment,
is the ultimate.

There will be no little hand
Curled around my thumb,
No soft mouth suckling
In hungry thirst.
I will never kiss your cheek
Or miss you when you’re out to play.
There will not be a card coloured
Wishing Happy Mother’s Day.
There will be no soft little smell
Wrapped in my arms and soul,
No bright pure eyes gazing
At the world to meet.
No plasters for your falls
Or stories boundlessly shared.

There will be no mother in me for you,
But not because I never cared.

Shutter my eyes on the frozen deserts
opening to swallow
all the memories you left inside:
a heart stripped of dreams,
by the pain of quicksilver moments
slipped past us in Time's disguise.

Interminable thoughts play-rewind-play-rewind
Of feelings dragging like anxiety:
We could be whole
if the world put us together with
Time, Love and impassioned Tethers.

Instead I'm trailing along
Dragging my iced feathers,
leaving two sets of footprints
upon the oceans and deserts of ice and shards.
Incapable of defrosting
These beating, screaming hearts.

I wanted to see flowers open for me;
I wanted to see treasures within this sea;
I wanted to hope with my eyes closed;
I wanted all lies with new hand disposed.

Like a fool,
I believed in everything that already deceived;
And in my hope you retrieved
                                                 final breath of love seeded within me,
                                                 stealing life as though it were for the taking:
                                                 In this revelation I am lifeless and forsaken.

And no flowers in beauty will greet,
no treasures spill at my feet.
My eyes flutter in darkened skies,
while my heart cracks with decades of lies.

So undeserving in my lighted embrace,
So undeserving to behold this broken face,
So undeserving to steal my heart beats:
So undeserving am I, of these cruel defeats.

You are all the demons of my nightmares,
You are the epitome of one who cannot care.
You are the lost one, among stars who cries:
The one who burns love with stealthy, inhumane lies.

So far away now,
mountains and oceans apart.
but I can feel your heart:
its pounding in ecstasy,
its sleeping beats.
Every move you make
flutters here like a leaf-
enough to rustle my heat.
Smallest images betray
the places of your feet
as you journey further from me.
No distance has yet torn us
of the binding chords
of the invisible love and lust.
Despite the torment
of the hurtful beds
you now carry me into.
I twist myself around
hoping to escape this
and run out of sensations:
of your every touch, every pulse, every kiss
which you give another
some place I've never asked to be.
I wish you would really leave me.

You took my sails and filled them with the air of your words,
Guided them through my darkness with the light in your eyes,
And gave my journey momentum with the current of your voice.
The course traversing through entire ocean-filled universes.
Breathless.
Hopeful.
Silent.

Too soon did things blow away:
with the wind went the truth.
And certainty remained lost,
to the dark morning hours:
A place my heart bloomed for you
and later burned 'til black and blue.

Careful


Too easily did the river run dry
with endless weeks of searing tears,
ripping open the agonies of love
unrequited, weaved in shadows:
The torment of which all hopes are soiled.
Beaten by lies of secrets well toiled.

Realistic


Too fatefully did the soul shrivel
under the brutal lashings of Unwant:
carving hollows into the passions,
dredging the unworthy pangs deeper.
To the bottom of the world without light,
one may find a BROKEN HEART without fight.

**Human