You rebel
Unconventional to your own standards
Of what being means.
Because its the only freedom
You can believe
When you're binding yourself
By all the rules
And guilt
Given to you by society,
Religion, elders and facts.
Where's the questioning,
Where's the daring to be,
The test in your own limits
And the push against your own conformity that you refuse to see.
Where is the open mind
You claim you have?
Who are you without it all?
Who are you without you?
Can you push the boundaries
To greet yourself on the edge of reason,
To love yourself on the cusp of unconditional adorations.
Can you?

the way Your eyes stroke my heart
in the moments of our silence.
a gentle storm of unsaid hurts
pressing against our bodies:
all the while i forgive it all,
i love You more, more, so much  more


You walked away the next day
using my soft feet to take You
through the thorns and rocks,
through the shattered shards of hope:
a trail of unwanted love
stealing my tears one-by-one.


and maybe, maybe i'm just bad.
bad for tracing Your smile
with my lips; with my soul.
because i can't let You sail
while my skin feels You:
touching Me in ways words are never true.

tiny little Thing,
the size of a bean,
Your Life in my hand.
the power of Your presence,
forever my life lesson:
teaching me who i am.
despite the soul i returned,
from earth to heaven,
i feel part way forgiven.
Your spirit lives on,
in my humble pursuits
to dream, to smile, to be strong.
in this new life i was given:
some days I'm lost on the breeze,
others are breathless and reverent.
Always thankful,
always penitent
for the life I so foolishly took.
With love that is Yours
Always honoring this day,
when it was I who was born.


*In memory of 3 September 2009

every touch you gave
like icy water kissing my toes
aching in my legs into my heart.
every word strangling my throat
like a suicide rope.

your voice an earthquake in my veins.
an inability to comprehend
the truths you strung;
ripped through my calm composure
and i shattered the silence with my pain.

my desire to lash out and destroy you,
choked us like gas fumes.
you had chained my body
and watched as my heart died:
with each atomic lie.

i stared; i listened; i yelled:
my truths slapping your face,
like an angry mother's hand.
i snarled at your spilling tears,
fruitless in softening me.

Because, I stared into your eyes,
no shift driven towards your core
despite your cries and your betrayal;
treating me like i couldn't possibly,
ever in your eyes, be worth so much more.

The pain from the fickleness of your heart,
The hurt from your unwillingness
To be stronger, to try, to admit...
To walk beside my darkness...
Is greater than any knowledge
Of the comfort and laughter
You have in the scent and skin
Of someone else's voice, body, soul.*



The truth in your heart,
Is more valuable
Than the protection you think a lie gives
my heart.
I always feel the truth.
It vibrates, moving like kinetic energy,
Across the universe.
In my dreams
I see it as it is.
A lie is the greatest damage.
Every time.

You bring all of yourself
To the spaces between
Our light and dark.
But you never explore
All the hope I've saved
For you in my heart.
You don't know
What I need
What makes me bleed,
Makes me shiver,
Makes me dream.
You don't touch
The darkest parts of me.
The places were my light lies,
In greatest pleasure.
Your would-be-delights,
If only you'd see.

I'm standing on top  of the world,
staring down at the millions of lives,
Wondering....
Where do you play out your life?
Do you feel the universe move beneath you?
And if at night, do you reach out for me,
looking at the stars and dreaming
of the love and limitless possibilities
that could pass between us in this world.
Like breathing lungs.
Like beating hearts.
Like whispering lips,
sharing untold secrets.

There's a pounding in my head
breaking down my thoughts.
You carelessly step
in the silent space of mine.
Crushing through my images
A pathway to my soul.

In your attempt to withhold
you tore down my walls:
Nothing left to lean on
and no escape from the lies you told.
Deep inside my silent mind
there's a drumming of your fears.

And my diversions take me no where:
a river which flows too deep,
of emotion you wish to drink;
or a road so dark and lonely
only tears give me comfort.
Because you pushed me to my edge.

Upon the ledge of pain I see
a landscape covered in carnage:
deceit and betrayal burn the hope,
scorched and charred my view.
There can be no forgiveness
until millennia heal this stench.

As my eyes wonder to yours,
moist with guilt and hatred,
my sorrow turns to rage:
Because even then you fail to try.
Instead I find within
A silent whispering echo: "These too are lies."

My heart overruns the pounding head
with a racing heart on fire.
I'm burnt and broken inside these thoughts,
which wonder aimlessly.
Some days I look out to the world,
wondering when I'll be done with you.

There are days when the world,
Slips beneath your feet
Taking you down
Into the darkness:
An ocean of your tears.

A million spaces between us,
A million unknown voids
You won't talk about them.
But every move you make,
Vibrates back to my dreams.
And every lie you told,
I can see and feel across the seas.
I'm the only one who knows;
Left with these searing truths,
My mind wakes up screaming.

There are days the world
crashes around my silent agony.
Taking me down
To the depths of an ocean
Where all my heartache collects.

You walked away again,
Leaving me with ideas of you.
A feeling that your heart
never wanted me.
Despite all your tears,
And the words you swore were true,
The actions taken
Tell a thousand different stories of you.

Sleepless hours of destruction
in my shattering heart.
Tormented by visions of you
Holding someone else,
on the other side of this falling world:
A place I'll never be.
It's here you've left me.

The world as we know it
Has ended for us.
I've forgotten how it feels
To be chosen through love,
To be someone's only one.
Despite the fears.
Despite the unknown.
And it's tearing me apart.


Truth in actions is the only thing that saves us. So we fall apart, to the depths of our heartache, broken and destroyed, unwilling to breathe, but we stand up again and live out our truth: I deserve. That is the truth.

Like a fire crackling
despite the wash out,
despite the torrential storm
despite there being no flames...

Like a wave crashing
despite there being no rock,
despite no shoreline,
despite there being no ocean

No things that live
can move in your wake
can breathe in your space
can look upon your face.

There is no vision
for something unreal
for something a lie
for conscious-less souls.

Like a man in skin
despite the brazen force
despite the greed
despite that which deceives life.

I see you on the middle line
between the sun and moon.
You can't decide to cross into time
Or give yourself more room.
But the days are moving through us now,
And I feel a change coming soon:
The horizon between light and dark,
The stay-or-go wars within the heart.

I sailed you out.

In my rickety boat.

To the center of my lake:
the deepest, darkest waters.

And there,
I let you dive
into my silent depths.

Sinking into the unknowns,
while I awaited your return.

you won't seek
you won't try
you never wanted me
to happen in your life.


you won't come
you won't go
just to keep me
as someone you know.


you won't shout out
you won't reach out
to grab my slipping
presence you never wanted about.


you won't carefully hold
the massive heart so full
of the friendship and ease
that was forever our push and pull.


you won't open up to see
that standing here is only me
with no other quests
than hoping you're eternally free.


you won't choose this
you won't choose me
you may turn one day sadly
wondering why you miss,
why you wouldn't choose this.

I was waiting for a sign of the truth.
I was holding my breath,
Until I heard you whisper
A long stretch of undeserving silence.
Then I curled myself up again.
I decided to love just the rain.
The rain cannot dull my fire.
It is a love I can embrace
Without waiting for a whisper of the truth.
A silence I can understand without wondering...

I'm no good at this.
In your smile,
there's sunshine.
And I can't shake it.

I tried to hide.
And forget like you did.
But you don't live in my head:
Sunshine fills my dreams;
A smile in my silent nights.

Like snow flurries
Clinging to my warmth,
melting at my touch.
I can't reach you.

I can't shake it.
I can't break it.
Your ellipsis binds us.
Leaving me aching.

I tried to turn my back,
Like you did.
No distance, no time
silences these souls.
And I can't shake you,
Like you did me.

I touched the curving lines
of your smiling eyes;
traveling to the moments
where you have been.
In every brush of skin
and breath taken in,
I can feel your worlds
shift like seasons:
As you make your way
Towards me.

There's a whole ocean stretched out,
Blue and deep between our bodies.
But our hearts have always been,
Clasped by time in the same vault.

And I want you,
Like we've never been before.
We've never talked about it,
Our stolen time.

I'm stuck in this anticipation,
Thoughts of you wrapped around me.
The waiting is an unbearable pain,
Reminding me of life without you.

And I want you,
An aching I can't bear anymore.
I've never told you before,
Time stolen from us.

There's no escape from this place,
Clinging with anxious suspense;
That every piece of life will fall,
Blocking the only way to your presence.

And I wanted you,
In a way we'd never been before.
We don't talk
About this stolen time
And the reason for your changed mind.

I don't think I can keep carrying on
Holding these feelings inside.
If I don't talk about it
My life will be your stolen time.

I'm waiting in the open
with the wind
in the silence
of the roaring ocean,
and the light of the night.
My inner heart
burns with its truth;
in a fire too hot to touch
without engulfing every inch
of soul, mind, heart and skin.
My eyes reveal
I've stood here
a million years
waiting out the cold winters
bearing the summer heat,
with my roots sinking deep.
And I'll wait for you,
until the fires
in my soul consume me;
the ocean rises up
to release me
into the deepest love:
An unpredictable one.

Yes. No. Maybe. The height of a giraffe. The colour of sunsets. Thunder clouds in a clear sky. Gods in Beasts. Purple rain and Orange blueberries. Silhouetted trees. Murmmering leaves. Moon washed. Recycling unused wood. Unrequited. The illusion of what's not there. 15mm too small or too thick? The lash of a tongue. Screamed. Steam off of snow. Risen and succulent. Smooth. Bubbles in a Jacuzzi. A desert lagoon. The silence of a fire. Freefalling palpitations. Wreckless. Wide open. The youth in a wrinkle. Or a wrinkle in youth. The sound of a supernova. Dancing lights of the aurora. The space between. And the between spaces. Timeless. Wanton. Brazen. Broken. So empty its spilling over, and all consuming. Indistinguishable. Unseen depths. Fathomless. Shallow ripples. Waves upon waves. Status without face. Stolen. A mirror without reflection. Sunbeam skin kisses. Captured. Lingering breeze. Static glances. Sleep's rise and fall. Temporary Life. Lent not Given. You. Me. Them. Nothing. Breathless.

I thought I could
just this one time
in my very innocent life
be entirely fine
with giving what is mine
for a tiny moment.
But instead my heart questions
a million things in my mind
and it becomes hard to find
what I need inside
to be bitterly kind
in this confusing time
where no clear light will shine.
And to the eyes looking back
with the cheek against my thigh
in the aftershock I sigh
relieved of my trapped lie;
now free with the tears I cry
invisible to your eye.
I cannot question Why;
and What begins to deny
that which How already let die:
I’m my own mirror of solitude.
The emptiness I feel
is the space where you do not go.
And slowly, I begin to know
sooner or later this will show.

There is an aching in my being,
When I see the look in your eyes.
If you were conscious,
there could be
so much more joy here.

But we're not liberated
by youth and hope.
You're ******* on ideas,
and I'm tied to my heart.
You can't see past my eyes,
The chambers I keep hidden.

My heart drums to the rhythm
Of your lonely, hurting desires.
You're craving love.
My heart's only drug:
Falling always for the broken one.

But I can't fix you.
I am not your exception.
Though I feel everything all at once,
with emotions not at all small,
I cannot bring comfort to your inner war.

Sometimes, being with you is like
air below the water, suffocating my soul.
You shake my bones against my skin,
And you turn my silence into a scream.
Begging for my tender touch, to light
this darkness of your empty nights.

So much choice
So much time
So many miles apart
So much non-commitment.
Anxious and dysfunctional.
A side-ways game
Of friendship cover-ups.
Keeping your options open,
Playing your cards close.
Thinking I can't see your moves,
As you pull back and forth,
Hot and cold.
Then assuming what you will
About my words and indiscretions.
And all the insecurities
Triggering your actions
Are my fault.
I left you unable to judge
My heart and soul.
I left you unable to identify
My purity of intent.
I left you questioning
My cards.
And you failed to ask,
Because your ego chains you with fear.
So we’ll lose at this.
Two disappointed hearts.

I miss you
But I know
You feel little
About the years
We shared together.
Even my friendship
Seems incapable
Of moving you.

Maybe you're empty
A lonely soul,
Whose heart stills
For no person.
So there are
No vibrations either
That shake you
Into missing someone.

It hurts me
To misunderstand you
And your soul.
Did I fail
In all these years
To move you
To challenge you
To awaken love
As you did
Deep in my being.

It's like the cold
Creeping in
When you have no where to go for warmth.
So I comfort the ice, freezing my heart.
And I hope it'll stop the beating
That seems only to hurt me more
Now that you've left me:
With only this silence
And these breathless-missing-you-tears.

And in the deepest silence,
beneath the widest skies,
those who've passed come to sit beside us,
blanketing our hearts in the love they left inside us. ♥

The passion and desire from the days of absence
The fever of the return,
The desire only fed by her
Wept within his sleeping eyes.
He’d enter with softness
And there he would keep her,
Until it was time to leave her.

And days would go by,
He’d be filling her space secretly,
Willing himself to release her.
Then after hours and days
He’d tap lightly at her door,
Look deeply into her eyes
And stole the life from within her.

Finally he broke
And the truth he spoke.
When he left again, she lay there
Helpless and cold upon an empty room floor.

I can't feel
When you feel nothing.
And the cycle is vicious
Because we can't see past
All our demons,
All our fears,
All our past loves.

I got a little impatient
When you arrived silent
In the dead of the night
To tell me I've been
On your mind,
Dancing behind your eyes,
Present in your desires.

I know I'll be in trouble
When my heart opens,
Because you feel nothing,
And I'm a vessel
Carrying your smile,
Carrying my love,
Carrying all our lust.

I'll lose no tears
This time I bury
All the powers of heart
Beneath the ocean,
Beneath our laughs,
Keeping us souls apart.

You can't handle me.
And my heart's cracks
Must never be seen.
You'd pour into them
Your needs and wants,
Your love and torments.

There is a place where I grew
Into a girl with an unsteady heart.
It is green and small and unsafe.
There are trees and a wide blue ocean,
And the sky is expansive beyond comprehension.
Here I saw the night sky dancing,
From a rooftop height,
As though in the palm of my hand.
With fingers splayed like moon beams,
I reached up to pick my dreams.

And that girl grew into a woman
With a passion and fiery for the truth.
But sorrow and deceit ate my soul,
So I learnt to persist and nurture trust:
Intuition became the only companion in the darkness.

So the woman in me grew into a tree.
With roots in African soils
And boughs in expansive skies.
The leaves took flight and my heart followed
Around the world to find perspective,
To live difficult dreams
In an unsteady world,
Where home is a lonelier place sometimes.
But the sun shines and the tree is tall,
From the love given and received.

The tree is strong,
With roots that burrow deep,
A wizened old soul and
A drumming heart full and resilient,
Seeking a place to call its own.

I look at me staring back,
A reflection of emotions storming through my past.
There's an empty space deep inside,
Where even demons fear to hide.

I walk through corridors in my mind,
Darkened by the silence of my movie reel memories.
Dragging my hand along the walls
Unable to find an unlocked door.

The stuttering images in my dreams,
Vivid in nightmarish Technicolor
Flashing like disco-tech
Before my bleeding eyes.
Knowing I can never unsee
All the pain in my muted cries.

Sometimes we can stroke the scars
that are left across our hearts;
And we can smile
at the memory of something
that once broke us;
Because now we're standing tall.

There is a choice in our darkness,
to rip our hearts out
so we never have to face what we feel.
Or we can allow our misery
to swallow us with waves of emotion.
Either choice cripples us.

But there is a choice
to seek beauty
no matter how small;
And to celebrate it every day
with love, with passion, with hope.
The choice to be courageous,
In a fragile moment of our existence.
A decision to survive
what appears to be killing us.

I've seen the truth in the darkest places,
And I've learnt that anything could happen.
It's never what we think it is,
Even if we have all we need.
In the mornings' finest hour,
We were stripped of each other.
There I discovered it's gonna be okay,
As I watched you silently slip away.


And it's never what it seems,
Because anything can be.

I lie awake
Because now the world is still
And my heart can think.
My mind can breathe.
In this moment I am free.

As my dreaming eyes close,
I see visions of you.
I hear words and a voice.
My heart stretches,
And I can reach you.

I pull you into me,
Into my darkness here,
To whisper to you
About all my dreams,
And the places I want to be.

As I lie here quietly
I know, wherever I go,
It is in these dreaming hours
That I feel you.
And my heart holds you.
My heart holds you.
And you are with me.